Do you ever have a suspicion? A sneaky inkling... that you don't tell to anyone? Because it's kind of ridiculous, and you can't be certain of it at all... yet it is still very much a suspicion in the back of your little mind.
And then when it comes true and you find out you were right, you want to jump up, shout at the world and yell "I told you so!!!" at the top of your lungs.
But you can't, because you didn't tell anyone about your premonition.
And then there are those sometimes... when you just can't resist telling someone "I knew that would happen." And they think you are crazy, and tell you that you are full of it.
But secretly, you are full of smug satisfaction, because there is something so nice about being right - even if no one knows about it. Hehehe
Monday, June 21, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Positoovity
Does anyone else know this song? It's from Broadway's 'The Little Mermaid.' Scuttle sings it to Ariel after she gets her legs and loses her voice. It's all about attitude. I absolutely love it.
During the song he sings about about how even if you don't have brains or looks you can still convince everyone that you are pretty fantastic just by having a little 'positoovity.' I laugh every time I listen to it, I think mostly because it's so true.
I realize so often that I am so inadequate in so many ways... but if I just act a little bit more positive than I feel then everybody seems to buy my act. Isn't that crazy? I wonder how many of us wander around life acting like we've got everything together when on the inside we're wondering why someone isn't laughing at us for being ridiculous.
So. If you are having a down day, or wondering how in the world you are going to hold your head up for another hour, or if you just need a silly smile and confidence boost: look up Positoovity and listen to it. Hopefully you'll love it just as much as I do!
During the song he sings about about how even if you don't have brains or looks you can still convince everyone that you are pretty fantastic just by having a little 'positoovity.' I laugh every time I listen to it, I think mostly because it's so true.
I realize so often that I am so inadequate in so many ways... but if I just act a little bit more positive than I feel then everybody seems to buy my act. Isn't that crazy? I wonder how many of us wander around life acting like we've got everything together when on the inside we're wondering why someone isn't laughing at us for being ridiculous.
So. If you are having a down day, or wondering how in the world you are going to hold your head up for another hour, or if you just need a silly smile and confidence boost: look up Positoovity and listen to it. Hopefully you'll love it just as much as I do!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
PDA
So, my boyfriend kissed me today. Which in and of itself isn't weird anymore. What was weird was that he did it while his Mom was in the room.
So far Bennett and I haven't been really in on the whole "public displays of affection." Sometimes he puts his arm around my shoulders when we're walking somewhere... but the most public place he's held my hand so far was in sacrament meeting.
So this afternoon when I was hugging him goodbye and he turned his head for a kiss while his Mom was only 4 feet away... it totally took me off guard. She didn't say anything... which is probably a good thing. I would not have known how to respond. I'd like to think that it made her smile.
And then I started to wonder how my own family would react if he did the same thing in front of them. And then I started to wonder if he feels comfortable enough around them to kiss me in front of them.
Maybe I should ask him. That'll an amusing conversation.
Anyways. Any of you reading my blog do not want to hear about me kissing Bennett. So I'm going to pose a question:
What is your opinion of PDA's? Excuse my curiosity. I have my own opinions of course: I think a little is ok, and definitely goes a very long way, so they should be kept minimal. But I don't think they should all be taboo, because there is something nice about knowing that someone special likes you enough to show it to people other than just you. And there is also something nice about knowing two other people (especially if it's your parents or grandparents) care about each other enough to show it. What do you think?
So far Bennett and I haven't been really in on the whole "public displays of affection." Sometimes he puts his arm around my shoulders when we're walking somewhere... but the most public place he's held my hand so far was in sacrament meeting.
So this afternoon when I was hugging him goodbye and he turned his head for a kiss while his Mom was only 4 feet away... it totally took me off guard. She didn't say anything... which is probably a good thing. I would not have known how to respond. I'd like to think that it made her smile.
And then I started to wonder how my own family would react if he did the same thing in front of them. And then I started to wonder if he feels comfortable enough around them to kiss me in front of them.
Maybe I should ask him. That'll an amusing conversation.
Anyways. Any of you reading my blog do not want to hear about me kissing Bennett. So I'm going to pose a question:
What is your opinion of PDA's? Excuse my curiosity. I have my own opinions of course: I think a little is ok, and definitely goes a very long way, so they should be kept minimal. But I don't think they should all be taboo, because there is something nice about knowing that someone special likes you enough to show it to people other than just you. And there is also something nice about knowing two other people (especially if it's your parents or grandparents) care about each other enough to show it. What do you think?
Monday, June 7, 2010
Missionary Experience!
I had the coolest experience on saturday!
