Mission Farwell

Saturday I found myself about to blow a fuse. Trapped inside my own brain, and about ready to go insane.... Luckily a friend rescued me, and let me talk it out at the park. Then I came home and ran - it was one of those times when you just need to move, and the burn and shortness of breath feels so good because it's a release and a distraction. Let's just say I was excited and nervous and overwhelmed.

I fell asleep that night, and woke without an alarm around 5:30 the next morning. I lay in bed for about a half an hour before getting up to get dressed... On especially anticipated mornings I usually wake up obscenely early without an alarm - an odd quirk of mine I guess.

I arrived at the chapel early, and then watched in awe as it began to fill with people I love. Some had come from far away, and who had made considerable effort to come. The meeting began, and I teared up as I realized that at least half of the congregation was there for me. Just because they love and care about me.

My talk went fairly well I think - I didn't break down in tears, and I think I managed to say what it is that I wanted to. I bore my testimony, and then spent the next few hours hugging people I love.

Can I just say that I love hugs? Due to this fact, Sunday was one of the best days ever. I got some great hugs. It was difficult to hug some people and realize I won't get to again for a very long time, but that's the nature of the game I guess.

A few of my friends who had come all the way from Logan for my farewell came to my house afterwards. Riley expressed his condolences that he hadn't made it to go dancing with me all summer - and then Dalon pointed out that there was a perfectly good kitchen floor present. So I danced in the kitchen with those two boys, both of whom I adore from the depths of my heart. Never dared to dream I'd find a man that would danced with me in the kitchen... who'd have thunk I'd find two on the very Sunday I say goodbye to the world to leave as a missionary? Haha. My life is so awesomely ironic sometimes.

Sunday night rolled around. I'd had a great time with my family, a good chance to play my oboe in a rehearsal, and was all around feeling superb. I was exhausted, but had enjoyed my day so thoroughly that I didn't want it to go to bed, cause that means it'd be over...

I wonder if this is kind of how my mission will be. I'll begin with nervous excitement. Then I'll run around like crazy- working hard and having many poignant moments. Moments where I feel pure joy, but also moments of sadness - and it'll all pass by in a whirlwind, and when I get to the end I won't want to be done, cause I know that it won't come again. I'll want to wake up the next morning and live it all over again....

I kind of hope that's how it goes anyways :)

Leave the Scar

Does the thought of who you used to be ever cause you to feel sheepish? Sometimes when I think about a way I acted or how I handled something badly I thank heaven that I'm not the person I used to be. But then this invariably leads to a wandering wondering about what I'll think of my present self 5 years from now. Will look back and think about what a fool I was?

I was listening to pandora tonight, when a song called "Heal the Wound" began to play --- and it really resonated with me. We all have imperfect pasts. We've all learned from them, and need not be ashamed of where we've been as long as we're heading in the right direction. It's those times that we screw up that force us to learn, and we become more beautiful because of it. The scars of our past are what force us to grow.

The song says it much more eloquently than I can... so I'll share the lyrics here:

Heal the Wound

By Point of Grace

I used to wish that I could rewrite history

I used to dream that each mistake could be erased

Then I could just pretend

I never knew the me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame away

Hide all the evidence of who I’ve been

But it’s the memory of the place You brought me from

That keeps me on my knees and even though I’m free

Heal the wound but leave the scar

A reminder of how merciful You are

I am broken, torn apart, take the pieces of this heart

And heal the would but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything

I don’t take pride in what I bring

But I’ll build an alter with the rubble that You’ve found me in

And every stone will sing of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar

A reminder of how merciful You are

I am broken, torn apart, take the pieces of this heart

And heal the would but leave the scar

Don’t let me forget

Everything You’ve done for me

Don’t let me forget

The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar

A reminder of how merciful You are

I am broken, torn apart, take the pieces of this heart

And heal the would but leave the scar

Faith

Where God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window. He has such good things in store for us...

So why is it so hard to trust and be happy no matter what life throws at us? Food for thought.

Foolish Pride

Sometimes I feel simultaneously as if I'm too old and too young. Like an awkward teenager during her growth spurt. All of a sudden my body is big. All of a sudden I can reach things and go places and have privileges I've never had before.... and I start to think I'm pretty hot stuff. People are kind and tell me nice things about yours truly. I let it go to my head.... and I start to think that I can conquer the world all by myself.

And then in one moment, I trip. And as I lay on the metaphorical sidewalk assessing my minor bruises (that don't feel so minor in the moment) --- I realize that I'm still a little girl.  And my pompous and rather foolish prideful behavior and attitudes are really just a mask for the child inside who is trying to prove something that she shouldn't need to and (quite frankly) can't prove. 

I am such a hypocrite. 

I could sit here and tell you all the blasted reasons that I have which compel me to try to prove I can be completely independent..... I could show you the countless times I've spurned help, or barely accepted it and only because I've consoled myself by thinking that I'm 'allowing' the other person to give service.... and then I'll turn around and tell everyone with conviction that God put us here to help each other, and that no one can make it by his or herself. I'll sit up at night wishing that the world wasn't 'leaving me behind' --- and then I'll get up in the morning and do everything I can to convince myself and the world that I want to be left behind.

