A goose egg, a mother, and a lesson in love

It was a sunny afternoon post-school in the 2nd grade when I had a literal run-in with a pole. The pole won, my nose turned red and swelled up, both eyes turned black, and I developed a rather large goose egg in the exact middle of my forehead.

The first dozen people to see me after that took one look at my face and exclaimed: "Wow! That looks like it hurts! Are you ok?" 

The thoughts jumbled through my dazed little blonde head in a confused 'what are they talking about...?...' sort of way. 

Until someone handed me a mirror. At which point everything became startlingly clear.  My face was a wreck. A deformed, ugly, mess.

Now it might be helpful to know, I probably could have competed for Mapleton Elementary's most reserved 2nd grader, and the thought of facing school the next morning with such a deformed face was a little more than I could bear.  How many people was I going to have to explain my newly decorated features to? *Nightmare* So the next morning I pleaded with my mother: "Please let me stay home from school today."  I thought it was a reasonable request.

She said no. And when I challenged her decision I remember her cheerfully telling me that it would be fine, and that at least I had bangs to help cover up the goose egg.

Cue internal grumbling: "Yeah right Mom, fat load of help my wispy blonde bangs will be, and they don't do anything to help my nose or either eye..."

But I went anyways. I got over it, and I can honestly say that I don't recall ever asking to skip school again for vanity's sake. 

I was thinking about this story today, and how it's a beautiful illustration for my Mother's love for me. I don't say that in a sarcastic way, I actually think back with a bit of fondness on the experience, because it's a prime demonstration of unselfish love.  My Mom is a Mom who cared more about my education than my vanity, or (on a deeper level) more about my development than my comfort... and I can think of many other instances in my life when she has demonstrated this type of love. I think it's the purest kind. It's the kind of love God has for us. The kind that allows Him to watch us wade through the shadows of pain and discomfort this life sends us because He knows we need to taste the bitter in order to appreciate the sweet. He's more interested in our potential and our growth than He is in our comfort. 

So since tomorrow is the day we officially celebrate our Mothers, and since I was thinking about this today, I just wanted to write a little tribute to my Mother, who shows me what real love is. She's the best Mom in the world, and I feel lucky to have her as mine. 

Mission Farwell

Saturday I found myself about to blow a fuse. Trapped inside my own brain, and about ready to go insane.... Luckily a friend rescued me, and let me talk it out at the park. Then I came home and ran - it was one of those times when you just need to move, and the burn and shortness of breath feels so good because it's a release and a distraction. Let's just say I was excited and nervous and overwhelmed.

I fell asleep that night, and woke without an alarm around 5:30 the next morning. I lay in bed for about a half an hour before getting up to get dressed... On especially anticipated mornings I usually wake up obscenely early without an alarm - an odd quirk of mine I guess.

I arrived at the chapel early, and then watched in awe as it began to fill with people I love. Some had come from far away, and who had made considerable effort to come. The meeting began, and I teared up as I realized that at least half of the congregation was there for me. Just because they love and care about me.

My talk went fairly well I think - I didn't break down in tears, and I think I managed to say what it is that I wanted to. I bore my testimony, and then spent the next few hours hugging people I love.

Can I just say that I love hugs? Due to this fact, Sunday was one of the best days ever. I got some great hugs. It was difficult to hug some people and realize I won't get to again for a very long time, but that's the nature of the game I guess.

A few of my friends who had come all the way from Logan for my farewell came to my house afterwards. Riley expressed his condolences that he hadn't made it to go dancing with me all summer - and then Dalon pointed out that there was a perfectly good kitchen floor present. So I danced in the kitchen with those two boys, both of whom I adore from the depths of my heart. Never dared to dream I'd find a man that would danced with me in the kitchen... who'd have thunk I'd find two on the very Sunday I say goodbye to the world to leave as a missionary? Haha. My life is so awesomely ironic sometimes.

Sunday night rolled around. I'd had a great time with my family, a good chance to play my oboe in a rehearsal, and was all around feeling superb. I was exhausted, but had enjoyed my day so thoroughly that I didn't want it to go to bed, cause that means it'd be over...