I was at work at the Mayan, and it was dreadfully slow.... so I went and got my scriptures, propped them open on the front desk, and was reading them while I waited for people to greet. Around noonish I left them sitting open on the desk for a few minutes to go clean some windows, and when I came back, a server that I didn't know was completely absorbed in my Doctrine and Covenants.
I was surprised, but didn't mind at all, so I just let her read. After a minute or two she asked who's scriptures they were, and then asked me how to reference the heading to section 132 so that someone else would know which part she wanted them to read. This kind of told me that she isn't really familiar with the church... so I helped her out, and then she continued reading. A few minutes later, she asked if she could take my scriptures to read on her smoking break. Funny right?
About 5 hours later I hadn't seen her or my scriptures reappear. And I admit I was a bit nervous about it. I didn't know who she was, or what had happened to my Quad. So I found out her name, and then headed to the 2nd floor to hunt her down to ask her if she still had them with her.
When I found her, she apologized for keeping them so long, and explained that it had been such a slow day, she had hardly anything to do, so she had been reading. She then asked if she could keep them until one of us got off work, because she wanted to continue reading.
I was amazed. I cannot say I've ever spent that long at once in the D&C, and I've grown up in the church! At this point I started getting really excited, and asked her if she had any questions about what she was reading. She asked one about the commandments, and another about the word of wisdom, and it was fun to chat with her about it.
Now, I'm already thinking this is really cool. But it's about to get even cooler, so hold on.
The night before I was at my Grandparents house sleeping over, and they had told me that my Papa's neice worked at the Mayan and asked me if I knew her. Apparently this gal (my cousin once removed) has had a rough life. Her Mom abused drugs and her Dad was completely inactive. Now what does this side note have to do with the server reading my Quad? That's right... they are the same person. Crazy sauce huh?
So we made this connection, and there was much exclaiming and smiling all around. At this point I'm desperately wishing there was some way I could help her more without coming across as overbearing. So I run out to my car, and grab my triple that I used in seminary. It's got some papers stuffed in it, some highlighted passages, and a tiny bit of water stain on the top of the front page, but other than that it's in great condition. I ran it up the stairs to her about 1/2 an hour before my shift ended, and told her that I'd love it if she'd take it home to have and read.
She was so excited, and that made me excited, and I've been excited every time I think about it ever since.
Isn't this gospel of Jesus Christ a wonderful thing? I'm continually amazed at how many missionary experiences are waiting to knock us over the head if we just open our eyes and do our best to live the teachings of the gospel and be an example to all those around us. Heavenly Father really does guide our footsteps so we can help others.
I don't know what is going on in this womans life. I don't know if she'll keep reading and asking questions. I don't have any idea if I will ever get to talk to her again about it. I hope I do though.
What I do know is that I did what I could. Whatever happens in her life, I came away better for the experience, and I am so grateful that Heavenly Father gave it to me.
I was at work at the Mayan, and it was dreadfully slow.... so I went and got my scriptures, propped them open on the front desk, and was reading them while I waited for people to greet. Around noonish I left them sitting open on the desk for a few minutes to go clean some windows, and when I came back, a server that I didn't know was completely absorbed in my Doctrine and Covenants.
I was surprised, but didn't mind at all, so I just let her read. After a minute or two she asked who's scriptures they were, and then asked me how to reference the heading to section 132 so that someone else would know which part she wanted them to read. This kind of told me that she isn't really familiar with the church... so I helped her out, and then she continued reading. A few minutes later, she asked if she could take my scriptures to read on her smoking break. Funny right?
About 5 hours later I hadn't seen her or my scriptures reappear. And I admit I was a bit nervous about it. I didn't know who she was, or what had happened to my Quad. So I found out her name, and then headed to the 2nd floor to hunt her down to ask her if she still had them with her.
When I found her, she apologized for keeping them so long, and explained that it had been such a slow day, she had hardly anything to do, so she had been reading. She then asked if she could keep them until one of us got off work, because she wanted to continue reading.
I was amazed. I cannot say I've ever spent that long at once in the D&C, and I've grown up in the church! At this point I started getting really excited, and asked her if she had any questions about what she was reading. She asked one about the commandments, and another about the word of wisdom, and it was fun to chat with her about it.
Now, I'm already thinking this is really cool. But it's about to get even cooler, so hold on.
The night before I was at my Grandparents house sleeping over, and they had told me that my Papa's neice worked at the Mayan and asked me if I knew her. Apparently this gal (my cousin once removed) has had a rough life. Her Mom abused drugs and her Dad was completely inactive. Now what does this side note have to do with the server reading my Quad? That's right... they are the same person. Crazy sauce huh?
