"Does this make any sense?" "Not really, but that's common after a head injury"

I read a quote tonight, it said "Better to be hated for what you are, than loved for what you aren't." Which I guess is a fancy way of saying that you should be yourself no matter what the consequenes are.

I had a very much needed discussion with my roommate and dear friend tonight. I guess I come across as mothering, although I don't do it on purpose, and it's something that's been wearing on her for a long time. So I guess I need to quit asking her questions, start telling her more stuff about me, let her start to see more of my faults, and I'm not sure what else to help her feel like I'm not judging her. It's started me thinking about how I come across to other people....

I think I sometimes come across as 'more holier than you.' Which may derive from the fact that I am kind of a goody-two-shoes, not on purpose, but a lot of those outside mannerisms are just who I am. I actually really enjoy ward activities, I love to give serivce, and I'm just a freakish nerd about that kind of stuff. I didn't sluff class in high school, not because it wouldn't have occasionally been fun, but becuse I enjoy doing things thoroughly, and it's taken me a while to relax my perfectionist tendencies. Other people probably look at this and think... 'Jeez, she's a prude,' but it's not that I'm trying to be more perfect than anyone else, I'm just OCD, naturally obedient (if you don't believe this ask Sis. McSweeny) and weird. Also, often times I don't know what to say to people, so I won't say anything. Combine this with the fact that I don't very often describe my numerous shortcomings to other people, and I may be crazy, but I think I have a bit of a problem with the way I come across.

I honestly don't think I'm better than anyone else. I am a firm believer that there are two sides to every story, and no one should be judged by anyone else because no one can ever completely understand why someone else does what they do. I can't think of a single person that I genuinely hate. Sure there are a few who drive me a bit nuts, and the occasional few that I'd just rather not talk to sometimes, but that's life. At least, I think it is....

I guess if everyone knew just how flawed I really am, then maybe I wouldn't find this a problem, but the thing is I'm not really ready to start bragging about my faults... maybe that's not a good thing, but I don't really want the whole world to know some of the things I struggle with, probably because I'm a bit of a perfectionist. I don't mind if people see some of them, but I think I'm too insecure to just start throwing them all out for the world to know about.

So as you are reading this you are wondering, where the crap is she going with this? The answer to your question is... I don't know. I asked my roommate tonight if I come across as a snob, she told me that snob isn't the right word, but she did confess that I may sometimes come across as a tad 'better than youish.' She did say that once you get to know me that goes away, which is a relief.

So do I keep just acting the way I always have, or is there something I should change so that people won't feel like I'm looking down on them? I don't know. It's a difficult dilemma for me, especially since I admire so many people for what they are, and I don't want any of them to feel like that isn't the case.

So back to the quote I read tonight... am I being myself? Or is there a way I can be more myself? Should I not worry about it, and just say that the people who think I'm a prig can go sit on themselves? Maybe I should just screw up in public more :) I don't know. And I'm sorry for anyone who read this. It's probably mighty confusing, but I had to get it out.

Pathetic, Pathetic, Pathetic.

Yeah. I'm talking about myself. Tonight I got asked to put together a musical number for church in a few weeks, and I'm not so excited about actually performing in sacrament meeting, but I am happy to do it because it's a way to feel involved, which I miss. A lot.

I used to be involved in just about everything when it came to my ward. My family has always been the 'go early to set up, and stay late to clean up' type of people. I loved the friendships I formed and the way I felt when I was able to help so much. I don't even have a calling up here, and to be honest I feel very disconnected, which is kind of bothering me.

So basically I'm so starved for involvement that I'm excited about organizing a musical number.

Pathetic.

Glories of Winter

So I am extremely proud of myself. I finished all my homework that is due monday... all I have left is to study like crazy for a midterm exam, and then pray I get assigned one of the easier essay questions. This was inspite of the fact that I took off for the weekend.

