Goodbye's

I've always wondered why it hurts to leave the people you love... even when you know that it won't be for very long.

I decided a while ago that the reason is: when you love someone you give them a piece of your heart, and it stays with them when you leave. So while it hurts real bad to say goodbye, the beautiful thing is, that when you see them again you know it's going to be happy, because that part of you comes back.

I'm lucky to have so many people in my life that I can love; but it does make for some painful goodbyes.

It is finished...

THE SEMESTER IS OVER!

I took my last final this afternoon, and I think I did pretty well.

I currently have two final grades posted... they are both A's.

And I am very very happy about it all :D

I'm slipping.....

and not just on ice.

Which is plentiful up here... by the way.

So either it's gonna crunch soon... or....

*sigh*

You know you have just about lost it...

when you find yourself composing the following paragraph just because you and your study buddies think that it is completely hilarious:

"In the beginning, Dr. Higbee planned for generalization. And he organized data, and he saw that it was good. And he found classroom space, and said, let us plan our time to teach of Operant Conditioning. And students came to him to learn to do as he did. And he explained that behavior is a function of it's consequences, and he showed them how to take data and plan treatments. And he gave them orange flash cards, and they were grateful.
And Dr. Higbee positively reinforced the generalization of their graphing behavior contingent on their accurate respones. So they wrote a behavioral definition of hydration which stated, "the act of pouring liquid into the oral cavity, and then using the muscles in the esophagus to swallow the aforementioned liquid." And they calculated the time he talked and the number of drinks he took. And they collaborated with IOA, and they saw that they were accurate. And they graphed the respones, and they said, "Let us go down to the front of the room, for there is space there to present our data to him, and that will give Dr. Higbee an Establishing Operation for giving us A's." And so they presented their data to him, and he saw that it was good, and he was happy."

Sickening huh?

We're giving it to him tomorrow with our graphs... hehehe.

Take a Look-

Through my eyes. Or your own.

Ever look at yourself? You gaze inward at all the flaws, faults, and insecurities that are part of your being and wonder what anyone else could ever see in you. And then you start to wonder just what other people do think of you.

And you realize, that at least for the moment, their view is a lot more rosy than yours.

And you feel like a fake. A fraud. An actor, putting on a show so that people won't notice how flawed you really are. And it scares you, because you wonder if their view is a lie. And if it is a lie, that means that you are a liar. Not necessarily in word, but in deed, which is much worse than in word... because you have convinced the world that you are something better than you are.

And then you realize it's time for bed, and although there is a lot of truth to the fact that you are so far from perfect it hurts...

it doesn't matter, because luckily you can work at it. And hopefully after a good nights sleep- you'll realize maybe you aren't quite as wicked as you feel.

Like a child....

I was talking to a really dear friend tonight, and she was telling me something she's been thinking about.

A child is so simple. The world to them is very plain. There are straight answers. A square has four sides, when someone tells you something you can trust it, and everyone is important. Most of all: it's ok to not know all the answers to every question. They don't overanalyze things, and maybe that's because they don't know how... but I like to think it's because in their childlike wisdom- they know that analyzation won't help fix anything.

I think lots of people overreact to too many things. I do sometimes too... but I've noticed that I can sit and psychoanalyze a problem for hours- and just psychoanalyzing it... 99.9% of the time.... doesn't help.

Usually I decide to try to chill and go with the flow- but occasionally it gets hard when I find people trying to drag me into their desperate frenzy to understand everything... and I find it hard to stick with keeping things simple.

Why do we insist on making everything more complex than it needs to be?
I want to be better at viewing the world the way a child does. Simple. No need to freak out about things- because things have a way of figuring themselves out... and even if they don't-

God is over all. So it doesn't matter anyways, because he is the Master.

Lucky-

to be in college.

to have a family who loves me.

to have a job.

to have the coolest roommates ever.

to have time to play!

to have friends that care enough to call.

to have Thanksgiving so close!

to have hands that do whatever I tell them to.

to go to USU!

to have my last formal observation behind me :D

that it's friday!

Nuisance

Have you ever made a valiant effort to make someone else happy, because you knew that if you could make them happy it would make you feel so happy and good inside; and for some unkown reason, had your plan backfire?

You have this great plan. It's simple. You've tried it before and it's worked, and even though you have to sacrifice a few personal wants, you do it because you are sure it will make that person happy.

And then for all your efforts, instead of feeling like you've made that person's day, you just feel like you are in the way? A nuisance?

And you don't know what you did wrong. And you don't know how to fix it or make it better.

And the worst part is... you have a feeling, a gut instinct and almost sure knowledge that the next day, no matter what you do, what you say, or how you go about it, you are going to end up making them more annoyed and upset, and somehow you will unwittingly screw up the situation even more.

It's not a very happy situation.

Riley... 100% attendance.... here we come!

Remember a few weeks ago -- I made a bargain with the ward mission leader. He said he would become a 100% attendee of FHE if I found someone for the missionaries to teach.

Well last night I was on my way to ward volleyball when I met my non-member neighbor friend outside. I invited him to come with me to play, and he came along eagerly. On the way home I asked him if he'd like to come again next week, and he said he'd like to, and then asked if he would need to 'enroll' or 'sign-up.' I kind of chuckled at the perfect opportunity- and then explained how ward volleyball was set up. This led to a discussion about the church, which led to a discussion about what I believe, which led to a dicussion about he belives, which led to talking about the missionaries and church, which led to talking about the Bible and Book of Mormon, which led to giving him a Book of Mormon and bearing my testimony, which led to him expressing interest in learning more.

So either he really is interested... was just being super nice, or the third option is that perhaps he didn't quite understand everything I said: which is possible considering that he's from India. I'm hoping it's the first one.

Sharing the gosple with him made me so excited and so happy! I was on such a spiritual high last night. God really does help us acheive the rightous desires of our hearts! My testimony of this has been strengthened so much. He also gives us amazing opportunities to share the gosple when we pray for them, even when we weren't sure at all about how we were going to find someone to share the truth with.

So I am so stoked... and I will be so excited if we are able to get my friend an appointment to meet with the missionaries!

Especially since this will doom Riley to keeping his end of the deal for sure :D

Remember that friend you have...

the one that told you donating blood was "Fun." Yeah, that one.

Well they're full of crap.

Tonight I donated blood for the first time ever. I am very proud of myself, and glad that I did it... but it was most definitely not 'fun.'

My night went like this:

Dora and I drove to the church, and I went in and wrote my name on a paper, read their little packet and then went back so they could test my blood and make me answer a whole bunch of questions. My temperature, iron, and everything else was normal and fine. I kept half expecting them to tell me that I wasn't good enough to donate or something (and part of me secretly wanted them to... I was more nervous than I care to admit), but before I knew it I was laying back on the funny blue chair and John was telling me that I have "a monster of a vein." I replied with a thank-you, and then he told me he was glad I could take it as a compliment since most girls don't react that way when he tells them that.

I DID NOT look when he stuck it in my arm- it pinched yes, but I was fine, and I even managed to examine it with some interest after they stuck it in me. I squeezed the ball a few times, and it seemed like only a moment had gone by before they were telling me my bag was already 1/2 way full.

