Read at your own risk....

This post is going to be frivolous and silly. You have been warned.

Confession: one of my favorite chick flicks of all time is 'While you were sleeping' - with Sandra Bullock. She plays a ticket booth operator named Lucy who looks forward every day to seeing this particular man come through to catch his train. She has their entire life together planned out, despite not knowing anything about him - including his name. Then the plot thickens and she saves his life and falls in the love with his brother while he's in a coma... yada yada.

Point is. None of us really want to admit we're so pathetic that we actually do that. But I think secretly, to some degree, every girl with no prospects just can't help herself sometimes. So here is my real confession - I definitely fell in love with a total stranger this week.

I work in the temple Thursday afternoons (which is so wonderful I could go on and on and on about it for a very long time) - and when you are a temple worker you float around from job to job, and mostly you don't have contact with workers of the opposite gender. And when you do have contact with them, it's when you are glancing peeks  while you walk past to go help with veils or when you are both helping a patron... but you don't have any real chances to converse with one another. Sort of like our Lucy in the previously discussed film.

Now in my shift, there are quite a few men with varying degrees of attractiveness... but none that had really caught my eye. Then it happened. I was helping a woman at the veil and I looked up and saw him. I mean... I'd seen him before from a distance and thought he looked nice... but not to really particularly notice him... but this time I saw his eyes. And he was looking right at me, and I realized I was supposed to say something in my role as a worker, but he kind of half smiled and it was all I could do to not melt into a puddle of total incoherentness. THAT would have been embarrassing... let me tell you. And then, a moment later (while helping the same person) he reached up his arm and accidentally hit me in the nose... and then it was even harder not to laugh when we made eye contact again.

I don't know his name. Or how old he is. Or where he is from. Or really anything about him... except that he has amazing eyes.... that make it difficult to concentrate when they are looking at me... he has a soothing voice... and he doesn't have a ring on his hand... (I know. I got a look at it after it hit me in the face.)

So now I'm secretly beginning to plan out our life together. Ok... not really our whole life... but my fingers are crossed that the stars will align and one day I'll learn his name...

*sigh. Maybe I'll save his life and fall in in love with his brother... NOT. Haha. I'm not that pathetic ok??

If you just wasted your time reading that it's your own fault. I did warn you... ;)

Dear Men Letters (Yes I'm breaking down and writing my own)

Dear Cuddling Requirer,
I don't know what I was thinking when I handed over my number to you. Please don't call, I'd rather not try to come up with an excuse to avoid you.
Sincerely,
I'm not a floosy

Dear Confused,
I was re-reading journal entries the other night and remembering once upon a time when you made me crazy happy. I keep hearing stories about you, but I'm finally over you and have no desire for a relapse... so as harsh as this sounds, please don't ask me out. I'll always care about you though. Don't forget that.
Sincerely,
A piece of my heart will always be yours

Dear Adorkable Blonde,
We should hang out more. I feel comfortable around you. Plus you're a flirt and heaven knows I need more practice in that area.
Sincerely,
Thanks for making me smile

Dear Quietly Handsome,
I feel creeper when I'm around you because it's been a very long time since I've crushed on someone this hard. Your good looks and fantastic conversational skills don't help my condition.
Sincerely,
Please ask me out already

Dear Prince Charming,
What's keeping you?
Sincerely,
I'm trying to be patient

Why I Blog

Sometimes I go through and re-read old posts I've written. Usually just the funny ones so that I can remember fun experiences I've be blessed to have. Last night though I went through and read some that are kind of ambiguous. Ones from a specific time in my life. It amazes me that just reading those few paragraphs I wrote can bring back such vivid feelings and memories of what I was doing and how I felt. And reading those things put what my life is like now into a better perspective than I had before. I didn't necessarily liked what I discovered... but I'm grateful for it.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother to post things here for the world. Or why I bother to write in my journal every single night. But it's so worth it -- because I discover things about myself as I'm scribbling or typing. Some people write to feel connected, and that's definitely part of the appeal here --- but mostly I write so that I can discover myself. And so that I can remember.

Why do you write? And if you don't... why not?

Do you believe in coincidence?

They say hind-sight is 20/20. When I look back at my life I never cease to marvel how even small things wove themselves into the fabric of my story, and have made the tapestry take a beautiful, albeit extremely unexpected twist into a beautiful and elaborate design. And I look back, I realize how vital some random things were, and how other things that, at the time, I thought might be important, weren't half as important as I thought they were.

Last night my boss asked me a question about my personal life. He is like a big brother to me, we talk about a lot of things; he's helped me in many ways. But last night, those 4 little VERY unexpected words that came out of his mouth caused my heart to leap in a way that I haven't felt since.... well anyways.

