Tonight I found myself talking to Alan. For some reason... I'm not exactly sure how it came up... but we were talking about my nonexistent dating life. Alan told me that the reason I don't often get asked out is because I am 'too amazing.'
I was extremely tempted to argue with him, but I bit my tongue, and thanked him for the complement.
He was proud of me for doing so :D
BUT. I don't believe that lie. I mean seriously, how many of us have heard the whole: "well, you are too intimidating, you are beautiful and amazing, so all the boys are too afraid to ask you out" spiel? Do any of you really buy it?
I never have. I've always felt that the 'you are too amazing and intimidating' line was just a fancy way of saying "I don't know what is wrong with you, but I'd like to make you feel better, so if I tell you that you're amazing that might just get me off the hook of having to say anything else."
So... I decided to tell Alan that I've never believed that line. And then he decided to share with me his 'Pretty Girl Theory' -- which he said I was a classic example of.
His theory went something like this:
You see weird crazy girls getting married all the time... which causes other girls, who aren't quite so bizarre, to sit back and think, 'what the heck is wrong with me?' But really... the only thing that is wrong, is that they are too pretty and too intimidating for the nice humble mormon boys to ask out, because these boys think that they aren't good enough to get a beautiful, nice, and cool girl. They won't ask the pretty ones out, because they figure there are lots of 'better guys,' therefore she couldn't want to be with them.
So then, there are also the jerk mormon guys, who will only ask out the really pretty girls, because all they want to do is have some fun, until the girl dumps him, and then he moves on.
So, when you get a girl who is both beautiful, and who sticks up for herself and lives her standards, then you run into a problem. Because all the normal guys are too scared, all the jerk guys won't bother because they know she won't put up with them, and that leaves the girl sitting at home wondering why the only guys who ever occasionally call are the extremely bizarre ones that can sometimes be a little creepy.
Ok. Does anyone else think that this is just an elaborate edition of the 'you are too intimidating' line? Cause I think it kind of is. I know plenty of girls who are both completely beautiful, and talented and amazing, and they are dating wonderful guys. So what I wanted to ask was... why does the "Pretty Girl Theory" apply to me and not to them?
Now I have to quickly insert a disclaimer. ***I am not complaining that I am not currently dating anyone. I am happy as a clam at the moment, and quite enjoying being single. This is all just food for thought, because I'm tired of trying to convince people they don't need to feel bad for me.***
Now that that's off my chest and clarified....
The terrible thing about this scenario tonight was that I couldn't tell him that I didn't buy into what he was saying... because he was sitting there telling me that I am beautiful and wonderful and great, which is super flattering (even though the guy telling me that wasn't doing so directly, and is engaged to another girl...) And how can you tell someone they are full of it, when they are feeding your ego in such a sincere and unassuming way?
Ok. So now my last question: all you girls out there who the "Pretty Girl Theory" seems to apply to... do you buy into this line? And I hope your answer is no, because what I really want to know is... what do you say to all the well-meaning "attached" people who give it to you?
How do you graciously get them to quit feeding you this junk?
2 comments:
I really don't know. But I do know that guys get intimidated really easily. I spent all last summer giving pep talks to my guy friends so they wouldn't be scared. And now.... they are all getting engaged. And I've still only dated one guy. And it was only for two months. So I'm always wondering what's wrong with me. But I think a major factor for me is the fact that I'm Chinese in a predominantly white community.
But what I would do when people say that line... neither accept nor reject what they say, but just say, "I can't wait for the right person comes along!" That way you don't have to justify yourself, or them, but you can be happy and optimistic!
:-)
I have mixed feelings on this. I think it's true that there's lots of great guys out there who are dating less than awesome girls simply because they're too scared of the risk of aiming higher. It's the same with girls, too, lots of them deserve a lot more than they've got, but they lack the confidence to look for it.
So I think there probably are guys out there who are too shy to ask us out. But there are guys who are too shy to ask out any girl at all, so that doesn't really make me feel better. Also, you can't divide the guys into "good guys who are intimidated" and "jerk guys" like people often do. Because there are plenty of awesome guys out there asking wonderful girls out right and left, and you can't tell a girl who doesn't get asked out that ALL of them are just too intimidated, because that's a bunch of baloney.
I too appreciate when people try to make me feel better like that. But I take it with a grain of salt, because yeah, it's usually just an ego boost. My response usually is, "Maybe there are some guys like that that are too intimidated. But there are lots of confident guys that date often and with whom I'm great friends, and they don't choose to ask me out. I really appreciate your complimenting me, and it may be true to some extent, but I don't think we can say that's the only reason." That way they know I appreciate their attempt to keep me from falling into misery and self-pity, but that I don't believe their line.
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