A goose egg, a mother, and a lesson in love

It was a sunny afternoon post-school in the 2nd grade when I had a literal run-in with a pole. The pole won, my nose turned red and swelled up, both eyes turned black, and I developed a rather large goose egg in the exact middle of my forehead.

The first dozen people to see me after that took one look at my face and exclaimed: "Wow! That looks like it hurts! Are you ok?" 

The thoughts jumbled through my dazed little blonde head in a confused 'what are they talking about...?...' sort of way. 

Until someone handed me a mirror. At which point everything became startlingly clear.  My face was a wreck. A deformed, ugly, mess.

Now it might be helpful to know, I probably could have competed for Mapleton Elementary's most reserved 2nd grader, and the thought of facing school the next morning with such a deformed face was a little more than I could bear.  How many people was I going to have to explain my newly decorated features to? *Nightmare* So the next morning I pleaded with my mother: "Please let me stay home from school today."  I thought it was a reasonable request.

She said no. And when I challenged her decision I remember her cheerfully telling me that it would be fine, and that at least I had bangs to help cover up the goose egg.

Cue internal grumbling: "Yeah right Mom, fat load of help my wispy blonde bangs will be, and they don't do anything to help my nose or either eye..."

But I went anyways. I got over it, and I can honestly say that I don't recall ever asking to skip school again for vanity's sake. 

I was thinking about this story today, and how it's a beautiful illustration for my Mother's love for me. I don't say that in a sarcastic way, I actually think back with a bit of fondness on the experience, because it's a prime demonstration of unselfish love.  My Mom is a Mom who cared more about my education than my vanity, or (on a deeper level) more about my development than my comfort... and I can think of many other instances in my life when she has demonstrated this type of love. I think it's the purest kind. It's the kind of love God has for us. The kind that allows Him to watch us wade through the shadows of pain and discomfort this life sends us because He knows we need to taste the bitter in order to appreciate the sweet. He's more interested in our potential and our growth than He is in our comfort. 

So since tomorrow is the day we officially celebrate our Mothers, and since I was thinking about this today, I just wanted to write a little tribute to my Mother, who shows me what real love is. She's the best Mom in the world, and I feel lucky to have her as mine. 

500 Feet

A few months ago I was sitting in the park discussing with a friend life directions and choices, and he said to me "Have you ever seen that mormon message, the '500 feet in the wrong direction' one with Elder Holland?"

If you don't know what this is you can watch it here: https://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/series/mormon-messages/wrong-roads

And we discussed how life includes these detours that help us recognize when we finally land on the right path.

Well a month or so after that I had this experience in repeat, with a different friend, in a different setting, saying to me seemingly randomly "hey Krystal, do you know that mormon message? The 500 feet in the wrong direction one?" And I said, "Yeah actually..."

And then a few weeks later... repeat. And again a few weeks after that...

And it seemed to pop up a lot.

So you can watch it again if you'd like.

https://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/series/mormon-messages/wrong-roads

:)

And so when I felt the prompting to apply to BYU's MBA program I was a little wary. It felt right, but all the while in the back of my mind I think I had this video playing, and part of me wondered if the program was a "wrong road."  But then I would brush it off as just being a chicken or frightened of what I didn't understand and I would plow back into my application preparations.

Until about 3ish months ago, when Brian, my institute teacher, found me studying for my retake of the GMAT in the institute building 45 minutes prior to class. He, assuming I was a BYU student, stopped to ask me what I was studying for. I began to explain, and then mid conversation, remembered that he had mentioned in class that he was a history teacher. So I looked up at him and asked in an intense way that probably took him off guard: "Did you always know that you wanted to be a history teacher?"

And a little taken aback, he answered that he hadn't, and he looked confused by my query, because here I was sitting in the hallway, prepping for business school, and fiercely interested in his vocation as a teacher... and I realized that the whole scenario was probably puzzling to him. So I paused, and said, "The reason I ask is because I'm actually a special education teacher, and I feel like I'm having a mid life crisis and don't know what I want to do with my life."

And then understanding dawned, along with a spark of pure enthusiasm, because he said, "Really?! Are you looking for a job?!"

And I thought, "Oh great, here we go..."

Because just about every time I tell someone in the education world that I have a SPED license, they try to recruit me to apply for some sort of position that I don't really want to apply for, and this was no exception.  I hedged in my responses to his prompts that I should apply for a position at this school for troubled boys (attached to a residential treatment center- full benefits, full time, great working environment...) and tried to shut down the topic a little bit. He had to go, and probably sensing my mood, bid me farewell and cheerily called as he walked away, "Let me know if you need to make more money!"

That comment haunted me the rest of the week, especially since that was the week I found out that my car needed about $700 worth of repairs, and I began to realize that I didn't know what I was going to do for income over the summer, much less how I was going to pay for an MBA. And in retrospect I don't think all of that is coincidence.

And also, I think someone else mentioned to me the 500 feet thing... HMM.

So the next week when he asked me if I'd decided to apply yet I said that I would like more details, and two weeks later I found myself sitting in an interview with two very lovely people. The interview lasted an hour and a half, and about an hour into it the Spirit wrapped me up in an unmistakable embrace and I just knew that they were going to offer me the job, and I knew that I had to say yes.