And a good hour later, when we were still on the same subject (a subject which has to do with me and another person) --- he turned to me and said, "You know. I don't know what the crap is compelling me to talk to you about this."

Because he was talking to me about a ship that has already sailed in my life. A book that I had firmly closed. And while the conversation was fascinating, it's also been frustrating.... because it's made my heart remember things that I had forgotten. Things that were a relief to forget.

And so I sit and ask myself: is this conversation coincidence? Nothing more than a random walk down memory lane?

Or was something compelling him to ask because I need to think about it again?

It doesn't matter really, cause I won't know till later. And that's actually a relief in this case.

Just because I know it's good for me doesn't mean I want to do it

AKA: things may be too easy for you, and the chicken counting is stopping.

Because really. I think about things too much. Because sometimes when you are shoving a vacuum around in the wee hours of the morning, you have lots of time to think. And sometimes the thinking is productive. And sometimes it's just confusing and you come up with way more questions than you have answers. Actually, that second thing happens a LOT to me.

But then sometimes you talk to someone and they say something, and because you have figured out one of the questions, all of a sudden you see things more clearly. And then you feel happy because you know that your thinking session tomorrow morning will probably, and very hopefully, be much more productive and fulfilling. Or at least more interesting.

Also. Sometimes I wonder about chickens. Not real chickens silly goose. But yes. I wonder about chickens. And then sometimes when I come up with a good question, then the chicken wondering becomes appealing in an extremely different sort of way, because my pride steps in and takes over. Hostilly. (Yes I just made that word up.)

So yes. Hostile pride is halting the chickeney musings. I am less inclined than I was before. However.... this could potentially mean I will get a swift kick in the pants from a Heavenly source soon. Maybe. Either that or I just got smarter.

We'll see.

I think God likes to laugh at me.

In fact, I hope he does. Because I know I give him plenty of opportunities to chuckle.

This weekend I told him what was what. And then he chuckled, and I can just envision him shaking his head as he replied with something along the lines of: "If you really think you can fix it yourself go ahead darlin, but you aren't going to get anywhere but frustrated. Goofball. If you'd just be patient I told you I'll take care of it."

And then I smiled a sheepish smile and conceded that He's right.


Cause let's face it. He's always right.
And that my friends is a very very good thing.

Stupid Dream.

Yeah. You. Last night.

You showed up and made what would have been a glorious nights sleep a complete wreck. Why did you make it that way? Because you sorta asked, and I did something impulsive. Something that I hope I wouldn't do in real life.

And then you (yes... different you) showed up and got upset with me over the first you.

And then a few other yous showed up and I was supremely confused by what the crap you were all doing. Especially Dora. Dora you should not have two kids yet. Nor should you side with... that one person.

And then I wanted to cry because I thought I had waded through my thoughts on the you-ness-ish stuff. The "what would I do in this situation crap" - Yeah, I have it all figured out. Had it all figured out.

But if my dreams have anything to say about it apparently I didn't. Cause I did something irrational last night. And then I got yelled at for it.

Stupid dreams.

Hope vs Logic: Round 2

"I have a proposition." -Logic

"I usually don't like your propositions. You're bossy." -Hope

"Just listen ok? I think we should compromise." -Logic

"I'm listening." -Hope

"Let's tweak it. Let's act as if the slate is completely clean, build a castle of dreams, and then start fresh. I know it'll be rough for a bit, but I think this way will be best for everything, and we still get to believe." -Logic

"That's a sugar coated way of saying 'give up.'" -Hope

"So? Sugar is good." -Logic

"I know. And I think I like it. Surprisingly enough." -Hope

"Are you serious? You've been sticking to this one for ages." -Logic

"Yeah. Which is why I'm done. I'm done planning. Let's build a new castle." -Hope

"I think if we really start working together like this, we might actually get to experience what liberation feels like." -Logic

"I know. I think this will be good. Hard, most definitely. But good." -Hope

"YES!!! We start now." -Logic

"Ok. You're aware I may lose my resolve in a few days and revert back to my stubborn ways right?" -Hope

"I won't let you. This will be good. I know it will." -Logic

"Yeah, well you don't know anything really. But we'll try this anyways." -Hope

Hope vs Logic

"You're an idiot. What the crap are you doing to yourself?" -Logic

"Trust yourself. You were right before." -Hope

"No you weren't. You were stupid before. You didn't know anything before. You never formed solid conclusions, it was just a gut feeling that turned out lucky. This is big. You can't really afford to be wrong on this." -Logic

