To be bold, or not to be bold?

I have a confession, and it's not going to be a surprising one.

I am super insecure when it comes to dating. 

Surprise! Not. 

Yes. I am SUPER insecure. Because although I know generally that I'm a decent individual, I just don't really believe deep down that anyone will ever choose me. I could psychoanalyze why, but tonight is just not the night for that. 

Also. I tend to fall rather slowly and steadily. For boys that I have no idea if I have a chance with. Who are probably not interested in a girl like me. Who I secretly feel are a bit out of my league. And this leads to a LOT of internal conflict. 

Example: Yesterday after church I invited a gentleman (who currently doesn't know that he could easily sweep me off my feet if he chose to) to sit by me at the linger longer our ward had. And we talked, and I fell a little more, and our conversation, to an outside observer, would have just been friendly, not even overly flirty or anything, just a nice chat. But on the inside. OH on the inside...  for me... it was like a little war. 

Because every time there was a slight pause in the conversation part of me said: "And now you should definitely NOT be a massive CHICKEN and just ask this kid when/if he is going to take you on a date. LIKE NOW. NOW IS GOOD." And then the other part of me responded: "No, um, no, NOW is actually NOT a good time. He's not even being very flirty and you don't have a clue if he'd even appreciate the sentiment. NOW there are other people around.  Right NOW you should be patient. Yes. Patience is good. You aren't good at patience. NOW he's saying something else and you should really listen." *tune back in and give him full listening ears until next lull when the conversation will repeat*

And because I saw that stud of a man later that evening, and had even better conversations, and melted all over on the inside when he complimented my eyes... my internal battle continued. And escalated. And... and....

And I don't know how chagrined I ought to be that I listened to the 2nd voice. 

Hm. 

Point. Oh yes. Maybe I should get to the point. Because of this nice little internal battle, I wound up asking a few gentlemen if it was attractive or a turn off when a girl is bold. Bold like: "Hey! You are great and should ask me out!" type of bold. And was a little surprised when the general consensus seemed to be that a bold girl who makes it known that she likes you is actually very attractive to most gentlemen... 

So now I think I need lessons. Or something. 

Confidence boost? Yeah. That would probably really help...

Dating... bleh!

Role play anyone? 

Haha. 

Read at your own risk....

This post is going to be frivolous and silly. You have been warned.

Confession: one of my favorite chick flicks of all time is 'While you were sleeping' - with Sandra Bullock. She plays a ticket booth operator named Lucy who looks forward every day to seeing this particular man come through to catch his train. She has their entire life together planned out, despite not knowing anything about him - including his name. Then the plot thickens and she saves his life and falls in the love with his brother while he's in a coma... yada yada.

Point is. None of us really want to admit we're so pathetic that we actually do that. But I think secretly, to some degree, every girl with no prospects just can't help herself sometimes. So here is my real confession - I definitely fell in love with a total stranger this week.

I work in the temple Thursday afternoons (which is so wonderful I could go on and on and on about it for a very long time) - and when you are a temple worker you float around from job to job, and mostly you don't have contact with workers of the opposite gender. And when you do have contact with them, it's when you are glancing peeks  while you walk past to go help with veils or when you are both helping a patron... but you don't have any real chances to converse with one another. Sort of like our Lucy in the previously discussed film.

Now in my shift, there are quite a few men with varying degrees of attractiveness... but none that had really caught my eye. Then it happened. I was helping a woman at the veil and I looked up and saw him. I mean... I'd seen him before from a distance and thought he looked nice... but not to really particularly notice him... but this time I saw his eyes. And he was looking right at me, and I realized I was supposed to say something in my role as a worker, but he kind of half smiled and it was all I could do to not melt into a puddle of total incoherentness. THAT would have been embarrassing... let me tell you. And then, a moment later (while helping the same person) he reached up his arm and accidentally hit me in the nose... and then it was even harder not to laugh when we made eye contact again.