So we made this connection, and there was much exclaiming and smiling all around. At this point I'm desperately wishing there was some way I could help her more without coming across as overbearing. So I run out to my car, and grab my triple that I used in seminary. It's got some papers stuffed in it, some highlighted passages, and a tiny bit of water stain on the top of the front page, but other than that it's in great condition. I ran it up the stairs to her about 1/2 an hour before my shift ended, and told her that I'd love it if she'd take it home to have and read.
She was so excited, and that made me excited, and I've been excited every time I think about it ever since.
Isn't this gospel of Jesus Christ a wonderful thing? I'm continually amazed at how many missionary experiences are waiting to knock us over the head if we just open our eyes and do our best to live the teachings of the gospel and be an example to all those around us. Heavenly Father really does guide our footsteps so we can help others.
I don't know what is going on in this womans life. I don't know if she'll keep reading and asking questions. I don't have any idea if I will ever get to talk to her again about it. I hope I do though.
What I do know is that I did what I could. Whatever happens in her life, I came away better for the experience, and I am so grateful that Heavenly Father gave it to me.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
GUESS WHAT?!?
Did you guess yet?
Did you?
Really???
Well, here's what I am so excited to share:
There is a boy who really likes me. And I really like him. So we decided to date.
It's kinda scary. And kinda fun. And kinda surreal. And kinda a dream come true.
I like it.
Did you?
Really???
Well, here's what I am so excited to share:
There is a boy who really likes me. And I really like him. So we decided to date.
It's kinda scary. And kinda fun. And kinda surreal. And kinda a dream come true.
I like it.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Me? Cut Hair? What?
Guess what I did today?
I cut a boy's hair. Yup. All by myself.
It went kinda like this:
I was over at his house playing games, and somehow we started talking about how he needed a haircut. I think I joked about taking scissors to his head to make him look funny, and then he told me I could cut it if I'd like. I didn't think much of it until the game was done and he asked me if I'd be willing to cut his hair for him... I kinda ho-hummed a non-commital reply since I wasn't exactly comfortable with the idea of him trusting me that much. But then he got out the hair cutting kit...
and I proceeded to nervously cut his hair. (Only I tried really hard to hide my nervousness, hehe).
And guess what? It actually looked pretty good when I was done!
I cut a boy's hair. Yup. All by myself.
It went kinda like this:
I was over at his house playing games, and somehow we started talking about how he needed a haircut. I think I joked about taking scissors to his head to make him look funny, and then he told me I could cut it if I'd like. I didn't think much of it until the game was done and he asked me if I'd be willing to cut his hair for him... I kinda ho-hummed a non-commital reply since I wasn't exactly comfortable with the idea of him trusting me that much. But then he got out the hair cutting kit...
and I proceeded to nervously cut his hair. (Only I tried really hard to hide my nervousness, hehe).
And guess what? It actually looked pretty good when I was done!
Monday, May 31, 2010
What is Love?
I've been thinking about love, and I've decided that too often we ask people if they are 'in love' without properly defining it. I've also come up with a couple definitions...
True Love: I think this type means that you care more about the other person than you do about yourself.
Forever Love: This is the kind you feel for your family, the people you know you get to spend eternity with, and just that thought makes you almost giddy with gratitude.
Passionate Love: This is the butterflies in the tummy... 'I'm weak in the knees,' and 'I just want to be right next to you because that's where it's most comfortable' kind.
With these definitions in mind... I've definitely felt all types of love, but I've never felt all three for one person before. Some people have two from me, but I can't think of anyone who has all three yet. I think that's what will make getting married so special... that'll be the one person who gets all three types from me.
I think next time someone asks me if I'm 'in love' or if I've 'ever been in love' I'm just going to tell them yes. Because the honest truth is that I've been in love with lots of people... I am in love with lots of people! And when they get confused or excited I'll probably just giggle to myself. He He.
True Love: I think this type means that you care more about the other person than you do about yourself.
Forever Love: This is the kind you feel for your family, the people you know you get to spend eternity with, and just that thought makes you almost giddy with gratitude.
Passionate Love: This is the butterflies in the tummy... 'I'm weak in the knees,' and 'I just want to be right next to you because that's where it's most comfortable' kind.
With these definitions in mind... I've definitely felt all types of love, but I've never felt all three for one person before. Some people have two from me, but I can't think of anyone who has all three yet. I think that's what will make getting married so special... that'll be the one person who gets all three types from me.
I think next time someone asks me if I'm 'in love' or if I've 'ever been in love' I'm just going to tell them yes. Because the honest truth is that I've been in love with lots of people... I am in love with lots of people! And when they get confused or excited I'll probably just giggle to myself. He He.
Donating Blood Again
I made it through the 2nd time, and my body does not like losing so much blood so quickly.
Here is the short version:
I almost passed out twice.
Yes, once again I was told to cough, and was the only victim in the room being told to do so.
