My Story

Books have always been a refuge for me. A marvelous way to slip into a different world for a few hours, make new friends, fall in love, cry, and fuel the fire of my own imagination.

Lately they don't satisfy the way they should though. Instead of leaving me with a delicious feeling of contentment, I find myself setting the book down and then starting a new one in my own head. A novel, where I am the heroine. Only, I don't know how the plot should go.

I'm finding that I am no longer content to just to read about happily ever after anymore, I don't want to imagine new places in my head... instead I want to write the stories myself. I want to go on an exciting adventure to someplace that I've only ever heard about. I want to discover a secret. I want to fall in love with someone real. I want someone real to fall in love with me.

I know that technically I'm living my own plot right now, and so far I like the story line, but I wish I could develop it further in the direction I want. But I can't. If there is one thing I've learned about life: it's always full of surprises. And we aren't always in total control of how our own story turns out. Guess I'll just have to learn to be patient as mine unfolds.

What I want for Christmas:

There are a lot of things I'd like to find wrapped under the tree on Christmas morning: the pair of wellingtons I told my Mom about, or maybe a new book or pair of blue jeans. But those are just silly in comparison to the things that I really want.

Here is my own Grown-up Christmas List:

I wish that everyone could find a way to put Christ back into Christmas. For everyone. I wish everyone would remember his birthday, and I wish so desperately that everyone would be willing to do something to make his birthday special for him.

There is someone who I love dearly, who I have never heard bear their testimony. I used to pray every year, I told Heavenly Father that I'd happily give up other things if I could just know that this particular person really believed the beautiful truths of the Gospel. I'm still waiting for that prayer to be answered. I'm still willing to give up the same things for it.

There is someone else, someone else I care for deeply, who needs an 'aha moment.' (Yes, some of you are smiling and/or rolling your eyes because you know what that means.) I'd cry from sheer joy if they had that moment, and then did something about it. My little heart aches at even the thought.

I wish that all of 'my girls' will feel the Spirit of Christ in their lives this weekend. I hope they'll all be surrounded by family members who love them, and that person who they so carefully selected a gift for, I hope they'll get to relish the look on their face as they open the gift she wrapped for them. I hope a few of them get caught under the mistletoe, and I hope that all of their grown up worries are wiped away for a few days.

There are a few other people, who are worried and stressed and tired. People who have sorrow in their lives, people who I care for more than I can express. I wish that I could give them the answers they are looking for. I wish I could wipe away some of their cares and concerns.

And this one is impossible, but I really wish that I could be in two places at once this weekend. I wish I could roll my eyes at my Mom as she makes us march up the stairs in height order on Christmas morning, and watch the look on her face as everyone discovers with delight the goodies that have been so carefully placed in their stockings. I'm glad I'll be able to watch the grin on my Dad's face as his kids open their carefully wrapped presents, but oh how I'll miss my white Utah Christmas!

"I lead a small life...

'Well, valuable, but small. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it? Or is it because I haven't been brave?" -You've Got Mail

Sometimes I wonder the same thing.

Sometimes I wake up and wonder how the heck I got to where I am. I marvel at the twists and turns in life's bumpy road.

And other times... other times I look around and marvel at the basic predictability of my life. And it's made me question: do I make life decisions based on what I want and know is right... or do I do things because 'that's just what you're supposed to do next'?

I like my life. I feel like I am doing what I should be, and that brings much peace and happiness. But when I try to plan for the future I get nervous and afraid. And then I start to wonder....

Why is it that most people can simultaneously want to follow the crowd and be different from everyone else?

Why do I feel so fickle? And so uncertain?

Why isn't it easier to find a way to make my heart and head line up more often?

What are my motives? Sometimes I make decisions, and then I examine my motives to see if they are right, and I realize that I don't know exactly what my major motives are. And I become very confused.

I guess part of life is about learning to understand yourself. *Sigh*

You should know that

this December we get to celebrate the birth of the most glorious being to ever walk upon this earth. He happens to be my best friend, and I want to tell you some of the reasons I think he is so wonderful.

I was eleven, and I'd never been more alone... I cried to him, and he came to me -- wrapped me in his arms, and told me that he loved me. He does that a lot. In fact, he was there for me during those months when I lied to myself and everyone else... saying that I was happy when I wasn't. He held me. He got me through. Sometimes he comes himself, and sometimes when I cry to him he sends an angel to watch over me. No matter what, he never lets me down.
Another thing I love about him is that he is really good at listening. In fact, he's the best at listening. That summer evening a year and a half ago when I prayed over something that may have been silly... but was so valuable to me... he answered. More than answering, he cared. And those times when I prayed because I needed help, he showed me the best way to go. And sometimes when he has answered, but I wasn't listening very well, he's been patient and repeated himself.