I don't know his name. Or how old he is. Or where he is from. Or really anything about him... except that he has amazing eyes.... that make it difficult to concentrate when they are looking at me... he has a soothing voice... and he doesn't have a ring on his hand... (I know. I got a look at it after it hit me in the face.)

So now I'm secretly beginning to plan out our life together. Ok... not really our whole life... but my fingers are crossed that the stars will align and one day I'll learn his name...

*sigh. Maybe I'll save his life and fall in in love with his brother... NOT. Haha. I'm not that pathetic ok??

If you just wasted your time reading that it's your own fault. I did warn you... ;)

The Hard Way Out

Does anyone else ever find themselves taking the hard way out just to prove that they can? It seems so silly - but I seem to do it far too frequently...

Luckily I have good friends and family members who feel comfortable enough to tell me I'm an idiot and to change what I'm doing.

Like this week when I turned down an interview for what was kind of my dream job because I already told another school I'd work for them. My co-teacher, when she found out what I'd done, demanded that I call them back as soon as possible and reschedule the interview. She reminded me that I haven't signed anything yet, and I can still take another job if I choose to. It's my life, I need to do what will make me happy - not just whatever was the 1st thing to come along. So now I have 2 interviews scheduled for resource positions at junior highs in Salt Lake, super close to where my Grandparents live, and I'm stoked. And I wouldn't have done it if it weren't for my co-teacher telling me not to be an idiot.

This whole thing made me think about my life in general. And I began to wonder how often I choose the difficult way out instead of the nice way. As if I've something to prove to the world - that I can take on anything. This is so stupid of me, I know that life is going to be hard enough without me making it worse for myself...

Do you ever do this or is it just me?

I may or may not be a masochist...

because sometimes I do things not because I particularly like it, but because I find a vindictive pleasure in proving to myself that I can. Donating blood is one such thing.

Friday evening I was with Anna and Emma having a China reunion of sorts, and Emma announced that she had a blood donation appointment - it was going to be her first one. So Anna and I decided to go with her and donate too. Because we've been out of the country in the last year they have to document everywhere we traveled to. After nearly an hour they got all the places we visited in China finally mapped out and documented. Anna and I were climbing into the chairs to get prepped, when the guy documenting Emma's travelogue came running out to stop us loudly proclaiming "That changes everything!"

Emma had just told him that we stopped in Korea. And apparently Korea is a malaria risk area. And because we spent about 5 hours in that airport we can't donate blood for a whole year. This kind of really irritated me. And I'm not quite sure why...

I have never enjoyed donating blood. I get dizzy and sometimes nauseous and the nurses freak out and make me stay in the chair for a half hour... see THIS post if you want to relearn about what my blood donating experiences are generally like. So why on earth would I feel so upset about them telling me that I cannot donate for a whole year? Shouldn't I feel relieved? 

The only logical explanation I can come up with is that I am indeed a masochist.

Foolish Pride

Sometimes I feel simultaneously as if I'm too old and too young. Like an awkward teenager during her growth spurt. All of a sudden my body is big. All of a sudden I can reach things and go places and have privileges I've never had before.... and I start to think I'm pretty hot stuff. People are kind and tell me nice things about yours truly. I let it go to my head.... and I start to think that I can conquer the world all by myself.

And then in one moment, I trip. And as I lay on the metaphorical sidewalk assessing my minor bruises (that don't feel so minor in the moment) --- I realize that I'm still a little girl.  And my pompous and rather foolish prideful behavior and attitudes are really just a mask for the child inside who is trying to prove something that she shouldn't need to and (quite frankly) can't prove. 

I am such a hypocrite. 

I could sit here and tell you all the blasted reasons that I have which compel me to try to prove I can be completely independent..... I could show you the countless times I've spurned help, or barely accepted it and only because I've consoled myself by thinking that I'm 'allowing' the other person to give service.... and then I'll turn around and tell everyone with conviction that God put us here to help each other, and that no one can make it by his or herself. I'll sit up at night wishing that the world wasn't 'leaving me behind' --- and then I'll get up in the morning and do everything I can to convince myself and the world that I want to be left behind.

