The highlight of my day was when I crossed another thing off my 101 list. I wrote a silly love note and attached it to some balloons left over from my farewell (which I will be telling you more about in a later post I promise) and then let them float away into the sky.
There was something so calming and wonderful about watching those balloons drift gracefully away. I closed my eyes for a moment and made a wish that someone who needs it will get that letter.
It was so silly. But it made me so happy. It was like backwards anonymous mail. Cause I signed my name, but I don't have a clue who is going to be getting the letter. Let me know if you are the recipient ;)
Showing posts with label Dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dreams. Show all posts
Monday, October 15, 2012
Saturday, June 23, 2012
In my dream last night
I opened my mission call. And it said I was going to Hong Kong. I love Hong Kong, so I was totally fine with it. But I had to learn Mandarin.
Which secretly terrifies me, (even though I know if it really happened I'd be fine). Because Mandarin is HARD and after 4 months of living in China I know next to none of it.
Yeah....
Yeah..........
Which secretly terrifies me, (even though I know if it really happened I'd be fine). Because Mandarin is HARD and after 4 months of living in China I know next to none of it.
Yeah....
Yeah..........
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Stupid Dream.
Yeah. You. Last night.
You showed up and made what would have been a glorious nights sleep a complete wreck. Why did you make it that way? Because you sorta asked, and I did something impulsive. Something that I hope I wouldn't do in real life.
And then you (yes... different you) showed up and got upset with me over the first you.
And then a few other yous showed up and I was supremely confused by what the crap you were all doing. Especially Dora. Dora you should not have two kids yet. Nor should you side with... that one person.
And then I wanted to cry because I thought I had waded through my thoughts on the you-ness-ish stuff. The "what would I do in this situation crap" - Yeah, I have it all figured out. Had it all figured out.
But if my dreams have anything to say about it apparently I didn't. Cause I did something irrational last night. And then I got yelled at for it.
Stupid dreams.
You showed up and made what would have been a glorious nights sleep a complete wreck. Why did you make it that way? Because you sorta asked, and I did something impulsive. Something that I hope I wouldn't do in real life.
And then you (yes... different you) showed up and got upset with me over the first you.
And then a few other yous showed up and I was supremely confused by what the crap you were all doing. Especially Dora. Dora you should not have two kids yet. Nor should you side with... that one person.
And then I wanted to cry because I thought I had waded through my thoughts on the you-ness-ish stuff. The "what would I do in this situation crap" - Yeah, I have it all figured out. Had it all figured out.
But if my dreams have anything to say about it apparently I didn't. Cause I did something irrational last night. And then I got yelled at for it.
Stupid dreams.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Dear Mail Order Husband Service,
When you happen to send along Mr. Krystal, I'd appreciate it if he met certain specifications.
1. He must ADORE me. Completely and totally. In a "I can't bear the thought of living without you so can I please just up and take you to the temple already?" kind of way.
2. He must be an excellent conversationalist with great communication skills. Someone who can get me to look at different points of view, and who will listen to me and look at my views too. Someone who I can talk to for hours, who is also ok with silence. Also: Please no one with a quick temper. I have a goal of never getting into a fight with my husband ever, I'd like to keep that goal.
3. Physically: I've always liked runners. Strong and lean, no bulging muscles please. Not too tall, but tall enough to put his chin on my head comfortably. I'd prefer either green or dark brown eyes, and wavy brown hair. Hands that show that they know how to work and have fun... Oh, and the smile. Please give him a smile that'll make me go weak in the knees.
4. I'd like a gentle voice. One that I could be content to sit and listen to for hours. He doesn't have to be a singer, just a nice talking voice please.
5. Please make him a tease. He has to like teasing me more than anyone else, and he should do it everyday. But make him serious and practical sometimes too. And smart. Smarter than me please.
6. I want a dreamer with big ambitions. Someone who will plan adventures and go on them with me. A play mate. With a great laugh that he uses a lot while we are out adventuring. Someone who will let me be his equal, but isn't afraid to lead our adventures either.
I sincerely appreciate your consideration of my requests. Please don't send him too soon, as I have some things I need to accomplish before I can make accommodations for him in my life. However, in a year or two if you've found someone suitable please send him my way. Thank you so much for your helpfulness.
Sincerely,
Krystal
1. He must ADORE me. Completely and totally. In a "I can't bear the thought of living without you so can I please just up and take you to the temple already?" kind of way.
2. He must be an excellent conversationalist with great communication skills. Someone who can get me to look at different points of view, and who will listen to me and look at my views too. Someone who I can talk to for hours, who is also ok with silence. Also: Please no one with a quick temper. I have a goal of never getting into a fight with my husband ever, I'd like to keep that goal.
3. Physically: I've always liked runners. Strong and lean, no bulging muscles please. Not too tall, but tall enough to put his chin on my head comfortably. I'd prefer either green or dark brown eyes, and wavy brown hair. Hands that show that they know how to work and have fun... Oh, and the smile. Please give him a smile that'll make me go weak in the knees.
4. I'd like a gentle voice. One that I could be content to sit and listen to for hours. He doesn't have to be a singer, just a nice talking voice please.
