Yes! Believe it or not... Logan does have a Zoo

Taylor and I took a lovely trip to the zoo. It was quite a lot of fun, and upon entering we had to count our ears... we determined that we only have two each... we didn't quite make it up to 12. ;)
I think that by far our favorite exhibit was the exciting species of dolorus miserabolus. More commonly known as pet rocks...

The dear little family... look how adorable they are!

I decided to go strutting with some bird that looked a lot like a parrot... minus the green. I highly recommend the activity to anyone who wants to give it a try.

The peacock was feeling very 'show-off-ish' as he sat on the fence and posed for pictures.

Basically it was a lot of fun. Taylor didn't really believe that the Zoo existed. When we pulled up she said "Wow! There really is a zoo... I didn't belive you."

And now this leaves me to pose the question... what in heavens name would possibly motivate me to lie about there being a zoo in Logan? I still haven't figured it out. Tay will have to let me know sometime. We had lots of fun, especially trying to find it. You see: I couldn't remember where it was, just that it was on the south west side of mainstreet... but I did remember that the road curved right before... so we drove around looking for a semi-familiar curvy road, and viola! It worked! We were quite proud of ourselves.

Books, Not Diamonds, are a Girls Best Friend

I spent my entire night reading. Yup that's right, and it was a book I've read before too.

I love to read. It's the characters that draw me in. I mean the plots and the intrigues, the settings, and the dramatic endings are all very good and well, but it's the characters I fall in love with. I get lost in a world different than my own, one where the ending always comes out happy in the end, and even when it doesn't there is a certain poetic justice to how it all turns out. The characters struggle and grow, they experience real emotions, and as I read I am right there with them, inside their skin and their brain, learning and experiencing with them.

Man... this is such a nerdy thing to blog about, but I really don't care. People find all sorts of ways to escape from reality, I just happened to choose books.

So for everyone out there who hates reading, find a simple book with a good plot and loveable characters and give it a whirl... for those of you who know exactly what I mean... slip into a story and take a short break from the stress of life. Revisit an old friend, or go make a new one.

Feelings are Fickle things

Not fickle as in they change a lot, but in that they don't make any sense at all.

Something can make perfect, absolutely wonderful sense in my mind, and my feelings will disagree with whatever I've thought out.

I'm sick of it.

Do you know what else I am sick of? Overanalyzation. (I'm pretty sure that's not a real word, but I don't even care. You know what I mean.) I long for the carefree days when everything made sense. The biggest mystery in life was why playtime was always so much shorter than work time.... actually I guess that's still a mystery. Go figure. But now I have the ability to psychoanalyze *it, and it's just crap.

*Not that I want to psychoanalyze play and work time, but all the other mysteries of life...especially people. Those are the ones that drive me crazy.

Rigoletto

What is true beauty?

It's does not lie in our face, our clothes, or even our words. True beauty is shown through what we give of our spirit, the kind things that we do for those around us. I believe each person has a beautiful spirit, and they become a beautiful person when they show it through service towards their fellow man.

So it's interesting that everyone get's caught up in looking beautiful, when the only way to be truly beautiful is to forget to spend that extra hour in front of the mirror and choose instead to spend it helping someone else.

"Love is only something we read about in books my dear" -Mrs. Fieldmouse

In the movie 'Kate and Leopold," Kate tells Leopold that she sometimes wonders if Love is like the grownup version of Santa Claus. A fairtytale for adults that keeps us endlessesly searching, but that we never really find. Of course in the end she is proven wrong when she realizes she has found her 'one true love' --but that question hit a chord with me when I heard it.

I was reading a short fantasy book tonight just for fun. A retelling of cinderella as it were. The author approached it in a way different than most, and when I finished it Kate's musings came to my mind. And I started to wonder if the 'true love' junk we hear about all the time is all it's really cracked up to be. Probably not right?

Well, I had just about decided that the love we read about in cinderella is completely false, and feeling a bit sad that fantasies don't come true, when I looked up at a picture of the Salt Lake Temple that my Mom has hanging on the wall. And I realized that I was looking at love. Heavenly Father made us, and he knows what makes us most happy. His love is the perfect kind. Family, friendly, generally, and of course, romantically.

So I guess Kate was wrong. Love isn't the grown up version of Santa Claus. It's more real than the nose on my face. Thank heavens. Isn't this world a lovely place?

Sunday is my favorite day of the week

Heavenly Father loves me. And he helps me fix problems that I didn't even know how to define, much less solve. I'm glad that he is watching over me. I'm glad that he hears and answers my prayers even if it's not always how I think I'd like them to be answered. I have been truly blessed this week by him, and gratitude prompted me to get up and bear my testimony in sacrament meeting today, which is always a completely nerve wracking experience for me. I shake and my heart pounds and half the time I don't even know if the words coming out of my mouth make any sense at all...