So I guess this post is a confession. And an apology. Mostly to God, but also to all the people have been hurt by my pride. Myself included. I've been a coward. 

Luckily God is good at humbling the proud. And I will try to do better. You'll probably need to be patient with me though, because for me it's going to be a very long road, and a very uphill battle.... 

Cuddle Withdrawals

Confession:

A few months ago I found myself waking up every single morning in the exact same position. During the night I would scrunch up against the wall... with my entire back pressed firmly against it. I would then take my pillow and pull it up in front of me and hug it to my chest - making a nice Krystal sandwich --

The first time I woke up in this position I thought to myself: "Hmm. That's kinda weird."

The second time I woke up in this position I thought: "Wow. Two nights in a row."

A few days later when I was still waking up in the EXACT same position every morning I decided to vent to Dora about how crazy I was. Her only comment was, "Well, maybe you are having cuddle withdrawals and the only thing you got is the wall."

I think I slugged her before I told her she could shut it.

But you know what? I think that cuddle withdrawal syndrome really does exist. I am happy to report that I got over mine fairly quickly. I no longer cuddle with the wall at night. And luckily my syndrome was not so bad. For me, three weeks or so of cuddling with the wall was adequate to get me through my withdrawals.

I have started to notice some behaviors in a friend though, and I think he may have the same syndrome. Only I suspect he has it worse than I ever did. And I don't think he's discovered the wall yet... because he put his head on my shoulder and put his arm around me twice all in one night - and neither of us are what I would classify as 'touchy' kinds people. Don't get me wrong: he's a wonderful guy and we're great friends, I just never ever expected him to act that way.

Maybe I should write him a prescription for the wall. Hehe. If I didn't think that there could potentially be negative repercussions from it I totally would.

So yeah. How did you conquer your cuddle withdrawals? Hehe.

Plans

So you know how most girls dream about their wedding? They plan it, pick out color schemes, and try to figure out what type of dress they'd like. And really, it's kinda fun sometimes.

However, I have a confession. I'm not exactly like other girls... I'd rather plan my funeral than my wedding.

Yup. My funeral. There are going to be daisies. Lots and lots of yellow daisies. And I'd like white ones too. Also: There will be balloons. Yellow balloons. And other colors are fine too. But mostly yellow ones. And while everyone is standing at my graveside they could release them into the air if they'd like...

or they can take them home and suck the helium out. Either way.

I want a star-shaped headstone. Cause really, all the headstones in the cemetery are square and it makes it awfully hard to find whoever it is you are looking for. If mine is shaped like a star it will be so much easier for my kids and grandkids to find me. OR! They could pick out a lightning bolt shaped one and inscribe it with the words: 'she was struck down for being irreverent.' Just kidding. I'd like the star... and if a simple star one is too expensive, that's fine. Just get a big rock and paint a star on the top or something. As long as you can find me with relative ease I'll be happy with it. (FYI: a heart shaped one would be a giant no-no.)

At my funeral service... I'd prefer there not be a pulpit. Instead, after an opening song and prayer, I'd like someone to sing "Oh My Father." That way those people who want to cry can get it out. And then I'd like everyone who feels so inclined to stand up and say their favorite memory of me. They should keep it short and sweet, and I hope some of them say silly things. I'd like it if people were chuckling throughout. Then after no more than an hour of that, they could all eat dessert. Doesn't that sound lovely?

So yeah. I'm warped. But I'm fine with it.

Oh, and if you think I'm going to write my own obituary you can dream on. I'm not that warped.

Why I am Scary

Ok. So there have been a number of people in my life, mainly gentlemen, who have told me that I am intimidating/scary. Only none of them ever tell me why, and I have not been able to understand it. Last night I was talking to my arch-nemesis, and he mentioned again that I was scary. He says this a lot, and I asked him why he thought that. He couldn't tell me... but he could tell that it bothered me that people have said that to me and no one can explain it.

Then last night before going to bed I checked my e-mail, and there was a letter in my inbox from him. The subject line stated: "Why you are scary."