Yesterday around 11ish Abbie texted me and asked if I'd like to go with her to her families cabin... I knew I had a ton of homework, but despite this I told her I'd love to go. I did get in an hour and a half of research after work, thank goodness... but then at three thirty she picked me up and I was off again! Last night I played probably six rounds of dominos and completely creamed everyone else sitting at the table with me, Abbie was not happy with me. This morning I got up, and managed to get a ton of homework done (which is the main reason I am so proud of myself... do you even know how hard it is to do homework when there is snow and wind and the outdoors calling to you? but anyways...) and then she and I went on an amazing snowmobile ride. It was only my second time ever on a snowmobile, and I just as I finally got comfortable with the knack of turning and whatnot we got finished, but that's ok. I enjoyed the serenity of the mountains, the snow sparkled in the heat of the sun as we raced along, the drifts were almost deep enough to completely cover the one street sign I noticed poking up out of a bank. The pines stood tall and erect, I could tell that their patient souls are steadfastly waiting for spring. The sky was a clear baby blue... it was a glorious day. I'd love to tell you how the wind whistled through my hair... but alas, my helmet prevented that glory. However, it did sting my cheeks and make my eyes water, which only made the ride more glorious.

I had a welcome few minutes of respite and freedom this weekend. And a lovely change of scenery. Thank you Abbie for inviting me! And the rest of the Smoots for letting me tag along.

Refining: fire or wind? Perhaps one follows the other.

Swirling. Spinning downward in a hurricane that you have spun. Trapped. You can feel the bottom looming, gravity should very soon provide a nasty crunching consequence to this floating whirlwhind you have created for yourself. But as you wrestle along, struggling to float, no crunch comes. And that just terrifies you all the more. Anticipation can be both a delicious and a dreadful companion. But tonight it chooses to be the latter, and it chooses to be alone with you.


For alone is what you are.


True, many friends and loved ones are near, but their faces float just beyond reach, just beyond that part of the gale that you cannot seem to stick your hand through, no matter the motivation.

And so you sweep along, wondering when it will stop. For stop it must. But when it does stop, what will the wind leave behind? A demolished landscape? Or a polished stone? Perhaps both?

When the wind stops, which storm will follow?

President's Day weekend with the Cooks

Skiing was a blast. And apparently I caught on quickly :D

My grandpa and aunt helped teach me how, and I spent saturday afternoon on the bunny hill at Beaver. I definitely want to go again. Maybe if I get lucky I can find someone who is about at my same level to party on the little slopes with me.

Saturday night I went swimming, and walked back to the place we were staying wet, in the cold at 11... which is probably a contributing factor to the nasty cough I've been fighting for the past 24 hours.
But I had fun, so who cares?

Last night I played Cranium with my cousins, we joked and laughed and came up with more dumb inside jokes that no one else would probably ever think is funny. Movies, tickling, food, no responsibilities, laughter... I slipped back into being a little kid again, and coming back to real life almost makes me want to cry.

I love my crazy, chaotic, hairbrained, wonderful Cook relatives. I am extremely proud to be a member of the family. But the whole time I was there, I had this gut wrenching feeling that it's never going to be the same again. Which isn't a bad thing, but part of me wants it to stay the same so badly. Jonathan will leave for his mission soon, and Spencer will go soon after that. Natalie, Steph and I won't know who to torment, and who knows what will happen with the boy situation. Natalie's missionary get's back this summer... and if I meet someone... not to mention Steph. Everything is just going to change. And it'll never be the same again.

I know everything will still be fun. I'll still love my family. We'll still have stupid inside jokes that no one thinks are funny except us. But saying goodbye to old times and ways is still difficult.

General News? Sorta...

So I didn't go to waffle wednesday tonight. Shame on me. I told myself this was due to too much homework and too little time, but then I come home and decide to publish a new post on my blog.

Go figure.

I realized that I haven't written about what I'm really up to in my life in a while, so I thought, "hey I'll put in some actual news!" And then I realized I have nothing really interesting to write about. Sure a few funny things have happened here and there... but mostly my life is homework, church, class, and trying not to feel stupid around my roommates. To be honest when I think of my relationship with them I feel like Mr. Wetherby from Sense and Sensibility is describing me when he says "how come (she's) the type of (person) everyone thinks well of, but no one remembers to talk to?"
I guess this is my own fault. I don't have much that is interesting to tell them, therefore they don't have much to say to me either. I don't feel like I know how to relate to them, and it's driving me nuts.