Anyways.

I stayed up late last night and slept in this morning... thus when my phone rang and woke me up I answered it and prayed that I wouldn't sound like a frog. The bishop asked if I would be able to come see him, and I wholeheartedly agreed to come meet with him two hours later. I then hung up the phone and fell right back asleep.

My meeting with him went well, and church was great. I was sustained today as a member of the compassionate service committe. Basically I get to watch out for the other sisters in the ward and try to help those who may be having a rough time. I am super excited, and nervous at the same time. I am grateful for the opportunity to serve though.

Tonight was busy: a fireside, getting set apart, practicing a musical number, ward chior, ward prayer, and talking to Gentry about compassionate service, then my home teacher's came over and I got in a few game of mancala in with Jay after that.... whew. But I like staying busy, it's so much better than being bored :)

"Does this make any sense?" "Not really, but that's common after a head injury"

I read a quote tonight, it said "Better to be hated for what you are, than loved for what you aren't." Which I guess is a fancy way of saying that you should be yourself no matter what the consequenes are.

I had a very much needed discussion with my roommate and dear friend tonight. I guess I come across as mothering, although I don't do it on purpose, and it's something that's been wearing on her for a long time. So I guess I need to quit asking her questions, start telling her more stuff about me, let her start to see more of my faults, and I'm not sure what else to help her feel like I'm not judging her. It's started me thinking about how I come across to other people....

I think I sometimes come across as 'more holier than you.' Which may derive from the fact that I am kind of a goody-two-shoes, not on purpose, but a lot of those outside mannerisms are just who I am. I actually really enjoy ward activities, I love to give serivce, and I'm just a freakish nerd about that kind of stuff. I didn't sluff class in high school, not because it wouldn't have occasionally been fun, but becuse I enjoy doing things thoroughly, and it's taken me a while to relax my perfectionist tendencies. Other people probably look at this and think... 'Jeez, she's a prude,' but it's not that I'm trying to be more perfect than anyone else, I'm just OCD, naturally obedient (if you don't believe this ask Sis. McSweeny) and weird. Also, often times I don't know what to say to people, so I won't say anything. Combine this with the fact that I don't very often describe my numerous shortcomings to other people, and I may be crazy, but I think I have a bit of a problem with the way I come across.

I honestly don't think I'm better than anyone else. I am a firm believer that there are two sides to every story, and no one should be judged by anyone else because no one can ever completely understand why someone else does what they do. I can't think of a single person that I genuinely hate. Sure there are a few who drive me a bit nuts, and the occasional few that I'd just rather not talk to sometimes, but that's life. At least, I think it is....

I guess if everyone knew just how flawed I really am, then maybe I wouldn't find this a problem, but the thing is I'm not really ready to start bragging about my faults... maybe that's not a good thing, but I don't really want the whole world to know some of the things I struggle with, probably because I'm a bit of a perfectionist. I don't mind if people see some of them, but I think I'm too insecure to just start throwing them all out for the world to know about.

So as you are reading this you are wondering, where the crap is she going with this? The answer to your question is... I don't know. I asked my roommate tonight if I come across as a snob, she told me that snob isn't the right word, but she did confess that I may sometimes come across as a tad 'better than youish.' She did say that once you get to know me that goes away, which is a relief.

So do I keep just acting the way I always have, or is there something I should change so that people won't feel like I'm looking down on them? I don't know. It's a difficult dilemma for me, especially since I admire so many people for what they are, and I don't want any of them to feel like that isn't the case.

So back to the quote I read tonight... am I being myself? Or is there a way I can be more myself? Should I not worry about it, and just say that the people who think I'm a prig can go sit on themselves? Maybe I should just screw up in public more :) I don't know. And I'm sorry for anyone who read this. It's probably mighty confusing, but I had to get it out.

Pathetic, Pathetic, Pathetic.

Yeah. I'm talking about myself. Tonight I got asked to put together a musical number for church in a few weeks, and I'm not so excited about actually performing in sacrament meeting, but I am happy to do it because it's a way to feel involved, which I miss. A lot.

I used to be involved in just about everything when it came to my ward. My family has always been the 'go early to set up, and stay late to clean up' type of people. I loved the friendships I formed and the way I felt when I was able to help so much. I don't even have a calling up here, and to be honest I feel very disconnected, which is kind of bothering me.

So basically I'm so starved for involvement that I'm excited about organizing a musical number.

Pathetic.