I shortened my 'recovery time' in the chair by 15 whole minutes... but they made me lay on the floor with a pillow after I managed to successfully get out of their blue chair.
Bennett was a dear and decided to lay on the floor with me to make me feel better... I accused him of mocking me, but since I secretly believe he was trying to be sweet I was touched by his action.
I was kind of mortified by all the concern and attention I got... I don't like feeling like a weakling. But I am feeling pretty proud of myself for surviving it :D
Here is the short version:
I almost passed out twice.
Yes, once again I was told to cough, and was the only victim in the room being told to do so.
I shortened my 'recovery time' in the chair by 15 whole minutes... but they made me lay on the floor with a pillow after I managed to successfully get out of their blue chair.
Bennett was a dear and decided to lay on the floor with me to make me feel better... I accused him of mocking me, but since I secretly believe he was trying to be sweet I was touched by his action.
I was kind of mortified by all the concern and attention I got... I don't like feeling like a weakling. But I am feeling pretty proud of myself for surviving it :D
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Round 2!
So remember when I told you all the ridiculous story about donating blood and how it isn't fun? Well... I'm off to do it again tomorrow afternoon.
I am nervous.
Wish me better luck than last time!!
I am nervous.
Wish me better luck than last time!!
Monday, May 24, 2010
A Series of Unfortunate Dreams
That is the name I would have to give my night last night. I had a whole slew of dreams... and in all of them something unfortunate happened.
---I was nervous about giving my sacrament meeting talk, and in one of the dreams the Bishopbric passed out dice and we had to roll them twice: once to find out our topic, and once to figure out how long we should speak for.
---In another dream I had a friend call me on the phone and tell me in a pleasant and conversational manner that he really didn't care for me at all.
---Then I had probably 3 or 4 others... which I remembered this morning, but can't anymore... in which very sad or frustrating things happened.
Wanna know how I reacted in each of these dreams? I took whatever bad thing happened in stride, and then tried to convince everyone else, and myself, that I didn't care. This made them seem really realistic, because I think that's how I deal with lots of disappointing and frustrating situations in life.
Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like if I didn't react so calmly. What would it be like to let loose and just yell at the world when something terrible happens to me. Do you think I'd feel better or worse about the situation?
Cause really.... trying to lie to myself and tell myself that I don't care doesn't really work. Deep down I know I care a lot, and I just want to pound somebody or something into the ground. But instead I'm a good, sweet girl, and I tell everybody that I'm just fine no matter what.
Maybe one of these days I'll choose to lose it. Then I can have an interesting story to tell you all.
PS: The Bishop didn't pass out dice... and I made it through my talk!
---I was nervous about giving my sacrament meeting talk, and in one of the dreams the Bishopbric passed out dice and we had to roll them twice: once to find out our topic, and once to figure out how long we should speak for.
---In another dream I had a friend call me on the phone and tell me in a pleasant and conversational manner that he really didn't care for me at all.
---Then I had probably 3 or 4 others... which I remembered this morning, but can't anymore... in which very sad or frustrating things happened.
Wanna know how I reacted in each of these dreams? I took whatever bad thing happened in stride, and then tried to convince everyone else, and myself, that I didn't care. This made them seem really realistic, because I think that's how I deal with lots of disappointing and frustrating situations in life.
Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like if I didn't react so calmly. What would it be like to let loose and just yell at the world when something terrible happens to me. Do you think I'd feel better or worse about the situation?
Cause really.... trying to lie to myself and tell myself that I don't care doesn't really work. Deep down I know I care a lot, and I just want to pound somebody or something into the ground. But instead I'm a good, sweet girl, and I tell everybody that I'm just fine no matter what.
Maybe one of these days I'll choose to lose it. Then I can have an interesting story to tell you all.
PS: The Bishop didn't pass out dice... and I made it through my talk!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Maybe "I just haven't met you yet..."
So... my parents have been on my case lately about giving guys chances and dating people. My Dad thinks that my criterion are too strict and that I need to broaden my scope and get to know more guys. My Mom thinks I need to take a leap of faith and just go for it instead of running from everyone who comes my way expressing even an iota of interest.
The problem is... I don't get asked out very often. As in... I think I've been asked out 3 times in the past year.
The second probably is... that my parents are probably right. But I'm comfortable where I am, and the truth is, the idea of dating anyone at all is kinda scary. Actually, scratch the 'kinda scary' --- it's completely terrifying. I am not willing to give my heart away, because I'm scared it's going to get broken. So it's easier to sit back and think about 'one-days' than it is to go about making something happen.
And even if I were willing to take that leap of faith, there are very few guys I'd jump for. Of those that I think I could see myself trusting, none have been asking me out or expressing interest.