At this point I was feeling very proud of myself. I wasn't dizzy... I was over half way done, I had done it all by myself without anyone holding my hand. Yes! And then I started to feel the side effects of losing so much blood so quickly. My stomach got queasy, and I got a little bit lightheaded- but honestly it wasn't too bad. I sat there and thought to myself: "well, this isn't fun... but I could definitely feel a lot worse. I'll be fine. It's only a little bit of dizzyness and once I sit up my stomach will be just fine." At this point someone came over, asked if I was ok, and told me I wouldn't be so dizzy if I coughed. So I sat there coughing like an idiot (no one else was doing this or being told to do this by-the-way), but they were right, the coughing cleared up the dizzyness quite nicely.
Then my bag was full. They cleaned me up, and asked me if I wanted anything. Of course I didn't want something to eat (my stomach is still a little queasy) but I did ask for some water. I sat there on my back and sipped it (they told me to stay in the chair for as long as I needed), and then started to think... Dora was probably almost done. I couldn't see where she was, but I'd been sitting in the chair for a while and was now feeling good, but very cold. So I sat up- after all, I don't need to spend the entire night in their silly chair, and I wanted to put my sweatshirt back on because I was so cold. As soon as I sat up one of the workers kind of freaked out. She asked me if I was ok and told me that I'd better not get out of the chair. I felt like she was my mother telling me that I couldn't get up from the table until I'd finished my corn, I swear she used the same tone of voice. So I sat up and sipped my water, and felt a tiny bit dizzy, but after about thirty seconds I was perfectly fine. I still didn't know where Dora was, but I figured I could get up and go sit out on the couch and wait for her. So I slowly (I was trying to be careful and monitor myself) got out of the chair, and immediately the motherly lady asked me if I was ok, I nodded a yes, and then she asked me what my major was. I couldn't hear her very well because she was kind of across the room, so I walked over to her, and she told me my major sounded intersting, and at that moment I got a bit dizzy again. She was analyzing me sharply the whole time, and asked me again if I was ok, and when I confessed being dizzy she ordered me to sit back down. I went and sat down in a regular chair because I felt silly for sitting in the blue recliners for so long, and she came over and wanted to know if I 'didn't like their chairs' in the same tone she'd use to ask me if I had something against her personally.
After some urging from her, and a few other workers, I climbed back into the blue chair and just sat there. She told me that if I insisited on walking around that was fine, they'd just pick me up and plop me in the chair when I passed out. I nodded and chuckled, and once again told her that I wasn't as bad as I looked. She got me some bubble wrap to play with and an orange juice, and kept glancing at me. Everyone who walked by would ask if I felt ok, and/or start up a random conversation. I watched Dora come out from her questioning, sit in a chair, and start getting prepped. She looked up at me and then started a conversation that felt like another interrogation. It went like this:

"Are you ok?!?" -Dora
"Yes" -Krystal
"Are you sure?" -Dora
"Yes!" -Krystal
"Did you pass out?" -Dora
"No!" -Krystal
"So you just LOOK like crap?" -Dora
"Yes." -Krystal

At this point one of the workers laughed at loud at the two of us, and then Dora had to switch seats so her back was to me. She talked to one of the worker dudes for a few minutes, he looked at me once or twice during their exchange, and then she turned around and called, "I'm driving home!" to me. I replied with a, "Do I really look THAT bad?" and she said, "Well... you were green!!"

Finally Dora finished. I got up and walked over to her. (No more dizzyness, I'm perfectly peachy at this point.) And everyone asked once more if I was ok. The motherly lady told me to take as many treats as I wanted since we were the last ones, and said "you finally look better!" and then told us to have a good day. Dora really did insist on driving home, and now I'm at home sitting on my bed with a big red band on my arm and a green sticker on my sweatshirt.

To sum up: Yes I got dizzy, yes I didn't feel good- but I wasn't THAT bad. And I know how to monitor myself to keep myself from passing out. I've done it before.
Everyone asked me about 40 bazillion times if I was ok. The worker John made a point of coming to tell me that the first time is the worst, next time will be better. I sat in their chair 'recovering' for about a half hour. Every time I tried to stand or sit up someone would freak out at me- at least three workers tried to force me to tell them I wanted treats, and Dora told me I looked green twice.

My conclusion. Giving blood is most defnitely NOT fun. Interesting? Yes. Something you should do? Most definitely. Traumatic? Definitely not. Unpleasant? No, (the freaking out workers were more unpleasant than getting the blood out of me was.) Something I'll do again? Sure deal.

But FUN? I don't think so.

I have 5 straight hours of testing scheduled tomorrow...

and guess how much I studied today?

Probably a grand total of... umm... 30 minutes. This would be when my roommate sat down and quizzed me on my flashcards.

I am such a slacker.

Luckily!! I only have to take tests for three hours... then I get to give a beast of a test for two hours. Poor kid.

However- on the bright side: I got in a very good 45 minute workout, took a nap, went to FHE and didn't eat any junkfood today!

Isn't it funny...

that no matter how tired I am... I still never go to bed on time.

that even if I know I should be doing homework... if it's not due the next day I feel like it's ok to procrastinate it.

that even if I want to feel one way... I can still feel another way.

that a silly homemade pinata makes college kids grin and say "SWEET!"

that I move to Logan in order to endure freezing winters just at the time in my life when I decide I prefer warm weather?

how laughing can fix just about any grumpy mood I'm in.

that I have to worry about being 'too nice' to people I want to be friends with because they may wonder about my "ulterior motives."

how newspaper can be used in so many diverse ways? And how with a little creativity it can make so many memories?

that I am STILL eating our roommate 'mush' that we made last week.

that I'm completely broke... and having the time of my life.

that I can actuallyl get things done when I am so scatterbrained I'd lose my own head if it weren't screwed on?

I ate a hot dog tonight....

and actually enjoyed it.

Yes ladies and gentlmen... I enjoyed a hot dog.

This is kind of a huge deal for me, as anyone who has ever heard my discourse on the evil's of hotdogs can tell you. Basically I have always believed that eating a hot dog is about as close as you can get to eating warm rubber. Therefore I only eat them when no other options are available. And I NEVER eat them when they aren't roasted or grilled. Another must... a bun and condiments.

So I was kind of surprised when I took a bite tonight and liked it.

I must really be a starving college student...

Hills and Valleys

Last night life was good, I felt euphoric. I wrote in my journal about how grateful I was just to be alive and to have such a wonderful happy life. Tonight nothing much has changed. I mean nothing important has changed. Life is pretty much the same as it was last night... but I am so sad and confused. Completely opposite of how I felt last night.

Why is that?

I think it's because life really comes down to the bits and pieces. It's the moment to moment scenarios that can make or break how you feel about your day.

It's knowing you are loved and valued vs. feeling like you are just put up with. It's getting a smile from your friend, or not being able to see them. It's feeling like you look like a million bucks and having someone notice, it's laughing until your stomach hurts, or knowing that someone let you down. It's missplacing your car keys, or finding a ten in your coat from last winter. It's having a warm bubble bath, it's completing a hard task. It's forgetting your toothbrush, or getting pulled over by a cop.

These are all small things. Moments. Instances. And yet they impact how we feel so much. Life has so many hills and valleys to it. Emotionally especially. Sometimes I wish I could have it all figured out, but then I guess there wouldn't be much room to grow and learn and experience. And I guess if the little things weren't so obnoxious sometimes, then I guess the other little things wouldn't make us so happy.

I really shouldn't complain. I should just go to sleep, because everything looks brighter in the morning.

"Sorry Grandma!"

Riley Bradshaw completely made my night when he looked at me with a very guilty expression and uttered these two words. He neglected to attend family home evening... and was unforunate enough to run into me and the rest of the FHE group on his way home from campus tonight.

I will admit... I am having a lot of fun being the 'Grandma' of the ward. There is something mischeviously fun about being allowed to be obnoxiously encouraging about coming to family night. Tonight as I tried fulfill my calling and 'commit' Riley to come in the future, I found myself on the brunt end of him trying to fulfill his. Because he is the ward mission leader... I ended up striking a bargain with him. He becomes a 100% attender of FHE... and I find someone for the Elder's to teach.

I think we were both surprised at how readily I agreed to his proposed deal.