Glories of Winter

So I am extremely proud of myself. I finished all my homework that is due monday... all I have left is to study like crazy for a midterm exam, and then pray I get assigned one of the easier essay questions. This was inspite of the fact that I took off for the weekend.

Yesterday around 11ish Abbie texted me and asked if I'd like to go with her to her families cabin... I knew I had a ton of homework, but despite this I told her I'd love to go. I did get in an hour and a half of research after work, thank goodness... but then at three thirty she picked me up and I was off again! Last night I played probably six rounds of dominos and completely creamed everyone else sitting at the table with me, Abbie was not happy with me. This morning I got up, and managed to get a ton of homework done (which is the main reason I am so proud of myself... do you even know how hard it is to do homework when there is snow and wind and the outdoors calling to you? but anyways...) and then she and I went on an amazing snowmobile ride. It was only my second time ever on a snowmobile, and I just as I finally got comfortable with the knack of turning and whatnot we got finished, but that's ok. I enjoyed the serenity of the mountains, the snow sparkled in the heat of the sun as we raced along, the drifts were almost deep enough to completely cover the one street sign I noticed poking up out of a bank. The pines stood tall and erect, I could tell that their patient souls are steadfastly waiting for spring. The sky was a clear baby blue... it was a glorious day. I'd love to tell you how the wind whistled through my hair... but alas, my helmet prevented that glory. However, it did sting my cheeks and make my eyes water, which only made the ride more glorious.

I had a welcome few minutes of respite and freedom this weekend. And a lovely change of scenery. Thank you Abbie for inviting me! And the rest of the Smoots for letting me tag along.

Refining: fire or wind? Perhaps one follows the other.

Swirling. Spinning downward in a hurricane that you have spun. Trapped. You can feel the bottom looming, gravity should very soon provide a nasty crunching consequence to this floating whirlwhind you have created for yourself. But as you wrestle along, struggling to float, no crunch comes. And that just terrifies you all the more. Anticipation can be both a delicious and a dreadful companion. But tonight it chooses to be the latter, and it chooses to be alone with you.


For alone is what you are.


True, many friends and loved ones are near, but their faces float just beyond reach, just beyond that part of the gale that you cannot seem to stick your hand through, no matter the motivation.

And so you sweep along, wondering when it will stop. For stop it must. But when it does stop, what will the wind leave behind? A demolished landscape? Or a polished stone? Perhaps both?

When the wind stops, which storm will follow?

President's Day weekend with the Cooks

Skiing was a blast. And apparently I caught on quickly :D

My grandpa and aunt helped teach me how, and I spent saturday afternoon on the bunny hill at Beaver. I definitely want to go again. Maybe if I get lucky I can find someone who is about at my same level to party on the little slopes with me.

Saturday night I went swimming, and walked back to the place we were staying wet, in the cold at 11... which is probably a contributing factor to the nasty cough I've been fighting for the past 24 hours.
But I had fun, so who cares?

Last night I played Cranium with my cousins, we joked and laughed and came up with more dumb inside jokes that no one else would probably ever think is funny. Movies, tickling, food, no responsibilities, laughter... I slipped back into being a little kid again, and coming back to real life almost makes me want to cry.

I love my crazy, chaotic, hairbrained, wonderful Cook relatives. I am extremely proud to be a member of the family. But the whole time I was there, I had this gut wrenching feeling that it's never going to be the same again. Which isn't a bad thing, but part of me wants it to stay the same so badly. Jonathan will leave for his mission soon, and Spencer will go soon after that. Natalie, Steph and I won't know who to torment, and who knows what will happen with the boy situation. Natalie's missionary get's back this summer... and if I meet someone... not to mention Steph. Everything is just going to change. And it'll never be the same again.

I know everything will still be fun. I'll still love my family. We'll still have stupid inside jokes that no one thinks are funny except us. But saying goodbye to old times and ways is still difficult.

General News? Sorta...

So I didn't go to waffle wednesday tonight. Shame on me. I told myself this was due to too much homework and too little time, but then I come home and decide to publish a new post on my blog.

Go figure.

I realized that I haven't written about what I'm really up to in my life in a while, so I thought, "hey I'll put in some actual news!" And then I realized I have nothing really interesting to write about. Sure a few funny things have happened here and there... but mostly my life is homework, church, class, and trying not to feel stupid around my roommates. To be honest when I think of my relationship with them I feel like Mr. Wetherby from Sense and Sensibility is describing me when he says "how come (she's) the type of (person) everyone thinks well of, but no one remembers to talk to?"
I guess this is my own fault. I don't have much that is interesting to tell them, therefore they don't have much to say to me either. I don't feel like I know how to relate to them, and it's driving me nuts.