5. Please make him a tease. He has to like teasing me more than anyone else, and he should do it everyday. But make him serious and practical sometimes too. And smart. Smarter than me please.
6. I want a dreamer with big ambitions. Someone who will plan adventures and go on them with me. A play mate. With a great laugh that he uses a lot while we are out adventuring. Someone who will let me be his equal, but isn't afraid to lead our adventures either.
I sincerely appreciate your consideration of my requests. Please don't send him too soon, as I have some things I need to accomplish before I can make accommodations for him in my life. However, in a year or two if you've found someone suitable please send him my way. Thank you so much for your helpfulness.
Sincerely,
Krystal
Monday, January 3, 2011
My 101 List
I got this idea from my friend. I made a list of 101 goals, I'm going to complete them in the 1001 days, which is almost 3 years from now. I'm supremely excited about it.
1. Make a snow angel
2. Get in a mud fight
3. Kiss in the rain
4. Place a Book of Mormon
5. Go through the temple
6. Write a children's book and send it in for publication
7. Bear my testimony in sacrament meeting at least every other month for a year
8. Wink randomly at a boy I really like
9. Go on a sunrise hike
10. Memorize 'The Living Christ'
11. Sleep under the stars
12. Attend the midnight premier of a movie
13. Complete a coloring book
14. Attach a note to a balloon and let it go
15. Sled down Old Main
16. Kiss someone at midnight on New Years Eve
17. Index 1001 names
18. Become CPR certified
19. Hike Mt. Timpanogas
20. Go to the Festival of Colors
21. Complete my Bachelor degree
22. Go on a junk-food fast for 3 weeks
23. Use dye to put a colored streak in my hair
24. Be a 100% Visiting teacher for over a year straight
25. Apply to graduate school
26. Build a kite and try to fly it
27. Obtain my passport
28. Make a bucket list
29. Anonymously give someone flowers
30. Own a little black dress
31. Make homemade Sushi
32. Pay off my student loan
33. Write a letter to myself in 10 years
34. Travel someplace outside of the U.S.
35. Save $5 for every goal I complete
36. Perform a song on my Oboe in sacrament meeting
37. Make a list of 1001 things I am grateful for
38. Read 3 books by C.S. Lewis that I have not previously read
39. Touch a snake
40. Say a prayer of only thanks once a week for 2 months
41. Get my wedding dress
42. Make pasta from scratch
43. Make my bed every day for 2 weeks straight
44. Find out if I like 'alfalfa'
45. Get my teaching license
46. Learn how to make good guacamole
47. Become comfortable driving a stick-shift
48. Do baptisms at all of the temples in Utah I have not previously visited
49. Donate my hair to locks-of-love
50. Go to bed before 11 every night for 2 weeks straight.
51. Purchase a pair of unneeded shoes that are not black, white, or brown
52. Put together a 72 hour kit for my car
53. Anonymously mail someone a 5 dollar bill with a note
54. Volunteer/do a service project at/for a children’s hospital
55. Pick out the songs for the soundtrack to my life
56. Attempt to snowboard
57. Read the entire standard works
58. Artistically paint a wall
59. Host a shower for someone
60. Try a new food every day for a week
61. Learn the basics of shorthand
62. Purchase a pair of rain boots
63. Learn how to change the oil in my own car
64. Read the entire conference Ensign three conferences in a row
65. Ask someone on a date
66. Get a pet fish
67. Get a recipe box and put recipes in it
68. Make a quilt
69. Turn my phone off and leave it off for 3 days
70. Go puddle jumping
71. Serenade someone who is not expecting it
72. Whistle a simple tune
73. Run a ½ marathon
74. Make a list of 5 people who have influenced my life and write them each a letter
75. Go Caroling
76. Sew a dress
77. Make homemade ice-cream
78. Buy New Jeans
79. Watch an astronomical wonder
80. Learn a new language
81. Learn a new piano piece
82. Go to a drive in movie
83. Write a list of 50 things I like about myself
84. Ask 10 friends to suggest a book and then read all of them
85. Be a vegetarian for a week
86. Go snowshoeing
87. Volunteer yard work services for someone who needs help
88. Complete an embroidery or cross stitch project
89. Find 3 new hikes and do them
90. Throw someone a surprise party
91. Own a different ‘confidence booster’ for every day of the week
92. Sleep on a trampoline
93. Purchase an Aggie sweatshirt
94. Find at least 3 family names and take them to the temple
95. Get engaged
96. Go fishing
97. Donate plasma
98. Make real lemonade by hand
99. Do an anonymous 12 days of Christmas for someone
100. Keep a miracle calendar for 3 months straight
101. Build a Sand Castle
START DATE: JANURARY 1st 2011
END DATE: AUGUST 27th 2013
1. Make a snow angel
2. Get in a mud fight
3. Kiss in the rain
4. Place a Book of Mormon
5. Go through the temple
6. Write a children's book and send it in for publication
7. Bear my testimony in sacrament meeting at least every other month for a year
8. Wink randomly at a boy I really like
9. Go on a sunrise hike
10. Memorize 'The Living Christ'
11. Sleep under the stars
12. Attend the midnight premier of a movie
13. Complete a coloring book
14. Attach a note to a balloon and let it go
