My Darling Dora,

When you messaged me the other day and told me that you read my blog, it gave me a little thrill in my heart. Firstly because I love you, and nextly because I think it's amazing that someone actually checked in with this poor neglected blog of mine.

You mentioned that you don't know what is going on in my life... so I thought perhaps I should just update you by writing a little letter/blog dedicated to you, because I love you!

Darling, my life has been crazy lately. In an awesome sort of way. You might want to make sure you are sitting down when you read this next part... but in the past month and a half or so (if you add in tomorrow) I will have been on dates with... let me think... roughly 7 different guys. (And I only asked 2 of those!) So if I were cuddled up on your couch with you at the moment I'd have a few different stories to go through.

Introductions to all of these boys have come about in various ways. Two were blind set ups (both happening to be men who live out of state... odd... but they're both nice) the rest are all ward members... and all of them are kind, decent, human beings. Two of them I am quite interested in, and one of those seems like he might be a little interested back? I don't think that's wishful thinking because he's one of the ones that asked me out :) In fact, I went to a folk festival performance with him last night and came home slightly giddy.

So yes. That has been nuts. I don't want to jinx myself and give you too much hope for any of these, but if any of them start to pan out a little bit... (keep your fingers cross for folk festival boy) you are going to have to make a bit of room in your schedule for a phone call. Also. I have kept in the back of my mind the requirement that they should be able to get along with Kelden. I haven't forgotten see... ;)

Actually! Wait! Speaking of phone calls... I'm going to Bear Lake next week! I'm planning to drive up Saturday, and I'll be there most of the next week, but I may just have to stop in Logan on the 11th?? Will you be free dearest?

I'm going to Bear lake to see my Cook family and my Daddy. That will be exciting and interesting, especially since my little brother is bringing a girl friend. Makes me feel old... little brother bringing girlfriends around... *sigh* haha. Twill be fun though.

I'm also just working away. I still love my job at the boys school. They still treat me like they want me around, and I have marvelous friends at work that I get along with super well. In fact, four of us are going to the movies tomorrow post work, and I just love having co-workers that I get along so well with.

Basically my life is showered with blessings and I am pretty happy most of the time.

How is your darling little boy? Have you taught him to say my name yet? ;) I hope being a Mommy is still bringing you oodles of joy and satisfaction!

I love you my dear. And thanks again for reading this little blog of mine.

Talk to you soon,

Love,

Krystal

Love triangles are a bad idea...

Once upon a time there was a girl who was young, and naive and in love with a dream.  She wished and waited and hoped for that dream so hard, and one day it started to work.

The short and condensed version of the story is thus: Krystal fell for a boy, and after a lot of drama (in which his friend competed for her, and much frustration ensured) she dated the boy for a little while. Things ended almost as quickly as they started, and Krystal when describing the experience said something about moving off cloud 9 and taking up residence in a place where shattered dreams lay around your feet in shards....

Yes, Krystal can be a little overly dramatic... but it is nice imagery is it not?

Anywho. Krystal learned that it's bad to get between two friends. Love triangles never turn out well.

Fast forward a few years to when the Bishop recommends that Krystal get to know a new boy in the ward. So Krystal starts to fall a little... and then one evening that boy's best friend asks her if "they can do something later this week... maybe Thursday?"

And part of Krystal flashes back to the memory of two other boys... and she thinks:

"This can only end in tears." (In the voice of Bartok the bat of course.)


I hate the dating game.

A goose egg, a mother, and a lesson in love

It was a sunny afternoon post-school in the 2nd grade when I had a literal run-in with a pole. The pole won, my nose turned red and swelled up, both eyes turned black, and I developed a rather large goose egg in the exact middle of my forehead.

The first dozen people to see me after that took one look at my face and exclaimed: "Wow! That looks like it hurts! Are you ok?" 

The thoughts jumbled through my dazed little blonde head in a confused 'what are they talking about...?...' sort of way. 

Until someone handed me a mirror. At which point everything became startlingly clear.  My face was a wreck. A deformed, ugly, mess.

Now it might be helpful to know, I probably could have competed for Mapleton Elementary's most reserved 2nd grader, and the thought of facing school the next morning with such a deformed face was a little more than I could bear.  How many people was I going to have to explain my newly decorated features to? *Nightmare* So the next morning I pleaded with my mother: "Please let me stay home from school today."  I thought it was a reasonable request.

She said no. And when I challenged her decision I remember her cheerfully telling me that it would be fine, and that at least I had bangs to help cover up the goose egg.

Cue internal grumbling: "Yeah right Mom, fat load of help my wispy blonde bangs will be, and they don't do anything to help my nose or either eye..."

But I went anyways. I got over it, and I can honestly say that I don't recall ever asking to skip school again for vanity's sake. 