"Why the heck not?" -Hope

"Cause it'll hurt real bad if you are." -Logic

"You don't believe in coincidences. Cumon, just trust your instinct." -Hope

"How do you know we don't believe in coincidences?" -Logic

"You saw it. More important, you FELT it. Remember, we're just learning patience right now. It'll work out. Maybe even sooner than you think." -Hope

"Just cause it'll work out eventually doesn't mean I'm right." -Logic

"Doesn't mean you're wrong either. Remember last time? I know you remember. Plus, think of all those feelings you had. All those instincts. You know how to read people. You understand more than you think you do." -Hope

"But it'll hurt if I'm wrong. I'm scared to be wrong. More scared than I think I've ever been of anything. Maybe if I just admit I'm wrong now then it won't hurt so bad later." -Logic

"You can't give up. You know that won't work. We tried it before remember? It was a disaster when you tried that. Just believe that you are right. You know you need to believe this." -Hope

"Just cause it didn't work the first time doesn't mean I can't make it work. I'm tough remember?" -Logic

"No you aren't. You just tell yourself that. Plus, now you're getting off track. Just trust yourself ok. You need to give yourself more credit." -Hope

"What if I give myself that credit, and it does turn out that I'm wrong huh? Then what?" -Logic

"Then we learn, we'll start over. We'll do better next time." -Hope

"I hope this turns out. If not I'm going to beat you up. And cry all over you. And maybe scream a little bit. Actually, scratch the little part... " -Logic

"Fine. Trust me, it'll all work out. You're right. Just keep trusting." -Hope

Reprimand of Love

Today in institute we talked about righteous anger. We determined that rightous anger comes out of love, a desire to help someone improve. It never occurous out of the heat of the moment, and the Spirit always accompanies it. The Spirit is actually what gets to do the real reproving.

It reminded me that I was called to repentance yesterday by the Spirit. For something I didn't even really realize was a problem to be honest.

Saturday night I had a melt down. I think this was because I was extremely tired. Friday night and saturday morning were spent at a RS Retreat where I simply feasted on the Spirit; it was so strong. I've discovered that intense doses of the Spirit are exhausting on the body. Hence my state of tiredness. Because I was exhausted I was quiet, and reflective, and melacholy. And then my adorable and innocent roommate did and said some things that reminded me of a set of memories I have been trying to banish from my thoughts. These are not bad memories, they just generally tend to put me in a sad mood, and so I try to avoid them. Anyways, combine the memories leading to a state of melancholy with my extreme tiredness... and I found myself laying in bed and shaking while the tears just leaked out.

Then: Yesterday I had about a bazillion meetings. Ok... not quite that many, but let's just say I was doing church stuff for NINE STRAIGHT HOURS. And as I was sitting in a fireside in the course of my busy day, the sweet wife of President Whitsides started talking about how important it is to trust the Lord. I think the Stake President talked about it a bit to... and somewhere in the middle of something someone was saying, it hit me. The reason that I had a meltdown the previous night is because I haven't yet placed my complete confidence in my Lord. Actually, this is the reason that I've had a lot of mini-meltdowns over the past while. And I could feel the Spirit telling me that I need to fix that. It was a righteous reproach by a loving Heavenly Father, telling me that if I trusted him more then I wouldn't have to be sad as frequently.

I want to fix this. But I have to confess that I don't really know how. I can pray harder, or read my scripture more, or keep myself more busily engaged in the work the Lord has asked me to do right now; but I'm scared that even that won't work.

And I'm ashamed to admit, part of me doesn't really want to change, because I like being melancholy sometimes. My roommate tends to put her arms around me when I have my mini-meltdowns, or she brings me ice-cream, or she helps me do stupid activities so that I forget why I'm sad, or she just listens. And I like that. I like letting her patch me up.

I trust God. I know that he will make things in my life work out for the best. I've been telling myself that over and over. But more importantly, He's told me. In fact around 1 o'clock on saturday he told me that he would make everything I was worried about right.
And yet I still fret. And despite the fact that he told me he'd take care of me at 1pm, I still had a melt down at midnight... not even a full 12 hours later. And so the Spirit had to kick me in the middle of a lovely meeting and tell me that I need to knock it off.

Guess I'd better set to work....

Aha!

Do you ever have 'culminating moments' in your life? Your experiences, direction, lessons... your whole life -- all the seemingly random bits and pieces that have led you to where you are now somehow converge in your mind, and you temporarily glimpse a bigger scheme. God's hand becomes clear, and you KNOW that he has put you right where you need to be.

One of those moments... where it feels like the sun is breaking through the clouds. Or the hallelujah chorus should start playing. It feels so... BIG.

