Cookiecrumb Musings: I think I'm afraid of my own ambition

Monday, March 29, 2010

I think I'm afraid of my own ambition

I've been thinking a lot about my future lately. You see... I only have two more semesters before I finish my bachelors degree. That is... assuming I can figure out some way to pay for the next two semesters. All of my scholarship money that I am currently recieving runs out this semester.
So, assuming all things financial pan out... the plan is to finish my bachelors in a year, and have a bona fide teaching license.
Yes ladies and gentleman, I will have a piece of paper that says I'm allowed to teach children in a school. And not only will this piece of paper say that I'm allowed to teach, but it will say that I am dang good at teaching, because apparently ''USU is the Harvard of Special Education programs.'' (According to my ABA Professor).

Weird right?

But the thing is, I don't really want to use the piece of paper. Nope. I want to put it someplace very safe, and then leave my family for a year and a half to go on a mission. This is once again assuming I find a way to pay for it (I will probably sell my car and that should cover a great deal of it.)

And then when I get back... am I going to teach? Nope. Because I'm nuts. I want to go to graduate school when I get home. Not to get a better teaching license... I want to go to school to be an Occupational Therapist, who works with children with special needs, and has an emphasis in the Assistive Technology aspect of it. Which means, when I get back from my mission I have to take a bunch of prerequisite courses, then apply to grad school, and then try to survive grad school. How will I pay for this insane ambition you ask?
No idea. I may have to teach to earn my way through graduate school. Yikes.

So that is what (hopefully) the next 5 years of my life will look like. And after I get all of these pretty pieces of paper and have a bunch of wonderful experiences, (I think it would also be insanely cool to stick a study abroad in there somewhere...) I want to get married, and be a stay at home Mom. I wouldn't mind working part time with my OT license, but I don't want to do anything big with it.

Knowing that I don't really want to have a career... do you realize how difficult it is becoming to muster the courage to face my ambitions? But down beneath all of my fears of failure and burnout and my insane desire to be done with school already... there is this quiet assurance that if I do in fact make it, I will be insanely proud of myself. I will be better prepared to face life, and if I need to work, I will be able to get a job that I could love, that would pay well. And at this point, that quiet resolve is the only thing motivating me to face my own ambitions.

1 comment:

Snoopy said...: Hey, hey, stop describing me... :) I like that you mentioned the internal drive that keeps you going, because that's what keeps me going, too, and I think that can be more powerful than anything else. You can do it, I'm super excited for you!; March 30, 2010 at 8:20 AM

