A goose egg, a mother, and a lesson in love

It was a sunny afternoon post-school in the 2nd grade when I had a literal run-in with a pole. The pole won, my nose turned red and swelled up, both eyes turned black, and I developed a rather large goose egg in the exact middle of my forehead.

The first dozen people to see me after that took one look at my face and exclaimed: "Wow! That looks like it hurts! Are you ok?" 

The thoughts jumbled through my dazed little blonde head in a confused 'what are they talking about...?...' sort of way. 

Until someone handed me a mirror. At which point everything became startlingly clear.  My face was a wreck. A deformed, ugly, mess.

Now it might be helpful to know, I probably could have competed for Mapleton Elementary's most reserved 2nd grader, and the thought of facing school the next morning with such a deformed face was a little more than I could bear.  How many people was I going to have to explain my newly decorated features to? *Nightmare* So the next morning I pleaded with my mother: "Please let me stay home from school today."  I thought it was a reasonable request.

She said no. And when I challenged her decision I remember her cheerfully telling me that it would be fine, and that at least I had bangs to help cover up the goose egg.

Cue internal grumbling: "Yeah right Mom, fat load of help my wispy blonde bangs will be, and they don't do anything to help my nose or either eye..."

But I went anyways. I got over it, and I can honestly say that I don't recall ever asking to skip school again for vanity's sake. 

I was thinking about this story today, and how it's a beautiful illustration for my Mother's love for me. I don't say that in a sarcastic way, I actually think back with a bit of fondness on the experience, because it's a prime demonstration of unselfish love.  My Mom is a Mom who cared more about my education than my vanity, or (on a deeper level) more about my development than my comfort... and I can think of many other instances in my life when she has demonstrated this type of love. I think it's the purest kind. It's the kind of love God has for us. The kind that allows Him to watch us wade through the shadows of pain and discomfort this life sends us because He knows we need to taste the bitter in order to appreciate the sweet. He's more interested in our potential and our growth than He is in our comfort. 

So since tomorrow is the day we officially celebrate our Mothers, and since I was thinking about this today, I just wanted to write a little tribute to my Mother, who shows me what real love is. She's the best Mom in the world, and I feel lucky to have her as mine. 

Musings and Men

I began typing out my musings in a typical blog post... and then realized that dear-men letters would be a much more appropriate format for expressing part of what I'm thinking. So yes, 6 days before I enter the MTC I am writing to some of the men of my world:

Dear Workaholic,
You may act like you're a little rough around the edges, and we may give each other what borders on slightly too much crap, but I think you're all gooey on the inside and I secretly appreciate you for that. Thanks for the help. You didn't have to give it but you did, and I'm not going to forget it. Thanks for laughing at my jokes, even when they were dumb, and for teasing me mercilessly. I just need that sometimes.
Sincerely,
A not-THAT-irreverent soul

Dear Cowboy,
In spite of promises to myself not too... I have to confess I had a mini-crush on you for a week or two. Don't worry, we're good now... hope that doesn't weird you out. What can I say? You are just so darn GOOD. You make me think, laugh, and every time I left hanging out with you I found myself resolving to be a better person. I love who I am when I am with you, and the fact that I feel I can trust you with pieces of me that I don't tell other people about. Thanks for dropping everything and coming to my rescue when I needed it.
Sincerely,
I still think we think too much alike :)

Dear Superman,
You amaze me. Your confidence and energy and zest for life, in spite of the fact that you haven't had it easy. You keep the spirit close, and it's incredible to watch you. Thanks for being my friend, and for caring, and for talking to me despite the difficulty you have trusting people. People often surprise us with how amazing they are underneath, and you've helped me see that - I hope you've been able to see that in other people too. Please keep in touch -- I look forward to the day when you find what you are looking for.
Sincerely,
That friend who keeps you up way too late

Dear I'mhavingareallyhardtimethinkingofanappropriatenicknameforyou,
Um... wasn't expecting that the other night. But thanks for having the guts to talk to me. Thanks for putting up with me - and for... in your own way... even hinting that you care about me. You've always had this way of making me feel like you can see straight through me, and it's always made me nervous... so I hope you'll forgive me for those times when I wasn't as good to you and open with you as I probably should have been. I've learned a lot from you, even when our conversations were frustrating I was grateful that they pushed me to think in ways I otherwise wouldn't have. For the record, I think you are great, and you deserve to be happy. And not just the mildly content sort, but the tingly I-can't-believe-I-am-so-blessed kind of happy. I hope you find it soon.
Sincerely,
Just me