So I did. That was almost a month ago. I've worked a grand total of 10 days at my new job. It's at an academy attached to a residential treatment center for troubled teen boys. I'm the first special education teacher they've ever had, and I'm tasked with building their SPED department. Almost from scratch as it were. It's overwhelming and crazy and has a steep learning curve, but when I wake up in the morning I find myself excited to go to work. And I'm beginning to fall in love with the people I work with and the opportunity I've been given. Saying goodbye to my MBA application wasn't even that difficult, although when I contemplated how many hours I spent studying for that wretched GMAT exam it almost makes me ill... (except for that now I'm all ready to teach remedial pre-algebra or algebra skills... coincidence? Or divine intervention?)

It's ok. Maybe an MBA is still in my future? Just not this year. Cause for now I'm going to be happy with where the Lord has put me right now. I'm not sure why He's stuck me there, but it fits me, and I fit it, and for now that brings a wonderful amount of peace.

To be bold, or not to be bold?

I have a confession, and it's not going to be a surprising one.

I am super insecure when it comes to dating. 

Surprise! Not. 

Yes. I am SUPER insecure. Because although I know generally that I'm a decent individual, I just don't really believe deep down that anyone will ever choose me. I could psychoanalyze why, but tonight is just not the night for that. 

Also. I tend to fall rather slowly and steadily. For boys that I have no idea if I have a chance with. Who are probably not interested in a girl like me. Who I secretly feel are a bit out of my league. And this leads to a LOT of internal conflict. 

Example: Yesterday after church I invited a gentleman (who currently doesn't know that he could easily sweep me off my feet if he chose to) to sit by me at the linger longer our ward had. And we talked, and I fell a little more, and our conversation, to an outside observer, would have just been friendly, not even overly flirty or anything, just a nice chat. But on the inside. OH on the inside...  for me... it was like a little war. 

Because every time there was a slight pause in the conversation part of me said: "And now you should definitely NOT be a massive CHICKEN and just ask this kid when/if he is going to take you on a date. LIKE NOW. NOW IS GOOD." And then the other part of me responded: "No, um, no, NOW is actually NOT a good time. He's not even being very flirty and you don't have a clue if he'd even appreciate the sentiment. NOW there are other people around.  Right NOW you should be patient. Yes. Patience is good. You aren't good at patience. NOW he's saying something else and you should really listen." *tune back in and give him full listening ears until next lull when the conversation will repeat*

And because I saw that stud of a man later that evening, and had even better conversations, and melted all over on the inside when he complimented my eyes... my internal battle continued. And escalated. And... and....

And I don't know how chagrined I ought to be that I listened to the 2nd voice. 

Hm. 

Point. Oh yes. Maybe I should get to the point. Because of this nice little internal battle, I wound up asking a few gentlemen if it was attractive or a turn off when a girl is bold. Bold like: "Hey! You are great and should ask me out!" type of bold. And was a little surprised when the general consensus seemed to be that a bold girl who makes it known that she likes you is actually very attractive to most gentlemen... 

So now I think I need lessons. Or something. 

Confidence boost? Yeah. That would probably really help...

Dating... bleh!

Role play anyone? 

Haha. 

Made to Fly

Flitter by, butterfly,
Float up softly to the sky.
You glide upon the dancing breeze
with apparent grace and ease.
And down here upon the ground
a caterpillar, gravity bound,
I look up to you in the sky
and wish that I too could fly.
Though I know there is a way
I tremble at the price I'll pay.
A small cocoon I'd have to spin
and spend an entire season in,
tucked away from sun and light,
cradled in the darkest night.
My entire form would have to change,
a process painful, new and strange.
Trade my strength for different things:
a thinner form and filmy wings.
And with these wings be born anew.
How would things look to my fresh view
as I emerge into the world
and hope my wings will come unfurled?
Is it worth the hope, the chance
that on the breeze I too could dance,
the sights I'd see up in the sky
if I became a butterfly?

I see you there my friend below,
from the sky I watch you grow.
It may be hard while on the ground
to change a form so gravity bound.
But caterpillar, look up high,
you were made to fly.
It's worth the price, worth the pain,
it's worth the toil in the rain.
Your cocoon will take time to spin,
It will take courage to stay within.
You'll wonder when your form feels strange,
"Is it worth all this for change?"
But oh my friend, you'll love the view
your eyes will see when born anew.
So keep your focus on the sky
for you were made to fly.

-Krystal Cook. February 2014

When I Grow Up

Sometimes people ask me what I want to be when I grow up. My instinctive response to their query is "smarter."

They laugh and then say... "but really..." and I know what they're driving at... but I think my problem is that I want to do everything.... be everything.

I want to teach children. Run a business. Travel the world. Climb mountains. Work in the temple. Sing on stage. Write and publish a book. Give therapy. I want to listen and advocate. Make impactful speeches. Help a non profit. Become a hair stylist. Serve another mission. Learn all types of dancing. I want to understand medicine and science. Play with a local musical group. Run and bike. Sew blankets and clothes. I want to learn a foreign language or two or three. Plan secret service activities. Participate in religious services of many faiths. Help design and decorate a house. Grow my own garden. Learn to paint. I want to read books from every genre. Become an incredible cook. Teach a class at an institution of higher learning. Use power tools to build furniture. Figure out how an engine works and how to care for it myself. Master a new musical instrument. I want to be an avid family history researcher. Help people learn to ride horses. Plan family reunions.