Crumbs for thought

“God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as he always has. But he can't if you don't pray, and he can't if you don't dream. In short, he can't if you don't believe.” - Jeffrey R. Holland
"The heart has its reasons that reason knows nothing of." -Blaise Pascal, Pensées
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
"No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations." - Elder Uchtdorf
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." -Mahatma Ghandi
"Life itself is a most wonderful fairytale." -Hans Christian Anderson
“I wanted a perfect ending, now I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious amiguity.” -Unknown
"Come what may and love it!" -Joseph B. Worthlin
"You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip." -Jonathan Carroll
"There should be times when you and I leave tears on our pillows out of gratitude for what God has given us." - Niel A. Maxwell
“Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow; Don't walk behind me, I may not lead; Walk beside me, and just be my friend.” -Albert Camus
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." -Eleanor Roosevelt
“Forget about all the reasons why something may not work. You only need to find one good reason why it will.” –Dr. Robert Anthony
"Help others in the race of life, remember when you help someone up a mountain you are a little bit closer to the top yourself." -Jeffrey R. Holland
"As I grow to understand life less and less, I learn to love it more and more." Jules Renard
"When one door closes another opens. But often we look so long so regretfully upon the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us." -Helen Keller
“Love is the feeling you feel when you feel you are feeling a feeling you feel you have never felt before!” -Unkown
"Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly." -Lanston Hughes
"And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year: 'Give me a light, that I may tread safely into the unkown.' And he replied: 'Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the Hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safe than a known way."' M. Louise Haskins
"Never suppress a generous thought." -Camilla Kimball
"God has infinite attention to spare for each one of us. He does not have to deal with us in the mass. You are as much alone with him as if you were the only being He had ever created. When Christ died, he died for you individually just as much as if you had been the only man or woman in the world." -C.S. Lewis
"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." -Albert Einstein
"True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well being of ones companion." -Gordon B. Hinckley
"Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us dragons exist, but because they tell us dragons can be beaten." -G.K. Chesterton
"Hope mends shattered dreams, and makes them more beautiful than they were before."
"When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you sometimes find that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside of you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it." -A. A. Milne
"There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one single candle." -Unkown
"All the water in the world, however hard it tries, can never sink the smallest ship, unless it gets inside. All the evil in the world, the blackest kind of sin, can never hurt you in the least, unless you let it in." -Unknown
“A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.” –Maya Angelou
"Imagination is more important than knowledge." Albert Einstien
"I believe in myself. I do not mean this in an egotistical way. But i believe in my capacity and in your capacity to good, to make some contribution to the society of which we are a part, to grow and develop, and to do things that we may now think impossible... I believe in the principle that I can make a difference in this world. It may be ever so small, but it will count for the greater good." -Gordon B. Hinckley
"Tomorrow is fresh, with no mistakes in it." Lucy Maud Montgomery
"Life is like an echo or a mirror: we get out of it what we put in." -Unknown
"I ran up the door, and shut my stairs. I said my pajamas, and put on my prayers. I turned off my bed, and jumped into my light, and all because he kissed my goodnight!" -Unkown
"All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible." T.E. Lawrence
"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." -Winston Churchill
"A sure testimony is the most valuable possesion a person can have. It gives him the knowledge, the hope, and assurance that he himself can, through obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel, become a partaker of all the promised blessings." -Marion G. Romney
"Never be afraid to trust an unkown future to a known God." -Corrie Ten Boom
“There is something you must always remember… you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think… but the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.” ~Winnie the Pooh
"If you judge people you have no time to love them." -Mother Teresa
"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience." -Teilhard de Chardin
"There is no curse or evil spell, that’s worse than one we give ourselves. There is no sorcerer as cruel as the proud angry fool. And yet we cry “life isn’t fair,” beneath our cries the truth is there, the power that will break the spell we should know, very well, is locked within ourselves." -Rigoletto
"All of our dreams can come true, if only we have the courage to pursue them." -Walt Disney
"Men do less than they ought, unless they do all they can." -Thomas Carlyle
"Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. 'Pooh!' he whistpered. 'Yes, Piglet?' 'Nothing,' said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. 'I just wanted to be sure of you.' " -A.A. Milne
“The things you do for yourself are gone when you are gone. The things you do for others remain as your legacy.” -H. David Burton
"When obedience ceases to be an irritant and becomes our quest, in that moment God will endow us with power." -Ezra Taft Benson
"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals."
"Make a motto in life, always try to assist someone to carry his burden. The true key to happiness in life is to labor for the happiness of others." -Heber J. Grant
"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail." -Ralph waldo Emerson
"I have wept in the night for the shortness of sight that to somebody's need made me blind. But I never have yet felt a tinge of regret for being a little too kind."
"Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll end up among the stars!"
"Don't ask for a light load, but rather ask for a strong back."
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Life has its share of some fear and some failure. Sometimes things fall short, don't quite measure up. Sometimes in both personal and public life, we are seemingly left without strength to go on. Sometimes people fail us, or economies and circumstances fail us, and life with its hardship and heartache can leave us feeling very alone. But when such difficult moments come to us, I testify that there is one thing which will never, ever fail us. One thing alone will stand the test of all time, of all tribulation, all trouble, and all transgression. One thing never faileth-- and that is the pure love of Christ." -Jeffrey R. Holland
"Hope is the dream of a waking man." French Proverb
"Be one who nutures and builds. Be one who has an understanding and a forgiving heart, who looks for the best in people. Leave people better than you found them." -Marvin J. Ashton
"You shouldn't compare yourself to others; they are more screwed up than you think."
"Genuis is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration." Thomas Edison
"In one corner of the world squatted a sullen, sulking, friendless darkness. Suddenly a tiny light appeared. It was very small but it was a light. Someone had put it there. It just stood there and sent out its rays. A passerby remarked to the light: "Don't you think you would be of more use somewhere else and not in this God-forsaken corner?" "Not really," said the little light. "I shine because I am a light. And because I shine, I am a light. I don't shine in order to be seen, but so that others could see in the dark." When the gloomy darkness heard this, it gritted its teeth and full of fury, tried to put out the light. But the gigantic darkness was powerless against this tiny light that wanted to shine." -Unknown
"Smile, even when you're sad. You never know who may be falling in love with your smile."
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
"When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don't blame the lettuce. You look into the reasons it is not doing well. It may need more fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or our family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all." -Thich Nhat Hanh
"Success is becoming the best that is in you." Linda Louise Elsinger
"Wouldn't it be nice if we looked at people and jellybeans and liked them all? And didn't just pick out the pretty and smart people or the red and black beans, but loved them all for what they are?"
"You can be wise and happy, or stupid and miserable. The choice is yours." -Gordon B. Hinckley
"You know you're in love when you can't sleep... because reality is finally better than your dreams." -Dr. Seuss
"Some people pray for mountains to be removed, what they need is the courage to climb them."
"One small good deed is infinitely better than the greatest intention."
"No matter if they stop and stare. No person, ever, anywhere, can make me feel that what they see is all there really is to me." Karen Beaumont
"A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for." -John A. Shedd
"A man sees in the world what he carries in his heart." -Johann Wolfgang Goeth
"We could learn a lot from crayons: some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors... but they all have to learn to live in the same box."
"Fly. If you can't fly, run. If you can't run, walk. If you can't walk, crawl. But whatever you do, keep on moving."