I had one of those moments last night. It was/is a huge blessing for me right now. That moment when confusion melted, and I was allowed to understand for a brief second. Mind you, I don't understand everything... not even close. But the understanding that Heavenly Father does have a plan for me and he is using me, that's really all I needed to get.

I know I'm probably not making any sense at all... so I'll just leave you with a promise to explain in greater detail later on ;)

Stepping into the Dark

I can't count the number of times that I have had conversations or lessons or discussions about taking 'leaps of faith.' I thought I understood the concept: if you trust God enough, then no matter what he asks you to do you will do it... even though it may be frightening and you may not understand why he is asking you to do it.

But I realized recently that understanding the concept is one thing, and applying it is something completely different.

When you realize that somewhere buried deep down inside, you do have that courage, and you take that difficult step into the dark... you will probably still be frightened. You may feel lost. You will strain your eyes and your spiritual senses will seem to stand still while they hope for a glimmer of direction. But when you take the step off the edge, and you realize that you trust God enough to follow his voice into the dark, something inside of you is set free, because you realize that your hand is being held by God.

It is so liberating to realize that it really doesn't matter to me if my path is illuminated, because I don't need to use my eyes when God is holding my hand.

Dream the Impossible Dream

I've been thinking lately... about wishes, and dreams. And I've been secretly building this new dream, one that looks fairly sketchy. It makes me happy to dream it, and scared that it won't come true. I've wondered if I should just kill it, or if I should just dream it anyways.

And then I remembered this great movie called "Secondhand Lions." Seen it? It's a very cute movie, and one of the main themes is that you choose what you want to believe in; just because something isn't true, realistic or even plausible does not mean you shouldn't believe it.

I'll bet most of us believe seemingly impossible things every day without realizing it. Impossible things regularly occur that we never stop to think about. Flowers bloom, people change, and because we get used to these small wonders we don't stop and think about how everything in life is miraculous.

So. I am going to choose to believe what I want. Even if other's may call it foolish, because God is over all. And because he is over all, and because I believe he wants me to be happy, I am going to feel free to dream big impossible dreams and believe in impossible miracles.

Decisions

So I've been thinking lately about lots of different things... and I've come to a couple interesting conclusions, and raised a lot of questions for myself.

1. I think way too much. This falls under the category of conclusions.

2. I'm a more complicated individual than I thought I was. (Also a conclusion.)

3. I really wish that I could understand people better.

4. If I could see the outcome of possible decisions and scenario's would I choose to view them before making a decision?? This should be an easy question... but it isn't for me.

5. I need to work on being more patient.

6. Is happiness just found in the little things? I'm leaning towards the conclusion that it's a combination of little AND big things....

7. I thought I knew what I needed to be happy... and I'm pretty sure I still do, but I'm not sure how to define what some of those things look like anymore.

8. What does a body (specifically me) truly NEED to be happy?

9. How much does getting what you really want help overall life satisfaction?

10. What if you really want one thing, and you know that you might need something different? Which one do you pick if you can only have one?

11. Is it easier to change what your head says or what your heart says?


... Like I said. I think too much.

Confessing to myself...

I love it when other people walk into your life and teach you something about yourself.

Last night I learned that I really am an unassuming person. I don't always think about things... and I don't quickly jump to solutions. Especially conclusions involving other people.

And do you want to know something else I learned about myself? I'm afraid, very afraid, of judging people wrongly. And I'm also very afraid, of what may happen if I erroneously act on an assumption.

I also learned that often I try way too hard to lie to myself. I figure if I deny something for long enough, it will go away. By ignoring it... or telling myself something else, I'll be able to talk myself out of feeling certain emotions. I'm so afraid of getting negative consequences, that I try to suppress the feelings and tell myself that they aren't there. Because if I can convince myself that they aren't there... then I won't end up feeling bad for an action I either took or failed to take.

I have a really cute friend. She got me to admit some things last night; some out loud, most just in my heart. Here goes some deep confessions/things I learned:

1. It's ok to try to create circumstances.

2. When you pray for something that feels silly, but means a lot to you, God gives you answers.

3. It's ok to be the first one to start a blunt conversation.

4. It's also ok to trust yourself.

5. I'm head over heels in love. Yes, I'm admitting it.

6. Being crazy about someone isn't a bad thing.

7. When you can finally admit something, out loud, something that you have been pretending doesn't exist... it feels so good!

8. No matter what you want, or what you feel is right... you have to trust in the Lord's timing and live by the Spirit.

So I want to say thank you to this friend, the one who was blunt and funny and completely honest. Thank you for teaching me about myself. Thanks for all my friends who teach me. Hopefully one day I can be like you.

I'm slipping.....

and not just on ice.

Which is plentiful up here... by the way.

So either it's gonna crunch soon... or....

*sigh*