So bascially I'm in a very single situation, which, as I've said before: I'm happy with right now. It's scary to date, so I'd rather just hang out with good friends.
Maybe I've got the wrong attitude, everyone else seems to think that I should be depressed by my situation... but I really don't see any point in moping around when the reality is -- I'm not a man chaser, and I don't intend to start giving the 'dating game' a ton of my energy. Is that wrong of me?
My Mom, sister and I watched a music video by Michael Buble today-- he sang his song "I just haven't met you yet." I'd just like to think that is my situation right now. It makes things so much less stressful if I can just believe that I don't know who 'my prince' is yet, and when he appears my world will change somehow. I know that's not realistic, but a girl is allowed to dream right?
Should I feel bad about this? What am I doing wrong? When people start expressing condolences for my singleness I almost feel guilty for not being sad that I don't have a boyfriend. But then I realized I'd rather think they're all crazy and be happy than think they're all right and be sad.
Sorry for my rambling. I just needed to spit it out somewhere...
The problem is... I don't get asked out very often. As in... I think I've been asked out 3 times in the past year.
The second probably is... that my parents are probably right. But I'm comfortable where I am, and the truth is, the idea of dating anyone at all is kinda scary. Actually, scratch the 'kinda scary' --- it's completely terrifying. I am not willing to give my heart away, because I'm scared it's going to get broken. So it's easier to sit back and think about 'one-days' than it is to go about making something happen.
And even if I were willing to take that leap of faith, there are very few guys I'd jump for. Of those that I think I could see myself trusting, none have been asking me out or expressing interest.
So bascially I'm in a very single situation, which, as I've said before: I'm happy with right now. It's scary to date, so I'd rather just hang out with good friends.
Maybe I've got the wrong attitude, everyone else seems to think that I should be depressed by my situation... but I really don't see any point in moping around when the reality is -- I'm not a man chaser, and I don't intend to start giving the 'dating game' a ton of my energy. Is that wrong of me?
My Mom, sister and I watched a music video by Michael Buble today-- he sang his song "I just haven't met you yet." I'd just like to think that is my situation right now. It makes things so much less stressful if I can just believe that I don't know who 'my prince' is yet, and when he appears my world will change somehow. I know that's not realistic, but a girl is allowed to dream right?
Should I feel bad about this? What am I doing wrong? When people start expressing condolences for my singleness I almost feel guilty for not being sad that I don't have a boyfriend. But then I realized I'd rather think they're all crazy and be happy than think they're all right and be sad.
Sorry for my rambling. I just needed to spit it out somewhere...
Sunday, May 16, 2010
A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes
"Have you ever had a dream? Something you wanted so bad you'd do anything?" -Hercules
"Yeah, I had a dream once. I dreamed that I was going to train the greatest hero there ever was. So great, that the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars, all across the sky! And people would say: 'That's Phil's boy. Yeah, that's right.' But dreams are for rookies. A guy can only take so much dissappointment." -Phil
I usually label my self an optimist. A silly dreamer, who believes in happy endings. Unfortunately I have a hard time seeing happy endings for myself, which makes me start to wonder if I am a Hercules or a Phil.
I think it's interesting that Phil and Hercules were both dreamers. I think everyone is at heart. The only big difference I see between the two (besdies muscles, good looks and a bit of height...) is of course the type of dreams they had. Hercules had a dream that depended entirely on his own hard to work to win it. Phil's dream required a second player though, someone to help his dream come true.
I think in life we all have a mix of the two dreams. Hercules type dreams are tough, but if we want it badly enough, bad enough that 'we'll do anything' for it, then we can get it eventually. The world will try to get us down and tell us we can't make it, which is what makes these dreams so hard.
I think the Phil type dreams are sometimes tougher though, because they depend on the agency of another person. Sometimes I think I tend to look down on Phil for his cynical attitude towards life, but then I remember that I react the same way when given his situation.
Have you ever had a Phil dream that wasn't coming true? You've tried to achieve it, and when you can't you decide it'll be easier to talk yourself out of it. Your Odysseus, Perseus, Thesuis and Achilles (sorry I butchered those spellings, but you know what I mean; your first few attempts...) all let you down - so you tell yourself that you are going to let go of your dream, as if that is an easy thing to do. Maybe it's a Hercules dream that is looking impossible, so you start to recite your own version of Phil's, "dreams are for rookies" mantra.
Do you think it's possible to let go of dreams? And I'm not talking about the little ones, the: "I hope that cute boy calls me this week..." or "I want to go to Africa someday" types. No, I'm talking about the ones you've been dreaming about for ages. The ones that keep you up at night just wishing and pondering. The ones that send a thrill through your spine when you dare to hope they'll come true. The big ones. Do you think we ever let go of them really?