Especially I want to get married and stay that way. I want to think up ways to make him laugh and smile and then sneakily do them just for the thrill of it. I want to rock my babies to sleep at night and learn to make up fantastic stories to tell them before they go to bed. I want to sit on the kitchen floor with a pot of cookie mix while they "help" me... like my Mom did for me...

Maybe when I'm grown up and smarter... I'll figure out how to be everything I want to be.

Substitute Journal Entry

I don't know if I'll post this or not.... guess we'll see how personal it gets.

It's about 2am. This is my journal entry for the 21st of December though. It was a chill day - I had some fun with my sisters 'beautifying' ourselves and just being silly girls. Note to future self - when purchasing waxing supplies, get the wax that doesn't require strips... so much better.... Also. Remember that if you are helping Megan wax her eyebrows, do it in advance of any important functions she needs to attend. Her eyes stay red a lot longer than mine and Ash's do. (We could probably blame it on her throwing a bigger fit about it than us... but that might not hold up.)

As girls we also helped get the house ready for our Bateman family Christmas party that took place here tonight. Everyone came, and we ate yummy cafe-rio style pulled pork things. And after everyone was finished eating, Bee handed out presents to play the 'left-right' game, and we all cracked up when Sawyer threw a fit that his dad kept passing the present he thought was his. Then Papa played a recording of himself reading the Christmas story, and a short video of the nativity. Afterwards he bore his testimony of the Savior and asked us all to never ever forget the true meaning of Christmas. That it's not about the gifts, it's about Christ. And there were a LOT of tears in the room, because I think most of us recognize that there is a real possibility that he might not be here next year. Including him, because even he got teary, and that's not something Papa does. The thought of him not being around to meet my kids and always be there makes my heart hurt; I would miss him so much. I think that was why someone suggested he make the recording of himself reading that story - so that we can have it when he's gone.

After that teary scene Ash and I headed off to a white elephant exchange at the singles ward Christmas party, which was a bit of fun. Then after an episode of Once Upon a Time, Ash and I stayed up talking about life. About hopes for the future, frustration with friends and boys and dating and college and money. About our parents, and how tender it was listening to Papa tonight. About things we think about, times we've been upset, and how things don't always turn out the way you plan. About how we have the most freaking-awesome family in the entire world.... and it was just good. Not because anything super important was said, but I think because we both had someone we're willing to give up sleep to talk to. That girl... I'm glad she's my sister. And I'm glad my parents are my parents. And I'm glad I have my Bee and my Papa. And all my family. But tonight them especially.

In which too much money is spent and life direction is changed...

So I started this post probably... um... a month and a half... two months ago? And it never got finished. But it's probably time I remedied that.

Guess what? Sometimes you feel prompted to change your entire life direction. And it's scary and crazy and intimidating, but it also feels so good... so good.

I could bore you with background details, but I think it's better to keep it short and simple.

I spent way too much money on a GMAT prep course, and am now studying for this giant 4 hour test, so that I can take it (hopefully next month), so that I can put together an application for BYU's MBA program. And if I get in and get some sort of scholarship, I'm going to quit my job and get my masters degree. Then I'll figure out how to change the world.... hopefully.

Am I crazy? Yup. Pretty sure I am.

But hey. I only get to write my life story once, and I think this'll be a pretty decent plot twist, also I think the character development will be phenomenal. Should make things interesting at the very least.

Wish me luck. I'm gonna need it.

Read at your own risk....

This post is going to be frivolous and silly. You have been warned.

Confession: one of my favorite chick flicks of all time is 'While you were sleeping' - with Sandra Bullock. She plays a ticket booth operator named Lucy who looks forward every day to seeing this particular man come through to catch his train. She has their entire life together planned out, despite not knowing anything about him - including his name. Then the plot thickens and she saves his life and falls in the love with his brother while he's in a coma... yada yada.

Point is. None of us really want to admit we're so pathetic that we actually do that. But I think secretly, to some degree, every girl with no prospects just can't help herself sometimes. So here is my real confession - I definitely fell in love with a total stranger this week.

I work in the temple Thursday afternoons (which is so wonderful I could go on and on and on about it for a very long time) - and when you are a temple worker you float around from job to job, and mostly you don't have contact with workers of the opposite gender. And when you do have contact with them, it's when you are glancing peeks  while you walk past to go help with veils or when you are both helping a patron... but you don't have any real chances to converse with one another. Sort of like our Lucy in the previously discussed film.

Now in my shift, there are quite a few men with varying degrees of attractiveness... but none that had really caught my eye. Then it happened. I was helping a woman at the veil and I looked up and saw him. I mean... I'd seen him before from a distance and thought he looked nice... but not to really particularly notice him... but this time I saw his eyes. And he was looking right at me, and I realized I was supposed to say something in my role as a worker, but he kind of half smiled and it was all I could do to not melt into a puddle of total incoherentness. THAT would have been embarrassing... let me tell you. And then, a moment later (while helping the same person) he reached up his arm and accidentally hit me in the nose... and then it was even harder not to laugh when we made eye contact again.