So I guess this post is a confession. And an apology. Mostly to God, but also to all the people have been hurt by my pride. Myself included. I've been a coward. 

Luckily God is good at humbling the proud. And I will try to do better. You'll probably need to be patient with me though, because for me it's going to be a very long road, and a very uphill battle.... 

Opportunity Cost

Truth: it was the spirit that first taught me this principle. I was sitting in a distance ed class, listening to some lecture, when a young man that I greatly admired came up and knelt next to my chair. He asked if he could ask me a question, and then proceeded to give a 'hypothetical situation' that went something like this:

"So let's say I have this friend, and he and I grew up members of the Church of Jesus Christ all our lives. We both have been taught correct principles, but one day he decides that because he has been keeping the commandments that he is missing out on lots of experiences and opportunities that he could be having. So he decides that he is going to go have all of these 'experiences' that keeping the commandments prohibits him from having, while I choose to keep living the Gospel. So Krystal, my question is, am I missing out on experiencing those things because I am keeping the commandments?"

I'll never forget the shock I felt when this question was posed. The kid posing it was pretty much the most righteous and rock solid kid I knew. And I also don't think I'll ever forget realizing that I had no clue what the answer to his question was. But as I sat there and looked at him, my mouth opened, and out came words that definitely were not my own.

"Yes." I said quite simply. "You are missing out." And then as I noticed the shocked expression crossing his face, my mouth opened again, and out came more words that I had never heard before.

"You are missing out on all of those experiences he is having because you are keeping the commandments. You won't know what those things he is doing feel like. However, your friend is also "missing out" on some experiences that you are having. He won't know the blessings of honoring his priesthood, and of having a clean conscience. You see, in life we all have to miss out on something - the trick is deciding between what we are ok with missing out on and what we really want to experience."

Imagine my shock a year or two later when in a college business class the teacher defined a term she called 'opportunity cost,' which is of course the price of what you could have done in exchange for what you actually did.

Isn't it incredible what the spirit can teach us? I've been thinking a lot about opportunity cost lately. What am I giving up in order to be doing what I am doing now? What do I really want? What am I ok with missing out on? Are my actions actually helping me achieve my goals? I think sometimes in life we don't think enough about opportunity cost. We don't keep things in perspective. We shuffle around trying to gratify out immediate wants without stopping to think about how what we are doing now will affect our future ultimate ambitions. We set these ambiguous goals, and then sit around and hope they'll happen without making a solid plan to achieve them. Shame on us.

When I think about this in terms of building an eternal marriage and family it get's awfully confusing. How do I know that I'm really headed towards what I want most? What opportunities am I unknowingly giving up by my actions? I guess if I worry about it too much I'll just get a headache. So for now I'll just keep trying - because another glorious Gospel truth is that as long as we keep trying our best, God will not let us fail. I also believe that he won't let us miss out on what we need to learn and experience if we are giving our best effort to him.

God is Good

Back in August I was called to be the Relief Society President over a most incredible group of women. I didn't see or understand why Heavenly Father would ask me to do such a thing. For a week or two I'm pretty sure I just looked like a deer in the headlights. I couldn't comprehend how I was ever going to accomplish anything good or help anyone.

And someone told me that I would love my calling. This sweet girl informed me that I would cry when I was released. And I half believed her. I figured I'd cry after it was all over. But not the day of, in front of all my girls as I attempted to bear my testimony. But I did. I've cried a lot today. But they were tears of joy. Tears of gratitude at the incredible experiences that I've had this year. I've given the Lord my all. And he has richly blessed my life.

As I've come to know these sisters, I've seen an incredible amount of goodness and virtue. They have taught me so much more than I could ever hope to ever teach them. And as heavy as this mantle felt at times, I don't regret a single instance of it. I am so sincerely grateful that God trusted me enough to call me to his service. I am going to miss these girls so much.

The Lord is good. I am sincerely grateful to be able to see his hand in my life. There are so many times when I look around me and marvel at the events that have brought me to where I am. I know that he has a plan for me. I know he wants me to be happy. And I know that if I just trust him he will put me where I need to be. Not only where I need to be in order to build up his kingdom and help others find happiness, but also where I need to be to be the most happy and grow the most myself. Nothing is as constant as change, this is true. But change is so good.

About a week ago I started to feel afraid. Afraid that after this year and how intensely I've been involved with the ward that I will feel useless in my future assignments. Afraid that I won't be able to find where I am supposed to be. I thought this fear would grow as summer came closer. But right now it isn't there anymore. I've realized that those who desire to serve will always find opportunities to build the kingdom. If I just listen and have a genuine desire to be on the Lord's errand, he will have a place to send me.

This post is a very poor token of the depth of my many emotions today. But I want you to know that I have faith in God. I trust him. And I hope that one day I will be worthy of his trust in me.

Floaties

This may sound really odd... but I decided to study the word "Residue" as it appears in scripture, and I found some very interesting things.

