Faking it....

I frequently explain to people that my motto in life is "Fake it till you make it."

I love this motto, and so far it has worked really well for me. Basically I figure if I fake something long enough, then eventually it becomes a reality. Like: can fake being smart until I am. Or I can fake being tough until I become that way.

I have this image in my mind. It's a picture of me, only it's not me yet. It's an image of a perfect Krystal. A Krystal who loves everyone; who finds and brings out the best in them. Who is kind and strong and good. A Krystal who knows how to listen to the Spirit, and who knows what to say to make someone else's day better. She's forgiving and charitable. She's constantly engaged in good works and service. She's a Krystal who always gives good advice, and who understands people. She is talented and educated and obedient to God's commandments; a Krystal who reflects the light of Christ in her eyes. She laughs everyday; she sings and hums and skips and spends time finding the tender mercies and silver linings of life. She is organized, and thoughtful. She is confident and graceful and self-assured. She's who I want to be.

But she isn't real yet.

I pretend really hard that I am her. I pretend really hard that I don't care about some things and that I care desperately about others. I fake and fake and fake, and then sometimes I stop. Temporarily. When I am alone I allow myself to stop because I am tired of fighting so hard. I pause because faith is hard. I stop because I am terrified to go on. I'm terrified that I won't become perfect Krystal.

The Krystal of the present is not graceful. She falls a lot. She isn't always obedient, and she isn't always kind. Her faith is lacking, and her life disorganized. She's not self-assured, and she has to work to find silver linings and laughter sometimes. She feels lonely a lot. She has a hard time accepting help. She is ignorant, selfish and petty. She's weak. She also has a very hard time forgiving herself for being so weak.

Sometimes I wish that I didn't have to pretend so hard, But I'm going to keep faking it. I'm going to become perfect Krystal one day. And knowing that I can do it with the help of the Lord is really empowering.

So here's to faking my way into perfection. Sometimes people tell me how they admire me for a specific trait, and I think in my head, "haha, I sure have them fooled." And then I get excited because I realize that I am becoming something better than I am. Faking it is starting to work for that particular trait. I'm grateful when people point out what they percieve as strengths because it helps me to know that I'm actually getting somewhere on my path to being 'perfect Krystal.'

Unfortunately, I've started to realize that there are some things that I can't seem to change, no matter how much I fake. These are usually emotions. I can't fake my way out of loneliness. I cannnot pretend that I've given up some dreams when I haven't. Only time and the Lord can change them, and he is teaching me patience as I sit and wait for his will for me to be realized. As I've started to realize that there are some things I can't fake my way out of, I've noticed a flaw in my image of perfect Krystal. Perfect Krystal has everything figured out. She understands everything. I need to let go of this part of her, because God is the ONLY one who understands everything. I can fake my way into a lot of things. I can fake my way into being kind and confident and educated. I cannot fake my way into knowing everything, and I think instead of wishing that I could understand everything, I instead need to fake my way into always being happy and excited about the Lord's plan for me.

I'm sorry. This is long and probably full of tangents, but I needed to write until I understood the misconception that I had in my head. The one about perfect Krystal knowing everything. As I've typed I've been able to sort through my head and figure out that I shouldn't want to understand everything: because first off, I need to have more faith. And secondly, life would be a lot more boring if I did understand everything.

Homemaking

I was a good girl today, and I had so much fun! I slept in, went to class, and then went running with Sharlee. We came home, and decided to have a mopping party. We moved the kitchen table and chairs into the living room, and then dumped a bunch of soapy water all over the floor. I skated around with rags on my feet while Sharlee danced with the mop. Who knew cleaning could be such fun?





After that we threw on aprons and decided to go on a cooking frenzy. Two and a half hours later we had marinated cucumbers, stuffed peppers (filled with the deliciousness of cream-cheese, meat and spanish rice, all topped with cheese), banana bread (in the form of muffins), homemade french-fries (with lots of chili powder!!) and fry sauce. Dinner was pure heaven, if I do say so myself.