15. Sled down Old Main
16. Kiss someone at midnight on New Years Eve
17. Index 1001 names
18. Become CPR certified
19. Hike Mt. Timpanogas
20. Go to the Festival of Colors
21. Complete my Bachelor degree
22. Go on a junk-food fast for 3 weeks
23. Use dye to put a colored streak in my hair
24. Be a 100% Visiting teacher for over a year straight
25. Apply to graduate school
26. Build a kite and try to fly it
27. Obtain my passport
28. Make a bucket list
29. Anonymously give someone flowers
30. Own a little black dress
31. Make homemade Sushi
32. Pay off my student loan
33. Write a letter to myself in 10 years
34. Travel someplace outside of the U.S.
35. Save $5 for every goal I complete
36. Perform a song on my Oboe in sacrament meeting
37. Make a list of 1001 things I am grateful for
38. Read 3 books by C.S. Lewis that I have not previously read
39. Touch a snake
40. Say a prayer of only thanks once a week for 2 months
41. Get my wedding dress
42. Make pasta from scratch
43. Make my bed every day for 2 weeks straight
44. Find out if I like 'alfalfa'
45. Get my teaching license
46. Learn how to make good guacamole
47. Become comfortable driving a stick-shift
48. Do baptisms at all of the temples in Utah I have not previously visited
49. Donate my hair to locks-of-love
50. Go to bed before 11 every night for 2 weeks straight.
51. Purchase a pair of unneeded shoes that are not black, white, or brown
52. Put together a 72 hour kit for my car
53. Anonymously mail someone a 5 dollar bill with a note
54. Volunteer/do a service project at/for a children’s hospital
55. Pick out the songs for the soundtrack to my life
56. Attempt to snowboard
57. Read the entire standard works
58. Artistically paint a wall
59. Host a shower for someone
60. Try a new food every day for a week
61. Learn the basics of shorthand
62. Purchase a pair of rain boots
63. Learn how to change the oil in my own car
64. Read the entire conference Ensign three conferences in a row
65. Ask someone on a date
66. Get a pet fish
67. Get a recipe box and put recipes in it
68. Make a quilt
69. Turn my phone off and leave it off for 3 days
70. Go puddle jumping
71. Serenade someone who is not expecting it
72. Whistle a simple tune
73. Run a ½ marathon
74. Make a list of 5 people who have influenced my life and write them each a letter
75. Go Caroling
76. Sew a dress
77. Make homemade ice-cream
78. Buy New Jeans
79. Watch an astronomical wonder
80. Learn a new language
81. Learn a new piano piece
82. Go to a drive in movie
83. Write a list of 50 things I like about myself
84. Ask 10 friends to suggest a book and then read all of them
85. Be a vegetarian for a week
86. Go snowshoeing
87. Volunteer yard work services for someone who needs help
88. Complete an embroidery or cross stitch project
89. Find 3 new hikes and do them
90. Throw someone a surprise party
91. Own a different ‘confidence booster’ for every day of the week
92. Sleep on a trampoline
93. Purchase an Aggie sweatshirt
94. Find at least 3 family names and take them to the temple
95. Get engaged
96. Go fishing
97. Donate plasma
98. Make real lemonade by hand
99. Do an anonymous 12 days of Christmas for someone
100. Keep a miracle calendar for 3 months straight
101. Build a Sand Castle
START DATE: JANURARY 1st 2011
END DATE: AUGUST 27th 2013
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
My Story
Books have always been a refuge for me. A marvelous way to slip into a different world for a few hours, make new friends, fall in love, cry, and fuel the fire of my own imagination.
Lately they don't satisfy the way they should though. Instead of leaving me with a delicious feeling of contentment, I find myself setting the book down and then starting a new one in my own head. A novel, where I am the heroine. Only, I don't know how the plot should go.
I'm finding that I am no longer content to just to read about happily ever after anymore, I don't want to imagine new places in my head... instead I want to write the stories myself. I want to go on an exciting adventure to someplace that I've only ever heard about. I want to discover a secret. I want to fall in love with someone real. I want someone real to fall in love with me.
I know that technically I'm living my own plot right now, and so far I like the story line, but I wish I could develop it further in the direction I want. But I can't. If there is one thing I've learned about life: it's always full of surprises. And we aren't always in total control of how our own story turns out. Guess I'll just have to learn to be patient as mine unfolds.
Lately they don't satisfy the way they should though. Instead of leaving me with a delicious feeling of contentment, I find myself setting the book down and then starting a new one in my own head. A novel, where I am the heroine. Only, I don't know how the plot should go.
I'm finding that I am no longer content to just to read about happily ever after anymore, I don't want to imagine new places in my head... instead I want to write the stories myself. I want to go on an exciting adventure to someplace that I've only ever heard about. I want to discover a secret. I want to fall in love with someone real. I want someone real to fall in love with me.