I thought of something!

One exciting thing coming up in my life will be my attempt to ski this weekend. I've lived in Utah my entire life and I have never been skiing before. Pathetic I know. But I'm super excited to go. A bunch of my extended family is going up to Beaver for the weekend. It's going to be a blast!The downside of going for the whole weekend though is that I've got homework coming out my ears... and I don't know when I'm going to get it done, since I know I will have zero motivation to do any of it while I'm up there.

So I realized that my paragraph about feeling stupid around my roommates makes it sound like my life is nothing but school and work... luckily it's not. I have fun with my FHE group, and a blast with Bree and Michelle at work. Our "tupperware" party/blowing up grapes expedition was a blast two weeks ago!

I think it's time to plan another adventure with them.

"Masquerade... paper faces on parade"

Am I the only one who hides behind a mask? Or multiple masks actually...I'd make a list of all the masks I wear because it'd be terribly interesting I'm sure, but the thing is I don't want anyone who happens to follow this blog to be able to recognize all of them. Plus, I use different masks in different situations, so that list would get awfully confusing awfully quick.
So instead I'm going to explore a different question.

Why do I hide?

I think it's because I don't trust people. Not with my feelings anyway. I have a hard time putting myself on the line, and when I feel infeior or drastically different I don't trust them to accept me for who I am. I like myself, but I don't always trust other people to like me too. In my brain I know this is all ridiculous, who cares what anyone else thinks? And for the most part I don't care what people in general think of me, but I care far too much about it if I value someones good opinion. For example: put me in a room of complete stranger's who I will never see again, I'll probably be willing to do just about anything. A room of people who I know are all ridiculous? Sure I'll be weird. How 'bout a room of people who I know are stuck with me? The people I work with or my family? I'll be completely myself there too. It's the people who have the option of walking away but who I want to stay that send me scuttling into my shell. And unfortunately these people are all around, especially at college: wardies, cute boys, roommates, classmates, potential girlfriends... they're everywhere.

So if I care about your good opinion and don't know you very well, I will probably be shy, or do something weird or out of character. Sorry. I guess this isn't that weird. I'm sure there are a lot of people like this... but it's still something I wish I could fix in myself.

Thought Processes

For one brief, lovely, impossibly perfect moment, I feel like I am caught up on life. School, church, family... it's all in a neat line. And as I breathe in that sigh of peace and contentment, a forgotten 'to-do' item pops into my head. And it is followed by a whole parade of absolutely necessary nuisances, things that are vital for me to remember, but that in all honesty I'd rather forget.

"Ah! Two more chapters and then I'm caught up on homework until Monday!

*Brief moment of bliss*

Wait! What about your ELED application? You forgot that... it's due soon. You need to go visit with Darcie about that receipt because you can't remember the URL for that website... crap, you were supposed to do that today. And you are going to have to do your laundry, that will spoil a bit of fun this weekend. Go take your laundry basket out of your closet so you won't forget it. Luckily those two things aren't that big. It's ok.
Wait! You forgot that AT project is due really soon and you haven't started it. You haven't paid Camille for Utilities yet, but then again no one has coughed up gas money either... you are running out of ink in your printer. But Circuit City went out of business didn't it? Are you even going to be able to find the right one anywhere anymore? That was the only place they sold it. Are you going to remember everything when you pack up tomorrow? Wait! You were supposed to clean the shower before you left. You are probably going to have to go grocery shopping when you get back on monday. Which won't leave much time for that AT project... did I remember to talk to Stan? Yes, but oh crap... I haven't e-mailed my group that list yet. Oh, speaking of laundry I've got to take the sheets of my bed tomorrow so they can get washed. Oh, and there are those towels in the dirty pile in the kitchen under the piano. I doubt anyone else is going to remember them. I'd better grab them. Speaking of grabbing them, I also need to remember to take Bee's movies back to her. Good thing those drinks are already in the car. I hope they haven't frozen and cracked or anything. Oh, and remember to text Jen tomorrow! Speaking of texting I also need to call Christine about next week... But how on earth am I going to remember all this stuff? How many more item's have just been tacked onto my to-do list that was 'supposedly' getting shorter? I can't even remember..."