Dear Smiley,
It's been a pleasure. I can honestly say that I feel much less awkward flirting in part thanks to you. Granted... the skill will probably completely disappear while on my mission. Mind a play date/refresher course when I get back? That is assuming you are still single of course. Thanks for being a good friend and checking on me every now and again.
Sincerely,
Thanks for complimenting my calves

Dear Father,
Thanks for giving me all these friends for a season. Thanks for showing me that awesome men in this world don't come in a limited supply. Each of these men I've written to are righteous men who honor their Priesthood- and that is incredible to me. Can I please have someone similar to them at some point? And will you please bless him 'cause that poor boy is having to wait a long time for me to finish up my chores...
Sincerely,
Your daughter

Dear Prince Charming,
Sorry to keep you waiting. Please be patient a little longer... Australia needs me for 18 months. And I think I need Australia too. But after May 2014 please come find me.
Love,
Krystal

Hi my name is Krystal.

-I graduated from college almost a year ago.
-I have a big grown up job.
-I used to live in China.


When you say those things like that it makes me sound so.... old.

Just so ya'll know: I'm only barely 22.

I just felt the need to reaffirm that....

Papa Hugs

My Papa gives the best hugs in the whole world. It has always been my firm belief that there is absolutely NOTHING that a Papa hug cannot help make better.

Papa is my Mother's Father. This afternoon I got a hug from him before I left his house. I got back in the car to drive home, and as I raised my arm to wave I caught a distinct whiff of his cologne. I grinned from ear to ear, because Papa hugs often linger in this way. I can't think of a single person in the whole world whose cologne I would rather have stick to me. Not that there aren't numerous yummy smelling men in this world, but none of their smells makes me feel even remotely as secure as the smell of a Papa hug does.

One day when I meet a man who can hug 1/2 as well as my Papa --- I'll be a goner. Toast. Head over heels for a man who can hug. Hehehe.

The Blues Have Found Me

I sit at home, munching on a piece of cardboard pizza as I wallow in self-pity. Why is it that every time life approaches perfection it changes?

I'm not used to feeling this unwanted and obnoxious. I get to play babysitter this weekend to a bunch of teenagers who want to be independent from me and the world. Part of me wants to let them go and do whatever the crap they want and not worry about it, but they're my siblings and I promised my parents I'd keep an eye on them. You wouldn't believe how hard it can be to just get a little information out of them about what they want to do. I'm so glad I'm not a parent right now.

Also. I hate the fact that my social life has pretty much disappeared. I know that I'm the only one who can fix it, but at the moment I really don't want to expend the necessary energy to do so. It's easier to sit and wish that someone would take pity on me. I know from personal experience this doesn't happen. And so I swallow my cold pizza, and wait for the evening to end --- knowing that tomorrow will be better and maybe next week I can find the gumption to look for a group of people who want to play with me.

*Note. Jen Parks: You are wonderful. Thanks for saving me so far this summer. I'd have gone crazy already without you.

Courage is Fear that Prays

Someone bore their testimony in sacrament meeting sunday and said this. He wasn't a member of my ward, and so I cannot remember his name. But I'm grateful he shared it. It hit me really hard.

I've realized that I'm scared of the future. I'm scared I'm going to miss something important that I'm supposed to do. I've felt so absolutely and completely right about this year. I KNEW I was supposed to come back to USU. I KNEW I was supposed to be called as the Relief Society President. I've done what I feel my Heavenly Father has asked me to do. And I've tried to give it my all. And I want to tell you something: this is the best feeling in the world. To know that I listened. I obeyed, and received incredible experiences, blessings and happiness as a result. I feel like a completely different person than I was even 8 months ago. Completely different. I feel that I am so much better at listening, recognizing and following the Spirit, and I have a lot more trust and faith in God and His plan for me. And because things seemed so clear back in August, I guess I figured that they'd be the same now. I figured he'd point me where I'm supposed to go next. But it isn't like it was then.