I know that technically I'm living my own plot right now, and so far I like the story line, but I wish I could develop it further in the direction I want. But I can't. If there is one thing I've learned about life: it's always full of surprises. And we aren't always in total control of how our own story turns out. Guess I'll just have to learn to be patient as mine unfolds.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Getting Ready
Last night as I dreamed I found myself standing in a dark room. I was wearing a wedding dress, and I knew that I was going to be married soon. As I sat there in pleasant contemplation of the blessed event, my Aunt and Mother rushed into the room, bringing with them a large plastic grocery bag. As Holly began to talk in a rapid-fire pace, describing what she was going to do to my hair as she pulled various curling and primping devices out of the plastic bag, I realized that my hair was not yet done. This didn't concern me much, for I knew I still had some time to get ready before I needed to go. And then, suddenly, I realized that I didn't have a ring. So I rushed into the adjoining room, which magically happened to be a ring shop, and started looking through the selection of rings. At this point of the dream my Dad entered the scene, and started loudly exclaiming: asking me what the devil I was doing picking out a ring when I needed to be over here having my hair done, and didn't I know that it was almost time to leave, and why hadn't I gotten everything ready earlier?
As a heightened state of panic started to set in, I realized that as happy as the prospect of getting married was to me, I was not ready. There were still things I needed to do.
I woke up laughing to myself.
And then I realized how loaded the dream really was. Last night I found myself talking with a group of single girls, and it was mentioned that one girl was engaged. The conversation turned to joking and laughing about finding 'Prince Charming' and wondering aloud why it seemed so quick and easy for some to find him and so hard for others. As I've thought about the whole marriage thing, I've realized that I am happy being single, but that doesn't mean that I don't want to get married in the hopefully not-too-distant future. As singles we tend to joke about getting married, and scoff at those who 'went and got married, and what were they thinking?' But secretly, I think we're all a little jealous, because in reality, we're all programed to want to find a partner, a buddy to help us out in life. And we're all just a little sick of the whole dating game, and excited for when it will be over. We'll enjoy the process, and the singleness while it lasts, but I don't think many of us will really lament when it ends and the next stage of life begins.
And then as I thought about it, I realized that Heavenly Father has been telling me something for quite a while, and I'm slowly starting to get it. He has some things he wants me to do, that I need to do while I'm single. And he isn't going to help me find my "Prince" until after I do them. I have to get ready, not just wait for him to turn up. So often I've viewed the whole dating and marriage thing as a waiting game. You know, Snow White taught us to sit on the wishing-well and sing "Someday my Prince will come..." but that just isn't how it works. Well, maybe for some people, but not for me. I can almost hear Father telling me, "Look, once you get this stuff done that I have for you, once you've learned these things I need you to learn, only then will all the pieces fall into place. I've got the plan. I know what's supposed to go down, but it's up to you to get ready and complete the things I've got for you, and then once you've finished up your chores then I'll help you move to the next part of life."
It's been interesting to think about. And obviously it's been more on my mind than I even realized, because it's started showing up in my dreams. Haha.
Isn't it great to know that God is in control?
As a heightened state of panic started to set in, I realized that as happy as the prospect of getting married was to me, I was not ready. There were still things I needed to do.
I woke up laughing to myself.
And then I realized how loaded the dream really was. Last night I found myself talking with a group of single girls, and it was mentioned that one girl was engaged. The conversation turned to joking and laughing about finding 'Prince Charming' and wondering aloud why it seemed so quick and easy for some to find him and so hard for others. As I've thought about the whole marriage thing, I've realized that I am happy being single, but that doesn't mean that I don't want to get married in the hopefully not-too-distant future. As singles we tend to joke about getting married, and scoff at those who 'went and got married, and what were they thinking?' But secretly, I think we're all a little jealous, because in reality, we're all programed to want to find a partner, a buddy to help us out in life. And we're all just a little sick of the whole dating game, and excited for when it will be over. We'll enjoy the process, and the singleness while it lasts, but I don't think many of us will really lament when it ends and the next stage of life begins.
And then as I thought about it, I realized that Heavenly Father has been telling me something for quite a while, and I'm slowly starting to get it. He has some things he wants me to do, that I need to do while I'm single. And he isn't going to help me find my "Prince" until after I do them. I have to get ready, not just wait for him to turn up. So often I've viewed the whole dating and marriage thing as a waiting game. You know, Snow White taught us to sit on the wishing-well and sing "Someday my Prince will come..." but that just isn't how it works. Well, maybe for some people, but not for me. I can almost hear Father telling me, "Look, once you get this stuff done that I have for you, once you've learned these things I need you to learn, only then will all the pieces fall into place. I've got the plan. I know what's supposed to go down, but it's up to you to get ready and complete the things I've got for you, and then once you've finished up your chores then I'll help you move to the next part of life."
It's been interesting to think about. And obviously it's been more on my mind than I even realized, because it's started showing up in my dreams. Haha.
Isn't it great to know that God is in control?
Monday, October 11, 2010
And so it begins...
I have had this goal since last year. And I promised myself that I was going to start it over the summer... and then I didn't... cause I'm a slacker like that.
Today I repented: I started writing my book.
That's right. A book! I'm so excited, and for some reason also insanely nervous. It's just going to be a short children's book. Dora is going to illustrate it, and then I'm going to say a prayer and we are going to send it to a publisher.
I've only got a few pages down. It's not even close to being finished, but at least I have a start. Finding an idea that I was actually excited about running with was hard. I've been looking for inspiration for the past month and a half. Today I finally stumbled across an idea that I am happy with. A title popped into my head, and so I sat down and started typing.