Moroni 7:31 And the office of their ministry is to call men unto repentance, and to fulfil and to do the work of the covenants of the Father, which he hath made unto the children of men, to prepare the way among the children of men, by declaring the word of Christ unto the chosen vessels of the Lord, that they may bear testimony of him.
32 And by so doing, the Lord God prepareth the way that the residue of men may have faith in Christ, that the Holy Ghost may have place in their hearts, according to the power thereof; and after this manner bringeth to pass the Father, the covenants which he hath made unto the children of men.

Acts 15:17 That the residue of men might seek after the Lord, and all the Gentiles, upon whom my name is called saith the Lord, who doeth all these things.

And my favorite:

Moses 7:28 And it came to pass that the God of heaven looked upon the residue of the people, and he wept; and Enoch bore record of it, saying: How is it that the heavens weep and shed forth their tears as the rain upon the mountains?
32 The Lord said unto Enoch: Behold these thy brethren, they are the workmanship of mine own hands, and I gave unto them their knowledge, in the day I created them; and in the Garden of Eden gave I unto man his agency.
33 And unto thy brethren have I said, and also given commandment that they should love one another, and that they should choose me, their Father; but behold, they are without affection, and they hate their own blood.
39 And That which I have chosen hath pled before my face. Wherefore, he suffereth for their sins; inasmuch as they will repent in the day that my Chosen shall return unto me, and until that day they shall be in torment;
40 Wherefore, for this shall the heavens weep, yea, and all the workmanship of mine hands.


When I think of the word 'Residue' I think of floaties in the bottom of a drinking cup. You know the nasty stuff that you'd never consider drinking? Yeah. That. The 'residue of the people' in scripture usually refers to the wicked. The leftovers. The ones we as humans sometimes give up on as 'lost.' The floaties... the ones that 'aren't worth saving.'

And yet Enoch records that God wept over these. Here He's got the City of Enoch in his bosom. He's perfect. He's got creations numberless as the sands of the sea. He is just and true and kind and has so many children who are doing wonderful things and coming unto him. But God still weeps over the floaties. The residue. Because he knows that these of his children will have to suffer if they don't repent. And the thought that any of his children will have to suffer is painful to him. That's why he prepared a way for all of his children to repent and come unto him.

So then I started to think: How deeply appropriate is the symbolism that Christ 'drunk the dregs of the bitter cup.' The very vilest sins committed by the very vilest sinners... the dregs, (which I think are pretty much just cancerous floaties)... Christ drunk those. He really did descend lower than us all. No one is beyond the power of His saving grace. He really does have a plan to save anyone and everyone who will come unto Him and allow Him to heal them.

Can you believe it? No one is past his compassion or his love. He loves all of his children equally. Knowing that he loves me unconditionally like this makes me want to work harder so that he will not only love me, but so that he will trust me as well. Because I can think of no greater joy than that which would come from being trusted enough by Him to help Him in His work. To not only be His child, but His servant. What an honor that would be, because if I prove to be a faithful servant, then He will grant me the blessing of being an Heir to his power and glory.

Oh how great is the love of our God!

This is what it's all about!

Visiting teaching is pretty much the best thing ever.

One of my girls has been struggling. And I've spent a long time praying for her, and I've spent a long time worrying about her. And tonight I went to visit her, and she told me that she's had one of the hardest and one of the best weeks of her life. She shared with me some experiences that she has had, and some realizations that she's come to. She's decided to do some very hard things, and I'm so proud of her. She told me something that really touched my heart. She said that she was reading a talk by President Monson, and it reminded her of something that I had told her... she said something to this effect:

"I remember you telling me that you prayed to know if the Book of Mormon was true, and you didn't get a big answer, your answer was just small, and you said that Heavenly Father just told you that you already knew that it was true. Well, I was reading this talk and it talked about this young man who had made a commitment to never play sports on Sunday. Unfortunately his team had a game on a Sunday. He talked to his coach, and his coach told him he expected him to be there. So he went home to pray about whether or not he should play that day, and the answer to his prayer was 'why are you asking? you already know the answer.' and that just made me think of you... and I realized that I already know what's right... I just forgot a little bit for a minute."

I wanted to cry. This beautiful strong woman has had some very intense trials in the past few months, but she is coming out on top! And I did something to help... some experience that the Spirit directed me to share with her a while ago helped her in some small way, and I realized that this is what visiting teaching is all about. It's that help that you give, the love you show and the joy you experience when you see the light of the Gospel touch someones life and change it for the better, even if it's just in a very small way.

The Spirit is so cool. And I LOVE the Gospel of Jesus Christ!

You should know that

this December we get to celebrate the birth of the most glorious being to ever walk upon this earth. He happens to be my best friend, and I want to tell you some of the reasons I think he is so wonderful.

I was eleven, and I'd never been more alone... I cried to him, and he came to me -- wrapped me in his arms, and told me that he loved me. He does that a lot. In fact, he was there for me during those months when I lied to myself and everyone else... saying that I was happy when I wasn't. He held me. He got me through. Sometimes he comes himself, and sometimes when I cry to him he sends an angel to watch over me. No matter what, he never lets me down.
Another thing I love about him is that he is really good at listening. In fact, he's the best at listening. That summer evening a year and a half ago when I prayed over something that may have been silly... but was so valuable to me... he answered. More than answering, he cared. And those times when I prayed because I needed help, he showed me the best way to go. And sometimes when he has answered, but I wasn't listening very well, he's been patient and repeated himself.