I don't know his name. Or how old he is. Or where he is from. Or really anything about him... except that he has amazing eyes.... that make it difficult to concentrate when they are looking at me... he has a soothing voice... and he doesn't have a ring on his hand... (I know. I got a look at it after it hit me in the face.)

So now I'm secretly beginning to plan out our life together. Ok... not really our whole life... but my fingers are crossed that the stars will align and one day I'll learn his name...

*sigh. Maybe I'll save his life and fall in in love with his brother... NOT. Haha. I'm not that pathetic ok??

If you just wasted your time reading that it's your own fault. I did warn you... ;)

And now I quote myself...

"It was supposed to be epic. But it was only marginally cool."

So there should probably be a RMR anon group. One that helps recovering RM's realize that the epic adventures they were banking on after returning home are heavily interspersed with many marginally and less than marginally cool moments.

Today I was reminded in a beautiful way that God has a specific mission and plan for me. He knows who I am and the work he wants me to do, and He will help me understand what my mission in life is as I keep trusting in Him.

But I still have to wake up in the morning and survive my 3rd grade group pinging off the walls while I try every technique I know to get them to learn the rules for consonant division and coding phonograms. And I still will have those insecure moments when I text the guy I'm keen on and secretly wonder if he guesses I'm interested and is put off by the hunch. I still have those evenings when I finish a conversation with a good friend and wonder why God put them in my path and if I'll ever manage to be even a portion of the sort of blessing to them that they are to me. I need to remind myself to celebrate my small successes, and not beat myself up when the end of the month rolls around and I've only visited 3 out of 4 of the girls on my visiting teaching list. I have to learn that it's ok that I've been home nearly 5 months and still haven't been asked out on a legitimate date... And that it's ok if I'm terrified of taking the GRE.

Life is ok. It's beautiful actually, and even though so many of my moments in life are only marginally cool... I know that God's plan for me is EPIC. And that's what I'm holding on to right now.

My Purpose

I'm a slacker when it comes to this blog lately. I think about it often, but need to repent and take action now.

Wow. Lots of potential for things to write about. This time I'm going to keep it short though. I've been thinking a lot lately. Probably too much. Thinking about my life, where it is headed, where I wish it were headed, wheat I need to do and change and be, and wishing my purpose statement was as clear as it was on the mission. You'll probably be getting many future updates in specifics about this later on.... But for now, I've realized that God does have a purpose for me. And I can even sum it up in one sentence.

My purpose is to prepare for exaltation.

7 words. Pretty good right?

I'm still working put the kinks in the details of the plan to achieve this purpose.... But I'm working on trusting God to help me. And for today, knowing my mission statement is enough. I'll tackle details as they come :)

For me it's not about ordination, it's about influence.

I've had two friends ask questions in the past few days that are prompting me to attempt to put my thoughts on this subject into words. This is not meant to be an attack on anyone or any idea, this post is simply a way to sort out a few of my scattered thoughts on this topic.

Firstly, I want to point out a few things that seem unrelated but which greatly factor into my feelings on this subject.

1. People need people. Period. No matter how much some wish it were otherwise, that's just how we are made.

2. Equality. Fairness. My definition of equal or fair treatment is not that everyone gets the same, it's that everyone gets what they need. (This is indicative of my SPED degree.)

3. It's natural to need validation - acknowledgement of your value and contribution in the universe. It's a healthy need that is built in so that we will serve- but it turns into pride real quick when our motives are sour.

One of my favorite sections of the Doctrine and Covenants is 121. Many know it for the comfort provided at the outset- the ending is also quite well read. Verses 34-46 begin with the oft quoted question "Behold, many are called, but few are chosen. And why are they not chosen?" And continues with an outline of the principles that must be applied for a rational being to access and use God's exalting power: we usually refer to it simply as priesthood power.

"Many are called." Called for what I ask? Well, as stated in verse 36: "The rights of the
 priesthood." Because the rights to that priesthood connect us to the powers of heaven. Sounds like pretty grand stuff right? But what does it mean exactly?

I'm going to presuppose that we are familiar with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints here. And that we understand that as members of the church we claim that Priesthood keys have been restored to the earth in these times. Translation: God has given some individuals on this earth authorization to a) access His exalting power and to b) grant others permission to access this power as well.

The whole point of God giving us access to this is so that we can come back to Him. And because God is a God of order He gives it in a specific and organized manner. A Prophet has keys to act in behalf of The Lord. The Prophet can't do everything for everyone himself though, so he shares some keys with other individuals. And those individuals can use those keys to allow those in their stewardship to access (have the rights to) the "powers of heaven."

The church functions as a patriarchal order. That means that worthy men are ordained to offices, so that they can perform ordinance work for their family members. The whole point of the priesthood is to help families return as a unit to God. So the full priesthood power can only be accessed by a man and woman who have been sealed in the temple of God. Together they create a family, and together they work to exalt their family.