In a way I feel a bit lost. I don't want this year to end. I feel like I'll be taking a giant leap into the darkness. Which is ok when I feel like God tells me to leap - but when I'm just leaping because there isn't anything else to do... this is awful. And probably not making any sense. But I had to get it out.

I guess I'll just keep praying. Because I definitely need to find a bit of courage.

Mrs. Cook

A while ago I decided I really don't like being called Mrs. Cook in the classroom. It makes me feel so... OLD.

So I decided to do something about it. I knew I wasn't going to get all the kids to convert... but I figured my 5th graders could catch on to the difference.

So -- one of their assignments was to write me a persuasive letter. I explained very carefully the differences between Mrs, Miss, and Ms -- as well as which ones are appropriate to use when addressing me. I strongly emphasized that I was not to be called Mrs. Cook. Because I am not a Missus.

The good news: they all began to call me Ms or Miss Cook after that. And I was happy.

The bad news: It didn't last more than a week --- I'm now back to being called 'Mrs. Cook'


*sigh*

Silence

It's eerily quiet in my apartment.

This is largely due to the fact that my goldfish and I are the only two living beings here right now. And really, my fish isn't much for making noise.

Unless Belle shows up sometime (which is highly unlikely) we will be the only two here for an entire week...



It's kind of sad.


(Oh. And yes, I got goldfish for my birthday :) Admiral Beerbelly and Squirt kicked the bucket after only two days... I'm hoping Han Solo will last slightly longer.)

Yup. Sometimes life is just like that.

I tried so hard today.

So hard.

For most of the last 12 hours I have been doing something church related. I have been trying to strengthen the kingdom. Take care of the saints, strengthen souls, build Zion, you know... all that good stuff.

And it was a wonderful day. Because the days when I am serving the Lord the most are always the most wonderful. Until I went back in my room, and my fish, my dear Zoe, was dead.

I know you are saying, "But Krystal, you only had Zoe for three days." But what you don't understand is, that I was sincerely attached to her. I introduced her to almost everyone that came over to my apartment. I've talked to her, and agonized over how much to feed her. And now she's gone.

I haven't taken her out of the bowl yet. She's still laying there because I know that when I have to take care of it I'm going to cry. I'm near unto tears just thinking about it.

Between that and all of the people who I've worried over today... I'm just emotionally exhausted. And I wanted to shake something and scream at how unfair life is. Instead tonight I looked up and asked God how much longer the little things were going to keep going wrong, and how the heck I am going to have the strength to deal with them -- if my goldfish dying reduces me to tears than what am I going to do when the rest of my life falls apart later?

And I realized that it's never going to get easier. In fact, I know it's just going to get harder. But that's ok. Because I'm on the winning team. Christ is on my side, and he'll help me find joy - he already does. I can't expect things to be easy for me, because they never were easy for him. And plus, every day I have the chance to laugh and marvel at something good he has placed in my life. He loves me so much.

And as I long as I keep that in mind everything else will be fine.

I'm going to brag...

because this is MY blog. And I am allowed to be as ridiculous as I want on it. Because after all, no one is forcing you to read this. (Which, tangent: I must give a big fat thank you to all ya'll who do actually care enough to read my musings. You're wonderful.)

Anyways. Back to bragging time...

Tonight I felt like crap. I could tell I'm getting sick, I was tired, and just, bleh. Yeah. 'Bleh' is definitely the right describing word to use.

And the blehness, it needed to be helped. Thus an internal battle: go running, or take a nap? Nap or running? Pain or sweet release? hmm... hmmm... hmmmmmmmmmm......

Then Sharlee came home from her run: and I felt GUILTY. Yes. Guilty, because I should be better. I should run more. I should take better care of myself.

So I hauled myself off my butt and went to the gym. And because I can't be too ambitious, I chose the elliptical over the treadmill.

28 minutes later I had run 3 miles. Yes ladies and gentlemen of the court: I averaged a 9.something minute mile... for 28 minutes. And I was so happy I wanted to do a cartwheel. And then I ran home because I felt so GOOD.