I'm not a very good friend to him yet, but I'm working on it. Because he's so great, he's very patient with me. He's shared his love for other people with me. Did you know that he loves YOU a lot? More than a lot actually... he loves you perfectly. He knows everything about you. ALL the good, ALL the bad, and everything in-between, and he loves you still. There isn't anything you can do that will make him stop caring. I promise you that.

His name is Jesus Christ. And I want you to know that I believe him. I mean, I know he's the Savior of the world... but more than that, I believe what he said. I believe he wants me to be happy. I believe he can make me happy if I just let him into my life. I believe that he can make you happy too. But you have to let him. You have to trust him enough to do the things he says. He won't force you to be happy, but he will show you how, because he's great like that.

Did you know that a lot of people forget his birthday? Sometimes I'm not very good at remembering it myself... but this year I'm going to be better. I'm going to help someone that he wants me to help. That's going to be one of my gifts to him. I'm going to bear my testimony this season... that will be another gift. I can't give him a lot, but I can give him my heart, which is the most valuable thing I have to give. I know it will make him happy. I know he'll be even more happy if you give him your heart too. Not just part of it, but all of it. It'll be scary to do, but I want you to know that he'll take care of it. And he'll make you happier than you ever dreamed if you give it to him.

There are lots of other people who are good friends with Christ. They believe him. In fact, a lot of them are better friends to him than I am, I admire them and want to be more like them. Elder McConkie was a very good friend of Jesus. I love his testimony, he said: "I am one of his witnesses, and in a coming day I shall feel the nail marks in his hands and in his feet and shall wet his feet with my tears. But I shall not know any better then than I know now that he is God’s Almighty Son, that he is our Savior and Redeemer, and that salvation comes in and through his atoning blood and in no other way."

Can you picture it? That day when you will kneel before the Savior of the world and bathe his feet with your tears? That day when He'll pull you into his arms, and you'll know you are home. That day when you can whisper thank-you, mean it more sincerely than you ever have before, and know that despite it's inadequacy it will be accepted by Him.

I hope that you know this too. I hope that you have a Happy Christmas, and I hope that you will take a moment to stop and remember the real reason we are celebrating. I hope you'll whisper a thank-you to Him on Christmas Eve. And I hope you listen when He whispers back.

Reprimand of Love

Today in institute we talked about righteous anger. We determined that rightous anger comes out of love, a desire to help someone improve. It never occurous out of the heat of the moment, and the Spirit always accompanies it. The Spirit is actually what gets to do the real reproving.

It reminded me that I was called to repentance yesterday by the Spirit. For something I didn't even really realize was a problem to be honest.

Saturday night I had a melt down. I think this was because I was extremely tired. Friday night and saturday morning were spent at a RS Retreat where I simply feasted on the Spirit; it was so strong. I've discovered that intense doses of the Spirit are exhausting on the body. Hence my state of tiredness. Because I was exhausted I was quiet, and reflective, and melacholy. And then my adorable and innocent roommate did and said some things that reminded me of a set of memories I have been trying to banish from my thoughts. These are not bad memories, they just generally tend to put me in a sad mood, and so I try to avoid them. Anyways, combine the memories leading to a state of melancholy with my extreme tiredness... and I found myself laying in bed and shaking while the tears just leaked out.

Then: Yesterday I had about a bazillion meetings. Ok... not quite that many, but let's just say I was doing church stuff for NINE STRAIGHT HOURS. And as I was sitting in a fireside in the course of my busy day, the sweet wife of President Whitsides started talking about how important it is to trust the Lord. I think the Stake President talked about it a bit to... and somewhere in the middle of something someone was saying, it hit me. The reason that I had a meltdown the previous night is because I haven't yet placed my complete confidence in my Lord. Actually, this is the reason that I've had a lot of mini-meltdowns over the past while. And I could feel the Spirit telling me that I need to fix that. It was a righteous reproach by a loving Heavenly Father, telling me that if I trusted him more then I wouldn't have to be sad as frequently.

I want to fix this. But I have to confess that I don't really know how. I can pray harder, or read my scripture more, or keep myself more busily engaged in the work the Lord has asked me to do right now; but I'm scared that even that won't work.

And I'm ashamed to admit, part of me doesn't really want to change, because I like being melancholy sometimes. My roommate tends to put her arms around me when I have my mini-meltdowns, or she brings me ice-cream, or she helps me do stupid activities so that I forget why I'm sad, or she just listens. And I like that. I like letting her patch me up.

I trust God. I know that he will make things in my life work out for the best. I've been telling myself that over and over. But more importantly, He's told me. In fact around 1 o'clock on saturday he told me that he would make everything I was worried about right.
And yet I still fret. And despite the fact that he told me he'd take care of me at 1pm, I still had a melt down at midnight... not even a full 12 hours later. And so the Spirit had to kick me in the middle of a lovely meeting and tell me that I need to knock it off.