Recently there has been a lot of news in the media over the issue of women who would like to be ordained to the priesthood - and the question as to why they are not ordained is currently a hot topic.  As I've contemplated reasons that people (male or female) would want to be ordained - I've realized that a lot of it has to do with one of the points I mentioned above - validation. We all want to know we are needed and important. And as women especially, we want to feel that we can take care of ourselves. But I personally believe that one reason God gave only one gender the priesthood is so that we could learn co-dependence and trust. And the reason I believe this is partially because of what I've learned from the end of D&C 121. The last verses give us the blessings we receive from accessing the priesthood worthily. There are a number listed, but I want to focus on the final one: "thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever."

What is a dominion? How will it flow unto us?
The dictionary defines dominion as follows:

do·min·ion

   [duh-min-yuhn]  

noun

1.

the power or right of governing and controlling; sovereign authority.

2.

rule; control; domination.

3.

a territory, usually of considerable size, in which a single rulership holds sway.

4.

lands or domains subject to sovereignty or control.

Now if the point of the priesthood is to exalt God's children in family units, then the dominion referred to must be governing rights to ones own family. And those being governed, will want to be governed. No force, bribes, coercion, etc. Your children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, heck... your spouse, they will want you to govern. Because they respect and love you. They want to heed your counsel, and they ALWAYS will.

Now THAT sounds good to me. Being the kind of being, that has a family dominion flowing forever. And as a woman, I have been blessed with the ability to create that dominion. To be a dominion - to give children birth, but to also give my (future) spouse, deference and respect for the love and care he shows towards me and my children. He in turn, will do the same for me, and together we will build our family government.

That influence, I think that is really what we are all craving. Let me tell you, I don't think it has much to do with an ordination. I think an ordination gives a man authority - which gives him responsibility - which gives him incentive to become the sort of being that his family will want to be governed by. But that influence doesn't come from the a priesthood office. It doesn't come from male. It doesn't come from female. It comes from righteous living. By "persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness and by love unfeigned. By kindness, and pure knowledge...etc."

So for me - the issue of ordination - I don't think it should be an issue. Because I can access all the blessings of the gospel I need. I can build my family government, and all of us have the capacity to be exalted. I don't care one iota if I get ordained one day or not. I do care about developing this kind of influence though. I do care about exerting this influence. And I definitely care about being equal with my future partner. Not better. Not in control. Not subordinate. Equal. We both get what we need to grow. We both work together. 'Cause "neither is the man without the woman, nor the woman without the man, in the Lord."

You know you're an RM when...

All the love songs on the radio don't make you think of romance... They remind you of missionary work. 

Well... This is me. Returning in almost one piece from the land down under. I say almost because I left my heart with the Aussies. I loved it, miss it, and will never be the same again. 

Now I'm going to try I get back in the swing of things - including this blogging world that I missed. Prepare for more musings to come your way :)

I'm outta here!

So.... tonight. 7pm. Show time. I'll be set apart as a missionary. Then tomorrow I go to the MTC. It's all kinda still feeling surreal... but I woke up this morning and my very first thought was "tomorrow when I wake up I'll be a missionary!" I mean... officially anyways.

Life is so cool.

I had a wonderful party last night with some of my dearest friends - got up this morning, voted, put together an e-mail list... now I'll be heading downstairs to pack. Before doing so I wanted to post the mass e-mail I sent out to everyone with my mailing addresses. I've done the best I can at advertising my address... so if you never find it it's not my fault. Just sayin. Hope you'll write me! My Mom may or may not post letters here... my guess is not though. So in 18 months I'll take up blogging agin. Love you all!

(Here is the letter I sent out:)

Tomorrow is the day gents! The sun is shining, the tank is clean - and I am getting out of here! This is me, Krystal Cook, and I'm currently attempting to make my Mom an e-mail list group that she can forward my weekly e-mails to. Hopefully I'll manage to do it correctly so that she can forward e-mails without too much effort. This is her e-mail address, not mine, but I figured I should let ya'll know that I am the one typing at the moment.


I want ya'll to know how grateful I am for you. I have been so richly blessed with family and friends who care for me - and I have been so blessed by the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am excited to get the chance to go share the message of the Gospel with the Aussies down-under! Wish me luck! I'll be missing you all, but will look forward to seeing you when I get back and perhaps hearing from you while I'm gone :) If you would like to write me here are some addresses you can reach me at:
My MTC mailing address:
Sister Krystal Lyn Cook
MTC Mailbox # 189
AST-MEL 1127
2005 N 900 E
Provo, UT 84604-1793
And then here is my mission home address:
Sister Krystal Lyn Cook
Australia Melbourne Mission
76 Cathies Lane
Wantirna South VIC 3152
Australia

I'll only be in the MTC for two weeks (starting tomorrow... yes!) - but during that time you can write me for free through dear elder --- I'd be so excited to hear from you! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a small batch of letters that I can read on my incredibly long flight to the other side of the world. I promise I'll use the flight time to respond to those letters I get right before I leave the MTC!

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the Lord's true Church. It's what brings true joy and peace to life. I know that - and I'm excited to leave tomorrow morning.