You can laugh. In fact, you should laugh. You should also probably mock my measly running attempts. But at least I try.

I usually don't really enjoy running much. Today it was awesomely incredible. I think I glimpsed the 'runners high' that I am always hearing about and am oh so envious of. And so I needed to tell my blog: I did good. I pushed myself hard. I conquered for a day. And I'm going to sleep soooo well tonight.

God is Wonderful

Did you know that he knows everyone? And he knows everything about everyone. And he helps everyone? And he arranges situations so that some people can help other people, so that everyone is taking care of everyone else. And HE doesn't ever let anyone slip through the cracks. When someone is lonely or tired or stressed, or when they just broke up with their boyfriend, or they just bombed a quiz, or when they are having roommate problems, or they don't know what to choose as a major, or they're trying to decide if they should get married, or they're worried about how they are going to pay for next month's rent: he knows. And he cares. And he'll listen to them if they feel like pouring out their problems to him. He'll give them good advice. He'll send an angel to help them out. He'll share his love. And he will NEVER forsake, forget, or neglect them.

So sometimes it boggles my mind, that a being so powerful, so infinitely wise, and so wonderful would ask ME to help him. He asked me to help watch over 44 girls specifically. He asked me to help them build their testimonies. He asked me to make sure that they can feel his love. He asked me to give them opportunities to serve and to care about one another. And I, I can barely deal with my own life. I am a very small person. I don't have a loud voice. I'm not wise. I'm 20 years old, and I can't keep track of everything. And yet... I care about these girls so much because God shared with me his love for them. I notice when they come to sacrament meeting and then skip out on relief society, and it makes me sad that they aren't there. I notice when they look sad during a lesson, or when they sit alone at church. I love to listen when they will tell me about their problems. I pray for them at night. I've fasted for them, and asked them to help take care of each other. I've tried so hard to listen to the Spirit, I've read the handbook, and sat through countless councils, I've pondered ways to help them feel God's love... And still I know I fall short.

I know that God won't let me fail because most days I'm honestly doing the best I know how, but I wish that I could do so much more. I wish that I could somehow have a heart-to-heart with each of my 44 girls every day. Especially the ones I don't know as well. I wish that I could give each of them perfect advice, and listen to all of their worries, and I wish that I could cheer them on as they make good decisions. I wish I could help those who are struggling to see that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is the only way to be truly happy. I wish I could give them the courage they need to live their lives the way God wants them to. Mostly, I wish I could somehow help all of them understand just how valuable they are in God's eyes.

But I'm just me. Little tiny Krystal, with small ideas, her own bucket of concerns, and a heart that cares. So for now, before I go to sleep, I guess I'll just pour out my concerns to God, because he's up all night anyways. And he knows how to take much better care of my girls than I do.

I'm glad I'm on his side.

Equals

I've noticed something. The very intelligent often rely too heavily on their brain, and they forget that the brain and the heart are equals, and the only way to really be happy is to listen to both of them and find a balance.

Or perhaps it's not even just the very intelligent who have this problem, but rather it's most everyone. I've fallen into this trap a lot. I get upset because I've got something clearly worked out in my brain, I understand how something "SHOULD" go, and it'd be beautiful if my heart would just cooperate and feel what my brain tells it to feel. But I've decided that it is a good thing it's not possible for me to do that.

I think that my heart is a lot better at being in tune with God sometimes than my brain is. But then, there are also times when my heart kinda goes crazy and my brain is the thing that keeps me going... my point is: You need both. Equally. They balance each other out. And as hard as it may be, we shouldn't waste energy resenting one or the other of them because it won't go into alignment with the other wants.

So my challenge to you: whatever issue is giving you grief right now, whatever person or idea or future decision is haunting your mind... think it though. Decide what is most logical. And then throw logic out the door for a few minutes, and listen to what your heart says. After you've figured out exactly what both want, let logic back in the room, and find a way to compromise. Find a way to follow what your heart says too sometimes, not just your head.

You'll be much happier if you do. And if it so happens that your dreams get crushed, remember that it's ok to grieve. Have a good cry, and then have a good conversation with your heart and head again... and make sure you listen to both of them.