With my curiousity aroused and a feeling of nervousness in my middle I opened the e-mail, and this is what I read:

I figured it out. I was trying to sleep and my brain was doing that funny "process everything that happened today" thing and *bing* I figured out why you are scary. Its the same reason my trainer was freaking annoying sometimes.

Its motives, and yours never seem transparent.

Like sometimes I can figure out what the crap people want out of me. But with you its like I never really know. I have no idea. You feel like you are always pushing for something (and maybe you are and maybe you aren't) but you refuse to let on to what the crap it is. It almost feels like you don't think you have control unless the other person doesn't have any clue what you are doing. That is why you are scary. Its because its hard to tell what you really want.

That is how I feel, but that is just me.

Umm, you are still a really nice person. I know this. I don't doubt your motives are good most the time. Just because I said what I saw doesn't mean I saw correctly, just that that's the way you feel to me.

Have a nice day.


And when I finished reading it, I sat there in a mild state of surprise and shock, because he just taught me something about myself. Something that I'm not sure I like.

He hit the nail on the head when he said "It almost feels like you don't think you have control unless the other person doesn't have any clue what you are doing." Because I usually don't like it when other people 'figure me out.' I don't like it when someone else knows exactly what I want. Mostly because I have such a hard time making up my mind. And when I do make it up, usually I wish that I could control what I want and change it. I want to want what I think I should want, instead of just wanting what I want. (Hopefully that makes some semblance of sense.)
Also -- I HATE feeling like other people feel pity for me.
For instance: If I admit something means a lot to me, and then I don't get it, then people pity me... and I don't want them to do that. I'd rather pretend that I'm always ok and just be silently disappointed. Or try to convince myself that I never really wanted it anyways. Cause disappointment is easier to deal with that way. It's so much easier to just convince myself that I'm going to be ok than it is to convince everyone else too.
Also: if I figure out what I want, then I feel an obligation to fight for it. If I admit to myself something means a lot to me, then I will fight for it. Therefore: I am super careful about what I work for, because I don't have the energy to fight for everything.

So I think the reason Mr. Arch-Nemesis told me that I'm scary because my motives are blurry is because sometimes when I am interacting with someone I find myself acting as if I want one thing; but I don't want to want that... so I change my word choice, or actions, or thoughts mid-sentence or mid-conversation so that they line up with what I wish I wanted. Or what I think I want. Or what I want but just temporarily forgot I want... and then this probably is confusing to whomever I'm talking to. 'Cause I do it lots in some conversations.

Ok now I'm just rambling. Because this is profound, and I'm discovering this part of myself that I've never thought about before... but I haven't completely figured it out yet.

And now dear people who are sweet enough to bother to read this silly little blog of mine: What do you think about all this? Am I scary? Why or why not?

Faking it....

I frequently explain to people that my motto in life is "Fake it till you make it."

I love this motto, and so far it has worked really well for me. Basically I figure if I fake something long enough, then eventually it becomes a reality. Like: can fake being smart until I am. Or I can fake being tough until I become that way.

I have this image in my mind. It's a picture of me, only it's not me yet. It's an image of a perfect Krystal. A Krystal who loves everyone; who finds and brings out the best in them. Who is kind and strong and good. A Krystal who knows how to listen to the Spirit, and who knows what to say to make someone else's day better. She's forgiving and charitable. She's constantly engaged in good works and service. She's a Krystal who always gives good advice, and who understands people. She is talented and educated and obedient to God's commandments; a Krystal who reflects the light of Christ in her eyes. She laughs everyday; she sings and hums and skips and spends time finding the tender mercies and silver linings of life. She is organized, and thoughtful. She is confident and graceful and self-assured. She's who I want to be.

But she isn't real yet.

I pretend really hard that I am her. I pretend really hard that I don't care about some things and that I care desperately about others. I fake and fake and fake, and then sometimes I stop. Temporarily. When I am alone I allow myself to stop because I am tired of fighting so hard. I pause because faith is hard. I stop because I am terrified to go on. I'm terrified that I won't become perfect Krystal.