I was thinking about this story today, and how it's a beautiful illustration for my Mother's love for me. I don't say that in a sarcastic way, I actually think back with a bit of fondness on the experience, because it's a prime demonstration of unselfish love.  My Mom is a Mom who cared more about my education than my vanity, or (on a deeper level) more about my development than my comfort... and I can think of many other instances in my life when she has demonstrated this type of love. I think it's the purest kind. It's the kind of love God has for us. The kind that allows Him to watch us wade through the shadows of pain and discomfort this life sends us because He knows we need to taste the bitter in order to appreciate the sweet. He's more interested in our potential and our growth than He is in our comfort. 

So since tomorrow is the day we officially celebrate our Mothers, and since I was thinking about this today, I just wanted to write a little tribute to my Mother, who shows me what real love is. She's the best Mom in the world, and I feel lucky to have her as mine. 

500 Feet

A few months ago I was sitting in the park discussing with a friend life directions and choices, and he said to me "Have you ever seen that mormon message, the '500 feet in the wrong direction' one with Elder Holland?"

If you don't know what this is you can watch it here: https://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/series/mormon-messages/wrong-roads

And we discussed how life includes these detours that help us recognize when we finally land on the right path.

Well a month or so after that I had this experience in repeat, with a different friend, in a different setting, saying to me seemingly randomly "hey Krystal, do you know that mormon message? The 500 feet in the wrong direction one?" And I said, "Yeah actually..."

And then a few weeks later... repeat. And again a few weeks after that...

And it seemed to pop up a lot.

So you can watch it again if you'd like.

https://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/series/mormon-messages/wrong-roads

:)

And so when I felt the prompting to apply to BYU's MBA program I was a little wary. It felt right, but all the while in the back of my mind I think I had this video playing, and part of me wondered if the program was a "wrong road."  But then I would brush it off as just being a chicken or frightened of what I didn't understand and I would plow back into my application preparations.

Until about 3ish months ago, when Brian, my institute teacher, found me studying for my retake of the GMAT in the institute building 45 minutes prior to class. He, assuming I was a BYU student, stopped to ask me what I was studying for. I began to explain, and then mid conversation, remembered that he had mentioned in class that he was a history teacher. So I looked up at him and asked in an intense way that probably took him off guard: "Did you always know that you wanted to be a history teacher?"

And a little taken aback, he answered that he hadn't, and he looked confused by my query, because here I was sitting in the hallway, prepping for business school, and fiercely interested in his vocation as a teacher... and I realized that the whole scenario was probably puzzling to him. So I paused, and said, "The reason I ask is because I'm actually a special education teacher, and I feel like I'm having a mid life crisis and don't know what I want to do with my life."

And then understanding dawned, along with a spark of pure enthusiasm, because he said, "Really?! Are you looking for a job?!"

And I thought, "Oh great, here we go..."

Because just about every time I tell someone in the education world that I have a SPED license, they try to recruit me to apply for some sort of position that I don't really want to apply for, and this was no exception.  I hedged in my responses to his prompts that I should apply for a position at this school for troubled boys (attached to a residential treatment center- full benefits, full time, great working environment...) and tried to shut down the topic a little bit. He had to go, and probably sensing my mood, bid me farewell and cheerily called as he walked away, "Let me know if you need to make more money!"

That comment haunted me the rest of the week, especially since that was the week I found out that my car needed about $700 worth of repairs, and I began to realize that I didn't know what I was going to do for income over the summer, much less how I was going to pay for an MBA. And in retrospect I don't think all of that is coincidence.

And also, I think someone else mentioned to me the 500 feet thing... HMM.

So the next week when he asked me if I'd decided to apply yet I said that I would like more details, and two weeks later I found myself sitting in an interview with two very lovely people. The interview lasted an hour and a half, and about an hour into it the Spirit wrapped me up in an unmistakable embrace and I just knew that they were going to offer me the job, and I knew that I had to say yes.

So I did. That was almost a month ago. I've worked a grand total of 10 days at my new job. It's at an academy attached to a residential treatment center for troubled teen boys. I'm the first special education teacher they've ever had, and I'm tasked with building their SPED department. Almost from scratch as it were. It's overwhelming and crazy and has a steep learning curve, but when I wake up in the morning I find myself excited to go to work. And I'm beginning to fall in love with the people I work with and the opportunity I've been given. Saying goodbye to my MBA application wasn't even that difficult, although when I contemplated how many hours I spent studying for that wretched GMAT exam it almost makes me ill... (except for that now I'm all ready to teach remedial pre-algebra or algebra skills... coincidence? Or divine intervention?)

It's ok. Maybe an MBA is still in my future? Just not this year. Cause for now I'm going to be happy with where the Lord has put me right now. I'm not sure why He's stuck me there, but it fits me, and I fit it, and for now that brings a wonderful amount of peace.

To be bold, or not to be bold?

I have a confession, and it's not going to be a surprising one.