I was nervous about sharing; but I showed the beginnings to Dora and she was more excited about it than I thought she'd be, which made me feel good about my writing. I told her she could start drafting drawings now, and I am so excited to see them.
Hooray for chasing dreams!
Today I repented: I started writing my book.
That's right. A book! I'm so excited, and for some reason also insanely nervous. It's just going to be a short children's book. Dora is going to illustrate it, and then I'm going to say a prayer and we are going to send it to a publisher.
I've only got a few pages down. It's not even close to being finished, but at least I have a start. Finding an idea that I was actually excited about running with was hard. I've been looking for inspiration for the past month and a half. Today I finally stumbled across an idea that I am happy with. A title popped into my head, and so I sat down and started typing.
I was nervous about sharing; but I showed the beginnings to Dora and she was more excited about it than I thought she'd be, which made me feel good about my writing. I told her she could start drafting drawings now, and I am so excited to see them.
Hooray for chasing dreams!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Dream the Impossible Dream
I've been thinking lately... about wishes, and dreams. And I've been secretly building this new dream, one that looks fairly sketchy. It makes me happy to dream it, and scared that it won't come true. I've wondered if I should just kill it, or if I should just dream it anyways.
And then I remembered this great movie called "Secondhand Lions." Seen it? It's a very cute movie, and one of the main themes is that you choose what you want to believe in; just because something isn't true, realistic or even plausible does not mean you shouldn't believe it.
I'll bet most of us believe seemingly impossible things every day without realizing it. Impossible things regularly occur that we never stop to think about. Flowers bloom, people change, and because we get used to these small wonders we don't stop and think about how everything in life is miraculous.
So. I am going to choose to believe what I want. Even if other's may call it foolish, because God is over all. And because he is over all, and because I believe he wants me to be happy, I am going to feel free to dream big impossible dreams and believe in impossible miracles.
And then I remembered this great movie called "Secondhand Lions." Seen it? It's a very cute movie, and one of the main themes is that you choose what you want to believe in; just because something isn't true, realistic or even plausible does not mean you shouldn't believe it.
I'll bet most of us believe seemingly impossible things every day without realizing it. Impossible things regularly occur that we never stop to think about. Flowers bloom, people change, and because we get used to these small wonders we don't stop and think about how everything in life is miraculous.
So. I am going to choose to believe what I want. Even if other's may call it foolish, because God is over all. And because he is over all, and because I believe he wants me to be happy, I am going to feel free to dream big impossible dreams and believe in impossible miracles.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Broken Hearts
I just read a quote that I can really relate to right now... it said "Broken hearts give us strenth and understanding and compassion." I had never thought of that before.
I've been really bad at blogging this past month. Mostly because I've been busy, and because I have been head over heels for my 'boyfriend.'
Well... technically he's not my boyfriend anymore, and my heart is broken. I think that he is still going to come with me for a week in August to visit my family, at least I really hope he will, (and I'm still excited about that,) and I believe that there is potential for us maybe dating again at a later time. Right now for us though it just isn't right. We decided we are still going to be wonderful friends, and we decided that instead of saying it's a 'break-up' that we are going to call it 'stepping back.'
Honestly no matter what you call it it still hurts. But I am at peace with it. I've gotten stronger the past few days. I've been crying some, but they've been cleansing tears. I've been praying a lot, and I've realized that Heavenly Father has something he needs me to do right now, and this 'stepping back' needed to happen in order for me to do it. I've remembered that I am a strong person who can stand on her own two feet and whose happiness is independent of other people's actions. It was a good thing for me to remember.
So yes I think it's safe to say that my heart is a bit broken right now... but I think it's given me strength and understanding and compassion that I would not have had if things hadn't happened the way they did.
For all you other's out there who know what it is to have a broken heart, I can now empathize with you. And for all you out there who like me, used to be terrified of ever having a broken heart... don't be quite so scared of it. It hurts yes, but the things you learn from it are priceless. I've come to realize that no matter what, faith and hope are choices, and it's possible to have a lot of both, even if you aren't sure in what. As long as you remember that God is in control and knows what will make you happy then a broken heart can be a blessing.
So Bennett... if you ever read this, please know I'm not upset. I don't regret one minute of time we spent together. I do regret anything I said or did that might have made you hurt at all, and I'm sorry if I did. I've been able to grow a lot, and I'll always be grateful for what you taught me. Thanks for being my friend.
I've been really bad at blogging this past month. Mostly because I've been busy, and because I have been head over heels for my 'boyfriend.'
Well... technically he's not my boyfriend anymore, and my heart is broken. I think that he is still going to come with me for a week in August to visit my family, at least I really hope he will, (and I'm still excited about that,) and I believe that there is potential for us maybe dating again at a later time. Right now for us though it just isn't right. We decided we are still going to be wonderful friends, and we decided that instead of saying it's a 'break-up' that we are going to call it 'stepping back.'
Honestly no matter what you call it it still hurts. But I am at peace with it. I've gotten stronger the past few days. I've been crying some, but they've been cleansing tears. I've been praying a lot, and I've realized that Heavenly Father has something he needs me to do right now, and this 'stepping back' needed to happen in order for me to do it. I've remembered that I am a strong person who can stand on her own two feet and whose happiness is independent of other people's actions. It was a good thing for me to remember.