"I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday, and I love today." -William Allen White

I was remembering. Remembering a night, a night not too long ago, a night when I cried. Tears of perfect joy rolled down my cheeks. I watched the sunset, just me and my Heavenly Father, and I told him that I knew life was going to change soon, because nothing so perfect lasts long... and I thanked him for allowing me that time. For allowing my life to be perfect for that little while.

I was remembering. Thinking of that time, that night, and I started to wonder. Why is it that moments of perfect joy and happiness have to be marred by the knowledge that the beauty will soon end? Why does the messy future have to creep in and mock the perfect stillness of that serenely beautiful moment?

But then I remembered. During the messy chaos of life, I am visited by a memory. A memory with an orange sunset, watery eyes and a soul that was soaring. And I realized: that evening visits me during the chaos. The chaos may mock me during the calm, but the knowledge that I will have another moment, another evening in the sunset, with just me and the Lord: that promise sooths my soul, because I know it will come again.

Hope vs Logic: Round 2

"I have a proposition." -Logic

"I usually don't like your propositions. You're bossy." -Hope

"Just listen ok? I think we should compromise." -Logic

"I'm listening." -Hope

"Let's tweak it. Let's act as if the slate is completely clean, build a castle of dreams, and then start fresh. I know it'll be rough for a bit, but I think this way will be best for everything, and we still get to believe." -Logic

"That's a sugar coated way of saying 'give up.'" -Hope

"So? Sugar is good." -Logic

"I know. And I think I like it. Surprisingly enough." -Hope

"Are you serious? You've been sticking to this one for ages." -Logic

"Yeah. Which is why I'm done. I'm done planning. Let's build a new castle." -Hope

"I think if we really start working together like this, we might actually get to experience what liberation feels like." -Logic

"I know. I think this will be good. Hard, most definitely. But good." -Hope

"YES!!! We start now." -Logic

"Ok. You're aware I may lose my resolve in a few days and revert back to my stubborn ways right?" -Hope

"I won't let you. This will be good. I know it will." -Logic

"Yeah, well you don't know anything really. But we'll try this anyways." -Hope

Hope vs Logic

"You're an idiot. What the crap are you doing to yourself?" -Logic

"Trust yourself. You were right before." -Hope

"No you weren't. You were stupid before. You didn't know anything before. You never formed solid conclusions, it was just a gut feeling that turned out lucky. This is big. You can't really afford to be wrong on this." -Logic

"Why the heck not?" -Hope

"Cause it'll hurt real bad if you are." -Logic

"You don't believe in coincidences. Cumon, just trust your instinct." -Hope

"How do you know we don't believe in coincidences?" -Logic

"You saw it. More important, you FELT it. Remember, we're just learning patience right now. It'll work out. Maybe even sooner than you think." -Hope

"Just cause it'll work out eventually doesn't mean I'm right." -Logic

"Doesn't mean you're wrong either. Remember last time? I know you remember. Plus, think of all those feelings you had. All those instincts. You know how to read people. You understand more than you think you do." -Hope

"But it'll hurt if I'm wrong. I'm scared to be wrong. More scared than I think I've ever been of anything. Maybe if I just admit I'm wrong now then it won't hurt so bad later." -Logic

"You can't give up. You know that won't work. We tried it before remember? It was a disaster when you tried that. Just believe that you are right. You know you need to believe this." -Hope

"Just cause it didn't work the first time doesn't mean I can't make it work. I'm tough remember?" -Logic

"No you aren't. You just tell yourself that. Plus, now you're getting off track. Just trust yourself ok. You need to give yourself more credit." -Hope

"What if I give myself that credit, and it does turn out that I'm wrong huh? Then what?" -Logic

"Then we learn, we'll start over. We'll do better next time." -Hope

"I hope this turns out. If not I'm going to beat you up. And cry all over you. And maybe scream a little bit. Actually, scratch the little part... " -Logic

"Fine. Trust me, it'll all work out. You're right. Just keep trusting." -Hope

One of those days:

Ever feel like you are a few days overdue for a good cry?
And yet you aren't quite sure what you should cry about...

Yeah. Me too.

Somedays....

Do you ever just KNOW something is right... but even though you know it, you still doubt it?