We stayed in our yucky sweaty running clothes the entire time, and felt great about it I will have you know.

I love cooking, especially with my roommates. We have WAY too much fun pretending to be brilliant homemakers ;D

Reprimand of Love

Today in institute we talked about righteous anger. We determined that rightous anger comes out of love, a desire to help someone improve. It never occurous out of the heat of the moment, and the Spirit always accompanies it. The Spirit is actually what gets to do the real reproving.

It reminded me that I was called to repentance yesterday by the Spirit. For something I didn't even really realize was a problem to be honest.

Saturday night I had a melt down. I think this was because I was extremely tired. Friday night and saturday morning were spent at a RS Retreat where I simply feasted on the Spirit; it was so strong. I've discovered that intense doses of the Spirit are exhausting on the body. Hence my state of tiredness. Because I was exhausted I was quiet, and reflective, and melacholy. And then my adorable and innocent roommate did and said some things that reminded me of a set of memories I have been trying to banish from my thoughts. These are not bad memories, they just generally tend to put me in a sad mood, and so I try to avoid them. Anyways, combine the memories leading to a state of melancholy with my extreme tiredness... and I found myself laying in bed and shaking while the tears just leaked out.

Then: Yesterday I had about a bazillion meetings. Ok... not quite that many, but let's just say I was doing church stuff for NINE STRAIGHT HOURS. And as I was sitting in a fireside in the course of my busy day, the sweet wife of President Whitsides started talking about how important it is to trust the Lord. I think the Stake President talked about it a bit to... and somewhere in the middle of something someone was saying, it hit me. The reason that I had a meltdown the previous night is because I haven't yet placed my complete confidence in my Lord. Actually, this is the reason that I've had a lot of mini-meltdowns over the past while. And I could feel the Spirit telling me that I need to fix that. It was a righteous reproach by a loving Heavenly Father, telling me that if I trusted him more then I wouldn't have to be sad as frequently.

I want to fix this. But I have to confess that I don't really know how. I can pray harder, or read my scripture more, or keep myself more busily engaged in the work the Lord has asked me to do right now; but I'm scared that even that won't work.

And I'm ashamed to admit, part of me doesn't really want to change, because I like being melancholy sometimes. My roommate tends to put her arms around me when I have my mini-meltdowns, or she brings me ice-cream, or she helps me do stupid activities so that I forget why I'm sad, or she just listens. And I like that. I like letting her patch me up.

I trust God. I know that he will make things in my life work out for the best. I've been telling myself that over and over. But more importantly, He's told me. In fact around 1 o'clock on saturday he told me that he would make everything I was worried about right.
And yet I still fret. And despite the fact that he told me he'd take care of me at 1pm, I still had a melt down at midnight... not even a full 12 hours later. And so the Spirit had to kick me in the middle of a lovely meeting and tell me that I need to knock it off.

Guess I'd better set to work....

Gen-Ed Blues

Do you even know how ridiculous it feels to go back to gen-ed courses when you are used to being in a program and specialization where your largest class contains no more than 40 people, and your smallest is only 15? Where every single one of your professors knows you by name... and where you refer to each of your class's not by their title, (because you don't know the title), but by the Professor's first name? (i.e. Scott's class, and Trina's class, etc...) Where you work your tail off, every day, but you don't mind so much because you enjoy what you are studying and you know it's going to get you somewhere...

Yeah, it's nice to go back to the squishy-easy-autopilot mode sometimes... but I'm finding that gen-ed bugs me a whole lot more than I remember it bothering me.

Oh well. Life could be worse right?

Tonight for my "Dress and Humanity" class we had a talent show. I made a dress out of blue and purple bandanas, it was actually pretty cool if I do say so myself (both the show and my dress). I enjoyed the project; I do not enjoy going to that class. It's RIDICULOUS. Easy yes, but ridiculous nonetheless. Just so you know. If you decide to take it don't you dare say you weren't warned.

Yeah. For all you out there who are getting ready to start your program, I am so excited for you. It's so cool to get out of gen-ed. Just don't be dumb like me and decide to go back for seconds once you get out.