I wonder if this is kind of how my mission will be. I'll begin with nervous excitement. Then I'll run around like crazy- working hard and having many poignant moments. Moments where I feel pure joy, but also moments of sadness - and it'll all pass by in a whirlwind, and when I get to the end I won't want to be done, cause I know that it won't come again. I'll want to wake up the next morning and live it all over again....

I kind of hope that's how it goes anyways :)

Love Love Love

This song. For multiple reasons. That's all. 

Seeing as it's the day after Valentines day...

I'd like to share with you two of my favorite quotes concerning love.

“ Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”
- Captain Corelli's Mandolin6. "Love is the beauty of the soul." --St. Augustine

and...

“We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” -Unknown


They're both just so true :)

You should know that

this December we get to celebrate the birth of the most glorious being to ever walk upon this earth. He happens to be my best friend, and I want to tell you some of the reasons I think he is so wonderful.

I was eleven, and I'd never been more alone... I cried to him, and he came to me -- wrapped me in his arms, and told me that he loved me. He does that a lot. In fact, he was there for me during those months when I lied to myself and everyone else... saying that I was happy when I wasn't. He held me. He got me through. Sometimes he comes himself, and sometimes when I cry to him he sends an angel to watch over me. No matter what, he never lets me down.
Another thing I love about him is that he is really good at listening. In fact, he's the best at listening. That summer evening a year and a half ago when I prayed over something that may have been silly... but was so valuable to me... he answered. More than answering, he cared. And those times when I prayed because I needed help, he showed me the best way to go. And sometimes when he has answered, but I wasn't listening very well, he's been patient and repeated himself.

I'm not a very good friend to him yet, but I'm working on it. Because he's so great, he's very patient with me. He's shared his love for other people with me. Did you know that he loves YOU a lot? More than a lot actually... he loves you perfectly. He knows everything about you. ALL the good, ALL the bad, and everything in-between, and he loves you still. There isn't anything you can do that will make him stop caring. I promise you that.

His name is Jesus Christ. And I want you to know that I believe him. I mean, I know he's the Savior of the world... but more than that, I believe what he said. I believe he wants me to be happy. I believe he can make me happy if I just let him into my life. I believe that he can make you happy too. But you have to let him. You have to trust him enough to do the things he says. He won't force you to be happy, but he will show you how, because he's great like that.

Did you know that a lot of people forget his birthday? Sometimes I'm not very good at remembering it myself... but this year I'm going to be better. I'm going to help someone that he wants me to help. That's going to be one of my gifts to him. I'm going to bear my testimony this season... that will be another gift. I can't give him a lot, but I can give him my heart, which is the most valuable thing I have to give. I know it will make him happy. I know he'll be even more happy if you give him your heart too. Not just part of it, but all of it. It'll be scary to do, but I want you to know that he'll take care of it. And he'll make you happier than you ever dreamed if you give it to him.

There are lots of other people who are good friends with Christ. They believe him. In fact, a lot of them are better friends to him than I am, I admire them and want to be more like them. Elder McConkie was a very good friend of Jesus. I love his testimony, he said: "I am one of his witnesses, and in a coming day I shall feel the nail marks in his hands and in his feet and shall wet his feet with my tears. But I shall not know any better then than I know now that he is God’s Almighty Son, that he is our Savior and Redeemer, and that salvation comes in and through his atoning blood and in no other way."

Can you picture it? That day when you will kneel before the Savior of the world and bathe his feet with your tears? That day when He'll pull you into his arms, and you'll know you are home. That day when you can whisper thank-you, mean it more sincerely than you ever have before, and know that despite it's inadequacy it will be accepted by Him.

I hope that you know this too. I hope that you have a Happy Christmas, and I hope that you will take a moment to stop and remember the real reason we are celebrating. I hope you'll whisper a thank-you to Him on Christmas Eve. And I hope you listen when He whispers back.

Broken Hearts

I just read a quote that I can really relate to right now... it said "Broken hearts give us strenth and understanding and compassion." I had never thought of that before.