Maybe we just change them. Tweak a bit here, and pull a string there so that it is more realistic.
Perhaps they break when unfulfilled, and we're left to pick up the pieces that are salvagable and put them together into a new dream.
Or maybe they live in our hearts forever, regardless of it they ever come true.
I don't really know. And I don't really need to know. I just needed a place to put my silly thoughts. Lately I've been contemplating a few of my dreams. Some are distant, some are fragile, and some are precious. A few I don't quite know if they are broken or not. Some I wish I could wash away with a bucket of soapy water and some elbow grease.
But let's face it. I'm a dreamer. I always have been. And I think that's ok.
It hurts when dreams are broken, but I need to keep reminding myself not to give up on them. Regardless of if they are Phil dreams or Hercules dreams, I think we should let our imaginations run wild with as many special dreams as we can. Because "You've got to have a dream. If you don't have a dream... how you gonna have a dream come true?"
"Yeah, I had a dream once. I dreamed that I was going to train the greatest hero there ever was. So great, that the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars, all across the sky! And people would say: 'That's Phil's boy. Yeah, that's right.' But dreams are for rookies. A guy can only take so much dissappointment." -Phil
I usually label my self an optimist. A silly dreamer, who believes in happy endings. Unfortunately I have a hard time seeing happy endings for myself, which makes me start to wonder if I am a Hercules or a Phil.
I think it's interesting that Phil and Hercules were both dreamers. I think everyone is at heart. The only big difference I see between the two (besdies muscles, good looks and a bit of height...) is of course the type of dreams they had. Hercules had a dream that depended entirely on his own hard to work to win it. Phil's dream required a second player though, someone to help his dream come true.
I think in life we all have a mix of the two dreams. Hercules type dreams are tough, but if we want it badly enough, bad enough that 'we'll do anything' for it, then we can get it eventually. The world will try to get us down and tell us we can't make it, which is what makes these dreams so hard.
I think the Phil type dreams are sometimes tougher though, because they depend on the agency of another person. Sometimes I think I tend to look down on Phil for his cynical attitude towards life, but then I remember that I react the same way when given his situation.
Have you ever had a Phil dream that wasn't coming true? You've tried to achieve it, and when you can't you decide it'll be easier to talk yourself out of it. Your Odysseus, Perseus, Thesuis and Achilles (sorry I butchered those spellings, but you know what I mean; your first few attempts...) all let you down - so you tell yourself that you are going to let go of your dream, as if that is an easy thing to do. Maybe it's a Hercules dream that is looking impossible, so you start to recite your own version of Phil's, "dreams are for rookies" mantra.
Do you think it's possible to let go of dreams? And I'm not talking about the little ones, the: "I hope that cute boy calls me this week..." or "I want to go to Africa someday" types. No, I'm talking about the ones you've been dreaming about for ages. The ones that keep you up at night just wishing and pondering. The ones that send a thrill through your spine when you dare to hope they'll come true. The big ones. Do you think we ever let go of them really?
Maybe we just change them. Tweak a bit here, and pull a string there so that it is more realistic.
Perhaps they break when unfulfilled, and we're left to pick up the pieces that are salvagable and put them together into a new dream.
Or maybe they live in our hearts forever, regardless of it they ever come true.
I don't really know. And I don't really need to know. I just needed a place to put my silly thoughts. Lately I've been contemplating a few of my dreams. Some are distant, some are fragile, and some are precious. A few I don't quite know if they are broken or not. Some I wish I could wash away with a bucket of soapy water and some elbow grease.
But let's face it. I'm a dreamer. I always have been. And I think that's ok.
It hurts when dreams are broken, but I need to keep reminding myself not to give up on them. Regardless of if they are Phil dreams or Hercules dreams, I think we should let our imaginations run wild with as many special dreams as we can. Because "You've got to have a dream. If you don't have a dream... how you gonna have a dream come true?"
Friday, April 30, 2010
The Pretty Girl Theory
Tonight I found myself talking to Alan. For some reason... I'm not exactly sure how it came up... but we were talking about my nonexistent dating life. Alan told me that the reason I don't often get asked out is because I am 'too amazing.'
I was extremely tempted to argue with him, but I bit my tongue, and thanked him for the complement.
He was proud of me for doing so :D
BUT. I don't believe that lie. I mean seriously, how many of us have heard the whole: "well, you are too intimidating, you are beautiful and amazing, so all the boys are too afraid to ask you out" spiel? Do any of you really buy it?
I never have. I've always felt that the 'you are too amazing and intimidating' line was just a fancy way of saying "I don't know what is wrong with you, but I'd like to make you feel better, so if I tell you that you're amazing that might just get me off the hook of having to say anything else."