Ok. Gen-ed isn't all that bad. I actually like my Anthropology class, not gonna lie. It's just pathetically easy. But I shouldn't complain about that I guess. Haha. I'm feeling so fickle tonight.

Prayers are more in order than congratuations people...

So in case you couldn't guess... I got called as the Relief Society President in my ward. Well, over half my ward anyways. And people seem to find this sort of thrill when they can introduce me and say, "This is Krystal, THE Relief Society President." Which I have absolutely no idea how to react to....

Many people also seem to think that it is appropirate to congratulate me on my new calling, which I pretty much don't get. I do not view this whole new adventure as something worthy of congratulations, as if I have just earned a medal. I think I would much rather have someone say, 'Good luck... I'll pray for you.' While perhaps patting me on the back. That would be much easier for me to react to, and much more comforting.

Don't get me wrong, I feel super blessed to have the opportunity to serve the sisters in my ward, and I've already noticed blessings in my life: I can remember names better than usual, I've noticed that I care deeply about and can feel the Lord's love for girls that I barely know, and I have also felt the Spirit's influence in my life stronger.

I've also noticed something else happening to me... how I act is a bit different. My whole life the Relief Society President was a lady to look up to, someone to aspire to be like... and now my view has been completely thrown off. The night I got called I got home, opened my scriptures, and read that "it is by small and simple things that great things are brought to pass." And I realized that the Lord calls the weak things of the earth to accomplish his purposes. Therefore: I must be pretty dang weak if he is calling me to watch over everyone else. I'm the weakest of all the girls in the ward! But yet I'm supposed to be the example. Therefore I sometimes find myself thinking things like: "Well, I'd better do that because that's what a good Relief Society President would do." Or... "I can't do that, I'm the Relief Society President." This is both a blessing and a curse. I've definitely been better behaved than I was before anyways...

In addition to my behavior changing, I've also noticed people looking at me differently. It kind of makes me uncomfortable; there is this silent assumption of the type of person I am, as well as a stigma instantly attached to my forehead whenever someone decides to mention that 'she's the Relief Society President.' It's an instant expectation I feel I am not qualified to meet. And I find myself wanting to yell, "But I'm still a real person!! In fact I'm the same person I was a week ago, so quit looking at me like that!" Argh.

Ok. I'm done ranting now, and now I can go back to smiling and pretending like I've got everything together. Because a good Relief Society President has it all together right? hahaha... I feel like a joke kinda. Oh well. I am grateful for the call to serve, terrified I'm going to screw it up, and super happy to know that I have wonderful people and a loving Heavenly Father who all have my back. So ready or not, here I go!

Flying Death!

Sharlee and I went hiking up to the wind-caves last week. For any of you who have not had the pleasure of seeing the wind caves I will just tell you that they are sweet. As part of the area there is a piece of narrow, but flat rock that juts out from the side of the mountain. It tapers to a point and then pretty much just drops off. If a body is brave enough to climb out onto the ledge, it makes for some pretty insanely cool pictures. I was standing out on the edge of it, feeling the wind and just kinda marvelling at how pretty the mountains are, and these are the type of thoughts that started to run through my head:

'Ya know, these wind-caves are pretty sweet. And this wind right now feels pretty good. Why are they called that? Duh, probably because the wind carved them out. Wait-- I'll bet the wind would have to get pretty strong up here sometimes to do that to those rocks. Hmm. Strong wind. It's a good thing the wind isn't any stronger or I might be a little frightened to stand out here on this ledge. I wonder how many people have ever gotten picked up by the wind.... You know, that might actually feel kinda cool if I got blown off the top of this rock. It's a super long way to the bottom, but I'd get to feel like I was flying for a while. Wait a second...'

And then I opened my mouth and called over to Sharlee, "Oh my gosh! I just figured out how I want to die!"