Love you all!
Krystal

Musings and Men

I began typing out my musings in a typical blog post... and then realized that dear-men letters would be a much more appropriate format for expressing part of what I'm thinking. So yes, 6 days before I enter the MTC I am writing to some of the men of my world:

Dear Workaholic,
You may act like you're a little rough around the edges, and we may give each other what borders on slightly too much crap, but I think you're all gooey on the inside and I secretly appreciate you for that. Thanks for the help. You didn't have to give it but you did, and I'm not going to forget it. Thanks for laughing at my jokes, even when they were dumb, and for teasing me mercilessly. I just need that sometimes.
Sincerely,
A not-THAT-irreverent soul

Dear Cowboy,
In spite of promises to myself not too... I have to confess I had a mini-crush on you for a week or two. Don't worry, we're good now... hope that doesn't weird you out. What can I say? You are just so darn GOOD. You make me think, laugh, and every time I left hanging out with you I found myself resolving to be a better person. I love who I am when I am with you, and the fact that I feel I can trust you with pieces of me that I don't tell other people about. Thanks for dropping everything and coming to my rescue when I needed it.
Sincerely,
I still think we think too much alike :)

Dear Superman,
You amaze me. Your confidence and energy and zest for life, in spite of the fact that you haven't had it easy. You keep the spirit close, and it's incredible to watch you. Thanks for being my friend, and for caring, and for talking to me despite the difficulty you have trusting people. People often surprise us with how amazing they are underneath, and you've helped me see that - I hope you've been able to see that in other people too. Please keep in touch -- I look forward to the day when you find what you are looking for.
Sincerely,
That friend who keeps you up way too late

Dear I'mhavingareallyhardtimethinkingofanappropriatenicknameforyou,
Um... wasn't expecting that the other night. But thanks for having the guts to talk to me. Thanks for putting up with me - and for... in your own way... even hinting that you care about me. You've always had this way of making me feel like you can see straight through me, and it's always made me nervous... so I hope you'll forgive me for those times when I wasn't as good to you and open with you as I probably should have been. I've learned a lot from you, even when our conversations were frustrating I was grateful that they pushed me to think in ways I otherwise wouldn't have. For the record, I think you are great, and you deserve to be happy. And not just the mildly content sort, but the tingly I-can't-believe-I-am-so-blessed kind of happy. I hope you find it soon.
Sincerely,
Just me

Dear Smiley,
It's been a pleasure. I can honestly say that I feel much less awkward flirting in part thanks to you. Granted... the skill will probably completely disappear while on my mission. Mind a play date/refresher course when I get back? That is assuming you are still single of course. Thanks for being a good friend and checking on me every now and again.
Sincerely,
Thanks for complimenting my calves

Dear Father,
Thanks for giving me all these friends for a season. Thanks for showing me that awesome men in this world don't come in a limited supply. Each of these men I've written to are righteous men who honor their Priesthood- and that is incredible to me. Can I please have someone similar to them at some point? And will you please bless him 'cause that poor boy is having to wait a long time for me to finish up my chores...
Sincerely,
Your daughter

Dear Prince Charming,
Sorry to keep you waiting. Please be patient a little longer... Australia needs me for 18 months. And I think I need Australia too. But after May 2014 please come find me.
Love,
Krystal

Farewell Talk - just in case you wanted to see it (BTW - it's not exact)

During the time of Columbus there was an explorer named Ponce de Leon who went on expeditions to the Bahamas and other areas of the Caribbean in search of the legendary Fountain of Youth. The fountain contained water, that if drunk, would restore health and youth to whomever drank it.  If you’ve seen Pirates of the Caribbean 4 you know that this fountain is what Captain Jack Sparrow, as well as others, search for during the movie.

Captain Jack possesses a compass. A special compass that points him towards whatever he wants most. During his adventures in the fourth movie he uses this compass to help him find where the fountain is located. He knows, that if he is obedient, and follows wherever the compass leads him – he’ll get to where he wants to go.  I’d like to point out that just because Captain Jack knows where he wants to go does not mean that the trip to get there is an easy one. During the course of the movie he encounters many problems, but not once during his difficulties does he complain that the trip to the fountain is just too difficult, he never gives up. He also never gripes that the compass should point a different way than the way it does. Why is this? I believe that the reason Jack Sparrow is able to 1) get to his destination, and 2) not become discouraged with how difficult it is along the way, is because of what he keeps his focus on. His focus is not on how difficult the problems in front of him are, it’s on his destination: the fountain of youth, and his compass, which tells him how to get there. He understands that when he makes a choice, he is really choosing the consequences of that choice.

Oft times we look at God’s commandments as obstacles, a long list of expectations and ‘to-do’s’ that make our lives more difficult. We balk at rules set for us, and try to justify ways we can avoid following certain ‘inconvenient’ commands. I know I do this. I propose that when I feel this way it is because my focus is on the wrong thing. If Captain Jack had this attitude during his search for the fountain of youth, the 4^th Pirates movie would have been quite lame, because Jack would have given up and never made it to the fountain.

In 2 Nephi 2:14 Lehi explains  “And now, my sons, I speak unto you these things for your profit and learning; for there is a God, and he hath created all things, both the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are, both things to act and things to be acted upon…. Wherefore the Lord gave unto man that he should act for himself.” God has given us our agency, and we have the choice if we want to take control of our own life and salvation – we have the option to become an agent to act, instead of simply being acted upon. We can choose what we want out life. So. The question we all need to ask ourselves is: “What is my own personal fountain of youth? And how can I get there?”