The Krystal of the present is not graceful. She falls a lot. She isn't always obedient, and she isn't always kind. Her faith is lacking, and her life disorganized. She's not self-assured, and she has to work to find silver linings and laughter sometimes. She feels lonely a lot. She has a hard time accepting help. She is ignorant, selfish and petty. She's weak. She also has a very hard time forgiving herself for being so weak.

Sometimes I wish that I didn't have to pretend so hard, But I'm going to keep faking it. I'm going to become perfect Krystal one day. And knowing that I can do it with the help of the Lord is really empowering.

So here's to faking my way into perfection. Sometimes people tell me how they admire me for a specific trait, and I think in my head, "haha, I sure have them fooled." And then I get excited because I realize that I am becoming something better than I am. Faking it is starting to work for that particular trait. I'm grateful when people point out what they percieve as strengths because it helps me to know that I'm actually getting somewhere on my path to being 'perfect Krystal.'

Unfortunately, I've started to realize that there are some things that I can't seem to change, no matter how much I fake. These are usually emotions. I can't fake my way out of loneliness. I cannnot pretend that I've given up some dreams when I haven't. Only time and the Lord can change them, and he is teaching me patience as I sit and wait for his will for me to be realized. As I've started to realize that there are some things I can't fake my way out of, I've noticed a flaw in my image of perfect Krystal. Perfect Krystal has everything figured out. She understands everything. I need to let go of this part of her, because God is the ONLY one who understands everything. I can fake my way into a lot of things. I can fake my way into being kind and confident and educated. I cannot fake my way into knowing everything, and I think instead of wishing that I could understand everything, I instead need to fake my way into always being happy and excited about the Lord's plan for me.

I'm sorry. This is long and probably full of tangents, but I needed to write until I understood the misconception that I had in my head. The one about perfect Krystal knowing everything. As I've typed I've been able to sort through my head and figure out that I shouldn't want to understand everything: because first off, I need to have more faith. And secondly, life would be a lot more boring if I did understand everything.

Reprimand of Love

Today in institute we talked about righteous anger. We determined that rightous anger comes out of love, a desire to help someone improve. It never occurous out of the heat of the moment, and the Spirit always accompanies it. The Spirit is actually what gets to do the real reproving.

It reminded me that I was called to repentance yesterday by the Spirit. For something I didn't even really realize was a problem to be honest.

Saturday night I had a melt down. I think this was because I was extremely tired. Friday night and saturday morning were spent at a RS Retreat where I simply feasted on the Spirit; it was so strong. I've discovered that intense doses of the Spirit are exhausting on the body. Hence my state of tiredness. Because I was exhausted I was quiet, and reflective, and melacholy. And then my adorable and innocent roommate did and said some things that reminded me of a set of memories I have been trying to banish from my thoughts. These are not bad memories, they just generally tend to put me in a sad mood, and so I try to avoid them. Anyways, combine the memories leading to a state of melancholy with my extreme tiredness... and I found myself laying in bed and shaking while the tears just leaked out.

Then: Yesterday I had about a bazillion meetings. Ok... not quite that many, but let's just say I was doing church stuff for NINE STRAIGHT HOURS. And as I was sitting in a fireside in the course of my busy day, the sweet wife of President Whitsides started talking about how important it is to trust the Lord. I think the Stake President talked about it a bit to... and somewhere in the middle of something someone was saying, it hit me. The reason that I had a meltdown the previous night is because I haven't yet placed my complete confidence in my Lord. Actually, this is the reason that I've had a lot of mini-meltdowns over the past while. And I could feel the Spirit telling me that I need to fix that. It was a righteous reproach by a loving Heavenly Father, telling me that if I trusted him more then I wouldn't have to be sad as frequently.

I want to fix this. But I have to confess that I don't really know how. I can pray harder, or read my scripture more, or keep myself more busily engaged in the work the Lord has asked me to do right now; but I'm scared that even that won't work.