I am super insecure when it comes to dating. 

Surprise! Not. 

Yes. I am SUPER insecure. Because although I know generally that I'm a decent individual, I just don't really believe deep down that anyone will ever choose me. I could psychoanalyze why, but tonight is just not the night for that. 

Also. I tend to fall rather slowly and steadily. For boys that I have no idea if I have a chance with. Who are probably not interested in a girl like me. Who I secretly feel are a bit out of my league. And this leads to a LOT of internal conflict. 

Example: Yesterday after church I invited a gentleman (who currently doesn't know that he could easily sweep me off my feet if he chose to) to sit by me at the linger longer our ward had. And we talked, and I fell a little more, and our conversation, to an outside observer, would have just been friendly, not even overly flirty or anything, just a nice chat. But on the inside. OH on the inside...  for me... it was like a little war. 

Because every time there was a slight pause in the conversation part of me said: "And now you should definitely NOT be a massive CHICKEN and just ask this kid when/if he is going to take you on a date. LIKE NOW. NOW IS GOOD." And then the other part of me responded: "No, um, no, NOW is actually NOT a good time. He's not even being very flirty and you don't have a clue if he'd even appreciate the sentiment. NOW there are other people around.  Right NOW you should be patient. Yes. Patience is good. You aren't good at patience. NOW he's saying something else and you should really listen." *tune back in and give him full listening ears until next lull when the conversation will repeat*

And because I saw that stud of a man later that evening, and had even better conversations, and melted all over on the inside when he complimented my eyes... my internal battle continued. And escalated. And... and....

And I don't know how chagrined I ought to be that I listened to the 2nd voice. 

Hm. 

Point. Oh yes. Maybe I should get to the point. Because of this nice little internal battle, I wound up asking a few gentlemen if it was attractive or a turn off when a girl is bold. Bold like: "Hey! You are great and should ask me out!" type of bold. And was a little surprised when the general consensus seemed to be that a bold girl who makes it known that she likes you is actually very attractive to most gentlemen... 

So now I think I need lessons. Or something. 

Confidence boost? Yeah. That would probably really help...

Dating... bleh!

Role play anyone? 

Haha. 

Made to Fly

Flitter by, butterfly,
Float up softly to the sky.
You glide upon the dancing breeze
with apparent grace and ease.
And down here upon the ground
a caterpillar, gravity bound,
I look up to you in the sky
and wish that I too could fly.
Though I know there is a way
I tremble at the price I'll pay.
A small cocoon I'd have to spin
and spend an entire season in,
tucked away from sun and light,
cradled in the darkest night.
My entire form would have to change,
a process painful, new and strange.
Trade my strength for different things:
a thinner form and filmy wings.
And with these wings be born anew.
How would things look to my fresh view
as I emerge into the world
and hope my wings will come unfurled?
Is it worth the hope, the chance
that on the breeze I too could dance,
the sights I'd see up in the sky
if I became a butterfly?

I see you there my friend below,
from the sky I watch you grow.
It may be hard while on the ground
to change a form so gravity bound.
But caterpillar, look up high,
you were made to fly.
It's worth the price, worth the pain,
it's worth the toil in the rain.
Your cocoon will take time to spin,
It will take courage to stay within.
You'll wonder when your form feels strange,
"Is it worth all this for change?"
But oh my friend, you'll love the view
your eyes will see when born anew.
So keep your focus on the sky
for you were made to fly.

-Krystal Cook. February 2014

When I Grow Up

Sometimes people ask me what I want to be when I grow up. My instinctive response to their query is "smarter."

They laugh and then say... "but really..." and I know what they're driving at... but I think my problem is that I want to do everything.... be everything.

I want to teach children. Run a business. Travel the world. Climb mountains. Work in the temple. Sing on stage. Write and publish a book. Give therapy. I want to listen and advocate. Make impactful speeches. Help a non profit. Become a hair stylist. Serve another mission. Learn all types of dancing. I want to understand medicine and science. Play with a local musical group. Run and bike. Sew blankets and clothes. I want to learn a foreign language or two or three. Plan secret service activities. Participate in religious services of many faiths. Help design and decorate a house. Grow my own garden. Learn to paint. I want to read books from every genre. Become an incredible cook. Teach a class at an institution of higher learning. Use power tools to build furniture. Figure out how an engine works and how to care for it myself. Master a new musical instrument. I want to be an avid family history researcher. Help people learn to ride horses. Plan family reunions.

Especially I want to get married and stay that way. I want to think up ways to make him laugh and smile and then sneakily do them just for the thrill of it. I want to rock my babies to sleep at night and learn to make up fantastic stories to tell them before they go to bed. I want to sit on the kitchen floor with a pot of cookie mix while they "help" me... like my Mom did for me...

Maybe when I'm grown up and smarter... I'll figure out how to be everything I want to be.