I have never approached a non-member friend about the gosple before. Mostly this is because all of my friends that I spend time with are members. The church is generally the network that I use to meet people, which makes finding investigators a bit more difficult. However I did make a committment to him, and I'm going to pray that the Lord will help me to fulfill it. I want to be a member missionary! The prospect is scary and exciting all at the same time.

So I am going to open my eyes and start looking in ernest. And as a result I get Riley to come to FHE every single monday night! Woot... I think I'm getting the better end of the deal here...

I wonder how many more crazy deals I'll have to strike to get people to come every week....

Send in the Clowns

I am absolutely, completely, and totally in love with this song.

Apparently it's from the musical 'A Little Night Music' -which I have never seen. But I would watch it: just for this song. It's so sad, and really kind of depressing, but it always gives me interesting things to think about. You should all listen to it. And if you don't know where to find it: come to me and I will listen to it with you!

Tonight while I was listening to it I started thinking about how life never turns out how we plan, and sometimes that makes us sad, or frustrated, or moody, or in some cases, even angry. And then I started thinking about a conversation I had with a friend earlier today. He was a bit worn down and frustrated with life, and I tried in vain to cheer him up: I told him that he should choose to be happy! But he was in one of those 'I want to be grumpy' moods. He started to complain about having so many different aspects of life to juggle, and wanted to know why we couldn't just put our emotional drama on hold for the semester and focus on our spiritual and intelletual sides, or something like that. Sometimes I think we all think that'd be nice... but if we could turn off juggling all the various aspects of life, I think 1) we'd get awfully bored, and 2) if that part of life turned sour for some reason, we wouldn't have the other parts to enjoy.

You are probably all thinking that I am stating the obvious... I think I do that a lot.

I think I'm finally starting to understand that saying, "If life were easy, it wouldn't be hard." One of those deceivingly simple, and yet completely complex statements. Depending on how you look at it :)

So send in the clowns! And I'll choose if I want to let them cheer me up, or if I want to remain forlorn. Life will have it's up's and downs, but to quote another one of my absolutest favorite songs: with a little "Positoovity," we'll all get through just fine.

Corkiness

A cork is an interesting thing - I was told to be like one earlier this week.

It was a really great analogy: No matter how much water is dumped on a cork, no matter how many times it is pushed down, submerged or dragged to the bottom of a pool of water- it always immediately bounces back up to the top.

Now we can all cheer on the cork and think about how amazing it is; we can marvel at how effortlessly it seems to float right back up to the top to keep happily bobbing away at the surface, but do we ever stop to think about how hard it must be for the cork to do that?

I think most of us know the feeling of having events around us continually trying to beat or drag us down to the bottom.

I'm trying to be ask cork-like as possible. I can picture myself trying to merrily bob back to the surface... but I tell you it's an uphill battle. It's hard to be a cork! You are all full of holes, and you have to fight to get to the top- and just when you think you have resurfaced- another bucket of water comes crashing down on you.

But I guess the nature of the cork is not to complain - it's to keep going up for that bit of fresh air. Because as hard as it is to be a cork - I think it'd be worse to be a pebble.

To be stuck at the bottom, lacking the hope of any air or sunshine - that'd be worse than the fight to get to the top.

Two in One

Yesterday I did two very big, very scary, and very needed things.

I changed my major.

And I ended a friendship.

Whew.... I feel like a different person almost. Changing my major was a lot more satisfying than I thought it would be. And when I ended a friendship with a person who has been hurting me more than I care to admit- it was so relieving.

Change is constant - but the funny thing is, it's usually for the better.

So now I am a Special Education major with an emphasis in Mild-Moderate disabilities; and I only have four semesters left before I get my teaching license. The fourth one will be student teaching!

School Starts Again...

So I moved back to Logan- and although I had a rough time leaving home, I am glad to be back. I didn't realize how many people I had up here to miss. I keep bumping into old friends and it's been fun to catch up with people.

I am happy to report that it was a lot easier for me to move up this year. I only had one breakdown... and that was about an hour and a half prior to driving off. I finished packing, and then wound up on my bed reading old journal entries from last year. I ended up sitting on my bed and just crying- I think because I quit moving and doing and starting thinking about who I am going to miss while I am at college. Combine that with the fact that I was starting to feel like nobody cared I was leaving-- (I had two of my good buddies blow off seeing me before I left, and narrowly missed not being able to say goodbye to another good friend) -- yeah, I had a meltdown. But now that I'm up here and staying busy I am doing great. Thankfully.

Our ward is different than last year. I'm no longer in the amazingly awesome 34th ward- instead they realigned stake boundaries and I am now in the 7th ward- which I'm hoping will be just as fun as my ward last year. I spent some time yesterday catching up with Cami Webb (I adore that girl) and spent some time today catching up with Hyrum - I'd forgotten how much fun I have when he's around.

My classes are going to be crazy busy I think- but I think I'll enjoy the content because they are all going to be very relevant to getting my teaching license. I am a bit nervous about school- especially since I think I'm revamping my plan so that I can go more towards the Occupational Therapy side of life. Ahh! I really hate the first day of school because they dump an entire semester/schoolyear/lifetime on you and it's kind of stressful to think about....

But anyways--

I feel like I am rambling about general news, which is ok- but probably not very interesting to read about.

Under Lock and Key

Do you ever lock your dreams away inside of you? You take a dream, not an ordinary dream, but a dream that is so special to you it's almost sacred, and you put it in a box, shut and lock the box, and then you tell yourself that you aren't wishing for it anymore-

-but you are sorta lying to yourself.

Because you are still wishing for it, but because the dream is so fragile, and you want it so deeply, you pack it away and convince yourself that if it never comes true it will be just fine. It won't hurt when it doesn't come true because it is packed away in a corner, and you'll leave it there to gather dust, like a trunk in a musty attic.

However, secretly you are wishing and planning and hoping- if by some miracle the dream starts to look like a possiblity, then you'll climb into the attic, find the box, bring it back out, dust it off, unlock it, pull out your dream, and set it free. And when it is free and can finally come true- that's the day you'll allow yourself to really believe in fairytales. That's the day when you'll realize that it's ok to have fantastic hopes, because that'll be the day you'll realize that sometimes wishes do come true- even when they look completely impossible for the time being. That's the day you'll understand that you should treasure hope...

So here's to hoping that I get to climb into my attic in the future, because for now, I'm putting a very special dream up there under lock and key.

Barriers

I am a builder- and my specialty is walls. In fact, I'm so good at building them, that at my best I can rival the great wall of China. Sadly enough, my work will never be made famous, because my walls are invisible.

Yes, I am very adept at building mental and emotional walls. So good in fact, that I don't even know that I'm building them- until one day I step back and realize that I've trapped myself - trapped myself beneath a bundle of fears and hopes --- this prison is concrete; I cannot break it down. I've been clawing at it for 3 months. Beating at it- sometimes wholeheartedly, sometimes only halfheartedly- but it's still there. Some days I find myself adding to it- and when I realize that I have moved yet another stone into place, I become angry with myself and try to undo my work; only I can't move the stones out of my wall by myself- and those who could help me to move them don't have any idea that I need help.

This wall I have built- it is a blessing and a curse. It keeps me safe from hurt, but it also keeps me hidden from love. I know that if I told the individual who is built into the foundation of my wall what I was building, he could shake and and send it crashing down around me. This would bring two possible outcomes - If I let that someone help me destroy the wall I would either: get crushed in the tumble, or learn what it feels like to be free.

I'm sure any who are reading this are probably thinking "That Krystal girl is completely insane! What the crap is she talking about?" Maybe a few of you know what I feel like- maybe you've got a wall or two of your own.

Maybe one day I'll get the courage to ask for help rocking the foundation of my wall; maybe one day I'll find a jackhammer and beat it down myself; maybe one day prince charming will unlock the secret door in the wall and rescue me from it.