I'm not a very good friend to him yet, but I'm working on it. Because he's so great, he's very patient with me. He's shared his love for other people with me. Did you know that he loves YOU a lot? More than a lot actually... he loves you perfectly. He knows everything about you. ALL the good, ALL the bad, and everything in-between, and he loves you still. There isn't anything you can do that will make him stop caring. I promise you that.

His name is Jesus Christ. And I want you to know that I believe him. I mean, I know he's the Savior of the world... but more than that, I believe what he said. I believe he wants me to be happy. I believe he can make me happy if I just let him into my life. I believe that he can make you happy too. But you have to let him. You have to trust him enough to do the things he says. He won't force you to be happy, but he will show you how, because he's great like that.

Did you know that a lot of people forget his birthday? Sometimes I'm not very good at remembering it myself... but this year I'm going to be better. I'm going to help someone that he wants me to help. That's going to be one of my gifts to him. I'm going to bear my testimony this season... that will be another gift. I can't give him a lot, but I can give him my heart, which is the most valuable thing I have to give. I know it will make him happy. I know he'll be even more happy if you give him your heart too. Not just part of it, but all of it. It'll be scary to do, but I want you to know that he'll take care of it. And he'll make you happier than you ever dreamed if you give it to him.

There are lots of other people who are good friends with Christ. They believe him. In fact, a lot of them are better friends to him than I am, I admire them and want to be more like them. Elder McConkie was a very good friend of Jesus. I love his testimony, he said: "I am one of his witnesses, and in a coming day I shall feel the nail marks in his hands and in his feet and shall wet his feet with my tears. But I shall not know any better then than I know now that he is God’s Almighty Son, that he is our Savior and Redeemer, and that salvation comes in and through his atoning blood and in no other way."

Can you picture it? That day when you will kneel before the Savior of the world and bathe his feet with your tears? That day when He'll pull you into his arms, and you'll know you are home. That day when you can whisper thank-you, mean it more sincerely than you ever have before, and know that despite it's inadequacy it will be accepted by Him.

I hope that you know this too. I hope that you have a Happy Christmas, and I hope that you will take a moment to stop and remember the real reason we are celebrating. I hope you'll whisper a thank-you to Him on Christmas Eve. And I hope you listen when He whispers back.

This afternoon

I skipped my very last ever official class before I get my bachelors degree so that I could fill out an application for a program to go teach English abroad.

I MUST BE CRAZY!

"I've got sunshine, on a cloudy day..."

I know, I know, two posts in one day is a lot... but I wanted to talk ok? Plus it's my blog and I can do what I want with it, so there.

This afternoon I found myself leaving my apartment in a a hurry... for I knew that I was going to be late to class. As I scurried up the street I looked up to see a gentleman from my ward (who happens to be an extremely attractive specimen of man-flesh, just so you know.) I was approaching the street that he was crossing, and as I noticed him he turned his head towards me. I thought I was too far away for him to recognize me... but then he kept looking. And looking. And looking. For a very much longer-than-normal sort of time. And so finally I raised my hand in a timid wave, (thinking to myself as I did so that he was probably looking at something or someone other than myself,) and to my genuine surprise, he waved back! I like to imagine that he smiled as he waved, but alas, I was too far away to tell.

So then, I turned the corner and hurriedly began the steep ascent against the general flow of traffic, all the while marveling to myself that I could be so lucky as to have such a dashing young man notice me. When out of the blue I hear an excited "Krystal!" and look up to see two beautiful Camilles smiling and waving at me. I responded in like, and before the smile even had time to fade from my mouth, I was punched playfully in the arm by another wonderful girl named Leisl.

Before I had made it halfway to class I saw no fewer than seven people who all know my name. And it's only a 12 minute walk for me to get to my class! I felt so loved. When I contrast the creature who bounced up the hill today, saying hello to friends as she hurried along her merry way, with the the solitary mouse who walked the same sidewalk with a very different attitude two years ago, I can't help but be amazed. Two years ago the girl walking to class viewed her world as lonely and constricted. But the girl who walked up the hill today, thoroughly grateful for the wonderful friend network she has, was not the same girl. They may look very similar. They may even share the same name, but they are definitely not the same girl. And I am grateful for that.