Guess I'd better set to work....

Prayers are more in order than congratuations people...

So in case you couldn't guess... I got called as the Relief Society President in my ward. Well, over half my ward anyways. And people seem to find this sort of thrill when they can introduce me and say, "This is Krystal, THE Relief Society President." Which I have absolutely no idea how to react to....

Many people also seem to think that it is appropirate to congratulate me on my new calling, which I pretty much don't get. I do not view this whole new adventure as something worthy of congratulations, as if I have just earned a medal. I think I would much rather have someone say, 'Good luck... I'll pray for you.' While perhaps patting me on the back. That would be much easier for me to react to, and much more comforting.

Don't get me wrong, I feel super blessed to have the opportunity to serve the sisters in my ward, and I've already noticed blessings in my life: I can remember names better than usual, I've noticed that I care deeply about and can feel the Lord's love for girls that I barely know, and I have also felt the Spirit's influence in my life stronger.

I've also noticed something else happening to me... how I act is a bit different. My whole life the Relief Society President was a lady to look up to, someone to aspire to be like... and now my view has been completely thrown off. The night I got called I got home, opened my scriptures, and read that "it is by small and simple things that great things are brought to pass." And I realized that the Lord calls the weak things of the earth to accomplish his purposes. Therefore: I must be pretty dang weak if he is calling me to watch over everyone else. I'm the weakest of all the girls in the ward! But yet I'm supposed to be the example. Therefore I sometimes find myself thinking things like: "Well, I'd better do that because that's what a good Relief Society President would do." Or... "I can't do that, I'm the Relief Society President." This is both a blessing and a curse. I've definitely been better behaved than I was before anyways...

In addition to my behavior changing, I've also noticed people looking at me differently. It kind of makes me uncomfortable; there is this silent assumption of the type of person I am, as well as a stigma instantly attached to my forehead whenever someone decides to mention that 'she's the Relief Society President.' It's an instant expectation I feel I am not qualified to meet. And I find myself wanting to yell, "But I'm still a real person!! In fact I'm the same person I was a week ago, so quit looking at me like that!" Argh.

Ok. I'm done ranting now, and now I can go back to smiling and pretending like I've got everything together. Because a good Relief Society President has it all together right? hahaha... I feel like a joke kinda. Oh well. I am grateful for the call to serve, terrified I'm going to screw it up, and super happy to know that I have wonderful people and a loving Heavenly Father who all have my back. So ready or not, here I go!

Add 4 Ounces of Humility....

I'm not sure why, but for the last few days I've felt a bit melancholy. I think it's in part because there are a few people that I really miss spending time with... and I wish I could stop thinking about them... but... *sigh.* Anyways.

There is a bigger reason for my feelings though: I've realized that the Lord trusts me way too much. I accepted a calling tuesday -- and technically I'm not supposed to say what it is until after I'm sustained tomorrow. But seeing as no one will be reading my blog tonight probably, I don't feel too bad giving a hint: think of the worst possible scenario. Yup. That's right. That's me. And I actually said I'd do it. Meh.

My last post I talked about how I was grateful to be able to see the Lord's hand leading my life. And I meant every word -- but I am really wishing that he didn't trust me quite so much. I'm definitely not good enough for this. Not even close. I know, I know -- I've just got to trust him and follow the Spirit and he'll magnify me if I do my very best. Ok... yeah, I KNOW it'll work out. But knowing that isn't going to stop me from feeling inadequate.

I've realized that I've been way too selfish in my life for the past while. And I mean WAY too selfish. Therefore: now it's time to quit thinking about myself. I think that's what he's going to teach me next. In fact, I can almost hear him saying, "Haha kiddo... You're kinda proud and selfish, so let's line you up for the humility and service lessons next. Good luck!" I know I need to stop focusing on what I need and what I want and how to get it; I need to start focusing on other people, what the Lord wants me to do and how to serve.

Unfortunately knowing that is the easy part -- doing it is the rough part.

So: say a little prayer for me will ya? I need all the help I can get.

Stepping into the Dark

I can't count the number of times that I have had conversations or lessons or discussions about taking 'leaps of faith.' I thought I understood the concept: if you trust God enough, then no matter what he asks you to do you will do it... even though it may be frightening and you may not understand why he is asking you to do it.

But I realized recently that understanding the concept is one thing, and applying it is something completely different.

When you realize that somewhere buried deep down inside, you do have that courage, and you take that difficult step into the dark... you will probably still be frightened. You may feel lost. You will strain your eyes and your spiritual senses will seem to stand still while they hope for a glimmer of direction. But when you take the step off the edge, and you realize that you trust God enough to follow his voice into the dark, something inside of you is set free, because you realize that your hand is being held by God.

It is so liberating to realize that it really doesn't matter to me if my path is illuminated, because I don't need to use my eyes when God is holding my hand.

Missionary Experience!