Maybe one day I'll be free.

BEAR LAKE!!

Bear Lake is probably one of my favorite places in this world. I went up there with my family (to the sweet green beach house) and played around. It was competely wonderful!

This is my Grandpa Cook. He helped us build a fire to roast marshmallows, and only singed about a foot of grass in the process :)

This is when I caught Bennett and Christina (Yes: they came with me! it was sooo much fun having them along. Anyways....) holding hands. Not really, but the picture sure looks like it- tee hee. So I posted this one on facebook along with an interesting comment - hope they don't get in too much trouble!

This was a sweet banana ride. The Banana tube is probably one of my favorite things of all time. My Dad is on the front - trying to egg Uncle Dave off. He did a pretty good job because we got dumped off a lot.

This was the three of us going out on the wave runner. I got us out a little ways, and then slowed down so that Bennett could drive- I slowed down and turned too fast though, did a sweet 360, and flipped the wave runner. I have never done that before in my life- I was worried that I traumatized poor Christina. But she said she was fine :)

Besides wave-running, and tubing, I also managed to do a little bit of wake boarding. More than I've ever done before- even to the point of managing to get outside of the wake. I was very proud of myself. I got a great sunburn, spent some time with Jonathan before he goes on his mission, and also got to know Bennett and Christina better. My family all said that they loved both of them, and I was very glad for that. Bennett lived through the crazy comments that my family couldn't refrain from making about 'the boy' I brought.

It was a wonderful week!

Sleep

It's a beautiful thing - I wish I could say it's overrated and really mean it.

I average about three hours of sleep during each night of the week - it's a good night when I get four. The past two nights I've only gotten two hours each, and man alive, it's catching up with me. I miss the days when I got 8 hours every night and I actually understood what it felt like to not be tired. Yes ladies and gentlemen- that is possible when you get enough sleep every night (the not feeling tired.)

This 4am junk is killing me.....

However- in order to not be a complete complainer during this post I would like to point out two silver linings:
1. I am getting really good at naps- and falling asleep quickly (I can fall asleep in probably less than 2 minutes; which I have never been able to do before)- and I have had some crazy interesting dreams during my sporadic nap taking.
2. I am sure I am more amusing to be around since my brain is only partly functioning :D

It kind of scares me...

...when Heavenly Father lets me have what I want.

Purple is as Purple does

I made a really really cool tie-dye t-shirt at the family reuinion this past weekend, and in the process turned my hands completely purple. It was kinda cool... but it took about two days for my hands to return to normal.

Because I am a rather scatterbrained individual, I wore the shirt to FHE tonight - we were playing water kickball. I didn't do too shabby.... I even made it all the way around the bases, slid into home, and then turned completely purple. Yes- I neglected to wash and dry the t-shirt after making it.

I got home and the first thing my Mom said was "Well, at least we know with you around we'll never get bored...."

It's probably the most blond moment I've had in years. I pulled off my shirt when I got home and I looked like I had fallen down the stairs and then been beaten. Almost my entire body was purple - my left thigh, stomach, back, chest, arms, hands, and neck - I did a good job of it.

So I was trying to make the most of my situation by coming up with a good story to tell everyone at work tomorrow (as to why I was purple)- while I climbed in the shower. I figured it definitely couldn't hurt to try and get it off... so I grabbed a bottle of rubbing alcohol and wash cloth and hopped in. The rubbing alcohol has blessed my life- it got all the purple off! (Well almost, part of my arm still looks slightly discolored.) Granted, I probably smell like I'm drunk- but at least I'm purple free :)

So I have a new testimony of rubbing alcohol. And my own idiocy. I could try to blame it on my lack of sleep or something, but I don't think that quite cuts it. Bascially my Mom was right - she'll never have to worry about being bored while I am around.

Acid Free Paper!

So I went to family reunion today... and was pretty much blown out of my mind.

First off... I had like, 6th cousins there. Weird. And apparently the Livingston family is run like a business. Actually, it is pretty much a business. There are 9 board members, (we voted in three today,) and they organize family reunions, family history and geneology, have quarterly meetings, count minutes, take donations... basically they go the whole nine yards. After a family meeting where we toured the family website, we had two guest speakers, (if I'd known what I was getting into I wouldn't have shown up till the very end) - the first speaker, (I didn't listen to the second one) talked about family records, writing histories, and preserving photos. He got very excited about how important acid free paper is. Apparently everything is bad for photos except acid free paper. You shouldn't display them, write on them, cut them, touch them, have them in color, or look at them. You should print them in black on white on acid free paper, and store them. Or you can back them up on lots of CD's and copy them onto multiple computers. Go figure.

Needless to say, I slept through most of the 'meeting.'

My cousins finally showed though and we had a blast. We jumped outside on the blow up slide and jump house, learned how to do some scottish dancing, and ate ice-cream. Basically Stephanie and I are the best scottish dancers ever! I wish everyone could have seen our mad sliding skills.

So I guess the speech about acid free paper was worth the last half of the reunion.... right? :) I love my cousins. They are so much fun to be around!

Weight of Dreams

This song pretty much describes how I'm feeling right now, so instead of trying to explain I'm just going to post the lyrics:

"When the weight of all my dreams, is resting heavy on my head, and the thoughtful words of help and hope have all been nicely said... but I'm still hurtin', wonderin' if I ll ever be the one I think I am.

I think I am.

Then you gently re-remind me that you've made me from the first, and the more I try to be the best, the more I get the worst; and I realize the good in me is only there because of who you are.

Who you are...

and all I ever have to be is what you've made me. Any more or less would be a step out of your plan. As you daily recreate me, help me always keep in mind, that I only have to do what I can find. And all I ever have to be.... all I have to be.... all I ever have to be.... is what you've made of me. "

I GOT A JOB!!

Ok.... it's official. God knows what's better for us than we do. I've had a devil of a time finding job, and I had to look for over a month, but I finally got one and it's better than I could have ever dreamed. I'm working on the cleaning crew at the Fieldhouse at BYU, which in and of itself is not that exciting... especially since I may kill myself trying to make it on time to work every morning at 4 AFRICAN AM!! But: I'm getting more hours than I probably would have anywhere else, it's flexible, and I'm getting a STATS course out of the way which will keep me on track for graduation.

If I had gotten my way I would have found a job a month ago, and been working some 30 hour a week, lower paying job and not taking this class.... but thankfully God has a way of saving me from myself. The only way I could get the job was to take a class, and luckily I had one that I was supposed to take but didn't because it was too expensive online: coincidence? I think not!

I am grateful that sometimes Heavenly Father doesn't give me what I think I want or need. He gives me something better. Isn't he great?

Rock Climbing

So last saturday I went rock climbing for the first time ever. It was so much fun :D. And we didn't go to a quarry, we went outside, which made it all the better.

This is my point of view looking up towards all the people who decided to go on a mini hike.... It was a pretty sweet view.

This is Bennett.... he was trusting enough to let me hold his life in my hands while he was the lead climber, and then he saved me from killing myself while I tried to climb up the rock. Thanks :) This is him probably laughing at my attempts to get myself over the 'hard spot.' It probably wouldn't have been that bad if I were more adept at climbing... but I wasn't quite tall enough.... drat mother nature.

This is me.... at approximately the place where I got stuck. I didn't do too badly for a first timer though I don't think.... and I had a ton of fun.

Desire

I have a rhetorical question for the world:

Why is it that it is possible to want two opposite things at the same time?

Big Deal

I was thinking tonight about some things that are a 'big deal' in my life. And I was thinking about how each person is blessed with different weaknesses and challenges. I think that sometimes when one person struggles with something that is another person's strength, the person with the strength has a tendency to brush off their friends weakness as 'no big deal.' Phrases such as "Toughen up," "Grow up," "Get over it," and of course, "It's not that big of a deal," are then used as "advice" for the person with the weakness.