The scriptures teach us that God’s work and glory is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. Which means that God’s greatest desire is for us to be happy and return to live with Him someday as kings and queens in His kingdom. In essence, He suggests to us that eternal life in his presence is the ultimate ‘fountain of youth.’

So now that we have defined that the ultimate fountain of youth is eternal life and exaltation, I’d like to discuss how we get there.

In Matthew 7:21 the Savior explains that “Not everyone that saith unto me, Lord Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in Heaven.”

Christ is telling us that entrance into the kingdom of God, as an exalted and glorified being, is not free of charge. We have to follow the commandments, or compass, that God has provided for us if we want to come back home to Him. However, no unclean thing can dwell in God’s presence – so He sent a savior for us. Christ is our mediator with the Father, and the price that he’s set for access to his mercy is that we be obedient as we can possibly be. 

Bruce C. Hafen has said: “We can have eternal life if we want it, but only if there is nothing else we want more.” Obedience to commandments is the key to accessing the atonement of Christ. It allows us to partake of his grace to change and become more like God. Now, Christ does not set these terms just to make it as difficult as he can for us to get back – which I have personally be guilty of viewing it as before. The reason he asks for our best efforts to obey, is because he knows that the Father is teaching us to become like He is, and the more we practice obedience, the more we further ourselves in our endeavor to become like God.

D&C 82:8-10 “And again, I say unto you, I give unto you a new commandment, that you may understand my will concerning you; or, in other words, I give unto you directions how you may act before me, that it may turn to you for your salvation. I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise.” So God gives us commandments, because they are what lead to our own personal salvation.

My friend Riley says that “The commandments are the best advice a perfect parent can give on how to be happy.” He understands that Christ cannot help us back to God’s presence, unless we first do all we can to help ourselves. The third article of faith explains this concept beautifully. “We believe that through the atonement of Christ all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel.”

There are many ways that God gives us His will or commandments. We can find them in the standard works, words of the Prophet of God, Spiritual promptings, in the temple, and in wise counsel from leaders, family and friends. These things are the ways we see the compass that allows us access to Christ’s mercy and points us closer to God.

The knowledge that we must be completely obedient to God’s commandments and spiritual promptings is overwhelming. Because we are human, we are not capable of being perfectly obedient.  No matter how earnestly we try, we are going to fail sometimes. But that’s ok, because as an institute teacher once told me: “Don’t worry if you mess up. You can always be used as a bad example.”

Luckily, we can be used as a bad example, and we can learn from our own bad examples (as well as other peoples) and not repeat our mistakes as we access the atonement and repent of our sins. We can always choose to be more obedient today than we were yesterday.

When Bishop Averett asked me to speak on Obedience for my mission farewell I thought it was slightly ironic, seeing as the topic they assign you is usually something you need to work on. I shared this with my good friend who was in the MTC at the time – she’s now in Russia. She knows me quite well and knows that I’m a headstrong individual… this was part of her response to me:

“HAHAHAHA. Remember how you have to talk on obedience? That’s kind of funny. I laughed. That was probably the hardest part of the MTC. It wasn’t the language, food, stress, companion. Nope. It was having to be obedient to rules about how often I shower, when I sing songs, where I pray, when I read mail, take pictures… you get the idea. But I decided it was a good idea to be obedient because I’m learning Russian and I need all the blessings I can get.”

The last part of what she said caught my attention. She chooses to be obedient because she understands that the Lord loves her and will bless her for her obedience. 

D&C 130:20-21 states: “There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated- and when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated.”

If there is any blessing that you desire, find out which commandment it’s tied to, and then obey that particular commandment. God is bound when we keep our end of the bargain to fill His. So when we choose to keep a commandment, we cannot stop the consequences of becoming more like and closer to God.  This is commonly called the law of the Harvest – we reap whatever spiritual blessings we decide to plant. Sometimes though, we cannot see the direct correlation between the obedience we exercise and the blessings we receive, which can make it extra hard to obey certain commands. I’d like to discuss with you two blessings that we invite when we keep any commandment that is hard for us to keep, whether great or small.

Blessing 1: The Spirit is with us.

When a person is confirmed a member of the church, hands are laid on their head and they are invited to receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. We understand that we receive his constant companionship and help, as long as we invite him to be with us by obedience to God’s commandments. We can choose to stand in holy places, go to church, serve God’s children, invite and follow spiritual promptings and do whatever else is necessary for us to do in order to have his constant help throughout our lives. As we are obedient to the covenants we make, we can always have the purifying influence of the Holy Ghost to help guide us.

In order to explain blessing number 2 I would like to go through a couple stories in the scriptures. The first one is found in 1 Nephi 4. Nephi and his brothers are trying to obtain the plates of brass. Nephi sneaks into the city at night and in verse 6 we learn that he “was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do.” In other words, he was trusting in God and his guidance completely. When he finds Laban passed out drunk on the ground, he draws his sword and begins to admire it, and then the scriptures read: “And it came to pass that I was constrained (or commanded) by the Spirit that I should kill Laban; but I said in my heart: Never at any time have I shed the blood of man. And I shrunk and would that I might not slay him.”