And I'm ashamed to admit, part of me doesn't really want to change, because I like being melancholy sometimes. My roommate tends to put her arms around me when I have my mini-meltdowns, or she brings me ice-cream, or she helps me do stupid activities so that I forget why I'm sad, or she just listens. And I like that. I like letting her patch me up.

I trust God. I know that he will make things in my life work out for the best. I've been telling myself that over and over. But more importantly, He's told me. In fact around 1 o'clock on saturday he told me that he would make everything I was worried about right.
And yet I still fret. And despite the fact that he told me he'd take care of me at 1pm, I still had a melt down at midnight... not even a full 12 hours later. And so the Spirit had to kick me in the middle of a lovely meeting and tell me that I need to knock it off.

Guess I'd better set to work....

Add 4 Ounces of Humility....

I'm not sure why, but for the last few days I've felt a bit melancholy. I think it's in part because there are a few people that I really miss spending time with... and I wish I could stop thinking about them... but... *sigh.* Anyways.

There is a bigger reason for my feelings though: I've realized that the Lord trusts me way too much. I accepted a calling tuesday -- and technically I'm not supposed to say what it is until after I'm sustained tomorrow. But seeing as no one will be reading my blog tonight probably, I don't feel too bad giving a hint: think of the worst possible scenario. Yup. That's right. That's me. And I actually said I'd do it. Meh.

My last post I talked about how I was grateful to be able to see the Lord's hand leading my life. And I meant every word -- but I am really wishing that he didn't trust me quite so much. I'm definitely not good enough for this. Not even close. I know, I know -- I've just got to trust him and follow the Spirit and he'll magnify me if I do my very best. Ok... yeah, I KNOW it'll work out. But knowing that isn't going to stop me from feeling inadequate.

I've realized that I've been way too selfish in my life for the past while. And I mean WAY too selfish. Therefore: now it's time to quit thinking about myself. I think that's what he's going to teach me next. In fact, I can almost hear him saying, "Haha kiddo... You're kinda proud and selfish, so let's line you up for the humility and service lessons next. Good luck!" I know I need to stop focusing on what I need and what I want and how to get it; I need to start focusing on other people, what the Lord wants me to do and how to serve.

Unfortunately knowing that is the easy part -- doing it is the rough part.

So: say a little prayer for me will ya? I need all the help I can get.

Confessing to myself...

I love it when other people walk into your life and teach you something about yourself.

Last night I learned that I really am an unassuming person. I don't always think about things... and I don't quickly jump to solutions. Especially conclusions involving other people.

And do you want to know something else I learned about myself? I'm afraid, very afraid, of judging people wrongly. And I'm also very afraid, of what may happen if I erroneously act on an assumption.

I also learned that often I try way too hard to lie to myself. I figure if I deny something for long enough, it will go away. By ignoring it... or telling myself something else, I'll be able to talk myself out of feeling certain emotions. I'm so afraid of getting negative consequences, that I try to suppress the feelings and tell myself that they aren't there. Because if I can convince myself that they aren't there... then I won't end up feeling bad for an action I either took or failed to take.

I have a really cute friend. She got me to admit some things last night; some out loud, most just in my heart. Here goes some deep confessions/things I learned:

1. It's ok to try to create circumstances.

2. When you pray for something that feels silly, but means a lot to you, God gives you answers.

3. It's ok to be the first one to start a blunt conversation.

4. It's also ok to trust yourself.

5. I'm head over heels in love. Yes, I'm admitting it.

6. Being crazy about someone isn't a bad thing.

7. When you can finally admit something, out loud, something that you have been pretending doesn't exist... it feels so good!

8. No matter what you want, or what you feel is right... you have to trust in the Lord's timing and live by the Spirit.

So I want to say thank you to this friend, the one who was blunt and funny and completely honest. Thank you for teaching me about myself. Thanks for all my friends who teach me. Hopefully one day I can be like you.

Broken Trust

I think I trust people too much.

I trust them not to forget me.

I trust them not to let me down.

I trust them to care about me.