I then proceeded to explain my plan. One day I when I am older I want to hike to the top of some really tall mountain. Preferably with a ledge (like the windcaves) and then while I am standing up there... I want the wind to pick me up and blow me off the top. And then I will get to experience the sensation of flying for a while, and hopefully I'll be high enough up that my death will be super quick once I hit the bottom.

She had one improvment: If I happened to have a heart attack mid-air, then I would get to die while feeling the sensation of flying, instead of dying shortly after the crunch at the bottom.

I think it's pretty much brilliant! What do you think?

Add 4 Ounces of Humility....

I'm not sure why, but for the last few days I've felt a bit melancholy. I think it's in part because there are a few people that I really miss spending time with... and I wish I could stop thinking about them... but... *sigh.* Anyways.

There is a bigger reason for my feelings though: I've realized that the Lord trusts me way too much. I accepted a calling tuesday -- and technically I'm not supposed to say what it is until after I'm sustained tomorrow. But seeing as no one will be reading my blog tonight probably, I don't feel too bad giving a hint: think of the worst possible scenario. Yup. That's right. That's me. And I actually said I'd do it. Meh.

My last post I talked about how I was grateful to be able to see the Lord's hand leading my life. And I meant every word -- but I am really wishing that he didn't trust me quite so much. I'm definitely not good enough for this. Not even close. I know, I know -- I've just got to trust him and follow the Spirit and he'll magnify me if I do my very best. Ok... yeah, I KNOW it'll work out. But knowing that isn't going to stop me from feeling inadequate.

I've realized that I've been way too selfish in my life for the past while. And I mean WAY too selfish. Therefore: now it's time to quit thinking about myself. I think that's what he's going to teach me next. In fact, I can almost hear him saying, "Haha kiddo... You're kinda proud and selfish, so let's line you up for the humility and service lessons next. Good luck!" I know I need to stop focusing on what I need and what I want and how to get it; I need to start focusing on other people, what the Lord wants me to do and how to serve.

Unfortunately knowing that is the easy part -- doing it is the rough part.

So: say a little prayer for me will ya? I need all the help I can get.

Aha!

Do you ever have 'culminating moments' in your life? Your experiences, direction, lessons... your whole life -- all the seemingly random bits and pieces that have led you to where you are now somehow converge in your mind, and you temporarily glimpse a bigger scheme. God's hand becomes clear, and you KNOW that he has put you right where you need to be.

One of those moments... where it feels like the sun is breaking through the clouds. Or the hallelujah chorus should start playing. It feels so... BIG.

I had one of those moments last night. It was/is a huge blessing for me right now. That moment when confusion melted, and I was allowed to understand for a brief second. Mind you, I don't understand everything... not even close. But the understanding that Heavenly Father does have a plan for me and he is using me, that's really all I needed to get.

I know I'm probably not making any sense at all... so I'll just leave you with a promise to explain in greater detail later on ;)

I am completely caught up on homework...

It's 11:45 on Labor day morning.

I have zero plans for the rest of the day.


What to do? What to do?

Last night was so much fun!

Wanna hear some of the crazy things that were said?

"Have you ever licked me?" -Riley
"You mean while you were awake?" -Paul

"Tell them about the prostitutes..." -Dalon
"They were supposed to stay in the car." -Riley

and...

"I'm supposed to stay away from people like you." -Krystal
"Why?" -Riley
"Because the Stake President told us to avoid temptation." -Krystal


Common thread... yeah. Hehe. It was a wonderful night. Riley is definitely good to have around if you want a chuckle or two.

Taking Care of Myself...

I have this flippin emotional disorder ---- it creates a sometimes unhealthy compulsion for me to prove to myself that I can take care of myself. I don't care if anyone else knows that I can take care of myself, they can view me as dependent if they want. As long as I personally KNOW that I can take care of my own needs: financially, physically, and especially emotionally, after I've proved that to myself... then I could probably let someone else help me out.

Only thing is, I don't know if I'll ever prove that to myself because I'm realizing that it's just not possible for me to 'have it all together.'

