Am I the only one who hides behind a mask? Or multiple masks actually...I'd make a list of all the masks I wear because it'd be terribly interesting I'm sure, but the thing is I don't want anyone who happens to follow this blog to be able to recognize all of them. Plus, I use different masks in different situations, so that list would get awfully confusing awfully quick.
So instead I'm going to explore a different question.
Why do I hide?
I think it's because I don't trust people. Not with my feelings anyway. I have a hard time putting myself on the line, and when I feel infeior or drastically different I don't trust them to accept me for who I am. I like myself, but I don't always trust other people to like me too. In my brain I know this is all ridiculous, who cares what anyone else thinks? And for the most part I don't care what people in general think of me, but I care far too much about it if I value someones good opinion. For example: put me in a room of complete stranger's who I will never see again, I'll probably be willing to do just about anything. A room of people who I know are all ridiculous? Sure I'll be weird. How 'bout a room of people who I know are stuck with me? The people I work with or my family? I'll be completely myself there too. It's the people who have the option of walking away but who I want to stay that send me scuttling into my shell. And unfortunately these people are all around, especially at college: wardies, cute boys, roommates, classmates, potential girlfriends... they're everywhere.
So if I care about your good opinion and don't know you very well, I will probably be shy, or do something weird or out of character. Sorry. I guess this isn't that weird. I'm sure there are a lot of people like this... but it's still something I wish I could fix in myself.
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