I trust them to use their brains to act sensibly.

I trust them to ask me for help when they need it.

I trust them to laugh with me, and be my friend.

Mostly I trust them to be completely honest with me, because I try to be that way with everyone else.

And some of them keep the trust admirably... but it seems that for everyone who keeps it, there is another who breaks it. It hurts when they do, and makes me not want to trust anyone again.

You were talking about me?

It always catches me off guard when I find out that people I know were talking about me while I wasn't there. Mostly because I really don't think of myself as interesting enough to mention in casual conversation.

Unless it's my Mom talking of course... then I just expect it ;)

It doesn't matter who it was talking about me. Boys, girls, good friends, people who I don't know so well...

It's disconcerting at first, and it kind of puts me on edge. Until I find out that they were saying something nice about me... and then this thrill goes through me.

And it makes me all happy and smiley on the inside. :) I guess I am silly. Hehe

Under Lock and Key

Do you ever lock your dreams away inside of you? You take a dream, not an ordinary dream, but a dream that is so special to you it's almost sacred, and you put it in a box, shut and lock the box, and then you tell yourself that you aren't wishing for it anymore-

-but you are sorta lying to yourself.

Because you are still wishing for it, but because the dream is so fragile, and you want it so deeply, you pack it away and convince yourself that if it never comes true it will be just fine. It won't hurt when it doesn't come true because it is packed away in a corner, and you'll leave it there to gather dust, like a trunk in a musty attic.

However, secretly you are wishing and planning and hoping- if by some miracle the dream starts to look like a possiblity, then you'll climb into the attic, find the box, bring it back out, dust it off, unlock it, pull out your dream, and set it free. And when it is free and can finally come true- that's the day you'll allow yourself to really believe in fairytales. That's the day when you'll realize that it's ok to have fantastic hopes, because that'll be the day you'll realize that sometimes wishes do come true- even when they look completely impossible for the time being. That's the day you'll understand that you should treasure hope...

So here's to hoping that I get to climb into my attic in the future, because for now, I'm putting a very special dream up there under lock and key.

Barriers

I am a builder- and my specialty is walls. In fact, I'm so good at building them, that at my best I can rival the great wall of China. Sadly enough, my work will never be made famous, because my walls are invisible.

Yes, I am very adept at building mental and emotional walls. So good in fact, that I don't even know that I'm building them- until one day I step back and realize that I've trapped myself - trapped myself beneath a bundle of fears and hopes --- this prison is concrete; I cannot break it down. I've been clawing at it for 3 months. Beating at it- sometimes wholeheartedly, sometimes only halfheartedly- but it's still there. Some days I find myself adding to it- and when I realize that I have moved yet another stone into place, I become angry with myself and try to undo my work; only I can't move the stones out of my wall by myself- and those who could help me to move them don't have any idea that I need help.

This wall I have built- it is a blessing and a curse. It keeps me safe from hurt, but it also keeps me hidden from love. I know that if I told the individual who is built into the foundation of my wall what I was building, he could shake and and send it crashing down around me. This would bring two possible outcomes - If I let that someone help me destroy the wall I would either: get crushed in the tumble, or learn what it feels like to be free.

I'm sure any who are reading this are probably thinking "That Krystal girl is completely insane! What the crap is she talking about?" Maybe a few of you know what I feel like- maybe you've got a wall or two of your own.

Maybe one day I'll get the courage to ask for help rocking the foundation of my wall; maybe one day I'll find a jackhammer and beat it down myself; maybe one day prince charming will unlock the secret door in the wall and rescue me from it.

Maybe one day I'll be free.

"Does this make any sense?" "Not really, but that's common after a head injury"

I read a quote tonight, it said "Better to be hated for what you are, than loved for what you aren't." Which I guess is a fancy way of saying that you should be yourself no matter what the consequenes are.

I had a very much needed discussion with my roommate and dear friend tonight. I guess I come across as mothering, although I don't do it on purpose, and it's something that's been wearing on her for a long time. So I guess I need to quit asking her questions, start telling her more stuff about me, let her start to see more of my faults, and I'm not sure what else to help her feel like I'm not judging her. It's started me thinking about how I come across to other people....

