Two in One

Yesterday I did two very big, very scary, and very needed things.

I changed my major.

And I ended a friendship.

Whew.... I feel like a different person almost. Changing my major was a lot more satisfying than I thought it would be. And when I ended a friendship with a person who has been hurting me more than I care to admit- it was so relieving.

Change is constant - but the funny thing is, it's usually for the better.

So now I am a Special Education major with an emphasis in Mild-Moderate disabilities; and I only have four semesters left before I get my teaching license. The fourth one will be student teaching!

School Starts Again...

So I moved back to Logan- and although I had a rough time leaving home, I am glad to be back. I didn't realize how many people I had up here to miss. I keep bumping into old friends and it's been fun to catch up with people.

I am happy to report that it was a lot easier for me to move up this year. I only had one breakdown... and that was about an hour and a half prior to driving off. I finished packing, and then wound up on my bed reading old journal entries from last year. I ended up sitting on my bed and just crying- I think because I quit moving and doing and starting thinking about who I am going to miss while I am at college. Combine that with the fact that I was starting to feel like nobody cared I was leaving-- (I had two of my good buddies blow off seeing me before I left, and narrowly missed not being able to say goodbye to another good friend) -- yeah, I had a meltdown. But now that I'm up here and staying busy I am doing great. Thankfully.

Our ward is different than last year. I'm no longer in the amazingly awesome 34th ward- instead they realigned stake boundaries and I am now in the 7th ward- which I'm hoping will be just as fun as my ward last year. I spent some time yesterday catching up with Cami Webb (I adore that girl) and spent some time today catching up with Hyrum - I'd forgotten how much fun I have when he's around.

My classes are going to be crazy busy I think- but I think I'll enjoy the content because they are all going to be very relevant to getting my teaching license. I am a bit nervous about school- especially since I think I'm revamping my plan so that I can go more towards the Occupational Therapy side of life. Ahh! I really hate the first day of school because they dump an entire semester/schoolyear/lifetime on you and it's kind of stressful to think about....

But anyways--

I feel like I am rambling about general news, which is ok- but probably not very interesting to read about.

Under Lock and Key

Do you ever lock your dreams away inside of you? You take a dream, not an ordinary dream, but a dream that is so special to you it's almost sacred, and you put it in a box, shut and lock the box, and then you tell yourself that you aren't wishing for it anymore-

-but you are sorta lying to yourself.

Because you are still wishing for it, but because the dream is so fragile, and you want it so deeply, you pack it away and convince yourself that if it never comes true it will be just fine. It won't hurt when it doesn't come true because it is packed away in a corner, and you'll leave it there to gather dust, like a trunk in a musty attic.

However, secretly you are wishing and planning and hoping- if by some miracle the dream starts to look like a possiblity, then you'll climb into the attic, find the box, bring it back out, dust it off, unlock it, pull out your dream, and set it free. And when it is free and can finally come true- that's the day you'll allow yourself to really believe in fairytales. That's the day when you'll realize that it's ok to have fantastic hopes, because that'll be the day you'll realize that sometimes wishes do come true- even when they look completely impossible for the time being. That's the day you'll understand that you should treasure hope...

So here's to hoping that I get to climb into my attic in the future, because for now, I'm putting a very special dream up there under lock and key.

Barriers

I am a builder- and my specialty is walls. In fact, I'm so good at building them, that at my best I can rival the great wall of China. Sadly enough, my work will never be made famous, because my walls are invisible.

Yes, I am very adept at building mental and emotional walls. So good in fact, that I don't even know that I'm building them- until one day I step back and realize that I've trapped myself - trapped myself beneath a bundle of fears and hopes --- this prison is concrete; I cannot break it down. I've been clawing at it for 3 months. Beating at it- sometimes wholeheartedly, sometimes only halfheartedly- but it's still there. Some days I find myself adding to it- and when I realize that I have moved yet another stone into place, I become angry with myself and try to undo my work; only I can't move the stones out of my wall by myself- and those who could help me to move them don't have any idea that I need help.

This wall I have built- it is a blessing and a curse. It keeps me safe from hurt, but it also keeps me hidden from love. I know that if I told the individual who is built into the foundation of my wall what I was building, he could shake and and send it crashing down around me. This would bring two possible outcomes - If I let that someone help me destroy the wall I would either: get crushed in the tumble, or learn what it feels like to be free.

I'm sure any who are reading this are probably thinking "That Krystal girl is completely insane! What the crap is she talking about?" Maybe a few of you know what I feel like- maybe you've got a wall or two of your own.

Maybe one day I'll get the courage to ask for help rocking the foundation of my wall; maybe one day I'll find a jackhammer and beat it down myself; maybe one day prince charming will unlock the secret door in the wall and rescue me from it.

Maybe one day I'll be free.