So yes I think it's safe to say that my heart is a bit broken right now... but I think it's given me strength and understanding and compassion that I would not have had if things hadn't happened the way they did.
For all you other's out there who know what it is to have a broken heart, I can now empathize with you. And for all you out there who like me, used to be terrified of ever having a broken heart... don't be quite so scared of it. It hurts yes, but the things you learn from it are priceless. I've come to realize that no matter what, faith and hope are choices, and it's possible to have a lot of both, even if you aren't sure in what. As long as you remember that God is in control and knows what will make you happy then a broken heart can be a blessing.
So Bennett... if you ever read this, please know I'm not upset. I don't regret one minute of time we spent together. I do regret anything I said or did that might have made you hurt at all, and I'm sorry if I did. I've been able to grow a lot, and I'll always be grateful for what you taught me. Thanks for being my friend.
Monday, May 24, 2010
A Series of Unfortunate Dreams
That is the name I would have to give my night last night. I had a whole slew of dreams... and in all of them something unfortunate happened.
---I was nervous about giving my sacrament meeting talk, and in one of the dreams the Bishopbric passed out dice and we had to roll them twice: once to find out our topic, and once to figure out how long we should speak for.
---In another dream I had a friend call me on the phone and tell me in a pleasant and conversational manner that he really didn't care for me at all.
---Then I had probably 3 or 4 others... which I remembered this morning, but can't anymore... in which very sad or frustrating things happened.
Wanna know how I reacted in each of these dreams? I took whatever bad thing happened in stride, and then tried to convince everyone else, and myself, that I didn't care. This made them seem really realistic, because I think that's how I deal with lots of disappointing and frustrating situations in life.
Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like if I didn't react so calmly. What would it be like to let loose and just yell at the world when something terrible happens to me. Do you think I'd feel better or worse about the situation?
Cause really.... trying to lie to myself and tell myself that I don't care doesn't really work. Deep down I know I care a lot, and I just want to pound somebody or something into the ground. But instead I'm a good, sweet girl, and I tell everybody that I'm just fine no matter what.
Maybe one of these days I'll choose to lose it. Then I can have an interesting story to tell you all.
PS: The Bishop didn't pass out dice... and I made it through my talk!
---I was nervous about giving my sacrament meeting talk, and in one of the dreams the Bishopbric passed out dice and we had to roll them twice: once to find out our topic, and once to figure out how long we should speak for.
---In another dream I had a friend call me on the phone and tell me in a pleasant and conversational manner that he really didn't care for me at all.
---Then I had probably 3 or 4 others... which I remembered this morning, but can't anymore... in which very sad or frustrating things happened.
Wanna know how I reacted in each of these dreams? I took whatever bad thing happened in stride, and then tried to convince everyone else, and myself, that I didn't care. This made them seem really realistic, because I think that's how I deal with lots of disappointing and frustrating situations in life.
Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like if I didn't react so calmly. What would it be like to let loose and just yell at the world when something terrible happens to me. Do you think I'd feel better or worse about the situation?
Cause really.... trying to lie to myself and tell myself that I don't care doesn't really work. Deep down I know I care a lot, and I just want to pound somebody or something into the ground. But instead I'm a good, sweet girl, and I tell everybody that I'm just fine no matter what.
Maybe one of these days I'll choose to lose it. Then I can have an interesting story to tell you all.
PS: The Bishop didn't pass out dice... and I made it through my talk!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes
"Have you ever had a dream? Something you wanted so bad you'd do anything?" -Hercules
"Yeah, I had a dream once. I dreamed that I was going to train the greatest hero there ever was. So great, that the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars, all across the sky! And people would say: 'That's Phil's boy. Yeah, that's right.' But dreams are for rookies. A guy can only take so much dissappointment." -Phil
I usually label my self an optimist. A silly dreamer, who believes in happy endings. Unfortunately I have a hard time seeing happy endings for myself, which makes me start to wonder if I am a Hercules or a Phil.
I think it's interesting that Phil and Hercules were both dreamers. I think everyone is at heart. The only big difference I see between the two (besdies muscles, good looks and a bit of height...) is of course the type of dreams they had. Hercules had a dream that depended entirely on his own hard to work to win it. Phil's dream required a second player though, someone to help his dream come true.
I think in life we all have a mix of the two dreams. Hercules type dreams are tough, but if we want it badly enough, bad enough that 'we'll do anything' for it, then we can get it eventually. The world will try to get us down and tell us we can't make it, which is what makes these dreams so hard.
I think the Phil type dreams are sometimes tougher though, because they depend on the agency of another person. Sometimes I think I tend to look down on Phil for his cynical attitude towards life, but then I remember that I react the same way when given his situation.
Have you ever had a Phil dream that wasn't coming true? You've tried to achieve it, and when you can't you decide it'll be easier to talk yourself out of it. Your Odysseus, Perseus, Thesuis and Achilles (sorry I butchered those spellings, but you know what I mean; your first few attempts...) all let you down - so you tell yourself that you are going to let go of your dream, as if that is an easy thing to do. Maybe it's a Hercules dream that is looking impossible, so you start to recite your own version of Phil's, "dreams are for rookies" mantra.