I think I sometimes come across as 'more holier than you.' Which may derive from the fact that I am kind of a goody-two-shoes, not on purpose, but a lot of those outside mannerisms are just who I am. I actually really enjoy ward activities, I love to give serivce, and I'm just a freakish nerd about that kind of stuff. I didn't sluff class in high school, not because it wouldn't have occasionally been fun, but becuse I enjoy doing things thoroughly, and it's taken me a while to relax my perfectionist tendencies. Other people probably look at this and think... 'Jeez, she's a prude,' but it's not that I'm trying to be more perfect than anyone else, I'm just OCD, naturally obedient (if you don't believe this ask Sis. McSweeny) and weird. Also, often times I don't know what to say to people, so I won't say anything. Combine this with the fact that I don't very often describe my numerous shortcomings to other people, and I may be crazy, but I think I have a bit of a problem with the way I come across.

I honestly don't think I'm better than anyone else. I am a firm believer that there are two sides to every story, and no one should be judged by anyone else because no one can ever completely understand why someone else does what they do. I can't think of a single person that I genuinely hate. Sure there are a few who drive me a bit nuts, and the occasional few that I'd just rather not talk to sometimes, but that's life. At least, I think it is....

I guess if everyone knew just how flawed I really am, then maybe I wouldn't find this a problem, but the thing is I'm not really ready to start bragging about my faults... maybe that's not a good thing, but I don't really want the whole world to know some of the things I struggle with, probably because I'm a bit of a perfectionist. I don't mind if people see some of them, but I think I'm too insecure to just start throwing them all out for the world to know about.

So as you are reading this you are wondering, where the crap is she going with this? The answer to your question is... I don't know. I asked my roommate tonight if I come across as a snob, she told me that snob isn't the right word, but she did confess that I may sometimes come across as a tad 'better than youish.' She did say that once you get to know me that goes away, which is a relief.

So do I keep just acting the way I always have, or is there something I should change so that people won't feel like I'm looking down on them? I don't know. It's a difficult dilemma for me, especially since I admire so many people for what they are, and I don't want any of them to feel like that isn't the case.

So back to the quote I read tonight... am I being myself? Or is there a way I can be more myself? Should I not worry about it, and just say that the people who think I'm a prig can go sit on themselves? Maybe I should just screw up in public more :) I don't know. And I'm sorry for anyone who read this. It's probably mighty confusing, but I had to get it out.

"Masquerade... paper faces on parade"

Am I the only one who hides behind a mask? Or multiple masks actually...I'd make a list of all the masks I wear because it'd be terribly interesting I'm sure, but the thing is I don't want anyone who happens to follow this blog to be able to recognize all of them. Plus, I use different masks in different situations, so that list would get awfully confusing awfully quick.
So instead I'm going to explore a different question.

Why do I hide?

I think it's because I don't trust people. Not with my feelings anyway. I have a hard time putting myself on the line, and when I feel infeior or drastically different I don't trust them to accept me for who I am. I like myself, but I don't always trust other people to like me too. In my brain I know this is all ridiculous, who cares what anyone else thinks? And for the most part I don't care what people in general think of me, but I care far too much about it if I value someones good opinion. For example: put me in a room of complete stranger's who I will never see again, I'll probably be willing to do just about anything. A room of people who I know are all ridiculous? Sure I'll be weird. How 'bout a room of people who I know are stuck with me? The people I work with or my family? I'll be completely myself there too. It's the people who have the option of walking away but who I want to stay that send me scuttling into my shell. And unfortunately these people are all around, especially at college: wardies, cute boys, roommates, classmates, potential girlfriends... they're everywhere.

So if I care about your good opinion and don't know you very well, I will probably be shy, or do something weird or out of character. Sorry. I guess this isn't that weird. I'm sure there are a lot of people like this... but it's still something I wish I could fix in myself.