Yup. Sometimes life is just like that.

I tried so hard today.

So hard.

For most of the last 12 hours I have been doing something church related. I have been trying to strengthen the kingdom. Take care of the saints, strengthen souls, build Zion, you know... all that good stuff.

And it was a wonderful day. Because the days when I am serving the Lord the most are always the most wonderful. Until I went back in my room, and my fish, my dear Zoe, was dead.

I know you are saying, "But Krystal, you only had Zoe for three days." But what you don't understand is, that I was sincerely attached to her. I introduced her to almost everyone that came over to my apartment. I've talked to her, and agonized over how much to feed her. And now she's gone.

I haven't taken her out of the bowl yet. She's still laying there because I know that when I have to take care of it I'm going to cry. I'm near unto tears just thinking about it.

Between that and all of the people who I've worried over today... I'm just emotionally exhausted. And I wanted to shake something and scream at how unfair life is. Instead tonight I looked up and asked God how much longer the little things were going to keep going wrong, and how the heck I am going to have the strength to deal with them -- if my goldfish dying reduces me to tears than what am I going to do when the rest of my life falls apart later?

And I realized that it's never going to get easier. In fact, I know it's just going to get harder. But that's ok. Because I'm on the winning team. Christ is on my side, and he'll help me find joy - he already does. I can't expect things to be easy for me, because they never were easy for him. And plus, every day I have the chance to laugh and marvel at something good he has placed in my life. He loves me so much.

And as I long as I keep that in mind everything else will be fine.

This is Zoe

Isn't she pretty? She's a golden fantail -- and she's now my friend who lives on my dresser. I am happy to report that we both successfully survived the trip from wal-mart to my apartment this afternoon with little to no trauma.

It took me a while to pick out a name, but I think this one fits well. And of course, I knew you all would want to see her too, so I told her that it was time for a photo-shoot. She was camera shy for a while, but when she realized I wasn't giving up she finally held still.

I'm so extremely excited about her. And now I have one more thing crossed off my 101 list!

Last Wednesday we had an adventure.

We hopped in the car right after school and headed to Mapleton for the evening. Sharlee, Jacob, Dora and I were all so excited for Sharlee's mission call. We had a nice car ride home, and experienced lots of hugs and excitement all around when we learned she was going to CAMBODIA! Cool huh?

Look how happy she was about the whole thing!

And then we went and surprise visited my family, which was also tons of fun. After a scanty twoish hours in dear old Mapleton, we hopped back in the car to cruise right on home.

Only, in case you didn't know... sometimes it snows in Utah.
And sometimes that snow makes it really difficult to drive.
And sometimes when it's dark, and cold and windy and scary you realize that you aren't going to make it home that night.

So we had a sleepover! My Aunt and Uncle put us up for the night. They were so sweet to us. None of us had really anything because we weren't planning on an overnight trip. And it was a great adventure.

Go Sharlee! And thanks for the fun adventure.

Oh. And aren't they cute together? Hehehe.

Stupid Dream.

Yeah. You. Last night.

You showed up and made what would have been a glorious nights sleep a complete wreck. Why did you make it that way? Because you sorta asked, and I did something impulsive. Something that I hope I wouldn't do in real life.

And then you (yes... different you) showed up and got upset with me over the first you.

And then a few other yous showed up and I was supremely confused by what the crap you were all doing. Especially Dora. Dora you should not have two kids yet. Nor should you side with... that one person.

And then I wanted to cry because I thought I had waded through my thoughts on the you-ness-ish stuff. The "what would I do in this situation crap" - Yeah, I have it all figured out. Had it all figured out.

But if my dreams have anything to say about it apparently I didn't. Cause I did something irrational last night. And then I got yelled at for it.

Stupid dreams.

All I really want... is to know what the crap I really want.

I'm torn between the possibility of a few improbable futures.

Why are they improbable? Because life never turns out how you plan.

Why am I torn? Because right now there are a few different directions I can envision my life taking. And I don't know which ones I like... or if I really truly like any of them, and it's frustrating.

I'm used to knowing what I want. Not necessarily getting it, but I usually have some semblance of an idea about what I want. A secret dream, if you will. And I like that. I like being able to daydream occasionally about the future. And as I said once in an uncharacteristic burst of somethingness: 'I know life doesn't turn out the way you plan, but that doesn't mean it can't turn out the way you always dreamed.'

- And it was a lovely thought to ponder on. BUT, it's awfully hard to wish for your life to turn out how you dream if you don't really know what your dream is. Or if you have a dream, but don't feel a super ton of conviction about it.