I had the coolest experience on saturday!
I was at work at the Mayan, and it was dreadfully slow.... so I went and got my scriptures, propped them open on the front desk, and was reading them while I waited for people to greet. Around noonish I left them sitting open on the desk for a few minutes to go clean some windows, and when I came back, a server that I didn't know was completely absorbed in my Doctrine and Covenants.
I was surprised, but didn't mind at all, so I just let her read. After a minute or two she asked who's scriptures they were, and then asked me how to reference the heading to section 132 so that someone else would know which part she wanted them to read. This kind of told me that she isn't really familiar with the church... so I helped her out, and then she continued reading. A few minutes later, she asked if she could take my scriptures to read on her smoking break. Funny right?

About 5 hours later I hadn't seen her or my scriptures reappear. And I admit I was a bit nervous about it. I didn't know who she was, or what had happened to my Quad. So I found out her name, and then headed to the 2nd floor to hunt her down to ask her if she still had them with her.

When I found her, she apologized for keeping them so long, and explained that it had been such a slow day, she had hardly anything to do, so she had been reading. She then asked if she could keep them until one of us got off work, because she wanted to continue reading.

I was amazed. I cannot say I've ever spent that long at once in the D&C, and I've grown up in the church! At this point I started getting really excited, and asked her if she had any questions about what she was reading. She asked one about the commandments, and another about the word of wisdom, and it was fun to chat with her about it.

Now, I'm already thinking this is really cool. But it's about to get even cooler, so hold on.

The night before I was at my Grandparents house sleeping over, and they had told me that my Papa's neice worked at the Mayan and asked me if I knew her. Apparently this gal (my cousin once removed) has had a rough life. Her Mom abused drugs and her Dad was completely inactive. Now what does this side note have to do with the server reading my Quad? That's right... they are the same person. Crazy sauce huh?

So we made this connection, and there was much exclaiming and smiling all around. At this point I'm desperately wishing there was some way I could help her more without coming across as overbearing. So I run out to my car, and grab my triple that I used in seminary. It's got some papers stuffed in it, some highlighted passages, and a tiny bit of water stain on the top of the front page, but other than that it's in great condition. I ran it up the stairs to her about 1/2 an hour before my shift ended, and told her that I'd love it if she'd take it home to have and read.

She was so excited, and that made me excited, and I've been excited every time I think about it ever since.

Isn't this gospel of Jesus Christ a wonderful thing? I'm continually amazed at how many missionary experiences are waiting to knock us over the head if we just open our eyes and do our best to live the teachings of the gospel and be an example to all those around us. Heavenly Father really does guide our footsteps so we can help others.

I don't know what is going on in this womans life. I don't know if she'll keep reading and asking questions. I don't have any idea if I will ever get to talk to her again about it. I hope I do though.

What I do know is that I did what I could. Whatever happens in her life, I came away better for the experience, and I am so grateful that Heavenly Father gave it to me.

Nobel and Great

I feel like in the last 5 days I've learned a whole month's worth of spiritual lessons. I'd like to share one with anyone who happens to read this silly little blog of mine...

I went to institute on thursday, and we were studying part of Abraham. Now most of you all probably know the scripture Abraham 3:22...it's scripture mastery, but I'd like to stick it in here anyways. It says:

"Now the Lord had shown unto me, Abraham, the intelligences that were organized before the world was; and among all these there were many of the noble and great ones. And God saw these souls that they were good, and he stood in the midst of them, and he said: These I will make my rulers; for he stood among those that were spirits, and he saw that they were good; and he said unto me: Abraham, thou art one of them; thou wast chosen before thou wast born."

I think most of us have been told multiple times that this scripture applies to us just as much as it did to Abraham. Because we are of the House of Israel, (which is a HUGE deal... by the way) and because we were born in this time and place we know that we were valiant spirits. Secretly I've always kind of wondered if I managed to slip in by mistake. Maybe I was visiting a 'nobel and great one' when the Savior came to call them and I just went along with it... sometimes I'm so weak it's hard to believe that I was one of them. As I sat in institute though, and we talked about it, this wonderful warm feeling came over me, and I nearly started to cry, because I KNEW that I was among those spirits.

My wonderful teacher, Brother Dymock, told us that the thing that seperated the 'Nobel and Great Spirits' from the others was simply what they wanted. Not all Spirits wanted to become like our Heavenly Father and Mother, but those who did, those who wanted it more than anything else... they were the ones that God came and spoke to in this scripture. I can know I was one of them, because I want more than anything, anything in the whole world, to become like my Heavenly Father, and I want to be with my family forever.

I've always kind of left the scripture right there when I've read it before. But I realized thursday that the verses that come right after it are just as important. They say:

"And there stood one among them that was like unto God, and he said unto those who were with him: We will go down, for there is space there, and we will take of these materials, and we ill make an earth whereon these may dwell; And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them."

Christ came and talked to us! (Who else would be "like unto God"?) And he invited us to help him make the earth... we helped make it! And then he said, "We will prove them..."

He didn't say... "And God will prove them"
Or... "And I will prove them"
Or... "And you all will be proven"

He said... "We will prove them."