I've been really bad at blogging this past month. Mostly because I've been busy, and because I have been head over heels for my 'boyfriend.'

Well... technically he's not my boyfriend anymore, and my heart is broken. I think that he is still going to come with me for a week in August to visit my family, at least I really hope he will, (and I'm still excited about that,) and I believe that there is potential for us maybe dating again at a later time. Right now for us though it just isn't right. We decided we are still going to be wonderful friends, and we decided that instead of saying it's a 'break-up' that we are going to call it 'stepping back.'

Honestly no matter what you call it it still hurts. But I am at peace with it. I've gotten stronger the past few days. I've been crying some, but they've been cleansing tears. I've been praying a lot, and I've realized that Heavenly Father has something he needs me to do right now, and this 'stepping back' needed to happen in order for me to do it. I've remembered that I am a strong person who can stand on her own two feet and whose happiness is independent of other people's actions. It was a good thing for me to remember.

So yes I think it's safe to say that my heart is a bit broken right now... but I think it's given me strength and understanding and compassion that I would not have had if things hadn't happened the way they did.

For all you other's out there who know what it is to have a broken heart, I can now empathize with you. And for all you out there who like me, used to be terrified of ever having a broken heart... don't be quite so scared of it. It hurts yes, but the things you learn from it are priceless. I've come to realize that no matter what, faith and hope are choices, and it's possible to have a lot of both, even if you aren't sure in what. As long as you remember that God is in control and knows what will make you happy then a broken heart can be a blessing.

So Bennett... if you ever read this, please know I'm not upset. I don't regret one minute of time we spent together. I do regret anything I said or did that might have made you hurt at all, and I'm sorry if I did. I've been able to grow a lot, and I'll always be grateful for what you taught me. Thanks for being my friend.

What is Love?

I've been thinking about love, and I've decided that too often we ask people if they are 'in love' without properly defining it. I've also come up with a couple definitions...

True Love: I think this type means that you care more about the other person than you do about yourself.

Forever Love: This is the kind you feel for your family, the people you know you get to spend eternity with, and just that thought makes you almost giddy with gratitude.

Passionate Love: This is the butterflies in the tummy... 'I'm weak in the knees,' and 'I just want to be right next to you because that's where it's most comfortable' kind.

With these definitions in mind... I've definitely felt all types of love, but I've never felt all three for one person before. Some people have two from me, but I can't think of anyone who has all three yet. I think that's what will make getting married so special... that'll be the one person who gets all three types from me.

I think next time someone asks me if I'm 'in love' or if I've 'ever been in love' I'm just going to tell them yes. Because the honest truth is that I've been in love with lots of people... I am in love with lots of people! And when they get confused or excited I'll probably just giggle to myself. He He.

One year older and...

not really wiser. At least I don't feel any smarter.

But I do feel blessed. I am such a lucky girl! Friday I was just finishing up work when I started to walk back towards the school building. I saw two ladies coming out of the front doors, and when they saw me they started waving like crazy at me. I was really confused, wondering who those silly ladies were, until I got closer and realized that my Mom and Bee (my Grandma) had come up to surprise me and take me to a birthday lunch. We ate at Cafe Rio, went shopping, and had a marvelous time!

Afterwards I got to hang out with some girls from my major, walk around campus with my darling friend Sharlee who came up from Snow to visit me... and then come back to my apartment. When I walked in the door, about 15 friends or so all shouted 'happy birthday,' and Matt started serenading me with "Happy Birthday" on the bagpipes outside my window. It was the best surprise party I've ever had, and so much fun! Then on saturday I got to go to lunch again! Play with Sharlee and Dora, and then go to an Aggie basketball game. The game was intense, and so much fun! It's pretty much been the best weekend ever, and I feel so lucky to have so many fantastic friends and family who decided to make a fuss over me this weekend.

Barriers

I am a builder- and my specialty is walls. In fact, I'm so good at building them, that at my best I can rival the great wall of China. Sadly enough, my work will never be made famous, because my walls are invisible.