And that's how it goes.

Seriously.

If anyone doubts that this is how my mind really works. I promise you that this type of thought processes is not uncommon for me.

Basically life on my own at college is nuts. It's a lot of fun. I love my crazy life. I love my disorganized brain, even though it does cause me stress. Maybe one day I won't feel so...

chaotic.

Growing up... Optional?

Honestly, do I have to grow up?

I think it's overrated. Let's all start going backwards!

War on Pessimism

Pragamatism is ok. But there is a difference between looking at things logically and looking at them pessimistically.

For the record: Pessimism is that dreary outlook, the glass is half empty, doom and gloom, life is horrible, there is nothing good about this situation attitude.

Optimism is the determination to find something good in every situation, no matter how dismal it may seem. You aren't ignoring the facts, you are just trying to find something good. (And just so you know... there is ALWAYS something good to find.)

You can disagree with the following opinions, but only if you go by the above mentioned definitions. Don't cheat and change them on me in order for arguments sake. And yes, I am talking to you Kyle.

There are few things wrong with finding everything in the universe to be broken, bad, or hopeless:

1. It's called "igetsocaughtupinhowcooliamthatistartcomplaningabouteverythingpossibleandijustendupsoundingstupid" syndrom. Kind of a mouthful. But it's true, and pretty self explanitory. Ever met someone with this disease? I have.

2. You run the risk of offending people.
Why point out everything bad about a situation, teacher, idea, class, friend, article... ect. ect? You aren't going to fix it by complaining. In fact, you may (in addition to possibly looking silly) find youself making a bad situation worse. (Which is so important I am going to give it it's own number.)

3. You may just find yourself making a bad situation worse.

4. As a Johnny raincloud, you rain on everyone else's parade and make the world seem more dreary. Get it? YOU AFFECT OTHER PEOPLE! Profound I know... I guess that's ok if you like being depressed and want everyone else to join you... maybe. This is closely interconnected with #2. The differences lies in the probable emotions that are going to be produced in other people.

So please stop whining all the time. Please. (I'm not saying never whine... just some of you... tone it down a bit. And think before you complain.)


Although... I will give it to you pessimists out there. You can be extremely amusing to argue with :)

Unapplauded Courage

Kindergarten. A word synonymous with crayons, carelessness, picture books, mini-melodramas, finger paints, snack time and fun.

Not.

I hope to heaven I was not a problem child in kindergarten. Don't get me wrong. I love going everyday. I am extremely proud of myself, I nearly have all the kids names down! And there are 48 of them to memorize. However I watch the teacher state, cajol, repeat, reprimand, repeat, remind, exhort, repeat, and correct about 15 billion times a day. This is just the teacher mind you. I do nearly as much correcting as she does, as do both of the TA's as well as the parent volunteers who come in everyday. After hearing 'I can't', 'She breathed on me!', 'Teacher look at this', 'My dog (insert story here)', 'He cut in line!', 'She won't let me have a turn,' ect. ect. forty billion times a day, on top of trying to be sensitive to student development, cirriculum goals and ability levels of each child.... I am worn out.

Kindergarten teachers have quickly jumped to the top of my list of bravest people I know.

I don't want to sound cocky, but I think I can do a fairly good job in the classroom. I can keep control of the class, run my center fairly smoothly and I'm learning the 'correct' way to give correction. Of course I still need a ton of practice. But I'm wondering if I will fall apart from exhaustion if I decide to be a regular education teacher, at least one in a kindergarten classroom that is.

Next time I go home I need to look up my kindergarten teacher, and tell her thanks. Teacher's are so undervalued. Sometimes when I tell people that I am an education major I feel like they look at me and think 'you couldn't think of anything better to go into?' Often times I think it's looked at as the 'copout' major. "I didn't know what to be... I couldn't handle that program... so I'll teach."