Now I don't profess to know exactly what this means... but I have a few guesses. And there is one thing that I know about it. It means that the reason I am here right now, is because I need to help my brothers and sisters prove themselves. As I help them, I continue prove myself. It's made me feel a lot more responsible to help those around me. It's made me want to be so much better than I am. And it's given me the courage and motivation to try harder to be better the past few days.

Isn't the Gospel of Jesus Christ wonderful?

I didn't come for the weeds.

Ok... so my post earlier this morning made me sound like a horrible moaning griper. But the thing is, I really do have a lot to be grateful for.

One of those things to be grateful for is wonderful visiting teachers who shared this story with me. It's changed how I'm looking at life, and it's given me a much better attitude the last few weeks. I'm taking it directly from Elder Eyring's words. It goes like this:

"How in the world, you might ask, do you expect us to excel in using our intellects and yet wait so patiently upon the Lord?
Let me encourage you by telling you a story. It was told to me by my father. He told it with the intent to chuckle at himself. It was a story about his trying to do his duty, just the way you try to do your duty.
Now you have to know a little bit about my father. His name was Henry Eyring, like mine. He had done some of the things students of this university are preparing to be able to do. His work in chemistry was substantial enough to bring the honors some of you will someday have, but he was sill a member of a ward of the Church with his duty to do. To appreciate this story, you have to realize that it occurred when he was nearly eighty and had bone cancer. He had bone cancer so badly in his hips that he could hardly move. The pain was great.
Dad was the senior high councilor in his stake with the responsibility for the welfare farm. An assignment was given to weed a field of onions, so Dad assigned himself to go work on the farm.
Dad never told me how hard it was, but I have met several perople who were with him that day. I talked to one of them on the phone the other night to check the story. The one I talked to said that he was weeding in the row next to Dad through much of the day. he told me the same thing that others who were there that day have told me. He said that the pain was so great that Dad was pulling himself along on his stomach with his elbows. He couldn't kneel. The pain was too great for him to kneel. Everyone who has talked to me has remarked how Dad smiled, and laughed, and talked happily with them as they worked in that field of onions.
Now, this is the joke Dad told me on himself, afterward. He said he was there at the end of the day. After all the work was finished and the onions were all weeded, someone asked him, "Henry! good heavens! You didn't pull those weeds, did you? Those weeds were sprayed two days ago, and they were going to die anyway."
Dad just roared. He thought that was the funniest thing. He thought it was a great joke on himself. He had worked through the day in the wrong weeds. They had been sprayed and would have died anyway.
When Dad told me this story, I knew how tough it was. So I said to him, "Dad, how could you make a joke of that? How could you take it so pleasantly?"
He said something to me that I will never forget, and I hope you won't. He said, "Hal, I wasn't there for the weeds."
Now, you'll be in an onion patch much of your life. So will I. It will be hard to see the powers of heaven magnifying us or our efforts. It may even be hard to see our work being of any value at all. And sometimes our work won't go well.
But you didn't come for the weeds. You came for the Savior. And if you pray, and if you choose to be clean, and if you choose to follow God's servants, you will be able to work and wait long enough to bring down the powers of heaven.
Don't worry too much about the apparent conflict between your scholarly ambitions and doing your duty to God as a humble Latter-day Saint. Both take diligence and enough humility to endure not having things go your way. But the rewards are far different, far greater.
I was with Dad in the White House in Washington, D.C., the morning he got the National Medal of Science from the president of the United States. I missed the days when he got all the other medals and prizes. But, oh, how I'd like to be with him on the morning he gets the prize he won for his days in the onion patches. He was there to wait on the Lord. And you and I can do that, too. We could wait on the Lord tonight.
I pray that we will, tonight, tomorrow, and on and on. Then maybe we can hear this said of us: And now, my son, I trust that I shall have great joy in you, because of your steadiness and your faithfulness unto God; for as you have commenced in your youth to look to the Lord your God, even so I hope that you will continue in keeping his commandments; for blessed is he that endureth to the end. [Alma 38:2]"

Isn't that the coolest story? It just kind of puts it all into perspective for me. And makes me properly ashamed of my bellyaching.
I should quit moaning about the weeds, because I am lucky enough to know that they are not what I am here for.

I am here for the Savior.

'Will Wonders Never Cease?'

On January 8th I told you about a miracle, last night I got another small one.

Three nights ago I was putting on my PJ's when I noticed some red bumps on the left side of my back- they didn't hurt so I didn't give them a lot of thought. Two nights ago they started itching, so I showed them to my roommate, and she was kind enough to give me some cortizone cream. Last night as I walked home from school, they were driving me crazy, so I texted my Mom to ask her what was best to put on my rash to treat it.

Following a thorough investigation where I got to describe, in great detail, exactly what my rash looked like and where it was, I found myself on the phone with a nurse that my Mom works with. She said that I needed to get it checked immediately- and if I couldn't she was going to have her doctor fax the nearest pharmacy to me a prescription. I didn't really understand what all the fuss was about, after all it's only a little itch; like a small army of baby mosquitoes got hungry one night and all randomly decided to eat the same spot on me.

I went into the doctors office, and unfortunately they had stopped seeing people already, but when I told them I had come in because a nurse on the phone had told me I might have shingles- they admitted me immediately and the next thing I knew, a doctor was writing me a prescription and asking me what I was allergic to.