So... I decided to tell Alan that I've never believed that line. And then he decided to share with me his 'Pretty Girl Theory' -- which he said I was a classic example of.
His theory went something like this:
You see weird crazy girls getting married all the time... which causes other girls, who aren't quite so bizarre, to sit back and think, 'what the heck is wrong with me?' But really... the only thing that is wrong, is that they are too pretty and too intimidating for the nice humble mormon boys to ask out, because these boys think that they aren't good enough to get a beautiful, nice, and cool girl. They won't ask the pretty ones out, because they figure there are lots of 'better guys,' therefore she couldn't want to be with them.
So then, there are also the jerk mormon guys, who will only ask out the really pretty girls, because all they want to do is have some fun, until the girl dumps him, and then he moves on.
So, when you get a girl who is both beautiful, and who sticks up for herself and lives her standards, then you run into a problem. Because all the normal guys are too scared, all the jerk guys won't bother because they know she won't put up with them, and that leaves the girl sitting at home wondering why the only guys who ever occasionally call are the extremely bizarre ones that can sometimes be a little creepy.
Ok. Does anyone else think that this is just an elaborate edition of the 'you are too intimidating' line? Cause I think it kind of is. I know plenty of girls who are both completely beautiful, and talented and amazing, and they are dating wonderful guys. So what I wanted to ask was... why does the "Pretty Girl Theory" apply to me and not to them?
Now I have to quickly insert a disclaimer. ***I am not complaining that I am not currently dating anyone. I am happy as a clam at the moment, and quite enjoying being single. This is all just food for thought, because I'm tired of trying to convince people they don't need to feel bad for me.***
Now that that's off my chest and clarified....
The terrible thing about this scenario tonight was that I couldn't tell him that I didn't buy into what he was saying... because he was sitting there telling me that I am beautiful and wonderful and great, which is super flattering (even though the guy telling me that wasn't doing so directly, and is engaged to another girl...) And how can you tell someone they are full of it, when they are feeding your ego in such a sincere and unassuming way?
Ok. So now my last question: all you girls out there who the "Pretty Girl Theory" seems to apply to... do you buy into this line? And I hope your answer is no, because what I really want to know is... what do you say to all the well-meaning "attached" people who give it to you?
How do you graciously get them to quit feeding you this junk?
I was extremely tempted to argue with him, but I bit my tongue, and thanked him for the complement.
He was proud of me for doing so :D
BUT. I don't believe that lie. I mean seriously, how many of us have heard the whole: "well, you are too intimidating, you are beautiful and amazing, so all the boys are too afraid to ask you out" spiel? Do any of you really buy it?
I never have. I've always felt that the 'you are too amazing and intimidating' line was just a fancy way of saying "I don't know what is wrong with you, but I'd like to make you feel better, so if I tell you that you're amazing that might just get me off the hook of having to say anything else."
So... I decided to tell Alan that I've never believed that line. And then he decided to share with me his 'Pretty Girl Theory' -- which he said I was a classic example of.
His theory went something like this:
You see weird crazy girls getting married all the time... which causes other girls, who aren't quite so bizarre, to sit back and think, 'what the heck is wrong with me?' But really... the only thing that is wrong, is that they are too pretty and too intimidating for the nice humble mormon boys to ask out, because these boys think that they aren't good enough to get a beautiful, nice, and cool girl. They won't ask the pretty ones out, because they figure there are lots of 'better guys,' therefore she couldn't want to be with them.
So then, there are also the jerk mormon guys, who will only ask out the really pretty girls, because all they want to do is have some fun, until the girl dumps him, and then he moves on.
So, when you get a girl who is both beautiful, and who sticks up for herself and lives her standards, then you run into a problem. Because all the normal guys are too scared, all the jerk guys won't bother because they know she won't put up with them, and that leaves the girl sitting at home wondering why the only guys who ever occasionally call are the extremely bizarre ones that can sometimes be a little creepy.
Ok. Does anyone else think that this is just an elaborate edition of the 'you are too intimidating' line? Cause I think it kind of is. I know plenty of girls who are both completely beautiful, and talented and amazing, and they are dating wonderful guys. So what I wanted to ask was... why does the "Pretty Girl Theory" apply to me and not to them?
Now I have to quickly insert a disclaimer. ***I am not complaining that I am not currently dating anyone. I am happy as a clam at the moment, and quite enjoying being single. This is all just food for thought, because I'm tired of trying to convince people they don't need to feel bad for me.***
Now that that's off my chest and clarified....
The terrible thing about this scenario tonight was that I couldn't tell him that I didn't buy into what he was saying... because he was sitting there telling me that I am beautiful and wonderful and great, which is super flattering (even though the guy telling me that wasn't doing so directly, and is engaged to another girl...) And how can you tell someone they are full of it, when they are feeding your ego in such a sincere and unassuming way?