I try and I try, over and over, to make it look like I've got everything figured out. I figure if I pretend hard enough that I'm superwoman then maybe I'll turn into her. And sometimes I convince myself that I have things figured out, and life is wonderful... for about 5 seconds. And then something falls apart, or I realize that I don't have as much control as I thought I did - and I get frustrated with myself again.

It's horrible. I shouldn't expect myself to be so put together all the time. It should be ok to fall apart.... right? I wish I could convince myself to not be such a control freak.

I've fallen in love with this song... it's called Broken. Most of it goes like this:

Broken clouds give rain
Broken soil grows grain
Broken bread feeds man for one more day

Broken storms yield light
The break of day heals night
Broken pride turns blindness into sight

Broken souls that need his mending, broken hearts for offering...
Could it be that God loves broken things?

Broken chains set free
Broken swords bring peace
Broken walls make friends of you and me

To break the ranks of sin, to break the news of him. To put on Christ till his name feels broken in.

Broken souls that need his mending, broken hearts for offering...
I believe that God loves broken things.

Yet our broken faith, our broken promises, send love to the cross; and still that broken flesh, that broken heart of his, offers us such grace and mercy... covers us with love undeserving.

This broken soul that cries for mending... this broken heart for offering...
I'm convinced that God loves broken things.

Praise his name, my God loves broken things!

I've started listening to it, especially when I need to remind myself that it's ok to be broken. It's ok to not have everything put together. It's ok to not be superwoman... because God loves broken things. He loves a broken me!


I guess you are probably worrying a little that I'm falling apart right now. That isn't true. I have been an extremely happy person the last 4 days. Everything in my life was going right. I had my 5 seconds of feeling like I was on top of life...
5 seconds of feeling like I could take care of myself....

And then I found out that one of the jobs I was planning on having this year has fallen through, and I won't be able to work at the lab school anymore.
It's not a huge bump in the road, and I'll figure out a way around it... but it was mindly annoying, frustrating, and enough to remind me that my life isn't entirely in my own control. I don't have as good of a handle on things as I thought I did.

So I'm just going to keep reminding myself that that is ok.

The Night Before Life Goes On....

I watched Muppet Treasure Island with my Mom and sister. Love that movie! (I always forget how funny it is until I watch it again.) I also had some great conversations... and I started packing. Super intense right? You'd think I'd do something slightly more exciting with my last day of real summer before my life changes again, but I wouldn't change today even if I could. It's been perfect.

This 'moving phase' time of the year has been very different from the last two I've experienced -- both of those years I was afraid of what was in front of me. I clung to summer with all my might and willed that it would never end. This year I am just plain old excited to see what is around the bend, it's a pleasant change to my normal emotional reaction to moving on.

I learned a lot this summer. And returning to Logan I will be a much different person than I was when I left. I'm stronger. I trust the Lord more, and I trust myself more too. Lately I've started to accept myself more, and I've begun to accept the upside down parts of my life as they are. I've learned that stressing about some things won't make them go away -- and I can be happy with how things are even when they aren't how I'd choose to have them. I've learned more fully that God really is in control, and I trust him with my future. I know that as long as I do the best I can he'll take care of the rest. I've learned better how to hand my burdens over to him, and I've felt the atonement work in my life - it lifts me up and makes me feel so light! I've learned that it's completely ok to screw up, because that's how we learn! I learned it's ok to be happy while you make mistakes and attempt to fix them, it doesn't have to be a dismal business. I've learned other things too... but if I listed all of them this post would never ever end.

Sorry if this is super nostalgic, but I tend to get that way when I can feel that my life is about to change again. I think it's good for me to reflect on the things I learned and be grateful for the experiences, both good and bad, that have turned me into the person I am. My testimony of God's hand in my life only grows with each phase I go through.

So here's to the past. Here's to lessons learned, and growing up. Here's to moving on, and most of all here's to the people in my life that love me and make me want to be better. Here's to a loving Heavenly Father that saves me from myself by not always giving me what I want. I am so excited to see what adventure he has in store for me next, and I'm so excited for the fun times I'll be able to have this semester!!