Ach. This probably doesn't make any sense to you. That's fine. Mostly I'm just saying: some of my dreams are changing. But I'm not sure what they are changing into, and I really wish I knew. I think that maybe God is trying to help me learn trust. After all, he knows what's going to make me happy, even if I don't... so I just have to keep reminding myself that as long as I listen to Him then life will turn out splendidly.

Seeing as it's the day after Valentines day...

I'd like to share with you two of my favorite quotes concerning love.

“ Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”
- Captain Corelli's Mandolin6. "Love is the beauty of the soul." --St. Augustine

and...

“We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” -Unknown


They're both just so true :)

Girls like these....

This morning in ward council the STAKE PRESIDENT got up and said, of the three girls sitting in the room (of which I was one), that he wasn't sure why we were there, seeing as in his opinion, we should have already been hanging on the arm of a guy who'd taken us to the temple.

He then proceeded to tell the Elder's in the room what 'girls like these' (as he stood behind us) look for in a future husband.

It felt a little bit like I was a 'sort of' bribe for the gentlemen in the room. It was kinda flattering, and kinda awkward, all at the same time.

Twitterpation is in the air

The online urban dictionary defines twitterpated as: "an enjoyable disorder characterized by feelings of excitement, anticipation, high hopes, recent memories of interludes, giddiness, and physical overstimulation which occur simultaneously when experiencing a new love. These feelings take over without warning, usually at odd times (such as at a check-out line), with or without the partner present, and make it difficult to concentrate on anything but romance. They interfere with work and safe driving, but should be experienced at least once in every person's lifetime."

Fabulous definition right?

Lately it seems that everyone (excepting for myself of course) has caught this bug. And in a way I'm supremely glad that I don't have to deal with it... but in another way I'm kind of jealous. Only slightly though. It's kinda fun to be able to walk into a room and see them sitting there, grinning like a fool as they go about whatever task they happen to be engaged in. The teasing that is associated with twitterpation is a lot of fun too. But I don't envy the stress and worry that comes with it. At all.

Also: being a third wheel can get old quick. And being a 5th wheel is about eight and a half times worse than being a 3rd wheel.

But golly, spring is coming, and I can tell. It's great :)

Heavenly Kisses

There is something extraordinarily wonderful about the moment when a snowflake lands on the very tip of ones nose. On the rare occasion it happens, I feel as if Heaven has just given me a kiss, and a divine whispering states: "I know exactly where you are Miss Krystal." And then I can marvel at how good the Lord is at steering snowflakes. Especially on evenings like tonight, when it was barely snowing to begin with.

There are so many beautiful things in this world to marvel at, and so many tender mercies... Snowflake kisses are just one of them. Some of my other favorites include: laughter, back massages, sunsets over the mountains, mittens, friends, big balls of snow shoved in your mouth, family, the smell of laundry detergent, teasing, overly large sweatshirts, rosy cheeks.... 'Raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens... bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with strings, these are a few of my favorite things!'

Oh man, Julie Andrews definitely had it right with that song.

What are a few of your favorite things?

Plans

So you know how most girls dream about their wedding? They plan it, pick out color schemes, and try to figure out what type of dress they'd like. And really, it's kinda fun sometimes.

However, I have a confession. I'm not exactly like other girls... I'd rather plan my funeral than my wedding.

Yup. My funeral. There are going to be daisies. Lots and lots of yellow daisies. And I'd like white ones too. Also: There will be balloons. Yellow balloons. And other colors are fine too. But mostly yellow ones. And while everyone is standing at my graveside they could release them into the air if they'd like...

or they can take them home and suck the helium out. Either way.

I want a star-shaped headstone. Cause really, all the headstones in the cemetery are square and it makes it awfully hard to find whoever it is you are looking for. If mine is shaped like a star it will be so much easier for my kids and grandkids to find me. OR! They could pick out a lightning bolt shaped one and inscribe it with the words: 'she was struck down for being irreverent.' Just kidding. I'd like the star... and if a simple star one is too expensive, that's fine. Just get a big rock and paint a star on the top or something. As long as you can find me with relative ease I'll be happy with it. (FYI: a heart shaped one would be a giant no-no.)

At my funeral service... I'd prefer there not be a pulpit. Instead, after an opening song and prayer, I'd like someone to sing "Oh My Father." That way those people who want to cry can get it out. And then I'd like everyone who feels so inclined to stand up and say their favorite memory of me. They should keep it short and sweet, and I hope some of them say silly things. I'd like it if people were chuckling throughout. Then after no more than an hour of that, they could all eat dessert. Doesn't that sound lovely?

So yeah. I'm warped. But I'm fine with it.

Oh, and if you think I'm going to write my own obituary you can dream on. I'm not that warped.