Ok. So there have been a number of people in my life, mainly gentlemen, who have told me that I am intimidating/scary. Only none of them ever tell me why, and I have not been able to understand it. Last night I was talking to my arch-nemesis, and he mentioned again that I was scary. He says this a lot, and I asked him why he thought that. He couldn't tell me... but he could tell that it bothered me that people have said that to me and no one can explain it.
Then last night before going to bed I checked my e-mail, and there was a letter in my inbox from him. The subject line stated: "Why you are scary."
With my curiousity aroused and a feeling of nervousness in my middle I opened the e-mail, and this is what I read:
I figured it out. I was trying to sleep and my brain was doing that funny "process everything that happened today" thing and *bing* I figured out why you are scary. Its the same reason my trainer was freaking annoying sometimes.
Its motives, and yours never seem transparent.
Like sometimes I can figure out what the crap people want out of me. But with you its like I never really know. I have no idea. You feel like you are always pushing for something (and maybe you are and maybe you aren't) but you refuse to let on to what the crap it is. It almost feels like you don't think you have control unless the other person doesn't have any clue what you are doing. That is why you are scary. Its because its hard to tell what you really want.
That is how I feel, but that is just me.
Umm, you are still a really nice person. I know this. I don't doubt your motives are good most the time. Just because I said what I saw doesn't mean I saw correctly, just that that's the way you feel to me.
Have a nice day.
And when I finished reading it, I sat there in a mild state of surprise and shock, because he just taught me something about myself. Something that I'm not sure I like.
He hit the nail on the head when he said "It almost feels like you don't think you have control unless the other person doesn't have any clue what you are doing." Because I usually don't like it when other people 'figure me out.' I don't like it when someone else knows exactly what I want. Mostly because I have such a hard time making up my mind. And when I do make it up, usually I wish that I could control what I want and change it. I want to want what I think I should want, instead of just wanting what I want. (Hopefully that makes some semblance of sense.)
Also -- I HATE feeling like other people feel pity for me.
For instance: If I admit something means a lot to me, and then I don't get it, then people pity me... and I don't want them to do that. I'd rather pretend that I'm always ok and just be silently disappointed. Or try to convince myself that I never really wanted it anyways. Cause disappointment is easier to deal with that way. It's so much easier to just convince myself that I'm going to be ok than it is to convince everyone else too.
Also: if I figure out what I want, then I feel an obligation to fight for it. If I admit to myself something means a lot to me, then I will fight for it. Therefore: I am super careful about what I work for, because I don't have the energy to fight for everything.
So I think the reason Mr. Arch-Nemesis told me that I'm scary because my motives are blurry is because sometimes when I am interacting with someone I find myself acting as if I want one thing; but I don't want to want that... so I change my word choice, or actions, or thoughts mid-sentence or mid-conversation so that they line up with what I wish I wanted. Or what I think I want. Or what I want but just temporarily forgot I want... and then this probably is confusing to whomever I'm talking to. 'Cause I do it lots in some conversations.
Ok now I'm just rambling. Because this is profound, and I'm discovering this part of myself that I've never thought about before... but I haven't completely figured it out yet.
And now dear people who are sweet enough to bother to read this silly little blog of mine: What do you think about all this? Am I scary? Why or why not?
6 comments:
I feel cool that you called me a dear sweet person because I read your blog.
I actually found it rather enlightening to read this email, because although I don't necessarily peg you as "scary," I actually can see right where Mr. Arch-Nemesis is coming from. When I think about it, he's right, it can be extremely difficult to read you, what you want, what you really down deep think, etc. While that doesn't necessarily "scare" me or intimidate me, I think he's right that you seem like that sometimes. I don't know if it's a bad thing, it would all depend on your reasons for keeping yourself obscure, and you discussed a lot of those reasons. I think what's more important than the fact that you do it is why you do it, and that reason is how you can decide if it's an okay characteristic or something that you don't like about yourself. I can understand it though, because I sometimes do that too - especially to people who haven't "proven" themselves to be trustable friends to me. I understand the idea of pretending something isn't actually important, or not wanting to be "figured out" because once someone figures you out, it leaves one feeling very vulnerable to the world. Not always pleasant.
Not going to lie, this was intriguing to read, both in thinking about you and me as well.
I don't think you're scary. I think you're AWESOME X 100000000!! Seriously, you are! :D
Dearest Krystal,
You are one of the nicest girls that I know. You have always been so warm and welcoming to me. I have never experienced a time (other than when we are playing Wacky Six or whatever that game is called)where you have made me feel scared.
Mr. Arch-Nemesis is just one person and although his opinion is important I don't think that this is an issue you should worry too much about. There are so many people around you that love you and care about you and I am sure that they feel the same what that I do. Now unless you have been abusive or intimidating to Mr. Arch-Nemesis, he has no reason to be frightened of you. I understand his letter and thoughts, but how would this make you a scary person?
Love you always :)
Alex
I left you a deleted comment earlier, which I suppose you are curious about.
It said something vague about your shadow.
And it also said that I can't be too afraid of you, because I'm rather fond of you, even if you are my arch-nemesis.
Have a nice night.
Dear Sweet one - -
What you fail to realize----is that it is ALWAYS the male species that is telling you that you are scary. And that is because you tend to keep your cards close to your chest!! That is not all bad...however....it is easier to win(or at least have fun cheating) when you share what you have with others. You need to learn to trust others...and not think that they are expecting you to behave such and such a way..... And realize it is not pity others feel for you when you dont get what you want. They are genuinely sad for you - - -that is what love and friendship are truly about! Keep figuring.....your doing great!
Much love to you!!
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