Why is it that I can feel deep in my bones that something is right, and will happen one day, and yet I still doubt it until it actually happens? Why is my faith lacking?

If you are close to me you will have probably heard my 'someday' spiel. Bascially I believe that life is full of "somedays." These are the days that you dream about your whole entire life... but they aren't ever actually supposed to happen.

For instance: The day you get your drivers license. Your first date. Your first kiss. Graduating from high school. Graduating from college. Turning 21. The day you get engaged. Your wedding day. The day your first child is born.... and the list can go on and on.

These are days we all wonder about. We dream about them, plan them, wait for them, and wish that they would come...

And then they come, and we are in shock. We've dreamed about them for so long, that we have begun to disbelieve that they will actually happen. And then the day after, we stop and think 'Wow... did that really just happen? That's so weird!" Because those days are 'somedays'. They are nice to dream about: but you aren't ever actually supposed to get to them.

I think as we grow up we become a little less enthralled with 'somedays.' We experience a few of them, and we watch our friends go through them, and we realize that 'someday' is an actual day, and it will actually happen to us. And then we get a little bit antsy I think. And we wonder when. And then if you are me, and you think you know how you want a particular 'someday' to go, you become impatient.

And then impatience brings doubt. You know your day will come. But you don't believe it. Why is that? Why is that I can know it, and yet still secretly doubt?

I've come to realize lately that faith is very much a decision. A choice. It's not a feeling. It can be accompanied by a wonderful feeling... but feeling doesn't determine faith. When I choose to have faith that the Lord will give me my 'someday' in a better way than I can ever plan for then I am so much more at peace. But it's an uphill battle... let me tell you.

Faking it....

I frequently explain to people that my motto in life is "Fake it till you make it."

I love this motto, and so far it has worked really well for me. Basically I figure if I fake something long enough, then eventually it becomes a reality. Like: can fake being smart until I am. Or I can fake being tough until I become that way.

I have this image in my mind. It's a picture of me, only it's not me yet. It's an image of a perfect Krystal. A Krystal who loves everyone; who finds and brings out the best in them. Who is kind and strong and good. A Krystal who knows how to listen to the Spirit, and who knows what to say to make someone else's day better. She's forgiving and charitable. She's constantly engaged in good works and service. She's a Krystal who always gives good advice, and who understands people. She is talented and educated and obedient to God's commandments; a Krystal who reflects the light of Christ in her eyes. She laughs everyday; she sings and hums and skips and spends time finding the tender mercies and silver linings of life. She is organized, and thoughtful. She is confident and graceful and self-assured. She's who I want to be.

But she isn't real yet.

I pretend really hard that I am her. I pretend really hard that I don't care about some things and that I care desperately about others. I fake and fake and fake, and then sometimes I stop. Temporarily. When I am alone I allow myself to stop because I am tired of fighting so hard. I pause because faith is hard. I stop because I am terrified to go on. I'm terrified that I won't become perfect Krystal.

The Krystal of the present is not graceful. She falls a lot. She isn't always obedient, and she isn't always kind. Her faith is lacking, and her life disorganized. She's not self-assured, and she has to work to find silver linings and laughter sometimes. She feels lonely a lot. She has a hard time accepting help. She is ignorant, selfish and petty. She's weak. She also has a very hard time forgiving herself for being so weak.

Sometimes I wish that I didn't have to pretend so hard, But I'm going to keep faking it. I'm going to become perfect Krystal one day. And knowing that I can do it with the help of the Lord is really empowering.

So here's to faking my way into perfection. Sometimes people tell me how they admire me for a specific trait, and I think in my head, "haha, I sure have them fooled." And then I get excited because I realize that I am becoming something better than I am. Faking it is starting to work for that particular trait. I'm grateful when people point out what they percieve as strengths because it helps me to know that I'm actually getting somewhere on my path to being 'perfect Krystal.'