I think Nephi’s response is interesting. He doesn’t argue with God. He doesn’t tell himself that he must have misunderstood the promptings of the spirit – he knows what he’s supposed to do. He’s supposed to kill Laban because God told him to. God had a purpose and in order to accomplish it, Nephi had to be obedient. This story always bothered me a little – it bugged me that God would ask his future prophet to do something that was against one of the Ten Commandments. Never mind that it was necessary, never mind that Laban probably deserved what he got, why would God ask Nephi to do such a hard thing? Why couldn’t God just strike him down and then have him take his clothes and go get the plates? As I was thinking about this one night, I looked in the footnotes of the scriptures and it led me to 1 Samuel 15. The chapter heading tells us “Saul is commanded to smite and destroy the Amalekites and all that they have, he saves some animals to sacrifice –Saul is rejected from being king, and told that to obey is better than to sacrifice.” My first thought when I flipped over to this chapter was “What on earth does this have to do with Nephi and the prompting to kill Laban?” But as I dove into the story and began to read it I started to realize a few things. Saul was commanded to kill all of the Amalekites and all that they had, he decided to keep the commandment only partially- and left the sheep and oxen alive saying that he would use them as a sacrifice for God. God sent the prophet Samuel to rebuke him, and Samuel did so with the famous scripture: “Hath the Lord as great delight in burned offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams” and then he keeps going and explains why: “for rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry.” God wasn’t displeased because Saul wanted to offer sacrifice; he was displeased because Saul tried to cover up his pride and disobedience with excuses. Saul was rejected from being king because he failed to make the most important sacrifice: that of a broken heart and contrite spirit – which became evident when he was unwilling to follow the commandments of the Lord. And as I realized this I also understood what the story of Saul has to do with Nephi being commanded to kill Laban. A beautiful principle was being taught me as I compared to the two stories and what kind of men came out of each. Let me see if I can explain.

To obey is better than to sacrifice, not because it’s on a higher plane, but because willing obedience is the highest form of sacrifice, we are sacrificing our will in exchange for God’s. When we are exactly obedient, especially when we don’t understand why, we demonstrate to God that we trust Him more than we trust ourselves. This demonstration of faith does more than just show God that we are loyal to Him. Our exact and willing obedience is an exercise in voluntary humility. It banishes pride and brings us closer to God so that we can know Him better.  Obedience is the tool with which we invite humility and combat pride, which is the root of all other sins.

So blessing #2 is that our humility increases which strengthens our relationship with God.

C.S. Lewis said “As long as you are proud, you cannot come to know God.” In the scriptures we read that “And this is life eternal, that they may know thee, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom thou has sent.” This, brothers and sisters, I testify, is the ultimate fountain of youth.

When I received the spiritual prompting to serve a mission I turned in my papers and got my call fairly quickly, and then have had the opportunity to wait 4 months before entering the MTC. In a way the wait time has been hard, but also good because it’s given me an opportunity to examine my priorities, prepare, and decide how I really feel about serving a mission. Parts of me are so excited I can barely stand it, but I have a confession as well – and maybe it’s not good for me to admit this, but it’s true. Part of me is terrified to leave. As I’ve thought about what I’m giving up by leaving it frightens me. I’ve pondered about the fact that I’ll miss my little sister’s senior prom, and my brother’s high school graduation. I’ll miss J leaving on a mission – it’ll be a long time before I see him again. There is the possibility that something may happen to a family member while I’m away, and I won’t be here for it. My friends may all move or marry, and many of them probably won’t be here when I get back. I’ve had to force myself to accept the fact that renewing my teaching license may be difficult when I return because I’m taking such an extended break from my career.  I could go on and on about all the reasons that make me nervous to leave… but as I’ve studied about this topic of obedience, and how merciful God is, and how much He blesses His children for their obedience, I’ve realized that that everything I’ll miss, really doesn’t matter. What matters most is my relationship with my Father in Heaven, and I know that if I choose to be obedient and serve He will watch over and bless me, because that’s what He’s always done for me. And what’s more, I know that because He is merciful He will watch over and care for the people I love as I serve Him. And that is a blessing that I won’t sacrifice for anything.

So in spite of any fears I may have to conquer as I leave, I am going to go with the attitude “I’ll go where you want me to go dear Lord, over mountain or plain or sea; I’ll say what you want me to say, dear Lord, I’ll be what you want me to be.” –Hymn 270

I have a testimony that obedience brings freedom – God is the most free being in the universe. He has unlimited creative power and knowledge because of the way He chooses to live. I know that as we listen to his perfect advice- or commandments – and willingly submit ourselves to follow them we become free as well. We become agents to act and not to be acted upon. That’s what this Gospel is all about.

My mission scripture that I have chosen is Proverbs 3:5-6. It’s been my favorite scripture for a while. “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”  I trust Heavenly Father, I love Him. That is why I am choosing to be obedient to the prompting I felt to serve a mission. I love my Savior Jesus Christ. I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the only true and living Church on the face of the earth. Joseph Smith was called of God to restore the Gospel to the earth – President Monson is the prophet of God on the earth today. The Book of Mormon contains God’s word and will. The temple is God’s house, and as we are obedient to commandments we can find peace, joy and freedom, and blessings in the temple that will bring us happiness. I am grateful for the support of family and friends as I prepare to leave. Thank you all for your love and Christlike examples in my life. I am grateful for them. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.