Isn't it interesting that God never does that? When we kneel before him and say, 'Heavenly Father, this really matters to me. I am struggling.' He doesn't say "Well kiddo, this trial is good for you, toughen up." Instead he says, "My child, I love you and will help you. You won't be alone." He doesn't make light of anything that we feel is a big deal, because what matters to us matters to him.

This principle doesn't just apply to areas of weakness or struggle, it also applies to the things we are happy or excited about. When we go to Heavenly Father and tell him all about the small joys we find in life he doesn't laugh at us and say "That's a silly thing to be excited about." He rejoices with us! Because his goal is to help us be happy.

I am grateful to know that Heavenly Father cares about me, and he cares about all my private joys, sorrows, struggles and triumphs. I am grateful to know that he is willing to help me, even if my problems are "small." I am glad that he listens and reassures me of his love and support when I am struggling. I hope that I can be more like him and never make light of something that someone else is struggling with, even if it doesn't seem like a 'big deal' to me.

I love life! Life loves me! Everything in the world makes me happy!

I just want everyone to know that life is wonderful.

And I love summertime :)

I have a dense head

Remember that show from a very long time ago... there was a catchy and slightly obnoxious song that they would sing whenever that show started... "Where in the world, is Carmen San Diego?"
Well... right now I'm feeling like singing "Where in the world, should Krystal really be?" I never knew where Carmen San Diego was because I didn't watch the show... in fact the only thing I really remember is the song, and maybe pictures on postage stamps??? But anyways... I never knew where she was, and I'm wondering how I'm going to figure out if I'm where I am supposed to be.

I guess I'm clueless all around.

I'm a spoiled little girl. I'll freely admit it. And I still want a lot of things. I was super nervous about coming home for the summer, but a few things have started to click and I'm feeling like I am where I should be. The problem is... am I where I should be? Or am I not listening anymore because I've decided that this is where I want most to be?

The way I see it... God gives us feelings to help us when our logic runs out. They are pretty good indicators most of the time... feelings of comfort, peace, serenity... they help us know where to go right? Well... is it possible to feel right about two conflicting possibilities? Is it ok to want two things, even when you are almost positive that you can only have one... is it ok to hope for both?

In first Nephi ch. 6, Nephi states that the fullness of his intent is to help people come unto Christ.... I've been thinking a lot lately about what my intent is, and what it is that God want's me to be doing with my life. I'm ready to turn it over to him, I want him to show me where to go becuase I know that giving him the steering wheel in my life will make me the most happy... the problem is that I'm not very good at listening yet. I feel good about being in Mapleton for the summer, the thought of picking up and going off somewhere else to find a job feels uneasy. But am I just scared to listen? I know the Lord will take care of me if I follow him, but I'm having a devil of a time finding a job here. I know I need to just be patient, he's teaching me that things don't always happen on my timetable, but it makes me worry that I'm messing up.

Perfect Fit

I moved home to Mapleton today, and while I am thrilled to be home.... in a way I'm not.

I don't want to say I've outgrown home, because I haven't.... it's just that 'my spot' isn't entirely here anymore. I miss Logan already. I guess it's ironic really, as soon as I start to think of Logan as 'home' I move back to my other home.

Tonight I was feeling kind of lost and overwhelmed. I have so much to do: unpack, organize my things, figure out which things go in storage and what I have to make room for in my closet, find a job, start working a job, figure out when/if/how I am going to visit my Dad and other family this summer, figure out where I'm going to church on sunday, figure out what my parents are going to want me to do this summer... and the list goes on. I was getting out of my car tonight after picking up my sister, and I looked up at the stars and told Heavenly Father that I didn't fit. In that moment he gave me a very tender mercy. He told me that he created those stars for me, he loves me, and that I fit in his love, so it doesn't matter where I go or who I am with. If ever I need to feel Father's love I like to look at the stars, I don't think it's possible to look at them and not feel part of his love for me. I fit perfectly in my Heavenly Father's love, and that is more important than feeling like I'm in the 'right' physical location.

Now I don't want to make it sound like I'm not excited to be home, I really am. I love my family and I'm so excited to spend time with my Mom this summer that I can hardly stand it. I have lots of plans for myself: I want to get invovled with family history, go hiking, swimming, biking, and play some other sports. I want to climb trees and rocks and jump on the trampoline. I want to find a few good jobs and try to make some money so that I afford my own rent next year. I want to play with some friends from BYU and visit dear friends who are still in Mapleton. Maybe if I get really lucky I'll get to go on at least one date.... tee hee.

Done!!

As of this afternoon I am done with finals!!!!!

I feel so great right now :) Although I do sympathize with all those who are still plugging away at it.

Just thought ya'll would like to know =D

Assistive Technology

I've been working on this project for my AT class... and have been having WAY too much fun:

This is me while I completely covered myself with wood shavings... you couldn't even see my skin! But I had fun using the power tools..... he he he.

It fell apart.... and took us a good 15 minutes... if not longer... to put back together. If you are ever modifying a calk gun DO NOT let the springs fall out. If at all possible don't let the rod come out either.... or else you WILL regret it. I will say we finally did get it back together and we were all so happy we jumped up and gave a cheer. This is Stan helping me try to get it back together...

He gave up and left the three of us to fend for ourselves. I'm the one on the left, Lyndsay is in the middle and Raelyn is on the right. We got it all by ourselves....eventually :)

After we got our first prototype put together we went trekking across campus to the institute building to test our device. Lyndsay insisted I push her in a wheelchair and then proceeded to be difficult... the pill :)

Later when we went back to test it again we took motorized scooters :). Lyndsay and I shared... and she tried to kill me once by running into a door, and then later when that didn't succeed she tried to cut my hip and thigh off by ramming them into an elevator.... I'm warning anyone who ever drives with her.... be careful!

So these probably won't make much sense if you don't know what my project was. The brief explanation is: we built a coin machine gun for a guy in a wheelchair. If you want to know more about it.... just ask :) I'll talk your ear off.

And who ever said school is boring? Tee hee, they were wrong! I love it!

Unsettled

Does the Lord keep us unsettled on purpose?

Someone told me once that nothing is as constant as change, and I thought I understood... but I'm beginning to see that just as I think I've got things where I want them, just when I'm headed in a direction that I'm excited about, just when I think I finally get it, things change.

The school year is about to end, and I'm enjoying myself more now than I think I have all year. I've found some wonderful friends, I've become a bit more outgoing, I love being independent and making choices for myself, I've gotten the hang of cooking for one... I finally figured out how to carve my own niche and now everything is going to be flipped upside down when I move home. I'm not ready for it.

Would you like to know what else I'm not ready for? I'm not ready to decide what the heck I want to do with the rest of my life. For some reason I've developed this sudden interest in Occupational Therapy... and I'm not sure if I want to switch major's becuase I don't like my major, or if it's because I'm just sick of this semester and one class in particular, or if it's because Heavenly Father is trying to tell me to switch my course.... gish. I wish I were a better listener and understander. I don't know if I should be going and talking to a counselor, or if I should try to job shadow this summer, or if I should stick with my current major for one more semester...
Life is awfully confusing.

Update

I am happy. And life is pretty good at the moment. Which is really starting to scare me.

Yes! Believe it or not... Logan does have a Zoo

Taylor and I took a lovely trip to the zoo. It was quite a lot of fun, and upon entering we had to count our ears... we determined that we only have two each... we didn't quite make it up to 12. ;)
I think that by far our favorite exhibit was the exciting species of dolorus miserabolus. More commonly known as pet rocks...

The dear little family... look how adorable they are!

I decided to go strutting with some bird that looked a lot like a parrot... minus the green. I highly recommend the activity to anyone who wants to give it a try.