I thought of something!

One exciting thing coming up in my life will be my attempt to ski this weekend. I've lived in Utah my entire life and I have never been skiing before. Pathetic I know. But I'm super excited to go. A bunch of my extended family is going up to Beaver for the weekend. It's going to be a blast!The downside of going for the whole weekend though is that I've got homework coming out my ears... and I don't know when I'm going to get it done, since I know I will have zero motivation to do any of it while I'm up there.

So I realized that my paragraph about feeling stupid around my roommates makes it sound like my life is nothing but school and work... luckily it's not. I have fun with my FHE group, and a blast with Bree and Michelle at work. Our "tupperware" party/blowing up grapes expedition was a blast two weeks ago!

I think it's time to plan another adventure with them.

"Masquerade... paper faces on parade"

Am I the only one who hides behind a mask? Or multiple masks actually...I'd make a list of all the masks I wear because it'd be terribly interesting I'm sure, but the thing is I don't want anyone who happens to follow this blog to be able to recognize all of them. Plus, I use different masks in different situations, so that list would get awfully confusing awfully quick.
So instead I'm going to explore a different question.

Why do I hide?

I think it's because I don't trust people. Not with my feelings anyway. I have a hard time putting myself on the line, and when I feel infeior or drastically different I don't trust them to accept me for who I am. I like myself, but I don't always trust other people to like me too. In my brain I know this is all ridiculous, who cares what anyone else thinks? And for the most part I don't care what people in general think of me, but I care far too much about it if I value someones good opinion. For example: put me in a room of complete stranger's who I will never see again, I'll probably be willing to do just about anything. A room of people who I know are all ridiculous? Sure I'll be weird. How 'bout a room of people who I know are stuck with me? The people I work with or my family? I'll be completely myself there too. It's the people who have the option of walking away but who I want to stay that send me scuttling into my shell. And unfortunately these people are all around, especially at college: wardies, cute boys, roommates, classmates, potential girlfriends... they're everywhere.

So if I care about your good opinion and don't know you very well, I will probably be shy, or do something weird or out of character. Sorry. I guess this isn't that weird. I'm sure there are a lot of people like this... but it's still something I wish I could fix in myself.

Thought Processes

For one brief, lovely, impossibly perfect moment, I feel like I am caught up on life. School, church, family... it's all in a neat line. And as I breathe in that sigh of peace and contentment, a forgotten 'to-do' item pops into my head. And it is followed by a whole parade of absolutely necessary nuisances, things that are vital for me to remember, but that in all honesty I'd rather forget.

"Ah! Two more chapters and then I'm caught up on homework until Monday!

*Brief moment of bliss*

Wait! What about your ELED application? You forgot that... it's due soon. You need to go visit with Darcie about that receipt because you can't remember the URL for that website... crap, you were supposed to do that today. And you are going to have to do your laundry, that will spoil a bit of fun this weekend. Go take your laundry basket out of your closet so you won't forget it. Luckily those two things aren't that big. It's ok.
Wait! You forgot that AT project is due really soon and you haven't started it. You haven't paid Camille for Utilities yet, but then again no one has coughed up gas money either... you are running out of ink in your printer. But Circuit City went out of business didn't it? Are you even going to be able to find the right one anywhere anymore? That was the only place they sold it. Are you going to remember everything when you pack up tomorrow? Wait! You were supposed to clean the shower before you left. You are probably going to have to go grocery shopping when you get back on monday. Which won't leave much time for that AT project... did I remember to talk to Stan? Yes, but oh crap... I haven't e-mailed my group that list yet. Oh, speaking of laundry I've got to take the sheets of my bed tomorrow so they can get washed. Oh, and there are those towels in the dirty pile in the kitchen under the piano. I doubt anyone else is going to remember them. I'd better grab them. Speaking of grabbing them, I also need to remember to take Bee's movies back to her. Good thing those drinks are already in the car. I hope they haven't frozen and cracked or anything. Oh, and remember to text Jen tomorrow! Speaking of texting I also need to call Christine about next week... But how on earth am I going to remember all this stuff? How many more item's have just been tacked onto my to-do list that was 'supposedly' getting shorter? I can't even remember..."

And that's how it goes.

Seriously.

If anyone doubts that this is how my mind really works. I promise you that this type of thought processes is not uncommon for me.

Basically life on my own at college is nuts. It's a lot of fun. I love my crazy life. I love my disorganized brain, even though it does cause me stress. Maybe one day I won't feel so...

chaotic.

Growing up... Optional?

Honestly, do I have to grow up?

I think it's overrated. Let's all start going backwards!