This paragraph is for all those people who think that teaching, and especially young childhood education, is a 'copout' major. One day when you are a parent, make sure you volunteer to help in your child's preschool or kindergarten class. Be there ALL day- don't wuss out and go for only an hour or two. Ask the teacher a few questions about the importance of early vocabulary and language aquisition as well as early intervention programs. I promise you will be amazed with what you see and learn. And if you aren't... either you are an educator, or your child has a clueless teacher.

The government, the kids, the parents, the developmental problems, the cirriculum goals ect. ect... have all been put teacher's between a rock and a hard spot. They work their tails off and get no recognition for it, but I think if more people could get an inside look at what exactly teacher's do and why they do it, maybe they'd be willing to do more to help.

So this is my tribute to early childhood educators. Thank you. I don't know if I'm brave enough to do what you do.

Special Education is looking really appealing right now....

Why do I remember so many dang dreams anyways?

I am softly falling into oblivion.... wrapped beneath a thick layer of blankets and contentment. Protection. Drowsiness brings with it the perfect serenity that can only be found in that moment of complete stillness between dreams and waking.

And then YOU appear.

Suddenly I dream, and the only safe harbor I had left is stripped away. In my dream I feel vivid sensations that belong only to the world of waking. YOU turned them into a horrible, wonderful fantasy. Only I can't decide which you turned it to...

Was Cinderella right when she said that "A dream is a wish your heart makes?" -I don't know if I like that.

Is it possible to meet someone "Once upon a dream?"

Don't get me wrong. YOU don't appear every night. Not even close. But since the first time you were there, I find myself no longer able to look towards sleep as a reprise. Will YOU be there tonight? Waiting?

Do I want you to be?

Ready, Set, Socialize!

So why is a social life necessary anyways?

I've been thinking about it.

Basically people need people. Which seems obvious, but why???

I bet you had to pause to think about that one didn't you?

This is the answer I came up with: If I don't know anyone, I can't help anyone. And then I break down and feel like a worthless piece of junk, which doesn't help anything, ever, at all. So I need to have friends so that I can help other people. Cause that's what I am here for.

Guess I'd better start talking to people more.

My stupid dissertation on falling in love...

How does one fall in love? People talk of love at first sight. They see that special someone for the first time, and poof! The galaxy aligns...
Love at first sight is wildly romantic and all... but wouldn't one be more sure of oneself if it came more slowly? If you came to know someone well, and loved their company, and then one day, woke up, and realized that they'd come to mean everything to you? That they are your best friend, as well as your true love, and you don't remember when or how or why exactly it went from simply the first to both? Wouldn't it be easier that way too? Assuming of course that they eventually realize the same about you...
I don't know. I guess I'm trying to figure out how I feel about the whole idea. If someone has a weakness for pushing away those that want a relationship, wouldn't it make more sense for that person to have a good friendship that grows into a relationship? Wouldn't it be harder to push that away because you'd know so much better what it is you might be getting into?
Maybe I'm just demented... but it seems to me that this would be the best way to fall in love. You don't have to try to build it from scratch, you've already got something to start with.
Am I the only one who thinks this? Because it seems that the rest of the world is so focused on the other kind... the attraction before friendship... that sometimes some people forget this kind exsists unless it konks them over the head.
I guess it won't matter for a while... at least for me it won't. Everyone out here at college is trying too hard it seems to fall in love. It's what's got me thinking about it. Why are they looking so earnestly for it? Should we all look? Or should we wait for it to fall into our lap? and just build good friendships in the meantime? I don't know, but I am going to echo what she says in 'You've got mail'... "I don't really want an answer, I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void... so goodnight dear void."

Life keeps going...

Life is zooming faster than I can seem to keep up with...
I went to Homecoming yesterday with Hyrum Barker. I had a lot of fun with that :) And if anyone wants to know... no, I am still not a True Aggie.
Today I went to the Haunted forest with my roommate Camille and lost my keys... I'm crossing my fingers and praying that they will be found. I'm pretty sure that they're probably in the hole I fell in... blah...
Homework, school, trying to learn how to have a social life, it all becomes a bit busy, but I am enjoying it! Hooray for life! Life is good, and I am learning so much about everything. Myself, the Gosple, others, and while I'm nervous that I might screw it all up, I am enjoying the adventure :)