The peacock was feeling very 'show-off-ish' as he sat on the fence and posed for pictures.

Basically it was a lot of fun. Taylor didn't really believe that the Zoo existed. When we pulled up she said "Wow! There really is a zoo... I didn't belive you."

And now this leaves me to pose the question... what in heavens name would possibly motivate me to lie about there being a zoo in Logan? I still haven't figured it out. Tay will have to let me know sometime. We had lots of fun, especially trying to find it. You see: I couldn't remember where it was, just that it was on the south west side of mainstreet... but I did remember that the road curved right before... so we drove around looking for a semi-familiar curvy road, and viola! It worked! We were quite proud of ourselves.

Books, Not Diamonds, are a Girls Best Friend

I spent my entire night reading. Yup that's right, and it was a book I've read before too.

I love to read. It's the characters that draw me in. I mean the plots and the intrigues, the settings, and the dramatic endings are all very good and well, but it's the characters I fall in love with. I get lost in a world different than my own, one where the ending always comes out happy in the end, and even when it doesn't there is a certain poetic justice to how it all turns out. The characters struggle and grow, they experience real emotions, and as I read I am right there with them, inside their skin and their brain, learning and experiencing with them.

Man... this is such a nerdy thing to blog about, but I really don't care. People find all sorts of ways to escape from reality, I just happened to choose books.

So for everyone out there who hates reading, find a simple book with a good plot and loveable characters and give it a whirl... for those of you who know exactly what I mean... slip into a story and take a short break from the stress of life. Revisit an old friend, or go make a new one.

Feelings are Fickle things

Not fickle as in they change a lot, but in that they don't make any sense at all.

Something can make perfect, absolutely wonderful sense in my mind, and my feelings will disagree with whatever I've thought out.

I'm sick of it.

Do you know what else I am sick of? Overanalyzation. (I'm pretty sure that's not a real word, but I don't even care. You know what I mean.) I long for the carefree days when everything made sense. The biggest mystery in life was why playtime was always so much shorter than work time.... actually I guess that's still a mystery. Go figure. But now I have the ability to psychoanalyze *it, and it's just crap.

*Not that I want to psychoanalyze play and work time, but all the other mysteries of life...especially people. Those are the ones that drive me crazy.

Rigoletto

What is true beauty?

It's does not lie in our face, our clothes, or even our words. True beauty is shown through what we give of our spirit, the kind things that we do for those around us. I believe each person has a beautiful spirit, and they become a beautiful person when they show it through service towards their fellow man.

So it's interesting that everyone get's caught up in looking beautiful, when the only way to be truly beautiful is to forget to spend that extra hour in front of the mirror and choose instead to spend it helping someone else.

"Love is only something we read about in books my dear" -Mrs. Fieldmouse

In the movie 'Kate and Leopold," Kate tells Leopold that she sometimes wonders if Love is like the grownup version of Santa Claus. A fairtytale for adults that keeps us endlessesly searching, but that we never really find. Of course in the end she is proven wrong when she realizes she has found her 'one true love' --but that question hit a chord with me when I heard it.

I was reading a short fantasy book tonight just for fun. A retelling of cinderella as it were. The author approached it in a way different than most, and when I finished it Kate's musings came to my mind. And I started to wonder if the 'true love' junk we hear about all the time is all it's really cracked up to be. Probably not right?

Well, I had just about decided that the love we read about in cinderella is completely false, and feeling a bit sad that fantasies don't come true, when I looked up at a picture of the Salt Lake Temple that my Mom has hanging on the wall. And I realized that I was looking at love. Heavenly Father made us, and he knows what makes us most happy. His love is the perfect kind. Family, friendly, generally, and of course, romantically.

So I guess Kate was wrong. Love isn't the grown up version of Santa Claus. It's more real than the nose on my face. Thank heavens. Isn't this world a lovely place?

Sunday is my favorite day of the week

Heavenly Father loves me. And he helps me fix problems that I didn't even know how to define, much less solve. I'm glad that he is watching over me. I'm glad that he hears and answers my prayers even if it's not always how I think I'd like them to be answered. I have been truly blessed this week by him, and gratitude prompted me to get up and bear my testimony in sacrament meeting today, which is always a completely nerve wracking experience for me. I shake and my heart pounds and half the time I don't even know if the words coming out of my mouth make any sense at all...

Anyways.

I stayed up late last night and slept in this morning... thus when my phone rang and woke me up I answered it and prayed that I wouldn't sound like a frog. The bishop asked if I would be able to come see him, and I wholeheartedly agreed to come meet with him two hours later. I then hung up the phone and fell right back asleep.

My meeting with him went well, and church was great. I was sustained today as a member of the compassionate service committe. Basically I get to watch out for the other sisters in the ward and try to help those who may be having a rough time. I am super excited, and nervous at the same time. I am grateful for the opportunity to serve though.

Tonight was busy: a fireside, getting set apart, practicing a musical number, ward chior, ward prayer, and talking to Gentry about compassionate service, then my home teacher's came over and I got in a few game of mancala in with Jay after that.... whew. But I like staying busy, it's so much better than being bored :)

"Does this make any sense?" "Not really, but that's common after a head injury"

I read a quote tonight, it said "Better to be hated for what you are, than loved for what you aren't." Which I guess is a fancy way of saying that you should be yourself no matter what the consequenes are.

I had a very much needed discussion with my roommate and dear friend tonight. I guess I come across as mothering, although I don't do it on purpose, and it's something that's been wearing on her for a long time. So I guess I need to quit asking her questions, start telling her more stuff about me, let her start to see more of my faults, and I'm not sure what else to help her feel like I'm not judging her. It's started me thinking about how I come across to other people....

I think I sometimes come across as 'more holier than you.' Which may derive from the fact that I am kind of a goody-two-shoes, not on purpose, but a lot of those outside mannerisms are just who I am. I actually really enjoy ward activities, I love to give serivce, and I'm just a freakish nerd about that kind of stuff. I didn't sluff class in high school, not because it wouldn't have occasionally been fun, but becuse I enjoy doing things thoroughly, and it's taken me a while to relax my perfectionist tendencies. Other people probably look at this and think... 'Jeez, she's a prude,' but it's not that I'm trying to be more perfect than anyone else, I'm just OCD, naturally obedient (if you don't believe this ask Sis. McSweeny) and weird. Also, often times I don't know what to say to people, so I won't say anything. Combine this with the fact that I don't very often describe my numerous shortcomings to other people, and I may be crazy, but I think I have a bit of a problem with the way I come across.

I honestly don't think I'm better than anyone else. I am a firm believer that there are two sides to every story, and no one should be judged by anyone else because no one can ever completely understand why someone else does what they do. I can't think of a single person that I genuinely hate. Sure there are a few who drive me a bit nuts, and the occasional few that I'd just rather not talk to sometimes, but that's life. At least, I think it is....

I guess if everyone knew just how flawed I really am, then maybe I wouldn't find this a problem, but the thing is I'm not really ready to start bragging about my faults... maybe that's not a good thing, but I don't really want the whole world to know some of the things I struggle with, probably because I'm a bit of a perfectionist. I don't mind if people see some of them, but I think I'm too insecure to just start throwing them all out for the world to know about.

So as you are reading this you are wondering, where the crap is she going with this? The answer to your question is... I don't know. I asked my roommate tonight if I come across as a snob, she told me that snob isn't the right word, but she did confess that I may sometimes come across as a tad 'better than youish.' She did say that once you get to know me that goes away, which is a relief.

So do I keep just acting the way I always have, or is there something I should change so that people won't feel like I'm looking down on them? I don't know. It's a difficult dilemma for me, especially since I admire so many people for what they are, and I don't want any of them to feel like that isn't the case.