I heard once that the most beautiful word in any language is one's own name. I wholeheartedly believe that. I love hearing my name come out of other people's mouths, especially when it is said in a tone of excitement or tenderness. So hearing my own name so many times in so short a walk, was music to my ears. People shouldn't wear headphones as they walk around campus, because they are missing the opportunity to listen to the ring of their own name as it comes off of other's lips. I have the greatest friends. Oh golly. I love my life!

Getting Ready

Last night as I dreamed I found myself standing in a dark room. I was wearing a wedding dress, and I knew that I was going to be married soon. As I sat there in pleasant contemplation of the blessed event, my Aunt and Mother rushed into the room, bringing with them a large plastic grocery bag. As Holly began to talk in a rapid-fire pace, describing what she was going to do to my hair as she pulled various curling and primping devices out of the plastic bag, I realized that my hair was not yet done. This didn't concern me much, for I knew I still had some time to get ready before I needed to go. And then, suddenly, I realized that I didn't have a ring. So I rushed into the adjoining room, which magically happened to be a ring shop, and started looking through the selection of rings. At this point of the dream my Dad entered the scene, and started loudly exclaiming: asking me what the devil I was doing picking out a ring when I needed to be over here having my hair done, and didn't I know that it was almost time to leave, and why hadn't I gotten everything ready earlier?

As a heightened state of panic started to set in, I realized that as happy as the prospect of getting married was to me, I was not ready. There were still things I needed to do.

I woke up laughing to myself.

And then I realized how loaded the dream really was. Last night I found myself talking with a group of single girls, and it was mentioned that one girl was engaged. The conversation turned to joking and laughing about finding 'Prince Charming' and wondering aloud why it seemed so quick and easy for some to find him and so hard for others. As I've thought about the whole marriage thing, I've realized that I am happy being single, but that doesn't mean that I don't want to get married in the hopefully not-too-distant future. As singles we tend to joke about getting married, and scoff at those who 'went and got married, and what were they thinking?' But secretly, I think we're all a little jealous, because in reality, we're all programed to want to find a partner, a buddy to help us out in life. And we're all just a little sick of the whole dating game, and excited for when it will be over. We'll enjoy the process, and the singleness while it lasts, but I don't think many of us will really lament when it ends and the next stage of life begins.

And then as I thought about it, I realized that Heavenly Father has been telling me something for quite a while, and I'm slowly starting to get it. He has some things he wants me to do, that I need to do while I'm single. And he isn't going to help me find my "Prince" until after I do them. I have to get ready, not just wait for him to turn up. So often I've viewed the whole dating and marriage thing as a waiting game. You know, Snow White taught us to sit on the wishing-well and sing "Someday my Prince will come..." but that just isn't how it works. Well, maybe for some people, but not for me. I can almost hear Father telling me, "Look, once you get this stuff done that I have for you, once you've learned these things I need you to learn, only then will all the pieces fall into place. I've got the plan. I know what's supposed to go down, but it's up to you to get ready and complete the things I've got for you, and then once you've finished up your chores then I'll help you move to the next part of life."

It's been interesting to think about. And obviously it's been more on my mind than I even realized, because it's started showing up in my dreams. Haha.

Isn't it great to know that God is in control?

One of those days:

Ever feel like you are a few days overdue for a good cry?
And yet you aren't quite sure what you should cry about...

Yeah. Me too.

Let me just get on a soapbox for a moment...

I've discovered that typical usage of the terms open-minded and close-minded bother me. Really bother me. Mostly I think because people so often use them as a way to put someone down. "Well, so-and-so is close-minded," or "such and such a group is close-minded, they refuse to see the other side of the story." People tend to pair being close-minded with being judgmental and ignorant.
Very very rarely will anyone ever label themselves as close-minded though. Instead they phrase it nicely: "I thought about it, but I know I'm right." or "I just don't know enough about it, but that's fine." When it's personalized, we say that we are sticking to our guns, or that we are just naive.

I decided what my personal definition of 'close-minded' is. It's not someone who isn't open to ideas... it's someone who stops searching for truth and knowledge. Someone who is fine to stay at their current level of understanding. Which is actually ok sometimes. If you've researched it and thought about it and explored it, and made up your mind, it's alright to have a solid opinion. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

The reason it bothers me so when someone pins anyone else with the label of close-minded is because I think that most of the time they're refusing to put themselves in that person's shoes. I personally have no right to judge where anyone else is coming from or what their experiences have led them to believe. It's not my job to decide who is right and who is wrong, and nobody else has that job either. Instead it's my job to decide what I believe. Everyone is close-minded sometimes. We all get lazy and quit looking for new ideas and truth, but that doesn't mean that we should start putting each other down.

Sorry. Rant is now over :)