Yes, I am very adept at building mental and emotional walls. So good in fact, that I don't even know that I'm building them- until one day I step back and realize that I've trapped myself - trapped myself beneath a bundle of fears and hopes --- this prison is concrete; I cannot break it down. I've been clawing at it for 3 months. Beating at it- sometimes wholeheartedly, sometimes only halfheartedly- but it's still there. Some days I find myself adding to it- and when I realize that I have moved yet another stone into place, I become angry with myself and try to undo my work; only I can't move the stones out of my wall by myself- and those who could help me to move them don't have any idea that I need help.

This wall I have built- it is a blessing and a curse. It keeps me safe from hurt, but it also keeps me hidden from love. I know that if I told the individual who is built into the foundation of my wall what I was building, he could shake and and send it crashing down around me. This would bring two possible outcomes - If I let that someone help me destroy the wall I would either: get crushed in the tumble, or learn what it feels like to be free.

I'm sure any who are reading this are probably thinking "That Krystal girl is completely insane! What the crap is she talking about?" Maybe a few of you know what I feel like- maybe you've got a wall or two of your own.

Maybe one day I'll get the courage to ask for help rocking the foundation of my wall; maybe one day I'll find a jackhammer and beat it down myself; maybe one day prince charming will unlock the secret door in the wall and rescue me from it.

Maybe one day I'll be free.

"Love is only something we read about in books my dear" -Mrs. Fieldmouse

In the movie 'Kate and Leopold," Kate tells Leopold that she sometimes wonders if Love is like the grownup version of Santa Claus. A fairtytale for adults that keeps us endlessesly searching, but that we never really find. Of course in the end she is proven wrong when she realizes she has found her 'one true love' --but that question hit a chord with me when I heard it.

I was reading a short fantasy book tonight just for fun. A retelling of cinderella as it were. The author approached it in a way different than most, and when I finished it Kate's musings came to my mind. And I started to wonder if the 'true love' junk we hear about all the time is all it's really cracked up to be. Probably not right?

Well, I had just about decided that the love we read about in cinderella is completely false, and feeling a bit sad that fantasies don't come true, when I looked up at a picture of the Salt Lake Temple that my Mom has hanging on the wall. And I realized that I was looking at love. Heavenly Father made us, and he knows what makes us most happy. His love is the perfect kind. Family, friendly, generally, and of course, romantically.

So I guess Kate was wrong. Love isn't the grown up version of Santa Claus. It's more real than the nose on my face. Thank heavens. Isn't this world a lovely place?

My stupid dissertation on falling in love...

How does one fall in love? People talk of love at first sight. They see that special someone for the first time, and poof! The galaxy aligns...
Love at first sight is wildly romantic and all... but wouldn't one be more sure of oneself if it came more slowly? If you came to know someone well, and loved their company, and then one day, woke up, and realized that they'd come to mean everything to you? That they are your best friend, as well as your true love, and you don't remember when or how or why exactly it went from simply the first to both? Wouldn't it be easier that way too? Assuming of course that they eventually realize the same about you...
I don't know. I guess I'm trying to figure out how I feel about the whole idea. If someone has a weakness for pushing away those that want a relationship, wouldn't it make more sense for that person to have a good friendship that grows into a relationship? Wouldn't it be harder to push that away because you'd know so much better what it is you might be getting into?
Maybe I'm just demented... but it seems to me that this would be the best way to fall in love. You don't have to try to build it from scratch, you've already got something to start with.
Am I the only one who thinks this? Because it seems that the rest of the world is so focused on the other kind... the attraction before friendship... that sometimes some people forget this kind exsists unless it konks them over the head.
I guess it won't matter for a while... at least for me it won't. Everyone out here at college is trying too hard it seems to fall in love. It's what's got me thinking about it. Why are they looking so earnestly for it? Should we all look? Or should we wait for it to fall into our lap? and just build good friendships in the meantime? I don't know, but I am going to echo what she says in 'You've got mail'... "I don't really want an answer, I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void... so goodnight dear void."