So back to the quote I read tonight... am I being myself? Or is there a way I can be more myself? Should I not worry about it, and just say that the people who think I'm a prig can go sit on themselves? Maybe I should just screw up in public more :) I don't know. And I'm sorry for anyone who read this. It's probably mighty confusing, but I had to get it out.

Pathetic, Pathetic, Pathetic.

Yeah. I'm talking about myself. Tonight I got asked to put together a musical number for church in a few weeks, and I'm not so excited about actually performing in sacrament meeting, but I am happy to do it because it's a way to feel involved, which I miss. A lot.

I used to be involved in just about everything when it came to my ward. My family has always been the 'go early to set up, and stay late to clean up' type of people. I loved the friendships I formed and the way I felt when I was able to help so much. I don't even have a calling up here, and to be honest I feel very disconnected, which is kind of bothering me.

So basically I'm so starved for involvement that I'm excited about organizing a musical number.

Pathetic.

Glories of Winter

So I am extremely proud of myself. I finished all my homework that is due monday... all I have left is to study like crazy for a midterm exam, and then pray I get assigned one of the easier essay questions. This was inspite of the fact that I took off for the weekend.

Yesterday around 11ish Abbie texted me and asked if I'd like to go with her to her families cabin... I knew I had a ton of homework, but despite this I told her I'd love to go. I did get in an hour and a half of research after work, thank goodness... but then at three thirty she picked me up and I was off again! Last night I played probably six rounds of dominos and completely creamed everyone else sitting at the table with me, Abbie was not happy with me. This morning I got up, and managed to get a ton of homework done (which is the main reason I am so proud of myself... do you even know how hard it is to do homework when there is snow and wind and the outdoors calling to you? but anyways...) and then she and I went on an amazing snowmobile ride. It was only my second time ever on a snowmobile, and I just as I finally got comfortable with the knack of turning and whatnot we got finished, but that's ok. I enjoyed the serenity of the mountains, the snow sparkled in the heat of the sun as we raced along, the drifts were almost deep enough to completely cover the one street sign I noticed poking up out of a bank. The pines stood tall and erect, I could tell that their patient souls are steadfastly waiting for spring. The sky was a clear baby blue... it was a glorious day. I'd love to tell you how the wind whistled through my hair... but alas, my helmet prevented that glory. However, it did sting my cheeks and make my eyes water, which only made the ride more glorious.

I had a welcome few minutes of respite and freedom this weekend. And a lovely change of scenery. Thank you Abbie for inviting me! And the rest of the Smoots for letting me tag along.

Refining: fire or wind? Perhaps one follows the other.

Swirling. Spinning downward in a hurricane that you have spun. Trapped. You can feel the bottom looming, gravity should very soon provide a nasty crunching consequence to this floating whirlwhind you have created for yourself. But as you wrestle along, struggling to float, no crunch comes. And that just terrifies you all the more. Anticipation can be both a delicious and a dreadful companion. But tonight it chooses to be the latter, and it chooses to be alone with you.


For alone is what you are.


True, many friends and loved ones are near, but their faces float just beyond reach, just beyond that part of the gale that you cannot seem to stick your hand through, no matter the motivation.

And so you sweep along, wondering when it will stop. For stop it must. But when it does stop, what will the wind leave behind? A demolished landscape? Or a polished stone? Perhaps both?

When the wind stops, which storm will follow?

President's Day weekend with the Cooks

Skiing was a blast. And apparently I caught on quickly :D

My grandpa and aunt helped teach me how, and I spent saturday afternoon on the bunny hill at Beaver. I definitely want to go again. Maybe if I get lucky I can find someone who is about at my same level to party on the little slopes with me.

Saturday night I went swimming, and walked back to the place we were staying wet, in the cold at 11... which is probably a contributing factor to the nasty cough I've been fighting for the past 24 hours.
But I had fun, so who cares?

Last night I played Cranium with my cousins, we joked and laughed and came up with more dumb inside jokes that no one else would probably ever think is funny. Movies, tickling, food, no responsibilities, laughter... I slipped back into being a little kid again, and coming back to real life almost makes me want to cry.

I love my crazy, chaotic, hairbrained, wonderful Cook relatives. I am extremely proud to be a member of the family. But the whole time I was there, I had this gut wrenching feeling that it's never going to be the same again. Which isn't a bad thing, but part of me wants it to stay the same so badly. Jonathan will leave for his mission soon, and Spencer will go soon after that. Natalie, Steph and I won't know who to torment, and who knows what will happen with the boy situation. Natalie's missionary get's back this summer... and if I meet someone... not to mention Steph. Everything is just going to change. And it'll never be the same again.

I know everything will still be fun. I'll still love my family. We'll still have stupid inside jokes that no one thinks are funny except us. But saying goodbye to old times and ways is still difficult.

General News? Sorta...

So I didn't go to waffle wednesday tonight. Shame on me. I told myself this was due to too much homework and too little time, but then I come home and decide to publish a new post on my blog.

Go figure.

I realized that I haven't written about what I'm really up to in my life in a while, so I thought, "hey I'll put in some actual news!" And then I realized I have nothing really interesting to write about. Sure a few funny things have happened here and there... but mostly my life is homework, church, class, and trying not to feel stupid around my roommates. To be honest when I think of my relationship with them I feel like Mr. Wetherby from Sense and Sensibility is describing me when he says "how come (she's) the type of (person) everyone thinks well of, but no one remembers to talk to?"
I guess this is my own fault. I don't have much that is interesting to tell them, therefore they don't have much to say to me either. I don't feel like I know how to relate to them, and it's driving me nuts.

I thought of something!

One exciting thing coming up in my life will be my attempt to ski this weekend. I've lived in Utah my entire life and I have never been skiing before. Pathetic I know. But I'm super excited to go. A bunch of my extended family is going up to Beaver for the weekend. It's going to be a blast!The downside of going for the whole weekend though is that I've got homework coming out my ears... and I don't know when I'm going to get it done, since I know I will have zero motivation to do any of it while I'm up there.

So I realized that my paragraph about feeling stupid around my roommates makes it sound like my life is nothing but school and work... luckily it's not. I have fun with my FHE group, and a blast with Bree and Michelle at work. Our "tupperware" party/blowing up grapes expedition was a blast two weeks ago!

I think it's time to plan another adventure with them.

"Masquerade... paper faces on parade"

Am I the only one who hides behind a mask? Or multiple masks actually...I'd make a list of all the masks I wear because it'd be terribly interesting I'm sure, but the thing is I don't want anyone who happens to follow this blog to be able to recognize all of them. Plus, I use different masks in different situations, so that list would get awfully confusing awfully quick.
So instead I'm going to explore a different question.

Why do I hide?

I think it's because I don't trust people. Not with my feelings anyway. I have a hard time putting myself on the line, and when I feel infeior or drastically different I don't trust them to accept me for who I am. I like myself, but I don't always trust other people to like me too. In my brain I know this is all ridiculous, who cares what anyone else thinks? And for the most part I don't care what people in general think of me, but I care far too much about it if I value someones good opinion. For example: put me in a room of complete stranger's who I will never see again, I'll probably be willing to do just about anything. A room of people who I know are all ridiculous? Sure I'll be weird. How 'bout a room of people who I know are stuck with me? The people I work with or my family? I'll be completely myself there too. It's the people who have the option of walking away but who I want to stay that send me scuttling into my shell. And unfortunately these people are all around, especially at college: wardies, cute boys, roommates, classmates, potential girlfriends... they're everywhere.

So if I care about your good opinion and don't know you very well, I will probably be shy, or do something weird or out of character. Sorry. I guess this isn't that weird. I'm sure there are a lot of people like this... but it's still something I wish I could fix in myself.