It was kind of a crazy afternoon.

So I have shingles- which I'm told can become so painful it's hard to walk. Luckily I caught mine pretty early on, which should help, in theory at least.

So why do you ask is this a miracle? Well it isn't really... what is the miracle is that I have friends who were willing to run over at 9pm last night to give me a Priesthood blessing. In it I wasn't told that I'd get over it quickly or be healed soon- but I was told that I was given this, and other trials for a reason. I was given them because Heavenly Father loves me, and I was also reassured that I would soon understand why I need to experience these things.

I felt a warm comforting sensation begin at my head where their hands were, and it trickled down into my whole body. As I sit here, I feel so loved by Heavenly Father just thinking about the memory of it. And I am so grateful he gave me such amazing friends who were willing to drop everything they needed to do in order to come help me.

So while I'm not glad that I'm 'sick' and itching up a storm, I am grateful for the opportunity it provided for that blessing last night.

Riley... 100% attendance.... here we come!

Remember a few weeks ago -- I made a bargain with the ward mission leader. He said he would become a 100% attendee of FHE if I found someone for the missionaries to teach.

Well last night I was on my way to ward volleyball when I met my non-member neighbor friend outside. I invited him to come with me to play, and he came along eagerly. On the way home I asked him if he'd like to come again next week, and he said he'd like to, and then asked if he would need to 'enroll' or 'sign-up.' I kind of chuckled at the perfect opportunity- and then explained how ward volleyball was set up. This led to a discussion about the church, which led to a discussion about what I believe, which led to a dicussion about he belives, which led to talking about the missionaries and church, which led to talking about the Bible and Book of Mormon, which led to giving him a Book of Mormon and bearing my testimony, which led to him expressing interest in learning more.

So either he really is interested... was just being super nice, or the third option is that perhaps he didn't quite understand everything I said: which is possible considering that he's from India. I'm hoping it's the first one.

Sharing the gosple with him made me so excited and so happy! I was on such a spiritual high last night. God really does help us acheive the rightous desires of our hearts! My testimony of this has been strengthened so much. He also gives us amazing opportunities to share the gosple when we pray for them, even when we weren't sure at all about how we were going to find someone to share the truth with.

So I am so stoked... and I will be so excited if we are able to get my friend an appointment to meet with the missionaries!

Especially since this will doom Riley to keeping his end of the deal for sure :D

Big Deal

I was thinking tonight about some things that are a 'big deal' in my life. And I was thinking about how each person is blessed with different weaknesses and challenges. I think that sometimes when one person struggles with something that is another person's strength, the person with the strength has a tendency to brush off their friends weakness as 'no big deal.' Phrases such as "Toughen up," "Grow up," "Get over it," and of course, "It's not that big of a deal," are then used as "advice" for the person with the weakness.

Isn't it interesting that God never does that? When we kneel before him and say, 'Heavenly Father, this really matters to me. I am struggling.' He doesn't say "Well kiddo, this trial is good for you, toughen up." Instead he says, "My child, I love you and will help you. You won't be alone." He doesn't make light of anything that we feel is a big deal, because what matters to us matters to him.

This principle doesn't just apply to areas of weakness or struggle, it also applies to the things we are happy or excited about. When we go to Heavenly Father and tell him all about the small joys we find in life he doesn't laugh at us and say "That's a silly thing to be excited about." He rejoices with us! Because his goal is to help us be happy.

I am grateful to know that Heavenly Father cares about me, and he cares about all my private joys, sorrows, struggles and triumphs. I am grateful to know that he is willing to help me, even if my problems are "small." I am glad that he listens and reassures me of his love and support when I am struggling. I hope that I can be more like him and never make light of something that someone else is struggling with, even if it doesn't seem like a 'big deal' to me.

Sunday is my favorite day of the week

Heavenly Father loves me. And he helps me fix problems that I didn't even know how to define, much less solve. I'm glad that he is watching over me. I'm glad that he hears and answers my prayers even if it's not always how I think I'd like them to be answered. I have been truly blessed this week by him, and gratitude prompted me to get up and bear my testimony in sacrament meeting today, which is always a completely nerve wracking experience for me. I shake and my heart pounds and half the time I don't even know if the words coming out of my mouth make any sense at all...

Anyways.

I stayed up late last night and slept in this morning... thus when my phone rang and woke me up I answered it and prayed that I wouldn't sound like a frog. The bishop asked if I would be able to come see him, and I wholeheartedly agreed to come meet with him two hours later. I then hung up the phone and fell right back asleep.

My meeting with him went well, and church was great. I was sustained today as a member of the compassionate service committe. Basically I get to watch out for the other sisters in the ward and try to help those who may be having a rough time. I am super excited, and nervous at the same time. I am grateful for the opportunity to serve though.

Tonight was busy: a fireside, getting set apart, practicing a musical number, ward chior, ward prayer, and talking to Gentry about compassionate service, then my home teacher's came over and I got in a few game of mancala in with Jay after that.... whew. But I like staying busy, it's so much better than being bored :)