Unfortunately, I've started to realize that there are some things that I can't seem to change, no matter how much I fake. These are usually emotions. I can't fake my way out of loneliness. I cannnot pretend that I've given up some dreams when I haven't. Only time and the Lord can change them, and he is teaching me patience as I sit and wait for his will for me to be realized. As I've started to realize that there are some things I can't fake my way out of, I've noticed a flaw in my image of perfect Krystal. Perfect Krystal has everything figured out. She understands everything. I need to let go of this part of her, because God is the ONLY one who understands everything. I can fake my way into a lot of things. I can fake my way into being kind and confident and educated. I cannot fake my way into knowing everything, and I think instead of wishing that I could understand everything, I instead need to fake my way into always being happy and excited about the Lord's plan for me.

I'm sorry. This is long and probably full of tangents, but I needed to write until I understood the misconception that I had in my head. The one about perfect Krystal knowing everything. As I've typed I've been able to sort through my head and figure out that I shouldn't want to understand everything: because first off, I need to have more faith. And secondly, life would be a lot more boring if I did understand everything.

Gen-Ed Blues

Do you even know how ridiculous it feels to go back to gen-ed courses when you are used to being in a program and specialization where your largest class contains no more than 40 people, and your smallest is only 15? Where every single one of your professors knows you by name... and where you refer to each of your class's not by their title, (because you don't know the title), but by the Professor's first name? (i.e. Scott's class, and Trina's class, etc...) Where you work your tail off, every day, but you don't mind so much because you enjoy what you are studying and you know it's going to get you somewhere...

Yeah, it's nice to go back to the squishy-easy-autopilot mode sometimes... but I'm finding that gen-ed bugs me a whole lot more than I remember it bothering me.

Oh well. Life could be worse right?

Tonight for my "Dress and Humanity" class we had a talent show. I made a dress out of blue and purple bandanas, it was actually pretty cool if I do say so myself (both the show and my dress). I enjoyed the project; I do not enjoy going to that class. It's RIDICULOUS. Easy yes, but ridiculous nonetheless. Just so you know. If you decide to take it don't you dare say you weren't warned.

Yeah. For all you out there who are getting ready to start your program, I am so excited for you. It's so cool to get out of gen-ed. Just don't be dumb like me and decide to go back for seconds once you get out.

Ok. Gen-ed isn't all that bad. I actually like my Anthropology class, not gonna lie. It's just pathetically easy. But I shouldn't complain about that I guess. Haha. I'm feeling so fickle tonight.

The Night Before Life Goes On....

I watched Muppet Treasure Island with my Mom and sister. Love that movie! (I always forget how funny it is until I watch it again.) I also had some great conversations... and I started packing. Super intense right? You'd think I'd do something slightly more exciting with my last day of real summer before my life changes again, but I wouldn't change today even if I could. It's been perfect.

This 'moving phase' time of the year has been very different from the last two I've experienced -- both of those years I was afraid of what was in front of me. I clung to summer with all my might and willed that it would never end. This year I am just plain old excited to see what is around the bend, it's a pleasant change to my normal emotional reaction to moving on.

I learned a lot this summer. And returning to Logan I will be a much different person than I was when I left. I'm stronger. I trust the Lord more, and I trust myself more too. Lately I've started to accept myself more, and I've begun to accept the upside down parts of my life as they are. I've learned that stressing about some things won't make them go away -- and I can be happy with how things are even when they aren't how I'd choose to have them. I've learned more fully that God really is in control, and I trust him with my future. I know that as long as I do the best I can he'll take care of the rest. I've learned better how to hand my burdens over to him, and I've felt the atonement work in my life - it lifts me up and makes me feel so light! I've learned that it's completely ok to screw up, because that's how we learn! I learned it's ok to be happy while you make mistakes and attempt to fix them, it doesn't have to be a dismal business. I've learned other things too... but if I listed all of them this post would never ever end.

Sorry if this is super nostalgic, but I tend to get that way when I can feel that my life is about to change again. I think it's good for me to reflect on the things I learned and be grateful for the experiences, both good and bad, that have turned me into the person I am. My testimony of God's hand in my life only grows with each phase I go through.

So here's to the past. Here's to lessons learned, and growing up. Here's to moving on, and most of all here's to the people in my life that love me and make me want to be better. Here's to a loving Heavenly Father that saves me from myself by not always giving me what I want. I am so excited to see what adventure he has in store for me next, and I'm so excited for the fun times I'll be able to have this semester!!

UTAH STATE HERE I COME AGAIN!