Ok. So now my last question: all you girls out there who the "Pretty Girl Theory" seems to apply to... do you buy into this line? And I hope your answer is no, because what I really want to know is... what do you say to all the well-meaning "attached" people who give it to you?
How do you graciously get them to quit feeding you this junk?
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
A lovely night...
Wanna know why?
I'm propped up against my pillows, snuggling under my electric blanket and homemade quilt. My pj's are on, and my teeth have been brushed! After passing my Aikido demonstration this evening (I apparently have earned one stripe on my white belt, just in case you were curious), I came home and curled up with a book. Not a text book, not study notes, and no homework: a fun book.
The lights occasionally flicker on and off, and the wind is howling ferociously outside. But I am snug as a bug in a rug. Isn't it nice to be able to curl up comfortably, and know that you are protected from the weather raging all around you? Just the thought of going outside makes me shiver. But for now I am very comfortable, with a drowsy kind of peace, and ready to go to sleep soon.
I'm propped up against my pillows, snuggling under my electric blanket and homemade quilt. My pj's are on, and my teeth have been brushed! After passing my Aikido demonstration this evening (I apparently have earned one stripe on my white belt, just in case you were curious), I came home and curled up with a book. Not a text book, not study notes, and no homework: a fun book.
The lights occasionally flicker on and off, and the wind is howling ferociously outside. But I am snug as a bug in a rug. Isn't it nice to be able to curl up comfortably, and know that you are protected from the weather raging all around you? Just the thought of going outside makes me shiver. But for now I am very comfortable, with a drowsy kind of peace, and ready to go to sleep soon.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Confessing to myself...
I love it when other people walk into your life and teach you something about yourself.
Last night I learned that I really am an unassuming person. I don't always think about things... and I don't quickly jump to solutions. Especially conclusions involving other people.
And do you want to know something else I learned about myself? I'm afraid, very afraid, of judging people wrongly. And I'm also very afraid, of what may happen if I erroneously act on an assumption.
I also learned that often I try way too hard to lie to myself. I figure if I deny something for long enough, it will go away. By ignoring it... or telling myself something else, I'll be able to talk myself out of feeling certain emotions. I'm so afraid of getting negative consequences, that I try to suppress the feelings and tell myself that they aren't there. Because if I can convince myself that they aren't there... then I won't end up feeling bad for an action I either took or failed to take.
I have a really cute friend. She got me to admit some things last night; some out loud, most just in my heart. Here goes some deep confessions/things I learned:
1. It's ok to try to create circumstances.
2. When you pray for something that feels silly, but means a lot to you, God gives you answers.
3. It's ok to be the first one to start a blunt conversation.
4. It's also ok to trust yourself.
5. I'm head over heels in love. Yes, I'm admitting it.
6. Being crazy about someone isn't a bad thing.
7. When you can finally admit something, out loud, something that you have been pretending doesn't exist... it feels so good!
8. No matter what you want, or what you feel is right... you have to trust in the Lord's timing and live by the Spirit.
So I want to say thank you to this friend, the one who was blunt and funny and completely honest. Thank you for teaching me about myself. Thanks for all my friends who teach me. Hopefully one day I can be like you.
Last night I learned that I really am an unassuming person. I don't always think about things... and I don't quickly jump to solutions. Especially conclusions involving other people.
And do you want to know something else I learned about myself? I'm afraid, very afraid, of judging people wrongly. And I'm also very afraid, of what may happen if I erroneously act on an assumption.
I also learned that often I try way too hard to lie to myself. I figure if I deny something for long enough, it will go away. By ignoring it... or telling myself something else, I'll be able to talk myself out of feeling certain emotions. I'm so afraid of getting negative consequences, that I try to suppress the feelings and tell myself that they aren't there. Because if I can convince myself that they aren't there... then I won't end up feeling bad for an action I either took or failed to take.
I have a really cute friend. She got me to admit some things last night; some out loud, most just in my heart. Here goes some deep confessions/things I learned:
1. It's ok to try to create circumstances.
2. When you pray for something that feels silly, but means a lot to you, God gives you answers.
3. It's ok to be the first one to start a blunt conversation.
4. It's also ok to trust yourself.
5. I'm head over heels in love. Yes, I'm admitting it.
6. Being crazy about someone isn't a bad thing.
7. When you can finally admit something, out loud, something that you have been pretending doesn't exist... it feels so good!
8. No matter what you want, or what you feel is right... you have to trust in the Lord's timing and live by the Spirit.
So I want to say thank you to this friend, the one who was blunt and funny and completely honest. Thank you for teaching me about myself. Thanks for all my friends who teach me. Hopefully one day I can be like you.
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