UTAH STATE HERE I COME AGAIN!

Question:

How do you draw a line between "giving up" and "moving on?"

Is there a difference between them?

No Longer Wise!

I lived! And the experience hasn't been nearly as awful as was anticipated. I went into the oral surgeons office completely and totally exhausted, because I had only had 4 hours of sleep the night before. And the night before that I'd only had three and half hours of sleep. So being put to sleep felt great. The last thing I remember before dropping off was feeling grateful that he was strapping my arms up because I was worried they were going to fall off the chair. The first thing I remember after waking up was groaning, a lot. And then being surprised when he told me it was over.

There were only two things I wanted when I woke up. The first was to have the bandage taken off my arm (because it pinched). The other was a hug. I was grateful for my Mom being there to supply the latter... however apparently I told her I wanted a hug from someone else, which I now feel very bad about. I don't remember telling her this, but she does. Ah, the joys of anesthesia...

Anywho. I got home and took a nap. This is what I looked like when my Mom tucked me into bed:



And then that night before I went to bed:



Not too shabby right? Although I couldn't move my mouth any farther than this. My smile has definitely been impaired. This morning I woke up feeling fantastic. After I took a shower this is what I looked like:



My smile is still impaired. And my face feels super fat. I will admit my face is a lot more chubby tonight than this picture shows... but overall I don't think I look too completely shabby for just barely having oral surgery right? My cheeks have been super duper pink all day, but I guess that's better than them being bruised black and purple....

I was super excited this morning because I felt so great, then this afternoon everything seemed to hit me like a ton of bricks and I've kinda been down for the count ever since. But that's ok! I've had some lovely friends bring me applesauce and pudding, and my Mom has been making sure I don't slack off on taking care of myself: making sure I take drugs and eat enough mashed potatoes for dinner and whatnot.

I'm grateful to have it over with, and I'm even more glad to know that I never have to have my wisdom teeth removed again!!

'I have this nervous feeling in myself...'

Oh my heck. My stomach has been queasy off and on all week. Argh!

I'm getting my wisdom teeth out on friday at noon. I'm very nervous. I went to a consultation with the oral surgeon yesterday. He informed me that my teeth are a bit more difficult than the average person, and I shouldn't be surprised if I end up with a stuffy nose after surgery (my top teeth are right next to my sinus cavity, and I should expect to not eat anything hard for about a week afterwards at least... but that it shouldn't be too bad of an experience for me. He explained the procedure like this:

'Well, you'll come in and we'll put you on some laughing gas, which will make you feel all nice and relaxed. Then we'll numb a site and put an IV in, and then you'll just drop nicely off to sleep and when you wake up it'll all be over! We try to make it a pleasant experience.'

And I wanted to snort and say: 'Yeah, pleasant experience my foot. I'm not worried about the part when you rip them out of my head... I'm worried about the after part duh.'

But I held my tongue.

And now I'm at home drinking pineapple juice because a friend told me that if I drink it for a few days in advance then I won't swell up as much. I looked up his claim online and found out that it is totally legit. Crazy huh?

Anyways... I'm a tough cookie. Actually not really. But I usually pretend really hard that I am. I'm going to fess up to being a bit worried though... because 3 days after surgery I'm going to my cousins wedding. And then after a whole day of smiling and being happy, I'm going to get on an airplane... and I don't like airports. So I am probably going to be grumpy and tired and miserable.

To sorta increase the tension, I feel like my Mom is freaking out too. And she half-attempted to talk me into doing surgery later because she is worried that I'll have difficulty taking care of myself when I leave on my trip. I assured her that one: I can take care of myself, and two: as an added bonus, my friend who traveling with me can help take care of me too. But she looked at me like I was crazy and told me that she thinks this friend will tell me to suck it up and she doesn't think he'll take good care of me at all.


Either way I'm determined to be fine.

Despite the determination I am still really nervous... mostly because I'm a wuss and I've never had surgery before. And my middle area is reminding me all the time how nervous I am.

Hopefully the pineapple juice helps my stomach...