Do you think it's possible to let go of dreams? And I'm not talking about the little ones, the: "I hope that cute boy calls me this week..." or "I want to go to Africa someday" types. No, I'm talking about the ones you've been dreaming about for ages. The ones that keep you up at night just wishing and pondering. The ones that send a thrill through your spine when you dare to hope they'll come true. The big ones. Do you think we ever let go of them really?
Maybe we just change them. Tweak a bit here, and pull a string there so that it is more realistic.
Perhaps they break when unfulfilled, and we're left to pick up the pieces that are salvagable and put them together into a new dream.
Or maybe they live in our hearts forever, regardless of it they ever come true.
I don't really know. And I don't really need to know. I just needed a place to put my silly thoughts. Lately I've been contemplating a few of my dreams. Some are distant, some are fragile, and some are precious. A few I don't quite know if they are broken or not. Some I wish I could wash away with a bucket of soapy water and some elbow grease.
But let's face it. I'm a dreamer. I always have been. And I think that's ok.
It hurts when dreams are broken, but I need to keep reminding myself not to give up on them. Regardless of if they are Phil dreams or Hercules dreams, I think we should let our imaginations run wild with as many special dreams as we can. Because "You've got to have a dream. If you don't have a dream... how you gonna have a dream come true?"
"Yeah, I had a dream once. I dreamed that I was going to train the greatest hero there ever was. So great, that the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars, all across the sky! And people would say: 'That's Phil's boy. Yeah, that's right.' But dreams are for rookies. A guy can only take so much dissappointment." -Phil
I usually label my self an optimist. A silly dreamer, who believes in happy endings. Unfortunately I have a hard time seeing happy endings for myself, which makes me start to wonder if I am a Hercules or a Phil.
I think it's interesting that Phil and Hercules were both dreamers. I think everyone is at heart. The only big difference I see between the two (besdies muscles, good looks and a bit of height...) is of course the type of dreams they had. Hercules had a dream that depended entirely on his own hard to work to win it. Phil's dream required a second player though, someone to help his dream come true.
I think in life we all have a mix of the two dreams. Hercules type dreams are tough, but if we want it badly enough, bad enough that 'we'll do anything' for it, then we can get it eventually. The world will try to get us down and tell us we can't make it, which is what makes these dreams so hard.
I think the Phil type dreams are sometimes tougher though, because they depend on the agency of another person. Sometimes I think I tend to look down on Phil for his cynical attitude towards life, but then I remember that I react the same way when given his situation.
Have you ever had a Phil dream that wasn't coming true? You've tried to achieve it, and when you can't you decide it'll be easier to talk yourself out of it. Your Odysseus, Perseus, Thesuis and Achilles (sorry I butchered those spellings, but you know what I mean; your first few attempts...) all let you down - so you tell yourself that you are going to let go of your dream, as if that is an easy thing to do. Maybe it's a Hercules dream that is looking impossible, so you start to recite your own version of Phil's, "dreams are for rookies" mantra.
Do you think it's possible to let go of dreams? And I'm not talking about the little ones, the: "I hope that cute boy calls me this week..." or "I want to go to Africa someday" types. No, I'm talking about the ones you've been dreaming about for ages. The ones that keep you up at night just wishing and pondering. The ones that send a thrill through your spine when you dare to hope they'll come true. The big ones. Do you think we ever let go of them really?
Maybe we just change them. Tweak a bit here, and pull a string there so that it is more realistic.
Perhaps they break when unfulfilled, and we're left to pick up the pieces that are salvagable and put them together into a new dream.
Or maybe they live in our hearts forever, regardless of it they ever come true.
I don't really know. And I don't really need to know. I just needed a place to put my silly thoughts. Lately I've been contemplating a few of my dreams. Some are distant, some are fragile, and some are precious. A few I don't quite know if they are broken or not. Some I wish I could wash away with a bucket of soapy water and some elbow grease.
But let's face it. I'm a dreamer. I always have been. And I think that's ok.
It hurts when dreams are broken, but I need to keep reminding myself not to give up on them. Regardless of if they are Phil dreams or Hercules dreams, I think we should let our imaginations run wild with as many special dreams as we can. Because "You've got to have a dream. If you don't have a dream... how you gonna have a dream come true?"
Monday, March 29, 2010
I think I'm afraid of my own ambition
I've been thinking a lot about my future lately. You see... I only have two more semesters before I finish my bachelors degree. That is... assuming I can figure out some way to pay for the next two semesters. All of my scholarship money that I am currently recieving runs out this semester.
So, assuming all things financial pan out... the plan is to finish my bachelors in a year, and have a bona fide teaching license.
Yes ladies and gentleman, I will have a piece of paper that says I'm allowed to teach children in a school. And not only will this piece of paper say that I'm allowed to teach, but it will say that I am dang good at teaching, because apparently ''USU is the Harvard of Special Education programs.'' (According to my ABA Professor).
Weird right?
But the thing is, I don't really want to use the piece of paper. Nope. I want to put it someplace very safe, and then leave my family for a year and a half to go on a mission. This is once again assuming I find a way to pay for it (I will probably sell my car and that should cover a great deal of it.)
