Why I am Scary

Ok. So there have been a number of people in my life, mainly gentlemen, who have told me that I am intimidating/scary. Only none of them ever tell me why, and I have not been able to understand it. Last night I was talking to my arch-nemesis, and he mentioned again that I was scary. He says this a lot, and I asked him why he thought that. He couldn't tell me... but he could tell that it bothered me that people have said that to me and no one can explain it.

Then last night before going to bed I checked my e-mail, and there was a letter in my inbox from him. The subject line stated: "Why you are scary."

With my curiousity aroused and a feeling of nervousness in my middle I opened the e-mail, and this is what I read:

I figured it out. I was trying to sleep and my brain was doing that funny "process everything that happened today" thing and *bing* I figured out why you are scary. Its the same reason my trainer was freaking annoying sometimes.

Its motives, and yours never seem transparent.

Like sometimes I can figure out what the crap people want out of me. But with you its like I never really know. I have no idea. You feel like you are always pushing for something (and maybe you are and maybe you aren't) but you refuse to let on to what the crap it is. It almost feels like you don't think you have control unless the other person doesn't have any clue what you are doing. That is why you are scary. Its because its hard to tell what you really want.

That is how I feel, but that is just me.

Umm, you are still a really nice person. I know this. I don't doubt your motives are good most the time. Just because I said what I saw doesn't mean I saw correctly, just that that's the way you feel to me.

Have a nice day.


And when I finished reading it, I sat there in a mild state of surprise and shock, because he just taught me something about myself. Something that I'm not sure I like.

He hit the nail on the head when he said "It almost feels like you don't think you have control unless the other person doesn't have any clue what you are doing." Because I usually don't like it when other people 'figure me out.' I don't like it when someone else knows exactly what I want. Mostly because I have such a hard time making up my mind. And when I do make it up, usually I wish that I could control what I want and change it. I want to want what I think I should want, instead of just wanting what I want. (Hopefully that makes some semblance of sense.)
Also -- I HATE feeling like other people feel pity for me.
For instance: If I admit something means a lot to me, and then I don't get it, then people pity me... and I don't want them to do that. I'd rather pretend that I'm always ok and just be silently disappointed. Or try to convince myself that I never really wanted it anyways. Cause disappointment is easier to deal with that way. It's so much easier to just convince myself that I'm going to be ok than it is to convince everyone else too.
Also: if I figure out what I want, then I feel an obligation to fight for it. If I admit to myself something means a lot to me, then I will fight for it. Therefore: I am super careful about what I work for, because I don't have the energy to fight for everything.

So I think the reason Mr. Arch-Nemesis told me that I'm scary because my motives are blurry is because sometimes when I am interacting with someone I find myself acting as if I want one thing; but I don't want to want that... so I change my word choice, or actions, or thoughts mid-sentence or mid-conversation so that they line up with what I wish I wanted. Or what I think I want. Or what I want but just temporarily forgot I want... and then this probably is confusing to whomever I'm talking to. 'Cause I do it lots in some conversations.

Ok now I'm just rambling. Because this is profound, and I'm discovering this part of myself that I've never thought about before... but I haven't completely figured it out yet.

And now dear people who are sweet enough to bother to read this silly little blog of mine: What do you think about all this? Am I scary? Why or why not?

Rebellious Streak

Last week I did something that I've wanted to do since highschool....

I died a red streak in my hair. It's underneath, so you can't see it unless I move my hair around or pull it up... but it's definitely red, and it's definitely there. I absolutely love it.

Dora and I were joking around last night, and decided that I've finally hit the rebellious stage of my life. Kissing a stranger... dying my hair... yup. I'm a rebel. Ha.



Dora was my personal hair stylist :)


The dye looked eerily like blood....


And this is a terrible picture. The red doesn't show up very well on camera, and this was technically only stage one (we did a second round to make it lots darker) but isn't it sweet?!

*Groan*

Do you know what the biggest problem is with having your heart mutilated and torn to pieces?

It becomes very hard to find the motivation to date. At all.

Sharlee decided that she'd like to go to the IWA dance this weekend. So I told her that I would go with her, and we set about finding boys to ask (seeing as it's a girl's choice dance.)

I came up with a few options, but to be honest, none of them were super exciting to me. Sharlee accused me of being picky, but really... the only reason I'm going is for her. I probably wouldn't go if she didn't want me to.

Anyways. I finally picked a boy. And was happy with the prospect of spending the evening with him. And then I got to gain some sympathy for all the guys who ask girls on dates... it was hard to dial his number.

He answered, and being the rather blunt person that I am prone to be, I did not mince words one bit. I asked him if he'd be willing to go to the dance friday. He let out a huge groan, and apologized because he cannot go friday. He's busy. I told him not to worry about it, hung up the phone, and realized that I feel a lot worse for him than I do for me. Saying no to people is not fun. Not fun at all. And he did sound genuinely sorry. Plus, to be honest, I like my little life right now, and I'm just not that excited about dating.

I blame "HIM". The unmentionable him... the one Sharlee calls 'idiot' because she has to deal with the repercussions he helped cause. But mostly I blame my own stupid self. It was my own fault for letting him.

I know I SHOULD have the desire to date, but it just isn't there.

Somedays....

Do you ever just KNOW something is right... but even though you know it, you still doubt it?

Why is it that I can feel deep in my bones that something is right, and will happen one day, and yet I still doubt it until it actually happens? Why is my faith lacking?

If you are close to me you will have probably heard my 'someday' spiel. Bascially I believe that life is full of "somedays." These are the days that you dream about your whole entire life... but they aren't ever actually supposed to happen.

For instance: The day you get your drivers license. Your first date. Your first kiss. Graduating from high school. Graduating from college. Turning 21. The day you get engaged. Your wedding day. The day your first child is born.... and the list can go on and on.

These are days we all wonder about. We dream about them, plan them, wait for them, and wish that they would come...

And then they come, and we are in shock. We've dreamed about them for so long, that we have begun to disbelieve that they will actually happen. And then the day after, we stop and think 'Wow... did that really just happen? That's so weird!" Because those days are 'somedays'. They are nice to dream about: but you aren't ever actually supposed to get to them.

I think as we grow up we become a little less enthralled with 'somedays.' We experience a few of them, and we watch our friends go through them, and we realize that 'someday' is an actual day, and it will actually happen to us. And then we get a little bit antsy I think. And we wonder when. And then if you are me, and you think you know how you want a particular 'someday' to go, you become impatient.

And then impatience brings doubt. You know your day will come. But you don't believe it. Why is that? Why is that I can know it, and yet still secretly doubt?

I've come to realize lately that faith is very much a decision. A choice. It's not a feeling. It can be accompanied by a wonderful feeling... but feeling doesn't determine faith. When I choose to have faith that the Lord will give me my 'someday' in a better way than I can ever plan for then I am so much more at peace. But it's an uphill battle... let me tell you.