I think I'm afraid of my own ambition

I've been thinking a lot about my future lately. You see... I only have two more semesters before I finish my bachelors degree. That is... assuming I can figure out some way to pay for the next two semesters. All of my scholarship money that I am currently recieving runs out this semester.
So, assuming all things financial pan out... the plan is to finish my bachelors in a year, and have a bona fide teaching license.
Yes ladies and gentleman, I will have a piece of paper that says I'm allowed to teach children in a school. And not only will this piece of paper say that I'm allowed to teach, but it will say that I am dang good at teaching, because apparently ''USU is the Harvard of Special Education programs.'' (According to my ABA Professor).

Weird right?

But the thing is, I don't really want to use the piece of paper. Nope. I want to put it someplace very safe, and then leave my family for a year and a half to go on a mission. This is once again assuming I find a way to pay for it (I will probably sell my car and that should cover a great deal of it.)

And then when I get back... am I going to teach? Nope. Because I'm nuts. I want to go to graduate school when I get home. Not to get a better teaching license... I want to go to school to be an Occupational Therapist, who works with children with special needs, and has an emphasis in the Assistive Technology aspect of it. Which means, when I get back from my mission I have to take a bunch of prerequisite courses, then apply to grad school, and then try to survive grad school. How will I pay for this insane ambition you ask?
No idea. I may have to teach to earn my way through graduate school. Yikes.

So that is what (hopefully) the next 5 years of my life will look like. And after I get all of these pretty pieces of paper and have a bunch of wonderful experiences, (I think it would also be insanely cool to stick a study abroad in there somewhere...) I want to get married, and be a stay at home Mom. I wouldn't mind working part time with my OT license, but I don't want to do anything big with it.

Knowing that I don't really want to have a career... do you realize how difficult it is becoming to muster the courage to face my ambitions? But down beneath all of my fears of failure and burnout and my insane desire to be done with school already... there is this quiet assurance that if I do in fact make it, I will be insanely proud of myself. I will be better prepared to face life, and if I need to work, I will be able to get a job that I could love, that would pay well. And at this point, that quiet resolve is the only thing motivating me to face my own ambitions.

Broken Trust

I think I trust people too much.

I trust them not to forget me.

I trust them not to let me down.

I trust them to care about me.

I trust them to use their brains to act sensibly.

I trust them to ask me for help when they need it.

I trust them to laugh with me, and be my friend.

Mostly I trust them to be completely honest with me, because I try to be that way with everyone else.

And some of them keep the trust admirably... but it seems that for everyone who keeps it, there is another who breaks it. It hurts when they do, and makes me not want to trust anyone again.

One year older and...

not really wiser. At least I don't feel any smarter.

But I do feel blessed. I am such a lucky girl! Friday I was just finishing up work when I started to walk back towards the school building. I saw two ladies coming out of the front doors, and when they saw me they started waving like crazy at me. I was really confused, wondering who those silly ladies were, until I got closer and realized that my Mom and Bee (my Grandma) had come up to surprise me and take me to a birthday lunch. We ate at Cafe Rio, went shopping, and had a marvelous time!

Afterwards I got to hang out with some girls from my major, walk around campus with my darling friend Sharlee who came up from Snow to visit me... and then come back to my apartment. When I walked in the door, about 15 friends or so all shouted 'happy birthday,' and Matt started serenading me with "Happy Birthday" on the bagpipes outside my window. It was the best surprise party I've ever had, and so much fun! Then on saturday I got to go to lunch again! Play with Sharlee and Dora, and then go to an Aggie basketball game. The game was intense, and so much fun! It's pretty much been the best weekend ever, and I feel so lucky to have so many fantastic friends and family who decided to make a fuss over me this weekend.

Breaking Tradition

When my Great-Grandmother was my age she was married.

When my Grandmother was my age she was married.

When my mother was my age she was married.

I am 19 years old. I will only be 19 years old for another 4 days.

I am about to break a family tradition, and I feel quite good about the whole thing. It puts me in mind of the movie "Fiddler on the Roof," when he sings "TRADITION" in that loud booming voice, and proclaims the importance of keeping traditions to the world.

He'd probably be upset with me for being so happy about breaking mine. Haha