And then when I get back... am I going to teach? Nope. Because I'm nuts. I want to go to graduate school when I get home. Not to get a better teaching license... I want to go to school to be an Occupational Therapist, who works with children with special needs, and has an emphasis in the Assistive Technology aspect of it. Which means, when I get back from my mission I have to take a bunch of prerequisite courses, then apply to grad school, and then try to survive grad school. How will I pay for this insane ambition you ask?
No idea. I may have to teach to earn my way through graduate school. Yikes.
So that is what (hopefully) the next 5 years of my life will look like. And after I get all of these pretty pieces of paper and have a bunch of wonderful experiences, (I think it would also be insanely cool to stick a study abroad in there somewhere...) I want to get married, and be a stay at home Mom. I wouldn't mind working part time with my OT license, but I don't want to do anything big with it.
Knowing that I don't really want to have a career... do you realize how difficult it is becoming to muster the courage to face my ambitions? But down beneath all of my fears of failure and burnout and my insane desire to be done with school already... there is this quiet assurance that if I do in fact make it, I will be insanely proud of myself. I will be better prepared to face life, and if I need to work, I will be able to get a job that I could love, that would pay well. And at this point, that quiet resolve is the only thing motivating me to face my own ambitions.
So, assuming all things financial pan out... the plan is to finish my bachelors in a year, and have a bona fide teaching license.
Yes ladies and gentleman, I will have a piece of paper that says I'm allowed to teach children in a school. And not only will this piece of paper say that I'm allowed to teach, but it will say that I am dang good at teaching, because apparently ''USU is the Harvard of Special Education programs.'' (According to my ABA Professor).
Weird right?
But the thing is, I don't really want to use the piece of paper. Nope. I want to put it someplace very safe, and then leave my family for a year and a half to go on a mission. This is once again assuming I find a way to pay for it (I will probably sell my car and that should cover a great deal of it.)
And then when I get back... am I going to teach? Nope. Because I'm nuts. I want to go to graduate school when I get home. Not to get a better teaching license... I want to go to school to be an Occupational Therapist, who works with children with special needs, and has an emphasis in the Assistive Technology aspect of it. Which means, when I get back from my mission I have to take a bunch of prerequisite courses, then apply to grad school, and then try to survive grad school. How will I pay for this insane ambition you ask?
No idea. I may have to teach to earn my way through graduate school. Yikes.
So that is what (hopefully) the next 5 years of my life will look like. And after I get all of these pretty pieces of paper and have a bunch of wonderful experiences, (I think it would also be insanely cool to stick a study abroad in there somewhere...) I want to get married, and be a stay at home Mom. I wouldn't mind working part time with my OT license, but I don't want to do anything big with it.
Knowing that I don't really want to have a career... do you realize how difficult it is becoming to muster the courage to face my ambitions? But down beneath all of my fears of failure and burnout and my insane desire to be done with school already... there is this quiet assurance that if I do in fact make it, I will be insanely proud of myself. I will be better prepared to face life, and if I need to work, I will be able to get a job that I could love, that would pay well. And at this point, that quiet resolve is the only thing motivating me to face my own ambitions.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Under Lock and Key
Do you ever lock your dreams away inside of you? You take a dream, not an ordinary dream, but a dream that is so special to you it's almost sacred, and you put it in a box, shut and lock the box, and then you tell yourself that you aren't wishing for it anymore-
-but you are sorta lying to yourself.
Because you are still wishing for it, but because the dream is so fragile, and you want it so deeply, you pack it away and convince yourself that if it never comes true it will be just fine. It won't hurt when it doesn't come true because it is packed away in a corner, and you'll leave it there to gather dust, like a trunk in a musty attic.
However, secretly you are wishing and planning and hoping- if by some miracle the dream starts to look like a possiblity, then you'll climb into the attic, find the box, bring it back out, dust it off, unlock it, pull out your dream, and set it free. And when it is free and can finally come true- that's the day you'll allow yourself to really believe in fairytales. That's the day when you'll realize that it's ok to have fantastic hopes, because that'll be the day you'll realize that sometimes wishes do come true- even when they look completely impossible for the time being. That's the day you'll understand that you should treasure hope...
So here's to hoping that I get to climb into my attic in the future, because for now, I'm putting a very special dream up there under lock and key.
-but you are sorta lying to yourself.
Because you are still wishing for it, but because the dream is so fragile, and you want it so deeply, you pack it away and convince yourself that if it never comes true it will be just fine. It won't hurt when it doesn't come true because it is packed away in a corner, and you'll leave it there to gather dust, like a trunk in a musty attic.
However, secretly you are wishing and planning and hoping- if by some miracle the dream starts to look like a possiblity, then you'll climb into the attic, find the box, bring it back out, dust it off, unlock it, pull out your dream, and set it free. And when it is free and can finally come true- that's the day you'll allow yourself to really believe in fairytales. That's the day when you'll realize that it's ok to have fantastic hopes, because that'll be the day you'll realize that sometimes wishes do come true- even when they look completely impossible for the time being. That's the day you'll understand that you should treasure hope...
So here's to hoping that I get to climb into my attic in the future, because for now, I'm putting a very special dream up there under lock and key.
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