Thought Processes

For one brief, lovely, impossibly perfect moment, I feel like I am caught up on life. School, church, family... it's all in a neat line. And as I breathe in that sigh of peace and contentment, a forgotten 'to-do' item pops into my head. And it is followed by a whole parade of absolutely necessary nuisances, things that are vital for me to remember, but that in all honesty I'd rather forget.

"Ah! Two more chapters and then I'm caught up on homework until Monday!

*Brief moment of bliss*

Wait! What about your ELED application? You forgot that... it's due soon. You need to go visit with Darcie about that receipt because you can't remember the URL for that website... crap, you were supposed to do that today. And you are going to have to do your laundry, that will spoil a bit of fun this weekend. Go take your laundry basket out of your closet so you won't forget it. Luckily those two things aren't that big. It's ok.
Wait! You forgot that AT project is due really soon and you haven't started it. You haven't paid Camille for Utilities yet, but then again no one has coughed up gas money either... you are running out of ink in your printer. But Circuit City went out of business didn't it? Are you even going to be able to find the right one anywhere anymore? That was the only place they sold it. Are you going to remember everything when you pack up tomorrow? Wait! You were supposed to clean the shower before you left. You are probably going to have to go grocery shopping when you get back on monday. Which won't leave much time for that AT project... did I remember to talk to Stan? Yes, but oh crap... I haven't e-mailed my group that list yet. Oh, speaking of laundry I've got to take the sheets of my bed tomorrow so they can get washed. Oh, and there are those towels in the dirty pile in the kitchen under the piano. I doubt anyone else is going to remember them. I'd better grab them. Speaking of grabbing them, I also need to remember to take Bee's movies back to her. Good thing those drinks are already in the car. I hope they haven't frozen and cracked or anything. Oh, and remember to text Jen tomorrow! Speaking of texting I also need to call Christine about next week... But how on earth am I going to remember all this stuff? How many more item's have just been tacked onto my to-do list that was 'supposedly' getting shorter? I can't even remember..."

And that's how it goes.

Seriously.

If anyone doubts that this is how my mind really works. I promise you that this type of thought processes is not uncommon for me.

Basically life on my own at college is nuts. It's a lot of fun. I love my crazy life. I love my disorganized brain, even though it does cause me stress. Maybe one day I won't feel so...

chaotic.

Growing up... Optional?

Honestly, do I have to grow up?

I think it's overrated. Let's all start going backwards!

War on Pessimism

Pragamatism is ok. But there is a difference between looking at things logically and looking at them pessimistically.

For the record: Pessimism is that dreary outlook, the glass is half empty, doom and gloom, life is horrible, there is nothing good about this situation attitude.

Optimism is the determination to find something good in every situation, no matter how dismal it may seem. You aren't ignoring the facts, you are just trying to find something good. (And just so you know... there is ALWAYS something good to find.)

You can disagree with the following opinions, but only if you go by the above mentioned definitions. Don't cheat and change them on me in order for arguments sake. And yes, I am talking to you Kyle.

There are few things wrong with finding everything in the universe to be broken, bad, or hopeless:

1. It's called "igetsocaughtupinhowcooliamthatistartcomplaningabouteverythingpossibleandijustendupsoundingstupid" syndrom. Kind of a mouthful. But it's true, and pretty self explanitory. Ever met someone with this disease? I have.

2. You run the risk of offending people.
Why point out everything bad about a situation, teacher, idea, class, friend, article... ect. ect? You aren't going to fix it by complaining. In fact, you may (in addition to possibly looking silly) find youself making a bad situation worse. (Which is so important I am going to give it it's own number.)

3. You may just find yourself making a bad situation worse.

4. As a Johnny raincloud, you rain on everyone else's parade and make the world seem more dreary. Get it? YOU AFFECT OTHER PEOPLE! Profound I know... I guess that's ok if you like being depressed and want everyone else to join you... maybe. This is closely interconnected with #2. The differences lies in the probable emotions that are going to be produced in other people.

So please stop whining all the time. Please. (I'm not saying never whine... just some of you... tone it down a bit. And think before you complain.)


Although... I will give it to you pessimists out there. You can be extremely amusing to argue with :)

Unapplauded Courage

Kindergarten. A word synonymous with crayons, carelessness, picture books, mini-melodramas, finger paints, snack time and fun.

Not.

I hope to heaven I was not a problem child in kindergarten. Don't get me wrong. I love going everyday. I am extremely proud of myself, I nearly have all the kids names down! And there are 48 of them to memorize. However I watch the teacher state, cajol, repeat, reprimand, repeat, remind, exhort, repeat, and correct about 15 billion times a day. This is just the teacher mind you. I do nearly as much correcting as she does, as do both of the TA's as well as the parent volunteers who come in everyday. After hearing 'I can't', 'She breathed on me!', 'Teacher look at this', 'My dog (insert story here)', 'He cut in line!', 'She won't let me have a turn,' ect. ect. forty billion times a day, on top of trying to be sensitive to student development, cirriculum goals and ability levels of each child.... I am worn out.

Kindergarten teachers have quickly jumped to the top of my list of bravest people I know.

I don't want to sound cocky, but I think I can do a fairly good job in the classroom. I can keep control of the class, run my center fairly smoothly and I'm learning the 'correct' way to give correction. Of course I still need a ton of practice. But I'm wondering if I will fall apart from exhaustion if I decide to be a regular education teacher, at least one in a kindergarten classroom that is.

Next time I go home I need to look up my kindergarten teacher, and tell her thanks. Teacher's are so undervalued. Sometimes when I tell people that I am an education major I feel like they look at me and think 'you couldn't think of anything better to go into?' Often times I think it's looked at as the 'copout' major. "I didn't know what to be... I couldn't handle that program... so I'll teach."

This paragraph is for all those people who think that teaching, and especially young childhood education, is a 'copout' major. One day when you are a parent, make sure you volunteer to help in your child's preschool or kindergarten class. Be there ALL day- don't wuss out and go for only an hour or two. Ask the teacher a few questions about the importance of early vocabulary and language aquisition as well as early intervention programs. I promise you will be amazed with what you see and learn. And if you aren't... either you are an educator, or your child has a clueless teacher.

The government, the kids, the parents, the developmental problems, the cirriculum goals ect. ect... have all been put teacher's between a rock and a hard spot. They work their tails off and get no recognition for it, but I think if more people could get an inside look at what exactly teacher's do and why they do it, maybe they'd be willing to do more to help.

So this is my tribute to early childhood educators. Thank you. I don't know if I'm brave enough to do what you do.

Special Education is looking really appealing right now....

Why do I remember so many dang dreams anyways?

I am softly falling into oblivion.... wrapped beneath a thick layer of blankets and contentment. Protection. Drowsiness brings with it the perfect serenity that can only be found in that moment of complete stillness between dreams and waking.

And then YOU appear.

Suddenly I dream, and the only safe harbor I had left is stripped away. In my dream I feel vivid sensations that belong only to the world of waking. YOU turned them into a horrible, wonderful fantasy. Only I can't decide which you turned it to...

Was Cinderella right when she said that "A dream is a wish your heart makes?" -I don't know if I like that.

Is it possible to meet someone "Once upon a dream?"

Don't get me wrong. YOU don't appear every night. Not even close. But since the first time you were there, I find myself no longer able to look towards sleep as a reprise. Will YOU be there tonight? Waiting?

Do I want you to be?

Ready, Set, Socialize!

So why is a social life necessary anyways?

I've been thinking about it.

Basically people need people. Which seems obvious, but why???

I bet you had to pause to think about that one didn't you?

This is the answer I came up with: If I don't know anyone, I can't help anyone. And then I break down and feel like a worthless piece of junk, which doesn't help anything, ever, at all. So I need to have friends so that I can help other people. Cause that's what I am here for.

Guess I'd better start talking to people more.